


Silences Between Leaves

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-01
Updated: 2007-09-03
Packaged: 2019-01-19 15:26:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 83,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12412917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: {Nine} “'You don’t understand, I’ve been waiting years to have this kind of conversation with you,' Marlene said, unable to stop grinning. 'Maybe we should go somewhere more private.'" Begins summer 1977: Lily Evans and James Potter finally take the steps towards becoming Lily and James. If they can even make it to the end of the year, that is. ...





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

  
Author's notes: 1  


* * *

**Silences Between Leaves**

**Prologue**

**……**

_December of 1976_

Lily Evans woke on the Christmas morning of her sixth year of school with a start. Her fingers clenched at nothing, finding only soft sheets in their tight grasp. She inhaled deeply and sat up in her bed, looking around her dark room and at her dorm mates. She flipped her hair out of her eyes and swallowed hard, blinking as she tried to wake up properly. 

It was right before seven in the morning—the light of the sun was weak and only just coming in from the bottom half of the window next to her bed. Lily kicked off her heavy blankets and sighed as the cool air in the room played over her legs. She yanked her shorts down so they covered her thighs and fastened her hair into a pony tail at the base of her neck, pulling her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on them, and pouting her lips.

“Lily?”

Lily looked up as Sarah Mercer’s hoarse voice reached her ears. She smiled at the other girl, who yawned and sat up against her headboard. 

“What’re you up so early for?” Sarah continued, rubbing some eyeliner from under her left eye. “You’re hardly ever up before eight.”

Lily shrugged. “No reason. Bad dream, maybe. Happy Christmas, by the way.” She picked up a small, neatly wrapped package from her end table and chucked it over to Sarah, who stared as it landed at least six feet away from her on the floor.

“I thought we went over how you aren’t _ever_ supposed to even _attempt_ to throw things, Lily,” Sarah muttered, leaning over the edge of the bed to reach for the little box. She groaned as she leaned over too far and fell off her bed with a large _thump_ , pulling her blankets with her. She sprawled out on the floor and huffed. “Ugh. Bitch. Yours is by your bed.”

Lily nodded, still a little embarrassed at her atrocious hand-eye coordination. She looked over at Marlene, whose eyes were open. “Happy Christmas,” Marlene                                                     muttered, making a face at Sarah’s lazy form on the floor. “Do I get a present too?”

“No, you whore,” Lily responded, throwing another present, the same size as Sarah’s, at Marlene. Marlene managed to catch it, but just barely. She shook her head in disbelief at Lily. 

“Meer? Beth?” Sarah crooned from the floor, kicking her legs up and letting them hit the plush carpet again. “Up yet?”

“Noooooo,” Beth groaned, curling up in her bed and pouting. “Too early.”

“Meer?” Sarah repeated. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Miriam said gruffly, not moving from her position on her bed. Lily exchanged a sympathetic look with Marlene, who bit her lip and shook her head. Just three weeks ago Miriam’s aunt and guardian had died in an automobile accident, and she had no one at home. Out of solidarity and at Beth’s request, Lily, Marlene, and Sarah had all remained at school during the holidays to keep Miriam from getting lonely.

“Time to open presents,” Lily said joyfully, clapping her hands in order to lighten the mood. 

“James stole mine for you,” Marlene said absently, already tearing into a large, bright blue package from back home.

Lily froze. “Um, pardon?”

“James stole my present for you,” Marlene repeated. She glanced at Lily, looking sheepish. “Sorry, babe. I forgot to get it back before he left.”

“I’m sure he left it in his dorm. He wouldn’t _take_ it with him,” Sarah said. “They left, didn’t they? All four of them?”

Lily sighed. “Yeah. You suck, Marlene.”

“Kisses, babe,” Marlene returned, kissing her fingertips and pointing them in Lily’s direction. “Go get it.”

Lily stuck her tongue out at Marlene and swung her legs off the bed, grabbing her robe from the foot of her bed and swinging it on over her shoulders. She shuffled out of the room in her bare feet and down the chilly stairs to the common room. She yelped as she stubbed her toe on one of the stairs and hopped over to the boys’ staircase, whimpering from the pain in her toe. She limped up to the sixth year dormitory and jiggled the knob, then was relieved to find that the door was open. She paused for just a moment, contemplating how strange that was, but then entered the room and shut the door behind her, hoping the slightest bit that James...she shook her head to clear _that_ thought.

The sun had risen and was streaming in through the window, illuminating the room so that Lily could plainly see a medium-sized box wrapped in garish pink paper sitting on one of the beds. She walked quickly over to the bed, then shrieked and stumbled back when she heard someone speak. 

“What the _fuck_ are you doing in here, Evans?” 

Lily pushed her hair out of her eyes with a shaking hand, swallowing. James Potter was sitting on the edge of the bed next to the window, clad in a pair of boxers and looking like hell. Unable to speak for a moment, she glanced over at the package on the bed. Potter’s head drooped as he saw where her eyes went. “Yeah. Sorry. I…forgot.”

“Before you left. I mean, you did leave, yes?” Lily said it tentatively, pleased that he was there and trying to hide it. She rarely saw him alone, when he wasn’t trying his best to be obnoxious. Rarely did she see that side of James Potter that…the side of him that made her feel dizzy and wanting.

He nodded, turning his head and rubbing it against the bedpost. “Yeah. I…came back for the night.” He pointed to his broom. “No one noticed.”

Lily bit her lip, shifting her weight from one foot the other. “Uh…”

“Take it,” he said humorlessly. “There’s no booby traps or anything. I was planning on sending it by owl before I went back home.”

Lily nodded, sidling over the bed. She had to pass right by him and she snatched up her gift, cradling it over her chest. He looked at her for a moment and Lily winced. “Are you—are you sure you’re okay, Potter?”

“Don’t come near me,” he muttered, closing his bloodshot eyes. “I’m sick and I’m angry.”

Sometimes Lily thought she liked James so much she couldn’t even stand it. This was one of those moments. He had never been her friend and that drove her mad, because she had always wanted to say she was close to a boy, as if that would prove her worth. He was so much better than cursing Snape all the time and it disappointed her that the boy she fancied for no real reason was such a jerk.

_Why couldn’t she like a nice bloke?_

“What’s wrong?” she asked hesitantly, relaxing her death grip on the gift in her arms. 

“I’m tired,” he said quietly.

Lily paused, casting about for something to say. “Are you flying back?” she settled on.

He nodded.

“You shouldn’t if you’re tired,” she told him matter-of-factly. “You could crash. Please don’t.”

He raised his eyes up and looked at her in disbelief. “Evans, you’re a darling, but you should go open your presents now and leave me to myself.”

She wanted to argue that she could stay, but she had no idea whether he was being polite and giving her an out or if he really wanted her to leave. She couldn’t tell, so she simply nodded and backed out of his room. She paused on the stairwell, thinking about just how strange that meeting had been, then shook off the feeling and returned to her bedroom.

When she got back to her room, present in hand, she picked up the gifts at the end of her bed and dropped them on her, sitting down with a sigh. She arranged the gifts neatly, first Sarah’s and Miriam’s and Beth’s, then her parents’, then Marlene’s. She loved saving the best for last. She pulled Sarah’s towards her first. The five girls had always exchanged presents every Christmas—they simply put more effort into gifts for their better friends: Lily and Marlene, and then Sarah and Miriam. Lily looked over at Beth and felt a pang—Beth had fewer friends that Lily—only a couple girls in Ravenclaw whom she had known before Hogwarts. 

Sarah _and_ Miriam had given her a two-year subscription to _Facades_ , a popular, elitist architectural magazine. Lily smiled, setting the receipt for the subscription and the December issue aside. Beth had given her cosmetics; her parents had sent a gift-card to a London store. With a grin, Lily pulled Marlene’s package closer and ripped off the paper. She pulled out a wrapped blue box, then opened _that_ and found a red box. “What the hell, Marls?”

The box was quite small. Marlene grinned at her. “I’m about to open yours, hon.”

“One, two three!” 

At once they pulled the wrapping paper from the gifts and opened the boxes. Lily stared for a second, then burst out laughing.

Beth glanced at her. “What?”

“It’s the same bracelet I gave her!” Lily answered, lying back on her bed and beating her fists by her sides. “ _Wow._ ”

“Lily I _love_ it,” Marlene called, grinning. She put it on her wrist, hooking the ends and waving her wrist around. “ _Excellent_ taste!”

Lily rolled her eyes and then picked up the December issue of _Facades._ She glanced at the cover and frowned as she caught sight of the featured article. 

_Chandler Potter’s Rise to the Top._

“Potter?” she whispered.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, Marls,” Lily said absently, flipping through the pages until she reached the allotted page number. _What’s Potter’s father doing in_ Facades?

Lily’s eyes widened. Chandler Potter had founded and continued Potter Enterprises. _He owned it._ She swallowed hard. She had never before realized there was a relation or a connection between James Potter and Potter Enterprises. “Well I _knew,_ ” she corrected herself aloud. “But…” She had never thought about it the way she was thinking about it now. She had and _in_. Imagine if Potter told his father to hire her. Imagine if she could get James to…

She shook her head. She couldn’t. She had no way to approach him. 

_What if they became friends?_

Lily swallowed again. Was she really going to use Potter? Really?

Lily resolved to be nice to him, at least. Who knew where a connection with James Potter could get her in the architectural world? 

Who knew?

_June of 1977_

James Potter took the time to push his hair of his forehead, frowning a little and inspecting the exam paper in front of him. _I should have studied more last night,_ he thought ruefully. He glanced up at the front of the room where Flitwick, the Charms professor, was sitting, correcting papers. He looked to his right, where he saw his friend Sirius Black scribbling away. James craned his neck to see and saw that he was writing pure nonsense. James sat back in his seat and sighed.

He then looked to the left at Lily Evans. She was halfway through the exam and it was only half an hour into the period. He noticed that her gaze flicked over to him every few seconds and that the expression on her face was one of reproach.

_Damn, she saw me trying to cheat._

James knew, however, that she would say nothing. Lily Evans was not that much of a stick-in-the-mud, thank you very much; and he could fondly look back at the time he fancied her and feel justified. He had had his reasons, the least of which were her strange tendencies to be the most honorable person he knew while still having fun.

He dropped his eyes back to his own paper, feeling chastised even though she had said no words to him. He attacked the exam with a new vigor and by the time the class was over, he was sure he had at least managed to pass. He caught Lily Evans’s eyes as everyone was packing up to leave and she held them for an infinitesimal second, making James’s heart stop. Then he was no longer seeing green and was walking with his best friends down to the grounds for their customary after-exam relaxing time. It was a gorgeous day and James squinted in the bright sun, seeing Hagrid down by his hut watering his garden. He grinned and waved; Hagrid waved back. James sat down against the trunk of a shady tree. Remus sat next to him, the absence of a book noted by James and filed away happily to be brought up later. Remus often read when they were outside, preferring to talk to his friends when they were in the dorms or at meals. 

Sirius was lying down in the grass, yawning and letting the sun play over his face. Peter sat down Indian-style and sighed, opening his mouth to worriedly ask questions about the exam.

“Not now, Wormtail,” Sirius said. “I’m really not in the mood.” 

Peter shut his mouth and stared moodily over at the lake. Remus gave Sirius an annoyed looked but said nothing. James brushed some lint off the sleeve of his robe.

“It’s hot,” he complained.

“Take off your clothes, then,” Sirius suggested.

James thought for a moment before nodding. “All right.” He shrugged out of his robes and began to unbutton his shirt, but Sirius’s voice stopped him. 

“A joke, my friend. A humorous suggestion that was not meant to be taken.”

“Really, now?” James asked, disappointed. “I was so looking forward to pleasing you with my manly body.”

“A better word is torturing, Potter,” said a dry, female voice from the side. James grinned slyly and slowly turned his head towards the speaker.

“Why, Evans!” he said, secretly pleased. “Whatever are you doing here? Couldn’t stay away, is that it?”

Lily Evans raised one eyebrow. “Not on your life, Potter.”

“My fun and promising life?” he queried, surreptitiously letting his gaze travel up and down her body, gleefully taking in the fact that she had taken off her robes and that her skirt was a few inches higher than regulations allowed. Her tie was gone as well, and the first two buttons of her shirt were undone. While James greatly enjoyed looking at cleavage, he found it more sexy if it could only be viewed when the girl bent over, intentionally or not. Unlike Sirius, James did not like the blatant five buttons most girls undid to catch attention. He much preferred Lily Evans’s two, and started plotting ways to make her lean forward.

“Oh, _yes_ , Potter,” she said sarcastically. “I came because I just couldn’t avoid my passion and affection for you. Even when you were trying to cheat off of my test I secretly wanted you—oh, I wanted you _so_ badly—”

“Okay, now, Evans,” interrupted James uneasily. “I get it.” He laughed nervously, never having heard her say something like that before and not sure if he liked it. “You can stop.”

She made a face and sat down, leaning backwards on her hands and staring at the lake. James hid a grin and tried not to look up her skirt. Sirius, having no such tact, was enjoying the view, since his feet were facing the tree and he could clearly see her legs.

“Get your eyes out from under my skirt, Black,” Lily deadpanned, not moving her head. Sirius grinned lazily.

“Fingers instead, then?” he asked, his hand creeping forward. He got within an inch of her long leg before Lily took out her wand and gave him a shock. Sirius yelped and snatched his hand back, cradling it to his chest and sitting up. “What was that for?”

Lily did turn her face toward him this time, and a frown marred her pretty features. “It’s not for you to touch me like that,” she said seriously, and her legs closed in, almost imperceptibly. 

Sirius’s eyes brightened. “Hey, Prongs, I think we’ve got ourselves a virgin right here!”

James snorted. “And?” he asked, giving his friend a pointed look. 

“ _So_ …what are you going to do about it, Prongs?”

“Nothing,” James replied, not looking at Lily.

“Is that right?” Sirius asked. Remus tensed and James met his eyes. Remus turned his gaze to Sirius and held it there levelly.

“Padfoot,” he began warningly. 

“No, no.” Sirius looked at Lily. “Evans, I think you should seriously consider sleeping with James over there.” 

James groaned. Lily smiled slightly and raised one of her stupidly perfect eyebrows. “Why’s that?”

“For one, he needs a good lay. There’s nothing like a good first lay to cheer a bloke up.”

“Potter needs to be cheered up?” Lily asked, her brow furrowed, although James could not tell whether she puzzling over the fact that he wasn’t feeling his perkiest, or whether she was surprised he was a virgin.

“All that pressure from his father,” Sirius said, mock sadly. 

“Shut up!” James said loudly, surprised that he would even mention that. “Sirius—just shut it!”

James could count on his hands the number of times he had called Sirius—or any of his friends, for that matter—by his first name since their fifth year, when they had managed to turn into their respective Animagi forms. Sirius did shut up, and he flopped down on his back again, sulking.

“Your father?” Lily asked quizzically. 

“It’s _nothing_ ,” James snapped. “Don’t you have anywhere else to go right now, Evans?”

She looked at him coolly for a moment before getting up and smoothing down her skirt, dusting bits of grass off the back. “Sure,” she replied, her words producing a distinct chill in the air. She sauntered away, moving gracefully and, James noted, with a natural and subtle sway of her hips, which told him she wasn’t trying very hard.

Sometimes, James just had to stop and look at her. He had met prettier girls—but Lily Evans struck something inside him. He sometimes couldn’t think around her, could only look at her and breathe and think of the sun and flowers and other non-manly things.

“What’d you do that for?” James asked Sirius angrily, kicking him in the leg. Sirius did not move and cracked one eye open, looking at James.

“She likes you, Prongs,” Sirius said, crossing his arms behind his head.

“Nah,” James said, suddenly not angry with his best friend. “I don’t think so.”

“I do.”

“It’s unlikely,” Remus remarked. “She’s talked to us on occasion before. This time she just came here to tell Prongs—subtly, of course—that she didn’t like him cheating off of her.”

“I didn’t!” protested James. 

“You tried,” Remus pointed out. “I was sitting behind you. I saw it all.”

James flushed. “I didn’t study enough last night. I got a letter from my parents.”

“Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to make her wonder about your dad.” Sirius sighed and closed his eyes again. 

James shrugged as a cloud passed over the sun and threw the sunny day into shadow. “He’s just as annoying as ever, you know. Blah, blah, blah, you’re starting your last year in September, more tosh, you’ve got to do well—now it’s the end of your sixth year and it’s your last chance of becoming Head Boy—he can’t really believe I’m going to become Head Boy, can he? I know he doesn’t!”

“He just wants you to succeed,” said Peter.

“I know,” James responded, frustrated. “But he wants me too succeed at being _him!_ He wants _me_ to take over the company, he wants me to be his protégée, he wants _me_ to be perfect and marry the beautiful socialite woman, just like he did!”

“Hey,” Sirius said, “your mum’s great.”

“Yeah,” James replied, “and she’s a rarity. I’ve never met anyone my dad expects me to like who’s the least bit like her!”

“I thought you wanted to take over the company,” Peter said, confused.

“I do! I just don’t want to do it right when I get out of school! I’d love to supervise the building and the designs and all…you know, it’s been my dream since I was a little boy, but I don’t want to do it at the expense of having any fun at all, at the expense of my _life_.”

“True,” Sirius admitted. 

 

“Actually, Prongs,” Remus suddenly said, “you most likely _will_ be Head Boy.”

“Why’s that? I reckon you’ll get it,” James said, glancing around to see if Lily was near. _She_ was the most likely candidate for Head Girl. 

“Who contributes most of the funds for Dumbledore’s endeavors?” Remus asked quietly. “Who’s the head of the company that’s Dumbledore’s cover?”

James looked down. 

“Your dad’s a good person, James, but if you don’t make Head Boy…he may limit that funding a bit. He may tighten the leash on that flow of galleons. And Dumbledore has a lot of agents who also work for your dad’s company. They might not be too happy…so you’re going to be Head Boy.”

“That’s not fair,” James muttered.

“No,” Remus agreed, “but you would do well as Head Boy. I’m not cut out for it—not only would I be too sick sometimes, I would have no way to keep up with everything. You manage Quidditch and school with time to spare.”

James snorted and shook his head.

 

“Think, Prongs,” Remus said thoughtfully. “ _Think_. Lily’s got Head Girl next year, you know she does. It’s between her and Narcissa Black—but James, Lily’s earned this. She’s got the grades and the record _and_ she’s Muggleborn. You—you’ve got the charisma, of course, and the perhaps the grades, but all you’re known for is Quidditch and trouble. If you get Head Boy…”

“I _won’t_.”

“You _will,_ ” Remus snapped, and Sirius looked up, startled by his sharp tone. “I just told you to _think_ , Prongs. You’ve got a shit record, yeah, and no one thinks for a second that you’ll get it, but you’re going to. You’re perfect. You’re a bloody political statement.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Peter asked, sounding offended on James’s behalf. James peered at Remus, intrigued.

“Don’t you realize that showing the world that putting a Muggleborn and a Pureblood whose blood isn’t as pure as gold _screams_ peace and harmony? If you and Lily pull it off, James—you’ll prove that Purebloods and Muggleborns can work together just fine, and you’ll be Dumbledore’s lighthouse. Your father’s avidly spoken out against Voldemort and your mother has too—making you Head Boy shows that Dumbledore’s not afraid.”

“And,” Sirius said suggestively, “you would get to spend a lot of time with Evans.”

“Come off it,” said James. “I don’t like her all that much.”

“You used to,” Peter said. 

“I used to,” James repeated. “And I still do, a little. It’s hard not to. But, you know…she’s a challenge. _That’s_ why I like her. And she’s really hot. Sure—I guess you could say I just want to use her, but that’s because she really _resists._ I mean…I’ve been persistent with other girls and they’ve given in and gone out with me after a while just to get rid of me. And since…well, the beginning of fifth year I’ve been asking her out. She hates it. She hates _me._ ” James rubbed his hand over his forehead. “Even though I stopped at _least_ three months ago, she _still_ hates me! I don’t understand her and I’m getting sick of it. Really sick of it. And she just gets up and comes over here and she expects me to talk to her and not ask her out. Why does she—WHY does she try to make me so jittery and shit? I don’t—it doesn’t matter. I don’t really want a serious relationship anytime in the near future. And not with _her_. My dad probably wouldn’t approve.”

Peter stared thoughtfully in the direction Lily had gone. “You know, James…” He stopped, glancing at James, as if his suggestion was going to provoke an angry response.

“Yeah?”

“She’d make an _excellent_ recruit for the good side.”

James smiled. “As if I hadn’t thought of that.”

“You should try, though. Your dad might approve, then.”

James turned the thought over in his mind for a split second before forcing himself to forget about it. “It doesn’t matter to me,” he repeated as Peter laughed.

Sirius snorted disbelievingly and James threw a clump of grass at him. Sirius wiped dirt and grass off the front of his shirt and glared at James, who shrugged before lying down and closing his eyes, resting in the patches of glorious sun shining down through the canopy of bright green leaves overhead.

**……**

**Author’s Note:** This is Part I of a trilogy—this story will be 15 chapters long and as far as I know right now, will be set from July of 1977 to July of 1978. No more explanations necessary. Please enjoy! 


	2. Chapter One: White

**Chapter One**

**White**

_\--innocence, purification, holiness, love, redemption, peace--_

**......**

_July of 1977_

James Potter spent his first week of summer vacation before his last year of school sitting behind a desk in his father’s office building.

This occupation was not in the least a novelty. Every year, James was forced to file, mark, organize, run errands, and do anything else _anybody_ who worked for his father told him to do. He was right tired of saying ‘Yes, ma’am,’ and ‘No, sir,’ whenever a junior assistant who would end up working for James in the _same_ position many years later asked him, with a sneer for the boss’s son, to pick staplers out of endless packets of paper and organize them properly, by date. Numbers swam before James’s eyes, and by the end of July’s first week, he was ready to scream.

All he had to look forward to were the perks of being Chandler Potter’s son. At the end of the summer—six and a half or so _long_ weeks away, James would get to sit in on interviews, just as he had last year. It was the only time James had any authority, and he relished it greatly. James’s father actually _listened_ to him, this one and only time. Last year all but four applicants for junior level jobs had been people James knew, people James went to school with, fresh from their last year at Hogwarts or starting their last year. His opinion, for once, had been invaluable. Of course, there was the everlasting temptation to badmouth someone who had been a jerk, but James resisted the urge.

Well, for the most part. After all, James would never admit that he had steered his father away from several choice applicants known for dabbling in the Dark Arts—or, for other things. After all, one simply did not insult Lily Evans in front of James Potter and expect to get a job at _Potter Enterprises_. It was simply never done.

                   

“ _Potter._ Look up.”

James looked up from his pile of staples and frowned. “Hmm?”

“Wanna file these for me?” Becky Denby asked. She flipped her dark hair over her shoulder and smiled charmingly. James glanced at the files and saw that they were marked green—they had to be filed on the bottom floor of the filing wing, where there was only artificial, harsh lighting and, James was sure, some sort of creature that had bred in the remains of incompetent errand-boys past.

“Do it yourself, brat.”

“I’ll tell your dad on you, Potter,” she said immediately, as if she had prepared the response. James looked up carefully to see whether she was serious. She was blushing madly— _bingo._ She would never risk James’s disapproval. She knew that James had voted _yes_ for her employment on the basis of nothing but a first impression out in the hall on the morning of her interview. James had never met her in Hogwarts—she had been two years his senior.

“You’d never,” he retorted, sucking on his finger. He had just pricked himself with the edge of a warped staple.

“I’ll tell him about how you act around _Evans_ ,” Becky repeated.

James felt a stab of alarm, but he did not show it. He looked up at her. “Oh? And how do I act around Evans? Tell me, please, since you’ve seen me with her _quite_ often over the past two years.”

Becky flushed. She opened her mouth; James could already hear the incessant whining she would engage in so as to make him file the documents for her. He sighed. “Shut up. Fine.”

She grinned and slapped them down on his desk. “You’re a doll. _Thank_ you.” She turned to leave. James made a face behind her back. He heard her exclaim as he went back to the staples, but he did not look up to see the reason until he felt a hard whack to the side of the head.

“ _Damn!_ Padfoot, what the hell’s gone wrong with you?”

“Do you _always_ flirt with girls like her? You shit—won’t you take her up on her obvious offer and get rid of that cumbersome virginity problem?”

“Fuck you,” James spat at Sirius, glaring in his friend’s direction. “I don’t _want_ to shag Becky. She’s such a…”

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“…bitch, sometimes—don’t give me that look, Padfoot!”

Sirius shrugged. “Whatever. You done here?”

James glared at him. “You know I don’t get off till half-three.”

“Can’t you leave a little early?”

“What for?” James whined. “It’s pointless to try and I’ve got nowhere important to go.”

Sirius waggled his eyebrows. “Quidditch.”

James’s head shot up. “You found your _broom_?”

“Under my floorboards!” Sirius said triumphantly. “Aren’t you proud, Prongsie? Even I can outwit Bitchy Mrs. Black.”

James nodded vigorously. “Give me half an hour and I’ll be there.”

“No, you won’t.”

Both James and Sirius looked up. James stood immediately and nodded to his father as he stopped in front of James’s corner. Chandler Potter stood at two inches above six feet, with a broad chest and shoulders. He was striking in his crisp black work robes and with his head of white hair. James’s back straightened, involuntarily; his father always made him stand straighter. James’s dad frowned, looking at James’s desk.

“You have work to do. You’ll stay until four-thirty today.” He nodded curtly at Sirius and then turned on his heel, marching away without giving James a moment to respond. James’s mouth dropped open as he looked after his dad’s back. 

“Four-thirty? I have to stay until _four-thirty_?”

Sirius frowned and shifted from foot to foot. He never liked to get in the middle of James and his father’s arguments. “I can wait. Or you can ditch.”

He sounded like he didn’t quite relish the idea of James ditching. James clenched his hands into fists and sighed, then relaxed his fingers. “Wanna help me get this done quicker?”

Sirius snorted. “Yeah, right. Over my dead body. I’ll be at Fortescue’s.”

James made a face at Sirius’s back as he left and sat down to finish again. He looked up as Becky tapped a long nail on his desk just five minutes later. “I’ll have someone else file these for you,” she said gently, and then winked at him as she swept away the folders she had placed on his desk earlier. James frowned after her, exhaling deeply. Then he looked down at the huge stack of papers left on his desk. Rolling his eyes, he got down to work, wondering what his friends were doing.

He found out a half-hour later (he should have been leaving to play Quidditch, as it was three thirty), when Sirius snatched a sheaf of papers from his hands. James yowled at the horrible paper cut he had just received and had to grit his teeth to keep from swearing. “Padfoot, you arse! What was that for?”

Sirius grinned. “So sorry, Prongsie. I got bored. I came back.”

“You got bored?” James asked incredulously. Sirius was famous for occupying himself during times of boredom. 

“Bored. Yes, I’m sure you know what the term implies.”

James shrugged. “Fine. I’ll un-staple and you can sort.”

“Why do _I_ have to sort?” Sirius whinged. 

“Because you’re seventeen, Paddy,” replied James sweetly. “Now go.”

Sirius lazily raised his wand and began to sort the papers, glancing at his nails as he did so, while James pried out staplers with his little staple gun, somehow content in this task now that Sirius was with him.

**……**

Exactly one week later, on Friday, James threw open the door of the Leaky Cauldron and slammed it shut behind him, all but growling as he looked around for his friends. Such was the noise in the pub that no one noticed his brash actions, and James had to stop himself from wondering just what the point was.

“Right,” he muttered to himself. “No philosophy. Just find them—get this stupid day over with—”

He exhaled with relief when he saw Remus sitting at a table in the corner, looking around, supremely unconcerned. For a brief moment, James saw Remus as he would be in a few years—older than he should be, silver in his hair, a strange countenance only some people seemed to have, something that bespoke of trials untold. It filled James’s chest with an unfathomable sadness and he almost choked on it before shaking it off, and there was one of his best friends, still seventeen.

James sighed with relief and made his way over, rudely shoving past people who really didn’t seem to care. He smiled at Remus and wiped sweat from the back of his neck. “This is mad!” he said over the din.

Remus smiled and nodded. “Yeah. They better get here so we can leave!”

James nodded as well, thankful when Remus pushed a glass of ice cold lemonade towards him, and took a large swallow and set it down on the table.

Remus squinted at James and smiled grimly. “Is that glass,” he asked thoughtfully, “half-empty, or half-full?”

James stared at his friend and then at the lemonade. Snatching it, he finished it and set the empty glass down, smirking at Remus. “Neither.”

“Cheater,” Remus said, irritated. “Bloody unfair, that was.”

“What was unfair?”

James turned and immediately relaxed when he saw Sirius and Peter, both wiping sweat away from their eyes. “Good—can we finally get out of here? It’s so bloody hot!”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Calm yourself, Prongs,” he commanded, holding his hands out to signify inner peace. “Let us catch our breath, please?”

“You breathe the same air as these people for too long and you’ll be dying within a day,” James muttered. Peter laughed and James refrained from rolling his eyes at the grating, high-pitched sound.

“All right,” Sirius said, opening his eyes and standing. He grinned at James. “Let’s go.”

“Finally,” James sighed, shoving his chair in and putting some money on the table for the drink. He followed the rest of his friends out into the courtyard and Sirius did the honors, tapping the particular brick and stepping back as the famous archway appeared.

“Ah,” Sirius sighed. “Beautiful!”

James snorted and they walked into the alley, immediately accosted with dozens of scents and sounds. James couldn’t help but grin as they began perusing the familiar alley of their childhood once more. James was quite content to follow his friends and look around as they commented on merchandise on display in windows. He didn’t need to be active; passiveness seemed to suit him just fine at the moment.

Midday found the four boys sitting at a table outside Florian Fortescue’s. James was licking ice cream off his spoon when Sirius suddenly turned to him. “Hey—Prongs, why’re you so glum?”

For a moment, James considered not answering because it had taken Sirius this long to notice, but he didn’t have the energy. He reached into his pocket and tossed something shiny on the table. It glinted blindingly in the sunlight. “They threw the badge at me,” he answered despondently. 

Peter let out something akin to a squeak even as Sirius’s face gained a horrified expression. “You’re _Head Boy?_ ”

Remus made a sound of derision. “Didn’t we already talk about this? We knew it was coming!”

“No—” Sirius said, at a loss for words. “I mean it. Do you realize what this means?”

James shrugged. “My father is even _more_ selfish and controlling that we had ever previously thought?”

“ _Besides_ that!”

James shrugged, waiting for Sirius to continue. James listened for a moment before tuning him out, looking out at the street, teeming with people bustling around. He saw a number of Hogwarts students go by with bags of school supplies hanging from their wrists. He glared at the Slytherins and offered smiles to everyone else quite readily. The mass of people alternatively blurred and came back into sharp focus as he stared out at them, packed like honeybees in a honeycomb.

The greatest shock came when he caught sight of Lily Evans with Marlene and Evan Rosier. He felt a prickling of jealousy when Evan Rosier’s hand briefly rested on Lily’s slim waist before she moved away from him, her expression neutral. James could not tell whether she did or did not like the attention, but he felt that familiar pang.

It wasn’t as strong as it normally was. James frowned, thinking about that. Was it possible that he…was growing out of her?

It was hard to breathe at that. What would James be without Lily? What would he be if he didn’t have her to think about and impress? The thought of losing his little crush on her made him panic, he had to take deep breaths and clench his fists and a band tightened over his chest.

He truly tried to watch other people, but her shockingly red hair attracted his gaze every minute or so. He must have been staring at her for a minute when she looked around and saw him with his eyes on her. To his extreme pleasure and surprise, she offered a small smile and nudged Marlene, who waved. James waved back and almost fell out of his chair when they started walking over.

He turned to inform his friends but they were all watching him with mocking smiles on their faces. James scowled at them, daring them with his eyes to say a single word as Lily, Marlene, and Evan Rosier reached them. 

He was struck by just how pretty Lily was right then, and he shook it off, smiling up at her. “Hullo, Lily. Marlene. Rosier. Have a good summer?”

“Good enough,” Lily replied, standing awkwardly with a _Flourish and Blotts_ bag in her hand. “How about you?”

“Pretty good,” James said, all his friends agreeing in chorus. “You Head Girl?”

She nodded, her face suddenly as guarded as a castle under attack. Her eyes fell on the badge on the table and her face broke into a wide grin. “You’re Head Boy, Remus?”

James frowned and Remus coughed. Sirius, through his laughter, said, “No, Evans. James is Head Boy.”

Lily gave Sirius an irritated look and turned back to Remus. “Congratulations, Remus,” she said sincerely.

“No,” Remus corrected. “James really _is_ Head Boy.”

The smile melted off Lily’s face but it was back in a second. “Well, congratulations, James.” She held out her hand and James took it, clasping it warmly in his for just a moment before he pulled away. _I have my pride_ , James thought. _I’m not holding onto her hand like a lost puppy._ James did not miss the confused look on her face as he did not linger and went back to his ice cream, his eyes resting warmly on hers. 

“Well,” Lily said, clearing her throat. “I guess we’ll have to talk sometime about what we’d like to do this year.”

“I suppose so,” James said, stirring the melted ice cream in his bowl with his spoon. He offered nothing further and felt a surge of glee as the frown between her eyes deepened. 

“So we should probably get together once or twice before September,” Lily continued casually. James heard Marlene’s hacking cough and Sirius’s repressed sound of amusement. He felt the disbelief radiating from his friends and look up at Lily, a small, innocuous smile on his face.

“That’d be good,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “I’ll owl you?”

“Sure.” Lily adjusted the straps of her shopping bag. “I’ll see you later,” she finished, turning and weaving back through the crowd with her friends. James stared after her, knowing he couldn’t keep the grin from his face. Sirius punched him on the arm.

“Damn,” he said appreciatively. “Lily _Evans_. You’re _so_ going to get laid.”

James shrugged. “Nah. She’s too prude.”

“I don’t think so,” Sirius disagreed. “I think she’d wear you out, Prongs. Or—you never know. You could be secretly be a powerhouse. You might just be so good she’ll keep coming back for more.”

Just the thought of Lily Evans naked and writhing beneath him sent James’s blood rushing between his legs. He bit his lip and thought about Snape covered in chocolate; the discomfort immediately lessened and his pants were much looser, and he gave Sirius a disapproving look. “Please, Padfoot,” he said, “shut up!”

What came from Sirius’s mouth next was an explicit set of details about what, exactly, James should do to Lily Evans. By the time he was done speaking, James was a shade of red that could only be called fuchsia and Remus and Peter were laughing so hard they could not breathe.

**……**

James debated for a long time whether or not to send Lily Evans any sort of epistle whatsoever. By Sunday, he was staunchly supporting his decision to ignore her, but by Monday he was a nervous wreck about it again. Sirius called him a fool and for this, James locked him out of his apartment, but Sirius simply opened the door with his wand and smirked at James, who glared at him, wishing that it was his seventeenth birthday, already!

“It’s a big decision!” James explained. “I don’t want to make her think I still fancy her or some shit like that!”

Sirius snorted. “Okay, Prongs. Just go and not fancy her at your own home. Leave mine alone.”

James looked at Sirius incredulously. “You’re such a fuck,” he said, trying to keep his amusement from his voice. 

“I know. Now go to your room, and don’t come out until you’ve written to Evans.”

“I thought I was supposed to go to my home,” James countered. 

“Either way,” Sirius responded, switching on the wireless and flopping back on the couch with a magazine.

James went into the room he shared with Sirius when he stayed with him and dug around in Sirius’s dresser drawer for some parchment. He yelled when a loud _thunk_ broke his concentration and looked at the window, where an owl was trying to get into the room.

“Holy _shit_ ,” James gasped, giving the little, pitch black owl a death glare. He threw open the window and wrinkled his nose as the smell of London in high summer assaulted his senses, but the baking heat was of little bother to him. The owl flew into the room and dropped a parchment on the bed. James shut the window before it could leave and snatched up the parchment, his heart thumping.

His name was written on the small folded over piece of parchment in curvy, purple writing. He flipped it open and grinned. “PADFOOT!”

“WHAT?”

“COME IN HERE!”

“YOU COME IN _HERE_ , PRICK!”

James gave in and stepped into the sitting room/kitchen/dining room. “Lily wrote me.”

Sirius sat up, looking mildly interested. “Read it aloud. Has she propositioned you?”

James ignored that. “‘Dear James’.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow when James stopped, savoring the words on the parchment. “Prongs, have your wet dream later. Is that all she wrote?”

James cleared his throat, “‘Dear James,’” he read again, “‘I haven’t heard from you since we ran into each other in Diagon Alley on Friday so I’m sure you’ve forgotten that you said you would write me—’”

Sirius promptly began howling with laughter, banging on the arm of the couch.

“‘—so that we could meet to plan things for this year. So write me back if you get a chance and let me know. Regards, Lily.’’”

“ _Regards._ Hot, very hot.”

“Lay off,” James grumbled, reading the note again. Nothing. There was nothing offered there to tell what she thought of him. He paused for just a second, staring at huge, run-on first sentence. His folded up the letter quickly and stuffed it in his pocket. “Padfoot,” he said.

“Mm.”

“I hate you.”

Sirius blew a raspberry at him, and James rolled his eyes and left.

**……**

When James got home, he took the stairs two at a time and ran into his mother at the top, almost stumbling back and falling down the long flight of steps. He grabbed hold of the railing and grinned at his mother, who had her hand over her heart.

“James! You’re going to kill yourself!”

“Not yet!” he sang at her, stepping around her and taking her hand. “Feeling all right?”

She took her hand back and frowned at him. “Of course. I’m not that old. Your father wants you at the office next week.”

James shook his head. “No can do. I—”

His mother silenced him with a look. “James—he works so hard to pay for everything you get and everything you buy. The _least_ you could do is spend every other week this summer at the office.”

“Every other _week?_ ” James asked, his voice cracking. “Mum—I always work the first week of summer! That’s it! Why every other week?”

His mother simply looked at him again. “In a little over a year—”

“Yeah,” James said angrily, “a _year!_ I’m not starting anything at the company for at least a year! He just needs another paper pusher to pick out staples from packets— _look_!” he said, holding out his fingers so his mother could see the scabs he had from the sharp staples. “Those _hurt!_ ”

His mother pursed her lips. “Big baby,” she muttered, sympathetic, but she didn’t pull out her wand and get rid of them. “Next week, James.”

James made a face at her back as she continued down the stairs, and then he walked down the long hallway to his room. He slammed the door shut and collapsed on his bed, groaning and thinking about how terrible another Monday at the office was going to be like. Then he rolled over and muffled a yell in his pillow, the note from Lily Evans crinkling in his pocket. He pulled it out and grabbed a quill and some ink from his bedside table, scribbling out a short, curt note telling her that he was available anytime until Sunday this week. Not feeling very generous, he simply wrote his name with no preceding ‘sincerely’ or ‘regards’ or ‘yours’. He called for his owl and sent it off, gritting his teeth against the excruciating pain of knowing he would never have more than this, this horrible curt reply to Lily’s long, run on note. 


	3. Chapter Two: Amber

**Chapter Two: Amber**

**{ _For You To Notice…_ , by Dashboard Confessional}**

_\--solar, spiritual, divine attraction, courage, fertility--_

**……**

_July 1977_

The day Lily Evans ran into James Potter in Diagon Alley, after she had walked away from him, surprised at her daring and audacity, she submitted her application to Potter Enterprises. The application was long, but she took her time with it before she sent it off, hoping James would never see it. 

Before she sent it she had jumped on her bed and screamed into her pillow, so shocked was she at the fact that she had walked up to a group of boys and spoken, especially one including James Potter. Then she had calmly gotten up and sent off her application. If she was accepted to interview, and if she was deemed capable, she would intern over the Christmas Holidays and through the summer after seventh year, before she began an actual entry-level job in September of next year. 

Truthfully, Lily spent a good deal of her time thinking about James Potter, although she would never admit it. It was when he spoke to her that she had issues—her sarcasm kicked in and it was all she could do to actually be nice to him. She spent so much of her time rejecting him when really…when really, now that he seemed disinterested, she was utterly dismayed.

She was still thinking about her application the Monday after she had seen James, once more while lying on her bed, and now she groaned, muffling it in her pillow. She was used to people coming up to _her_ and talking, not the other way around. She had only approached James _once_ before, and that was a month ago, before they left Hogwarts. She had gone over there like a skank, unbuttoning her shirt and rolling up her skirt to see just how much of a chance she had at getting a job through him.She was a terrible person. How _long_ had she fancied James? And how long had she sat, furious with herself, as she watched James be a jerk to some poor, unsuspecting student who didn’t know any better than to talk to him and his stupid friends? Sometimes she had to tell herself to hate him, because it wasn’t right to fancy someone who was such an idiot.

But she did. Lily licked her lips and sighed.

The boy was so damn polite. He said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ to teachers and they all loved him for it. He was sweet to girls and too charming for his own good, and Lily could not stand this new indifference, this new uncaring attitude where he paid more attention to _Marlene_ than to her. She rolled over on her bed and exhaled, drawing designs on her stomach with one finger. She closed her eyes and squeezed her eyes shut as the want, the desire, the longing for something more stole into her heart.

She let her head drop to the side and stared out the open window at the smoggy London air. Her breath caught in her throat and she bit her lip. She stretched her arms over her head and shut her eyes, curling her legs and arms in so she could fall asleep, safe.

She woke when Marlene’s owl hooted in her ear, dragging his beak through her hair. She glared at the owl and snatched the crinkled parchment from its talons, shooing it away. “Bitch,” she muttered, sticking her tongue out as the owl soared away. She stared after the disappearing black speck, chewing her lip. She could either buy an owl of her own or pay for her books…she let out a long breath and then shook her head.

“Right,” Lily said, dismayed after reading the ‘letter’. She had written this nervous little note and got back a stupid ‘anytime before Sunday’ note. She threw it to the side and flopped back on her bed, her eyes narrowed as she pursed her lips. _Forget James,_ she thought. _There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with Marlene for the rest of my life._

Two seconds later she sprang up and scribbled out a note to James. Perhaps they could meet on Thursday, at his house? She didn’t dare offer her flat as a meeting place—the mere thought of James Potter coming to her house and seeing the way she lived humiliated her. She was sure he lived in a mansion of sorts, and she would be just fine without him seeing her tiny, overcrowded flat.

A door slammed somewhere inside and Lily looked up quickly, instinctively covering the words on the parchment. If her parents saw, or Petunia saw and told them, she would have so much explaining to do. Her parents didn’t want her to date. In fact, they preferred it if she stayed as far away from boys as possible and an exchange of letters with a boy meant more to her parents than it did to her.

Her father would see right through her if she tried to lie about James being just a friend. Of course she wanted more. She was starved for a boyfriend—she just hadn’t any idea how to go about getting one or even how to be comfortable _talking_ with a boy. She threw the letter into her desk drawer just as her mother called her name.

“Coming!” she cried, yanking open her door and stepping into the hallway. The lights were out and as always, she shrank away from the walls, as if they were going to close in on her and crush her between.

“Lily, have you seen my pearls?” her mother asked distractedly, rifling through some bills sitting on the counter and pushing them aside with a worried glance. Some of the drawers were hanging open, their contents spilled on the floor. If they had owned anything valuable, Lily would have thought they were in the process of being robbed. 

“No, Mum. Why do you need them?”

Her mother sighed, glancing up long enough to send Lily a tired smile. “Aggie’s Confirmation on Saturday. I’ve only just remembered they weren’t in my jewelry box when I looked. How _could_ I have lost them?”

Lily sighed. Her mother had been raised a devout Catholic but had not married one—she had lost touch with her faith as the years went on but whenever she had to see her parents she went mad trying to look nice. Aggie—her mother’s oldest friend’s daughter, was being Confirmed the coming weekend. Lily rolled her eyes. The last thing she wanted to do was sit in a church on her Saturday morning to watch a bratty seven-year-old recite her catechism. 

“Behave yourself, Lily. Petunia never complains about going to church, and you know she likes it less than you do.”

“Mum, I’m a witch. Christ would have burned me at the stake.”

“Christ would have forgiven you for your _sins_ ,” her mum hissed, slamming a drawer shut. Lily jumped, and then her eyes filled with tears. Her mother’s face softened. “Lily…”

“No, I’m fine,” muttered Lily. “I’m just…I’m getting my period. I’m easily upset.” She shot her mother a smile and whipped around, walking quickly back to her room and shutting the door behind her.

Lily’s _sins_? Occasionally, but more frequently now, her mother said things like _that._ As if she believed in God more and more every day, as if the Bible was a dictation for her way of life. When Lily had received her Hogwarts letter her Mum had said nary a word against witchcraft, and she had always seemed supportive of Lily and her every endeavor, Muggle or not. But now, with every passing moment, as money came in less and went out more, her mother was less and less accepting of Lily’s differences, of her refusal to believe in God.

Lily wiped her tears from her eyes and gritted her teeth. Marlene’s owl was sitting on her windowsill again, looking quite angry to be back at Lily’s flat. 

“ _We need to chat. Must have another Lily-fix. Diagon at six tomorrow? Come all dolled up and we’ll pick up some dishy ones. Not at all like Mr. Pimply-face and Mr. Clammy-hands last time._

_\--Marls.”_

Lily wrote a quick note back saying six at Diagon Alley tomorrow was perfect and sent it off, also attaching her crumpled note to James so the owl could deliver that, too. She shut her window and smiled, kicking off her flip flops. She tried not to think about her mother. She glanced at the clock; it was eight. She grabbed her drawing pad and pulled back the covers on her bed, curling up to sketch before Petunia got home.

**……**

She didn’t dress up for her meeting with Marlene on Tuesday. Marlene had already seen everything nice she owned, so Lily simply threw on a pair of jeans and a decent, if not the slightest bit fancy, blouse. She stared at herself in the mirror and furrowed her brow before reaching for her makeup kit. She set it down, then picked it up again. She never wore make-up during the summer because her parents disliked it, but she normally wore it at school. 

_Forget them_ , she thought, defiant, and she applied her normal, everyday eye makeup. She grabbed her near-empty purse and her wand before leaving her room quietly. “I’m going to see Marlene,” she called out generally, and then rushed to the front door, slamming it quickly behind her and clattering down the steps. The air outside her building was humid and smelled of cigarettes. Lily inhaled deeply—it was _so_ familiar and so different from the air at Hogwarts. It was distinctly of her home. She sighed and began the five-minute walk to the nearest Underground entrance.

Fifteen minutes later she was entering Diagon Alley, pushing through crowds of people as she headed to Fortescue’s, her usual meeting spot with Marlene. She stopped dead when she saw her friend, dismayed. Marlene was wearing her shortest denim skirt with fishnets and boots and a skimpy tank top—she had _really_ meant to dress up! Lily glanced down at her jeans and bit her lip. “Shit.”

Marlene looked up and did a double take. “Lily! What the hell are you doing in all that _fabric_?”

“I didn’t think you _meant_ it,” Lily groused. “God, all I did was put on some mascara—”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Don’t be silly. What shoes are you wearing?”

“Dominatrix boots,” Lily said, referring to her knee-high, lace-up, black boots with the small heels. She had bought them at a rummage sale several years back; Marlene had made her swear to wear them every time they went to Diagon Alley.

Marlene sighed. “Oh, they get hot. Well, forget that. Come inside and I’ll transfigure your clothes.”

Lily hesitated. “Marls—”

Marlene glared at her. 

“Fine.” She followed Marlene into the crowded shop and they went into the loo. Lily threw her bag down and stood with her arms out. “Work your magic.”

“Your jeans are crap, you know?”

Lily frowned. “They’re also tight on me, but I can’t afford to buy another pair.”

Marlene went silent. She never wanted for money and Lily knew she always felt uncomfortable when Lily shoved her poverty in Marlene’s face. 

“You’re in luck, sweetie. Right now in my room is a nice pair of dark denim jeans in exactly your size, waiting to be wrapped for your birthday. _Now_ may I rip those horrid things into pieces and make them a nifty skirt-type-thing?”

Lily grinned, even though she didn’t know whether to believe Marlene. “Be my guest.” She kicked off her boots and shimmied out of her jeans, handing them to Marlene and standing before her in her knickers. Marlene looked pointedly at the fine, sparse hairs on Lily’s upper thighs. 

“Lily…”

“I haven’t got a boyfriend to touch me up high, Marlene,” Lily snapped. “Or anyone, as a matter of fact. I shaved up halfway, just make the skirt that long.”

Marlene sighed. “If you don’t want to look like a tramp, that’s your problem. Do you have a knife or any scissors?” 

Lily’s eyebrows went up but Marlene had already reached into her bag and yanked out a pair of silver scissors. She began to cut along the inner seam of Lily’s old and tattered jeans. She cut off the legs and handed the excess fabric to Lily, then used an unfamiliar spell to stitch the cut up jeans into something that looked quite like a skirt. “Here.”

Lily pulled it on and smiled. “Gorgeous.” She slipped her boots back on and pulled her shirt down a little. Marlene told her to turn around and gathered Lily’s hair up, clipping it with a simple hairclip. She handed a tube of lipstick to Lily and slapped her on the ass. 

“Nice lacy knickers for someone without a boyfriend,” she murmured, and Lily kicked her. 

“Shut up, you.” She uncapped the lipstick and put it on, trustingly. It was bright, vamp-like red. She smiled at Marlene, closed the tube, and gave it back. “Thanks.”

“No prob. Let’s go and eat some ice cream and sit and wait to get picked up.”

They began to walk out of the loo. Lily waited until they were outside the noisy, clamoring parlor and were standing outside until she said, quietly, “I won’t ruin it this time.”

Marlene stopped short and turned around. “You didn’t _ruin_ it last time, Lily. Not for me. Just for yourself. You need to be nicer. Don’t be so sarcastic and don’t roll your eyes, it’s a turn-off. No bloke wants to work hard for a girl.” She paused. “I love you, you know.”

Lily pushed her. “Shut up before I jump you, hot stuff. There’s an empty table there.”

They slid into the two empty seats and for just a moment, the world stopped for them. Lily and Marlene grinned at each other, two teenage girls on the brink of womanhood, two girls with the world before them—a dark world, admittedly, with more death than they cared for, but a huge and endless world of opportunities all the same—two girls who suddenly were shocked out of that moment by James Potter’s voice.

“Sorry I’m la—ah—ate…what the _fuck_ are you wearing, Evans?”

Lily thought for just a second of the Christmas morning in last year when she had gone to his dorm to pick up her stolen present. _What the_ fuck _are you doing in here, Evans?_ he had asked then. She glanced up at him, momentarily frozen. “Late?” she asked, dazed.

“For our meeting. You sent a note—six at Diagon Alley, and obviously you’ve got no idea what I’m talking about.” He looked down and stuck his hand into his pocket, and Lily took the opportunity to study him. She swallowed hard, because he looked _so attractive._ She looked over at Marlene, who was assessing James with the same appreciative look in her eyes.

Lily was suddenly very cold. _NO._ Marlene could absolutely, under no circumstances, ever fancy James. Lily was nothing compared to Marlene. She could never win him back from Marlene’s charm and wit and confident attitude.

“Here—” James said, holding up the note. “It says…oh.” He paused. “It’s written on the back of a note from you, Marlene.”

She smiled up at him. “Are you sure you didn’t already know that?” she asked, her voice low and her eyes fixed on James’s.

James put the note down on the table, very slowly, his eyes locked with Marlene’s. “Positive. But if I had, maybe I still would have come. Who can resist the idea of you two getting all dolled up if dolled up means what you’re wearing right now?”

“Excited?”

James smiled—no, he leered. He leered at Marlene, but it was the kind of leer that girls loved: the leer that said _you’re so turning me on right now._

“I forgot my bag in the loo,” Lily said quietly, and she left them to talk. Obviously something was starting there, something that didn’t involve Lily in the slightest. In the ladies’ room, she looked at herself in the mirror and tried to smooth the frown from between her eyebrows. She rubbed her lips together and the pushed away from the sink and went back outside, where James and Marlene were giving their order.

The smallest part of Lily had expected James to forget Marlene and follow her.

He hadn’t, though. Lily put her bag down and slid unobtrusively back into her seat. Neither Marlene nor James said anything to her. She smiled up at the waitress who came to take their order and waited pointedly for James and Marlene to stop flirting. 

“Two scoops of vanilla in a cup, please,” Lily said, polite as always.

James wrinkled his nose. “How bland.”

Lily turned to glare at him as Marlene laughed. “I know. She always gets vanilla.”

Lily’s face burned. She dug her nails into her palms and looked carefully away. She noticed James watching with interest.

“Strawberry-vanilla swirl with chocolate drizzle, please,” Marlene said, and then, to Lily’s utter disbelief, she looked quickly at James, as if to see if he approved.

But James was not looking at Marlene—he was staring off into space. “Vanilla,” he said quietly to the waitress. “Two scoops, in a cone.”

Marlene suddenly looked a little less triumphant. She hesitated, and then smiled. “There’s nothing wrong with bland,” she finally said. “Excuse me, I need to use the loo.”

James waited until she left and turned to Lily. “That was a _bitch_ moment,” he said then, leaning in.

Lily nodded, still looking away from him.

“Does she always say shit like that? Agree with the aggressor and put you down?”

Lily turned towards him quickly. “Are we _friends_ , James Potter? Really? Are we?”

He stared at her, speechless.

Lily barreled on, waving her hands around, trying to illustrate her point. “We aren’t—we’re acquaintances, James. So whatever issues I have with Marlene—I don’t need to share them with _you,_ of all people. There’s not reason for me to bitch about my best friend to you.”

James’s face hardened and he gave her a curt nod. He sat his jaw and shifted his eyes from her.

Just then, Lily remembered that she was supposed to be _nice_ to James. She was supposed to actually try to get on his good side, let him know she wanted to design, let him put in a word with his father without her having to ask… _damn._

“Potter.”

He wouldn’t look at her. 

“ _James._ ”

But just then Marlene returned, and Lily shut up. The waitress came by moments later and set down their ice cream, handing James’s his cone and then hurrying away without another word. Lily began eating immediately, but Marlene simply toyed with her spoon, swirling ice cream around on it and then slipping it into her mouth, pulling it out slowly, her eyes on James the whole time. James grinned back at her.

_What is_ wrong _with me_? Lily thought. _Why can’t I hold a bloke’s interest? It’s not my fault Marls is such a damn livewire—boys are so bored after five minutes with me they have nowhere else to turn_ except _Marlene!_

After five or so more minutes, James stood up, pulling some sickles out of his pocket and leaving them on the table. “I insist,” he said to Marlene. Then he looked at Lily. “Evans,” he said quietly, almost disappointed, completely indifferent, agonizingly sincere…

“Is tomorrow good?” Lily blurted out. “I suppose you didn’t get my note…”

“I did,” Marlene said, raising her hand. “Sorry, I forgot to mention. I assumed you’d sent the wrong note and I came here anyways.”

Lily nodded. “Well?” she asked, raising her eyebrows at James.

“How about right here?” he suggested. “Common ground—no one’s got home court advantage…”

Lily couldn’t help but smile. “Okay. Fine. Three sound good?”

“How about two-thirty?”

“Done,” Lily said, and then James put out his hand for her to shake it. Lily checked, not sure whether he was screwing with her, and James pulled his hand back. 

“Never mind. Well, I’ve got to go, if we’re not going to have our meeting or anything now. I’ll see you tomorrow, Lily, and I’ll see you soon, Marlene.”

Marlene jumped up and hugged James. “See you, James.”

James smiled at her, pushed in his chair, and walked away. Lily watched him until he was out of sight.

“Is it my imagination, or is he _hot_ all of a sudden? Like more than usual?”

Lily shrugged. She refused to look Marlene in the eye, lest her friend see Lily’s anger.

“Oh, _Lily…_ come on. Vanilla is bland, you must admit. Don’t make this into a big deal—you do that with me and you do it with guys and blokes hate it. Please don’t be uptight…”

Lily shrugged.

“There’s a girl,” Marlene said brightly. “Now, what do you want to do? We can stay around here, or we can walk about and find something else. We can go into Muggle London, right…oooh! I know! We can…”

And so they sat, Marlene chattering on, and Lily with a nagging feeling that she had lost something imperative in this past half hour.

**……**

_It wouldn’t have done to not wear the boots, right? After all, I am in Diagon Alley, and I did promise Marls…_

Lily was trying to rationalize her boots. They really did border on inappropriate when she wore them with a skirt, as she was doing now. She knew this was business, and that she shouldn’t dress up for James, but what was the harm in dressing up if it got her a job at his father’s company? She saw no problem with that. Lily smoothed out some wrinkles in her skirt and crossed her legs, one way, and then the other. The sun was beating down on the crowded street; Lily was glad for the shade of the umbrella under which she was sitting. She smiled at a group of girls she went to school with, but they did not smile back. Lily rolled her eyes and drummed her fingers on the table, craning her neck to see if James had arrived yet.

“Hey.”

Lily jumped, slamming her hand down on the table and whirling around to find James’s face right next to hers. He held there, simply smirking at her, before he sat down in the chair across from her. He was not wearing robes—just a sky blue button-down shirt and a loose pair of jeans with dirty grey trainers on his feet. He grinned at her and Lily tucked her hair behind her ear. 

“So?”

He cocked his head. “So?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Come on, James. We’ve got to do something useful if we’re going to have these meetings.”

“Oh, no we don’t. These meetings are a joke!”

Lily made a move to get up. “Then—we don’t need to have them.”

James stopped her with a look. “Lily, we are _not_ friends.”

Lily’s face burned. Mortified, she sank back into her seat and crossed her legs. “I didn’t mean that yesterday,” she said quietly.

“Yes, you did,” said James. “Of course you meant it. And—it’s true.” He leaned closer to her over the table. “We’re acquaintances, really. Nothing more. We’ve had a lot of classes together and we’ve got some mutual friends but aside from that, there’s nothing to connect us.”

“Why are we talking about this?” Lily crossed her arms over her chest and sat back in her chair. 

“It’s important, Evans.” Lily tried not to flinch as he used her surname. “We need to work together.” James paused. “Especially…now…”

Lily nodded, hoping to cut him off. She suddenly did not want him to continue, did not want to hear another lecture on the horrors in the world, the coming war they would soon be embroiled in, the importance of cooperation and communication….

“Okay,” she agreed, holding up her hands in compliance and leaning forward. “So what…you want to become friends?”

James waggled his eyebrows. “Yeah. Finally. After six years.”

“That’s not my fault,” replied Lily immediately. 

James’s face took on such an expression, an expression she had never seen before—he gave her look that said _what the hell are you talking about?_

“What?” Lily asked. “It’s true!”

James shook his head. “Evans—”

“My name is _Lily_ —”

“Lily—”

“I didn’t say you could _use_ my name, _Potter!_ ”

James stopped talking, his jaw clenched. He exhaled slowly, meeting her eyes, “Okay, Miss Head Girl.”

“It isn’t my fault,” repeated Lily, squirming in her seat. 

“You hate me, Lily—of course it’s your fault—”

“I don’t _hate_ you, James. I always thought you disliked me, rather…”

“Me? Dislike you? Shut up, Lily,” he said good-naturedly. “I’m the one who always asks you out, and you refuse immediately—”

“That’s because you don’t mean it, not really!” Lily burst out. “It’s—it’s all one big joke to you, just a passing amusement—you don’t ask me out because you want me to say yes, James! You ask me out because you know I’ll always say no!”

James rubbed at the lines between his eyebrows, which were drawn in consternation. “I suppose we’ll just have to agree to disagree,” he said quietly.

“Don’t be stupid—say something _original_ at least.”

James did not take the bait. He simply looked at her, appearing very tired, and suddenly Lily thought she may have overstepped an essential line. The very point of it was that they were not friends, and thus, there were certain things she could not say to him. What drove her mad was that he seemed to care not at all what she was saying—he only wanted to get this over with.

Lily averted her eyes. “Truce?”

James’s chair grated on the concrete as he moved to get up and walk around to her side of the table. “Truce? I don’t think so.” 

He leaned down a little so she could hear him. She noticed just then, once again, how nice his eyelashes were, and how pretty his hazel eyes were, and how his face was so beautifully delicate; and how his shoulders filled out his t-shirt, and his sinewy arms, strong and lean from years of Quidditch—he really was a spectacular Chaser—and how he wasn’t muscular or good-looking in a conventional sense, but simply wildly, dangerously, and unfailingly attractive. Lily took a deep breath and met his eyes. Just then, her heart sank so low she didn’t think she would ever be able to feel properly again: James was regarding her with impatience, indifference…nothing that made her think he wanted her like she wanted him.

“Not a truce,” he repeated. “A friendship.”

“An armistice?” Lily asked.

James gave her a perplexed look. “Um, yeah. Sure.”

Lily shrank back in her seat. James remained where he was. They stayed there for sometime, watching the waitresses bustling about with trays of food and ice cream, looking at the crowds of people who were shopping. When Lily glanced back at James, she saw that he was closely watching the crowd in front of _Flourish & Blotts, _as if trying to find someone in particular.

“I’m having a birthday party next Friday,” James said suddenly, still looking out over the crowd. “The 29th.”

Lily smiled wanly, not sure what to say. “That should be nice.”

James pursed his lips. “I wasn’t going to invite you, Lily, but now that….”

“Ah, yes,” Lily said bitterly, “now that you _have_ to.”

James was silent for a moment; Lily had expected him to respond to her words. “Er…today’s my birthday.”

“Oh!” Lily said. She paused. “Well…happy birthday then, I suppose.” She smiled up at him. She almost stood to hug him, but for some reason she thought he would not like that, so she stayed where she was sitting. “Seventeen, eh? Now you can do whatever you want…”

“When do you turn seventeen?”

“August 19th,” Lily said promptly. “Why aren’t you doing something this weekend instead?”

James shrugged. “Dunno. It makes more sense to do it next weekend—we’ll do mine Friday, and Remus’s birthday actually is the 6th of August, so we’ll celebrate his following Saturday, and then Peter turns seventeen the Thursday after…” He raised his eyebrows. “So are you coming?”

“On the 29th?” Lily asked, surprised.

“Yeah.”

“Well….”

He waited, not patiently “….Yes?”

“I don’t go places by myself,” Lily said, careful not to put too much emotion behind the words.

James rolled his eyes. “Ask Marlene to come. She’s always having a good time—we invited a lot of people for mine since everyone loves me more—” He grinned now, as if to say it was okay for her to laugh with him, “—but we didn’t think to invite you two. I didn’t want to get you hacked off at me or anything before we had to work together so I never bothered.” 

Lily had hoped he would convince her to come by herself. She had never actually been to a Hogwarts party before…she knew they happened, but she only had knowledge of them through Marlene. A part of Lily had been so excited to be going somewhere without Marlene, for once, somewhere Lily could be the center of attention.

“I see. I’m not worth the bother.”

James shut his eyes. “Cow,” he muttered, but he was smiling.

Lily grinned, ducked her head down, and hoped that this year would be a good one.

**……**

“You look like a _slag_!”

Lily smiled and twirled. “Thanks!” She bowed and Sarah Mercer shook her head.

“No! Lily, you _cannot_ bend over in that skirt! What’s your mum going to say? She doesn’t even like for you to wear make-up!”

Lily shrugged. “Mummy dearest and Daddy aren’t home, Sarah—actually that doesn’t matter, since they are _finally_ letting me sleep here. Marls, do you have the bathing suit I asked you to bring?”

Marlene nodded. “Yeah. When are Miriam and Beth coming? Do either of you know?”

Both and Lily and Sarah said no. “I didn’t think Miriam wanted to go to James’s anyways,” said Lily.

“I convinced her. She really didn’t want to see Sirius, is all. I bet five sickles they hook up again tonight.”

Lily clucked her tongue sympathetically; Miriam had wasted no time hitting on Sirius back in late February (Lily had wanted to scream—Miriam had simply declared her fancy for Sirius and promptly gone over and began flirting with him. Two days later they were going out. Three months later they were done, not that anyone had ever told Lily why) and now she could barely stand to see him.

“Why’d they break up, anyways?” Marlene was careful not to look very interested in Sarah’s answer.

Sarah bit her lip. “I’ve been sworn to secrecy. It was bad, though.”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Thanks for the tease, you bitch.”

Sarah snapped her fingers. “It’s what I’m here for, yeah?”

Neither Lily nor Marlene answered her. “Here,” Marlene said instead, tossing Lily a small shopping bag. Lily had left her bathing suit in Marlene’s bathtub the last time she had been here. She pulled out the bikini and, out of habit, furtively looked around to make sure no one was looking. Then she stopped herself. _Mum and Dad are not here. They never come to Marlene’s—_ for it was at Marlene’s that the five Gryffindor girls were readying themselves of James Potter’s pool party.

“Are you really wearing that?” Marlene asked.

“God, no,” Lily answered. “I brought jeans with me. Somehow fishnets and a miniskirt only make sense as a joke when I’m actually going out, you know.”

“Could have fooled me,” Marlene muttered, and Lily had the distinct impression that he best friend in the world was completely serious. However, Lily ignored it—she did not need to start a fight.

“HELLO GIRLS!”

Lily jumped and dropped her bikini. “Cripes!”

Miriam Holt and Bethany Meadowes had just burst through Marlene’s bedroom door, two full bottles of alcohol in their hands—one of Ogden’s Finest Firewhiskey, and another of high-quality regular, old-fashioned (for Lily, at least), Muggle vodka.

“Oh boy,” Sarah said. “They’re gone already.”

“No, we most certainly are NOT! We’re just excited. Lily—is that what you’re wearing?” Miriam’s eyes went wide at Lily skirt, fishnets, and heels.

“No,” Lily said. She held up her bikini. “I’m wearing this.”

“Nice,” Miriam said, grinning. “Mummy and Daddy Evans don’t know about that, do they?”

“They know about it like Mama and Papa Holt know about what you’re holding right now,” Lily rejoined, and Miriam’s grin widened. She kissed the bottle of Firewhiskey.

“Can you _wait_ to get drunk of your arse, Lily?”

“No,” Lily said again. “Absolutely cannot wait. For the one shot that will have me completely plastered.”

Beth giggled. “Yes, and then you and James Potter can fuck the night away in his bedroom. He’ll _love_ that bikini, Lily.”

Lily shifted, uncomfortable. A shock had gone through her at Beth’s coarseness—not because she thought I disgusting, but more because it made her feel a jolt deep within, a stirring of desire.

Marlene looked at her shrewdly. “What, Lily. Do you fancy James, now? All of a sudden?”

Lily opened her mouth to tell the truth, to say that yes, she did want James, and quite a bit, but then she stopped. Marlene would use it as a talking-point. Lily wouldn’t put it past her friend for one second to tell James, and then he would look at her like she was mad, as if she was conceited and stupid and a _bitch_ … “No, I don’t. But I’d love to have him put in a word with his father for me.”

The other girls looked confused. Marlene understood first. “Oh. _Potter Enterprises._ ”

Lily nodded.

“Good on you,” Sarah said. “Who wants to fuck James anyways? Can you open the bottle, please?”

Beth nodded. “Vodka? Firewhiskey?”

“I want some fi _YA_!” Sarah said, getting off Marlene’s bed. She took the now open bottle from Beth and took a swig. “Now girls…don’t let me sleep with Snape or something, yeah?”

“Oh, the possibilities…” Miriam said. “You know—I’ve never been here before, Marlene.”

“Only Lily has,” Marlene said absently, searching through a large drawer of bathing suits. Marlene was rich—her room was absolutely huge. The bed was a four poster, much like the ones at Hogwarts, with damask hangings and fluffy pillows. Clothes were strewn out over the bed and on the floor, clothes of every imaginable shape, color, and size. 

Lily kicked off her heels, peeled off her whorish fishnets, and yanked down her skirt. Marlene looked at her upper thighs and grinned. “What is it with you and lacy black knickers, Lily? And you _shaved_! Are you expecting something, my love?”

“No,” Lily said. She noticed she was saying that quite a bit tonight. “Turn around, girls, I’m putting on a bathing suit and you really don’t need to watch.”

“Go to the loo,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes.

“Or you could, you know, just let us see your tits,” Sarah said, shrugging. She was lounging on the bed, running her hand along the velvet coverlet, the bottle in her hand three-quarters full of amber whiskey. Sarah was an easy drunk, like Lily.

“Someone take that away from her,” Miriam said, suddenly quiet. “Give that here, Sarah!”

Sarah smiled. “No, first let’s have a gander at Lily’s pussy.” She locked her eyes on Lily’s and smiled slowly, widely, _lustfully._

Three seconds’ ringing silence followed this declaration. Lily swallowed, Marlene stopped straightening her hair, Beth went _scarlet,_ and Miriam stared at Sarah.

“Shut the fuck up, you berk,” she said, striding over to Sarah and yanking the bottle from her hand. Whiskey spilled on the disgustingly expensive, plush carpet, but no one noticed except Lily. 

“I’m going to the loo,” Lily said quietly, and she stepped backwards into Marlene’s private bathroom. She hastily yanked off her knickers, her shirt, and her bra, and then she stepped into the bikini. It was black—the top was a halter-neck. It happened to be the only nice piece of clothing Lily owned, besides her boots, that was not a hand-me-down (Lily’s chest was hardly _large_ , but Petunia was downright flat, and Lily would never fit into her bras or bathing suits). She tied the straps of the bikini and stepped outside, almost bumping into Beth, who rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door. 

“You look hot,” Marlene remarked. 

Lily twirled in her place. “Why, thankee.” She picked up her jeans and shimmied into them, then picked up a threadbare white top in the same style as her bikini top and put that on. She straightened the top and picked up the bottle of vodka—someone had opened it. Lily drank one sip down and came up coughing. Her eyes were watering; it was strong.

“You should wear a skirt,” Miriam said. Lily looked up, startled—she had hardly noticed Miriam was still in the room, for the girl was so quiet. Lily glanced at Sarah, who was sitting on the bed and staring off into space. Lily decided to ignore whatever Sarah had said earlier—drunken girls said plenty of things they didn’t mean, and even if Sarah did want…

Lily stopped thinking about Sarah and…

_Stop thinking about it!_

“I didn’t bring a decent one,” replied Lily.

“You’re my size, you dolt. Do you honestly _never_ think?” Marlene opened the door to her closet. “Go and pick. Don’t wear the denim one you were wearing earlier. It makes you look like a—”

“Slag, I know.”

“A call girl, actually,” Marlene said. 

“Even better,” Sarah said, giggling.

“Shut up,” Miriam said sharply.

Sarah did.

Lily and Marlene ignored this exchange, if only for their own sanity. “We really should get going,” Lily said, and then she went over to Marlene’s closet to find a skirt. She finally settled on a bright green one that would go well with her eyes, pulled off her jeans, and put on the skirt. “I’m so done. I’m sick of changing. And we’re late.”

“Anxious to see _James?_ ” Miriam asked.

Lily was glad they couldn’t see her blush. “No, Miriam. Shut up about it, would you?” She rolled her eyes as Marlene pulled her shirt over her head, revealing her bare chest for a split-second before turning around. 

“Put on some clothes,” Miriam said, her voice very quiet. “Beth!” she called. “Aren’t you _done_ yet?”

“Yeah,” Beth said, pulling the door and open and stepping out. 

“Can we go now?” Lily asked. “Please?”

“Yeah. You guys ready? Putting on a suit, Sarah?”

“Nope,” Sarah said, watching avidly as Marlene put on her skirt. Lily had never noticed this overtly sexual side of Sarah before, not in six-and-a-half years of knowing her.

Marlene held out her arm. “Ready, Lils?”

Lily nodded. “Mmm…Miriam, are you going to bring Sarah? She can’t Apparate on her own.”

“Take the drinks,” said Miriam, handing the two bottles to Lily before turning and holding out her hands to Sarah. “Here, Sarah. Up you go.”

“Know where we’re going?” Marlene asked.

Everyone said yes. As the youngest of the five girls, Lily was the only girl unable to Apparate; she gripped Marlene’s arm and braced herself for the unpleasant _squeezing_ sensation, and then she stumbled away from Marlene, feeling slightly sick to her stomach.

They had suddenly appeared on a large, bright green lawn, illuminated by magical torches placed conveniently to shed light, but not overwhelming heat, onto the grass. A middling-sized white tent was set up directly to Lily’s left; behind the tent was an enormous pool filled with the most gorgeous blue water. Lily saw almost every fifth, sixth, and seventh year Hogwarts student under the tent and in the pool. Lily looked past the pool and gasped.

The Potter house was not a mansion—it was smaller than Marlene’s house, that is. However, it had an ethereal quality to it, as if it did not belong on earth, as if there was something the slightest bit off, the slightest bit _too_ perfect about the house before her. The French doors that led to the flagstone patio were flung open wide, allowing entrance into a large sunroom done in golden and pale yellow tones.

“Evans! You came.”

Lily looked up, slightly dazed. “Yeah. Hey, Potter. Happy birthday.”

They stood awkwardly for a second. Lily wanted badly to touch him. _Screw it_ , she thought, and she stepped forward, putting out her arms to hug him. He kept a respectable distance between them as they hugged, as if to keep her from slapping him. If only he knew…

“James!” Marlene cried, appearing from nowhere. Lily had not even realized she had gone earlier. “Happy birthday, baby!” She jumped into his arms and Lily stepped back, looking at the house again, the tent, the pool—just not at the sight of James pulling Marlene in tightly and hugging her as if she meant something to him…

“Where are your parents?”

“Party.” James grinned wolfishly. “They won’t be coming back until early morning, I believe…”

“Evansh?”

Lily turned, assuming someone was calling her. It was Sirius Black. He was leering at her, looking her up and down (Lily _liked_ that), obviously completely trashed. “Black.”

“Hi! Hug!” He yanked Lily closer and hugged her so tightly she could hardly breathe. For the briefest moment, with her breasts crushed against his chest and his hands moving over her back, Lily felt a bolt of pure _lust_ deep within her. Carefully, she stepped back, pulling out of his hold.

“You’re going to be so hungover tomorrow.”

“Can _NOT_ wait,” Black said, holding up his cup to toast her. He held it in front of her face. “Want some?”

“Sure.”

He gave her the cup, which was almost empty. “Swim. I wanna see you in less clothing.” He grinned at her and Lily’s heart skipped a beat— _he was so beautiful, so dark, so dangerous…_ and then he turned from her and walked away.

“Lileeee!” Marlene streaked past Lily, a blur of sparkles and bright colors. “Let’s get _in_!”

Lily could not help but looked at James for a moment, but then she followed Marlene. She shed her skirt and shirt (it was challenging with one hand) and sat down by the edge of the pool, dipping her legs in to the knees. She kicked gently and drank all of Sirius’s delicious concoction, which had to 99.9% alcohol with the taste it had, so absorbed in her thoughts that she did not see Marlene cut through the water like a knife, surfacing just by Lily’s feet and squirting ice cold water from a water gun onto Lily’s bare stomach.

“AIIIIEEEEE!” Lily shrieked, recoiling, almost dropping empty cup in the pool. “Marlene ROSIER! I am going to _get YOU!”_ She leaned forward over the water and tried to grab her friend, but Marlene simply laughed and swam away, gone before Lily could really do anything.

“Whoa, chill,” James said, appearing out of nowhere, a plastic party cup just like hers in his hand. “Are you okay? You screamed bloody murder just now.”

“I’m fine,” said Lily, and then she fell silent. 

“Have you eaten?” James finally said. Lily detected a hint of impatience in his voice.

“No.”

“There’s tons of food. On the table by the presents. Get some.”

Lily did not know whether this meant he was going to come with her or not. Nevertheless she rose, dripping water, and put down the empty cup on one of the nearby tables. She went to get her clothes from where she had left them.

They were gone. She glanced around at the skirts and jeans and tops strewn about. The clothes she had left there not ten minutes ago were not there.

“Damn.”

“What?”

“My _clothes_ are gone,” Lily groaned. “This sucks.”

“Here,” James said, throwing a white towel at her. Lily caught it and wrapped it around her shoulders, feeling rather awkward next to James who, for some strange reason, was fully clothed (in shorts and a blue t-shirt). “Do you need something better to wear?”

“Yeah,” replied Lily. “A towel won’t do. Honestly…five seconds and my clothes disappear!”

James laughed. “Come on. I’ll lend you a shirt. Sorry—all my Mum’s clothes will be way too big on you.” He beckoned her towards him and mounted the steps of the patio, leading her inside the house and up a set of stairs right next to the solarium. They passed several doors and then James opened the third on the left. He stepped aside to let her enter first. 

“Thanks.”

His room had cream walls, a blue carpet, and a grey coverlet. The bed was made sloppily; Lily could see wrinkles in the sheets and just knew that James had made it himself. The bed was turned down; the sheets and the pillowcases were blackest black.

_So_ hot, Lily thought. _It’s ridiculous._

There was a desk by the window and two nightstands on either side of the king-sized bed. James was placing his red cup on the nightstand and then pulling open the door to a closet and rifling through some shirts. In the meantime, Lily sat down on the edge of the bed, in case she needed to jump up and run. It was _so_ comfortable. “Ah…” Lily said. “That’s unearthly.” She lay back against his pillows and closed her eyes. “Heaven.”

“I love my bed,” James said, his voice muffled. “I love coming home and lying down on it—first thing I do when I get home from school.” He emerged from the closet, holding a gray button-down shirt. He tossed it at her. Lily made no move to pick it up and James stared at her, but not as if he wanted to get her out of his room—more like he didn’t know what was going on.

“You wanna put that on, Evans?”

She nodded. “Yeah.” She reached her hand out and snatched it from the end of the bed. She thought it would make so much sense for James, who was more or less a Transfiguration prodigy, to simply change it into something a little more appropriate for her and change it back when she left and needed it no more. She did not mention this; she rather wanted to wear his shirt.

She put her arms through the sleeves and pulled it closed, but did not button it. She paused, not wanting to get up, and nearly died when James sat down on the bed next to her. 

“Why are you so—cold?”

If she had expected him to ask her anything, this was not it. When he had sat down on the bed Lily expected something else, a proposition, a flirtatious comment, _anything_ to show her that he was attracted to her. Her one wish at that moment was that James would know just how much help she needed to show what she felt and act on those feelings. She was _not cold._ She was inexperienced, and shy, and she lacked the innate self-confidence girls like Marlene possessed. She was not like that.

“I’m not _cold_. What’s that supposed to mean?”

James’s eyes narrowed. “Look, Evans—if you don’t want to wear my goddamn shirt, and if you don’t want to be here—that’s not my problem. If that’s how this is, then you can just get the fuck out.”

“Don’t be stupid, Potter—”

“ _Don’t_ fucking call me Potter. It’s my birthday—”

“Your birthday is the 21st, thank you very much, and _you_ call me Evans, you’ve been calling me Evans since we got here—” Lily sat up more and tried not to meet his eyes.

“I call you Evans because it makes you mad—you call me Potter because you _don’t like me._ I thought we were supposed to be friends now…”

“I don’t dislike you, _James_ ,” Lily said. James shut up, but she said nothing more, just laid back against his pillows again.

“Fine,” he replied quietly. “Okay. I don’t believe you.” With a brief look at her, he sat back against his pillows too.

Immediately, Lily was aware of how little she was wearing. And it felt _so good,_ to be next to James when she wasn’t wearing actual clothes…but he had hardly looked at her body since she arrived.

“I don’t dislike you. Really. I’ll prove it.”

James turned his head to face her. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Tell me how.”

James grinned. Lily flushed.

“Oh look, you’re all pink, Evans. Everywhere.”

Lily tried not to smile. She failed miserably. “Come on, James. Here, I know. I’ll tell you a secret—and you tell me one. A nice exchange.”

“What are we,” he asked, “five?”

Lily gave him a _look._ He held up his hands. “All right, Evans. Tell me a secret.”

“You have to _ask_ me something.”

“How do I know it’s going to be a secret?” James asked blankly.

“Ask!”

“It’s something I’d obviously ask—I’ve always wanted to know, really.”

Lily sighed. “Get on with it, James.”

“So—your level of sexual experience….”

It _was_ something she expected him to ask. She did not say anything, preferring for him to elaborate himself.

“…you don’t…really date too much. Hardly ever, actually. You seem to—not like blokes at all, like you hate them. And what I really want to know,” he continued, sounding much more confident, “is whether you’ve ever done anything.”

“My parents don’t want me to date,” Lily said flatly. James gave her an incredulous look.

“You go to _boarding school._ ”

“What if—what someone mentions it? What if someone slips up when they’re in front of me? What if my someone writes me a letter, mentioning said hypothetical bloke, and my parents read it? What if they don’t let me go back to Hogwarts—”

“You’ve got to be taking the mickey, Evans.”

“I’m not! You don’t understand—I love going to school away from home. I love it so much. And I don’t want to risk my parents forbidding me to go back for someone I’m not really attracted to, someone who doesn’t make me feel much, someone I don’t _really like_. It seems like a useless risk to me…”

“But you’ve gone on some dates.” James smiled. “Not with _me_ , but you have with other people in the past…”

Lily shrugged. 

“The original question was whether you’ve done anything,” he said. 

“Anything? Define that.” Lily raised an eyebrow at him, but he looked at her coolly. 

“Fine. If you don’t want to tell me, then I don’t really care.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Okay. I’ve done—nothing, really. Some kissing. That’s all.”

“That’s _it_?”

Lily glared at him. 

“Did you not like it or something?”

“No, not really.”

“How’s that possible, Evans? How can one not like kissing?”

“It was too sloppy. It sucked balls. Every bloke I’ve ever kissed as eaten my face, pretty much.” Lily grimaced. 

“Ah.”

Lily whipped her head around to look at him. “What?”

“It’s not that you don’t like it…you’ve just never done it right.”

Lily thought just that. She moved her legs the slightest bit closer to his, hoping he would touch her.

“I suppose. Aren’t you supposed to tell me something now?”

He ignored her. “Don’t you want to know what good kissing is like?”

Lily stopped breathing.“Wh-what?” she squeaked, clearing her throat, unable to turn the slightest bit and look at him just then.

Suddenly she had to—she turned her head and her eyes locked onto his. He was completely, seriously asking her a question like that. Without saying a word, she nodded, so very honestly, so very shyly…

Why was she telling him this? Why was she being so honest? Why was it so _dim_ in this room, so sexy—why did she have to be so unsure? Why couldn’t she just take what she wanted, like Marlene, like Miriam or Sirius or Sarah…?

“Lily,” James whispered, not moving closer or touching her, but seeming to do so nevertheless. “Do you want to do something?”

It was clear what he meant. _With me,_ was the rest of that question. _Right now._ _Simply because we can._

_Because I want to_ , Lily marveled. 

Lily nodded, and James _finally_ turned his body towards her, moving toward her as though he were hunting her, as though he were about to devour her. Lily swallowed hard, blinking. “Come here,” he said, his voice so soft, so beautiful…

_Can I do this?_ Could she really? They were not dating, they probably would not—wouldn’t this make her a _slag?_

_No._

Decided, Lily shifted closer to him on the bed. She almost trembled, but she held herself in check. He could _never_ know how scared she was. Immediately, one of his hands went low on her back and he brought her nearer; a gasp escaped her— _no one had ever touched her so nicely_. He bent his head and suddenly, without any warning, he kissed her neck.

It did not feel orgasmic in the least, but Lily knew it was getting there. She threaded her fingers through his hair as his lips played over her neck and collarbone. She could not believe this. James Potter was kissing her neck. Now James Potter was lying on top of her. Now she was desperately wishing James Potter would kiss her. 

His other hand slid up to her right shoulder and he pushed the shirt off. His fingers fumbled with her strap of her halter top as he loosened it, the untied it completely. Lily’s breath hitched and he stopped what he was doing, pulling himself up so his face was right next to hers. “It’s okay. You’ll like this…”

Lily wasn’t so sure, but she wanted to feel it. His eyes still on hers, he traced his fingers along the side of her bikini top, around the back and to the front…his fingers slipped inside and Lily whimpered as his warm, calloused fingers brushed against the underside of her breast. He leaned down to kiss her, yes, please, she wanted to be kissed nicely so badly….

“What the fuck are you _doooooing_ in there, Prongs?”

James wrenched his hands away and jumped up, leaving Lily bereft. “Get up,” he hissed, turning away from her. “ _Fuck_.”

Lily swiftly tied her top again and pulled his shirt back over her shoulders.

James still would not face her. “Lily,” he said, but then he stopped. 

“ _PRONGS?”_

“Lily, I hate to do this, but can you please get under the bed?”

She stared at his back, bewildered, and then she found her voice. “Er, yeah.” She slid off the bed and found that it was quite high up off the ground; she had more then enough room to roll under the bed. 

“Sorry,” James said quietly. She saw his feet move over the nightstand and she knew he was grabbing his wand. She heard the lock click open ( _when did he lock the damn door?)_ and saw his stride over to the closet.

The door opened. “What’s going on? Got a girl up here? Marlene Rosier’s looking for Evans, you know.”

It was obviously Sirius Black. Soon, his feet were next to James’s. James moved out of the way and Sirius (or his feet) opened the closet.

_So that’s why he said get under the bed._

“I was just looking for my wand,” James said clearly.

“Oh. OOOOkay. Well, can we please go downstairs? There’s so many half-naked and/or naked girls and I kind of love it. Miriam’s got quite the number on, and so does Evans, and so does Marlene and Beth Meadowes and Sarah Mercer, and I think a six person bed will soon be needed if I have my way.”

“Somehow I don’t think it’s going to happen, Padfoot,” James’s voice said dryly.

“Okay. You can take Evans. Even if you don’t really want her anymore. Even if you don’t fancy her. She’d probably make a delightful fuck. Imagine—you and her. Two virgins and a damn hot shag. Wow, sounds great, yeah? Now can we please go downstairs, you shit?”

Lily had never felt so used in her life. But of course—now that James apparently _really, without a doubt,_ did not fancy her anymore, wasn’t hooking up with her worth even more? Didn’t it mean he would look so much more suave and irresistible to woman to ever bloke he told this story to? The knowledge that what had happened—what had almost happened—meant nothing to James was so disheartening that Lily wanted to stay under the bed for the rest of the party.

“I don’t—I’ll be right there, Padfoot.”

“Going to toss off now that I’ve put that image in your head?”

James groaned. Lily heard Sirius laugh. “Can you just imagine that ice cold girl lying naked and white on your black sheets, Prongs? _Fuck_ , that’s hot. It could happen, you know. I stole her clothes from downstairs so she’s going home in that damn hot black bikini no matter what ‘cause she’s _not_ getting them back from me. Maybe I’ll stop in the loo on the way down to calm down a bit…”

“You do that,” Lily heard James say, and then Sirius was walking out. He forgot to shut the door behind him, but apparently James did not think this was important, because he walked right over to the bed and crouched down beside it. He held out a hand to help her up and she grabbed it.

She did not thank him. She did not know what to think.

“Sorry ‘bout that.”

“Not a problem,” Lily said automatically, finally buttoning up his shirt. She crossed her arms.

“We can go downstairs,” he suggested.

“Sounds spectacular.” Lily got to her feet without his help and preceded him from the room. She led the way downstairs and outside into the warm night—the sun had gone down. Lily swallowed the lump in her throat and glared ahead of her, trying to get rid of her tears. This was not a huge deal, they had barely done anything. She did not need to cry. She was almost _seventeen_. There was no reason to act immature about this.

“Evans!” James called after her, but she kept walking—she needed to find Marlene, she needed to tell her what happened, had to ask her what to do about this. She passed Remus Lupin, who was playing a card game with a group of sixth and seventh year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws. Remus waved at her and Lily managed a half-smile back at him.

“Lily!”

Lily whirled at the sound of Marlene’s voice. She was sitting by the pool on a lawn chair, with Miriam perched on the edge. Lily raised her eyebrows, for Sarah was nowhere to be found. She hurried over to her roommates.

“Whose shirt is _that?_ ” Marlene asked, pushing her sunglasses (honestly, it was dark out, who needed sunglasses) up into her hair.

“Potter’s. Sirius Black stole my other clothes.”

Marlene did not look happy. “Oh.” She looked at the people in the pool. Lily felt a strange sort of satisfaction, as if she had just one-upped Marlene. 

“Wanna drink?” Miriam slurred, holding out her cup. Lily took it from her, not so much as to drink it, but more to keep Miriam from drinking anymore. It was the same drink Sirius had given her earlier. 

“Where’s Sarah?”

Both Marlene and Miriam shrugged. Lily did not bother to look for her.

_“_ WE’RE CUTTING THE CAKE!” Sirius bellowed from by the patio. Marlene and Miriam rose and accompanied Lily over to where the cake stood, placed on a movable, metal cart. Not surprisingly, there was a miniature Quidditch game playing out on top of the cake. Lily was in the back of the crowd, but she could just see James with a crown on his head, grinning and holding a large knife.

“Someone should get that away from Black,” a person in the crowd murmured, and several people laughed. Sirius either did not hear this, or he chose to ignore it. Then he began to speak: “I’ve known James—since I was about, um…eleven. Hogwarts, that’s where we met, and we’ve had some damn good times. Damn good, damn dangerous, and damn exciting. Now, James has always done magic outside of school and weaseled his way out of getting in trouble, Merlin only knows how, but now at least he can do it without risking expulsion and disgrace. So everybody clap a little and be really fucking nice, because it’s James Potter’s seventeenth birthday.” He stopped talking, looking at everyone around him. “Fuck it, you didn’t need to know that. Happy birthday, mate!”

And he hugged James, who was careful to keep the knife out of reach. 

“Cut the damn cake!” someone cried, and James complied.

“Here’s to the women who are lucky enough to be in your bed!” Sirius shouted, and once more, everyone laughed uproariously. 

“I want to leave,” Lily said immediately. “I have to go.”

“Oh, Lily—I want to stay,” Marlene responded. “Come on—half-an-hour more?”

“Look, you stay, I’m going to go home. I really don’t want to be here anymore.”

Marlene frowned, and Lily felt terrible for trying to compete with her for James’s attentions. She really did seem concerned now. “Are you all right? Lily?”

“I’ll take her home!” Miriam said, throwing her hand up in the air.

“ _No_!” Lily and Marlene said at once, and they both smiled at each other.

“I’ll take you home,” Marlene said. “And then I’ll come back. Sound good?””

Lily nodded. “Thank you so much. Let me just go get my clothes.” She made her way over to James, wanting all the while to just leave and forget her clothes…but she needed them—that was the only halter top she owned and the skirt was Marlene’s. “I need my clothes,” she said flatly. James’s gaze flicked to her.

“Want some cake?”

“I’m leaving. I need my clothes. From Black.”

_How_ was she even managing to look him in the eye? She was terrified. What did he want from her? What was she supposed to do? Was she supposed to be nicer to him than normal? She remembered that he could get her a job…but how was she supposed to make that happen _now_?

James looked back over his shoulder. “Oi! Padfoot! Evans needs her clothes back.”

“NO!”

Lily had no idea where Sirius was; she could not see him anywhere.

“I’ll give you unlimited use of the you-know-what for a month, Padfoot!”

“COMING RIGHT UP!” 

While they waited, Lily looked solidly at the ground.

“So Evans…” He waited for her to respond, but she said nary a word. “On Saturday. The 6th. I want—I think you should come with us when we go out for Remus’s birthday.”

“I don’t think so.”

“You can bring Marlene.”

Lily’s head went up. “I don’t want to bring Marlene, James.”

“So come by alone. Here—” He fumbled around in his pocket for a piece of paper. Lily noticed Marlene watching. He pulled out a bit of parchment and prodded it with his wand. “That’s the address you can meet us at. It’s in London, pretty close to _The Leaky Cauldron._ Got it?”

Lily refused to answer him.

“Come on. You could definitely use some fun, Evans.”

“Some fun?” Lily finally said. “Some _fun?_ ” Her voice was shrill. She saw him wince; several people looked over. “Yeah, maybe I need some fun, since I’m such a cold, bitchy, frigid virgin! Maybe,” she continue, dropping her voice lower and stepping closer—she was so very close; she could see his eyes clearly, “what I need is a _damn hot shag_ with you, yeah?”

Sirius appeared with her clothes, swaying from side to side and perpetually grinning. Lily grabbed her clothes from him and stalked away, quite aware that she was still wearing James’s shirt and not caring in the least. “Let’s go,” she snapped at Marlene, and for once, her friend simply took Lily’s arm and did as she was told.

**……**

**Please leave a review, my loves. I miss them, haha…and thank you to everyone who took the time to let me know how you feel about this new story.**

**Some complications with this chapter: JKR has given Remus’s birthday to be March 10. Sorry about that, we’ll just have to deal with his birthday being August 6 in this story.**


	4. Chapter Three: Red

**Chapter Three: Red**

**{ _The Taste of Ink,_ by The Used}**

\-- _anger, passion, war, lust_ —

**……**

_August of 1977_

Sirius was not happy when he found out James had invited Lily along for Remus’s birthday. “Why’d you do that?” he asked, shaking his head. “And why the _hell_ did you give her back her clothes?”

James shrugged, deciding not to remind Sirius he had promised him unlimited use of James’s invisibility cloak for a month in exchange for her clothes—not that he wanted to see Evans— _Lily,_ in clothes. He really rather liked her in his shirt, or even better, without his shirt, and even better than _that—_ with her bikini falling off and his hands all over her body…

James groaned and hid his face in the nearest pillow, trying his best not to get hard. It was quite the challenge, considering that he would never, ever forget the way she had nodded when he asked her if she wanted to do something— _with him_ …it had been _so hot._ He hadn’t been able to face her after Sirius had appeared because of the simple fact that he had to calm down and somehow get rid of the obvious bulge in his trousers before Sirius walked in.

And of course she regretted it. He should have thought about that before he asked her—because of course her answer would be yes, or he would have died right there—and he should have stopped. How? How could he have stopped when she was sitting right there basically telling him her greatest insecurity? _She may not know it’s her greatest insecurity,_ James thought, and then he sighed. She regretted letting him touch her, and she had heard what Sirius had said about James not liking her, and quite suddenly James was utterly screwed again.

“Yes, you can groan all you want, but you’re going to hear this lecture, Prongs! You can’t just invite girls on our guys’ night out!”

“You invited Miriam,” Peter put in, turning away from the grimy mirror.

“Fuck you,” Sirius said immediately, sending Peter a death glare. “I was plastered.”

“Yeah, but you invited her,” said Remus. “And I don’t care, Sirius—especially since Evans isn’t going to come. She didn’t look all that happy with you, Prongs. You know she’s not worth it, right?”

James grimaced. “Shut up, shut up, shut up—life sucks, mates. Absolutely, completely, and totally. You invited _Miriam?_ ” he asked, suddenly realizing what Peter had said. “I thought you two couldn’t even look at each other.”

“Well normally we can’t, but again, Prongs—completely and totally trashed?” Sirius raised his hand. “Er, yeah…me!”

“Will you please tell us what happened there?” Peter muttered. “I hate not knowing.”

James looked at his nails. Only he knew what had happened with Miriam, and only because he had been the one to tell Sirius about her cheating. He doubted Sirius would have otherwise shared the reason for their break-up with James. _Although, maybe that’s not really cheating, per se,_ James thought. _Maybe it doesn’t count as cheating if Sirius could get off on watching the alleged cheating occurring._

“Shut up,” Sirius growled. “Did she say yes?”

“No,” said Remus curtly, killing the hidden note of hope in Sirius’s voice. “She didn’t even answer, actually—she just walked away. She wasn’t pissed yet.”

“So what if Evans shows up?” asked James, all of a sudden quite unsure of what to do. He supposed they had hooked up, yeah? The phrase could be applied here. “Now what?”

“Well, I wouldn’t ignore her, if I were you. She’d feel awkward. And I would be straight with her.” Sirius collapsed in the nearest couch. “We should go soon—but Prongs, you really do need to tell her the truth. She might take it hard when you say you don’t want a relationship this year, but you’ll have to deal with it.”

“I don’t want a relationship?”

Sirius shrugged. “I thought this was year for the boys—which means no serious girlfriends.”

“Random sex isn’t exactly easy to come by at Hogwarts,” James said, glancing at Remus, who nodded. “I don’t see very many complete sluts running about, you know? I mean everything besides sex and head is pretty damn easy, but those two are bit more exclusive…”

Peter laughed uproariously at this.

James gritted his teeth and continued. “Girls love having me get them off, as long as they don’t have to get me off and they’re still virgins after. But aside for that—”

“You just have to know who to hit on—who’s not going to expect a commitment. You’re all just pansies, is all.” Sirius glanced at his watch.

“Sirius, shut it. _Especially_ after Miriam. You haven’t had a shag _or_ dated since!”

The buzzer buzzed.

All four boys looked at each other before they made a mad dash for the door at once. James elbowed Peter out of the way, kicked Sirius in the shin, and pressed down on the intercom button. “Yes?”

There was a crackle of static and breathing on the other side, and then a timid voice said, “It’s Lily. Evans.”

“Come right up, Evans,” James said right away, cheerfully, and he pushed the button to let her through. He turned to find his friends staring at him in shock. James himself was shocked.

“I bow down,” said Remus, “before the ultimate master. How did you manage to get her to come?”

“No idea whatsoever. And you, you behave, Padfoot.” 

Sirius gave James a look that asked whether he ever misbehaved. James gave him a look that said _don’t_ _be a jackass._

When James heard Lily’s quiet knock on the door he had to wait, had to collect himself. Then he turned and pulled open the door to find Lily standing on the other side, alone. _Why didn’t she bring Marlene?_ he thought.

“Come in,” Remus said, because James was a little surprised by her outfit. Lily stepped in and shut the door before James could. She was wearing a long, loose, black skirt with a V cut out of the front so her legs showed, and her top was also black, but sleeveless. She looked devastatingly beautiful—James had to swallow hard. There was a quality Lily Evans had that always made him pause and look just a little longer, be it the sadness in her eyes or the way she always looked gorgeous, even though James knew far more beautiful girls.

“Nice shoes,” he heard himself saying, and Lily looked down. Her heels were inhumanely high. 

“Thanks. This outfit is 100% borrowed.”

“Dressy, no?”

Remus hit Sirius in the chest to shut him up.

“I don’t think so,” said Lily firmly, before James could scold him. “I was told we were going dancing.”

“We are,” said Peter, ever the peacekeeper. He sent Lily a smile and James saw her visibly relax. 

“Oh—happy birthday…Remus.” Lily smiled at Remus and James frowned. He liked her smile and he enjoyed seeing her smile, but _damn it_ , couldn’t she smile at him?

“Thanks, Miss Lily Evans. Ready to go? Did you ask anyone else along?”

“Oh, no,” Lily said, suddenly looking worried. “Was I supposed to? Am I the only girl coming along?”

“Let’s go,” said James, hoping to convince her to stay by forcing her along with them.

“Wait—”

“We’re going to a club, there’ll be other girls there—”

Lily stopped dead in the dingy hallway. “A club? Do I—”

Remus laughed. “It’ll be fun—ladies enter free before eleven, you’ll get plenty of blokes to buy you drinks, Evans—this is bonding experience for you and James, you know—working together and tolerating each other…”

James had stopped listening as soon as Remus mentioned blokes buying her drinks. Sirius led the way outside when they reached the ever-dilapidated stairwell. James followed right after Sirius and the others came behind him.

_I’ll be buying her all her drinks, thanks,_ James thought.

The air outside was hot and smoggy and dirty, but James breathed it in anyway. It was a long walk to the club, but since it was only nine they had decided to spend twenty minutes or so walking to the entrance. Lily was ambling along at her own pace, so James slowed down the slightest bit so he could fall into step with her.

“So why’d you come?” he said softly into her ear. He expected her to shiver but she did not—she coolly turned her head and looked at him.

“I haven’t the slightest idea. Curiosity, I suppose.”

He laughed and stepped away from her so he wasn’t so close. “All right. That’s fine, then.” She shrugged and began to swing her tiny purse on its long chain, tipping her head back and looking up at the sky, her neck elongating in a way that screamed for a touch from James—and James only.

“What’s with that purse?” he blurted, quite at a loss for what else to say.

She glanced at him. “Hmmm?”

“Does anything actually fit in it?” It was about as big as her hand; how much could it possibly hold?

“No,” she said nonchalantly, and then swung it on its chain so it whacked James in the arm. “But it’s useful for little gits like you.”

James made a face at her. “I’m not _little,_ you twit.” They passed by several leering, drunk men, one of whom whistled at Lily. She ignored them completely. James used their presence as an excuse to slip his arm around her waist and pull her in closer; to his utter delight she did not pull away, even when his hand landed on the bare skin of her back. James stopped walking. “Hold up a moment.”

She looked at him innocently. He turned her around and glanced at the smooth expanse of her pale back, completely uncovered by any clothing. “That’s indecent!” he exclaimed, glancing back at the men behind them, who were staring avidly.

Lily cocked her head at him and began walking again. James’s hand settled down lower into the small of her back and he pressed down just above where the fabric of her blouse began, just where his hand had been the week before, when they were on his bed, and she wasn’t wearing very much…quickly, he slid his fingers to the side and into her shirt, drawing them up her side and slipping them out again just before he touched her breasts— _no bra_. “I _like_ this shirt,” he whispered in her ear, turned on by his own audacity. He felt the heat of her blush and she pulled away. 

“Hands, James.”

He laughed it off, but it sounded a little sour to him. Why _couldn’t_ he touch her? It wasn’t as if they were ever at each other’s throats anymore—she didn’t hate him and he didn’t fawn over her—what was _wrong_ with letting him touch her? He glanced at her outfit again—reasonable neckline, scandalous back, sexy skirt, killer heels—she could not possibly be making an effort to be modest and chaste. 

“We would make such a hot couple,” he whispered in her ear again, noticing that this time, she did shiver. He squeezed her shoulder and left her so he could walk with Sirius. He didn’t know what he would do if he walked next to her a moment longer. 

“Bet her feet absolutely kill,” he said to Sirius when they were right near the club. Sirius shook his head and said nothing, so James fell silent for the rest of their walk.

**……**

“I would like…to tell you…that this was a _bloody_ good idea,” Lily shouted at Remus and James, fanning herself with her hand. “It’s _hot_ in here. Really _hot._ Don’t you think so?”

Remus shook his head, smiling. James nodded. “Oh boy,” he said to Remus. “Oh boy oh boy.”

“Drunkards,” Remus said, and James punched him in the arm. “Shaddap! I’m not drunk. I’m hardly tipsy! Evans over there is going to be wasted in two more drinks though.” James glanced over at Lily, who was listening, but humming to herself at the same time. “She’s only had two and she’s half-gone!”

“I don’t get out much,” Lily said conversationally, crossing her legs. James almost came. That _blasted slit_ up the front of skirt gave him an excellent view of a mouth-watering expanse of thigh and just hint of red lace. She and Remus had pulled barstools over to James’s chair and were sitting across from him, and he could see _slightly_ up Lily’s skirt, which was worse than being able to see all the way up, since it was such a tease _._ He had to look away. 

“I’ll say. When’s the last time you drank?” James asked, trying to distract himself. The lights in the club were shifting colors ever two seconds and he could look in three different directions and see three different illegal activities. None of this managed to bring his attention away from the legs in front of him.

“Your _birthday_!” Lily cried, her voice reaching such an unnaturally high pitch that both James and Remus winced. “I don’t _normally_ drink, but that’s quite the lie, since Marlene and the girls and I drink quite a bit in school, but I get so plastered with so little that I never have a chance to drink a _lot!_ ”

She was using so much emphasis! James shut out the thought of what those girls got up to when they were drunk (because he knew, from firsthand experience, what those drunken girls did together….) and shook his head, just as Remus had before. “You’ve got to build up a tolerance.”

Lily was not listening. She was staring out to the left, at the dance floor where masses of people were dancing and writhing and grinding together in the flickering, multi-colored lights. “That’s _so hot,_ ” she said loudly, but her voice was low in its pitch and so damn sexy that James searched the crowd desperately, finding what she was looking at and seeing if _that_ would distract him.

The sight before him did nothing of the sort. It was not unsurprising. Ever-charming and confident Sirius was front-to-back with a girl, one of her legs in between his, his hands running up and down her sides and over her hips, they bodies grinding with the rhythm. It made James uncomfortable watching, but neither Lily nor Remus had the same problem.

“Peter’s trashed,” Remus said matter-of-factly. “Little prat. Lemme go get him so we can lay him down and I can actually enjoy my night.” He slid off his stool and James grinned at him, glad that his friend was taking James’s silent, unmentioned hint to please leave him alone with Lily. James rose and took Remus’s vacated seat, turning to Lily and raising his eyebrows. 

“Hey.”

“Hi!” She smiled at him, grinned, really, and uncrossed her legs, then crossed them the other way. James wondered if she knew what that was doing to him and decided against it. She was simply less inhibited with a few drinks inside her. “You’re attractive, you know.”

James grinned back at her. “Yeah? I should get you drunk more often, you’re much nicer and exciting. And flirtatious.”

“I’m always nice and exciting and stupidly flirtatious, unless I’m uncomfortable! Don’t be mean, please, it’s supposed to be a good summer. I’m sick of feeling badly—I’d love to feel good, please, James?”

James, quite suddenly, did not know what they were talking about. Deciding to risk it, whatever _it_ may have been, he put his hand out and ran it up her almost completely naked thigh. Lily’s eyes closed for the briefest of moments and then she opened them again. “That’s good.” Her eyes were heavy-lidded and she looked—just like a _cat_ , feline and graceful and confidently sexy. She opened them wide then, leaning forward so he got a magnificent look down her shirt. Her bra was red lace—he would never understand how a girl could be wearing a bra and not have a strap in the back. It blew his mind—and then he always remembered the girl was a _witch_ , and that there had to be magical bras without straps on the shoulders or back. James almost died, _oh shit, oh shit, keep it in your pants_ —she had to be wearing matching knickers.

“And you know what? You, Potter, _never told me a secret!_ ”

“Wha…?”

“We were going to share secrets, James! You asked me about sexual things, and I told you I didn’t like kissing, so then you started touching me and rubbing me and you had your tongue on my neck but we didn’t get to kiss, no, because Mr. Black over there interrupted us…and you _never_ told me a secret!”

“You never asked.” James bit his lip, unable to believe she was saying these things aloud to him, dressed like that, at night….

“I _did so!_ ” Lily gasped. James glanced up and met Remus’s eyes across the room without even having to look for him. His glance said _stay away a bit longer, I might get something from this girl right here._

“Did not. Go on, then, ask away.”

“Same _question._ Sex? Head? What’s your level, Mister Potter?”

Those words from her lovely _mouth_. James needed a visit to the loo right now or he was going to make an indescribable mess. 

Little tease—she knew exactly what she was doing, drunk or not. She had that gleam in her eyes—she was trying to torture him. _Well,_ James thought, _two can play at that game…_ He leaned forward and his hand went up her leg a little—anymore and he would have his hand up her skirt and he would be able to touch that lacy scrap of fabric covering…

_“I’ve done enough,_ ” he whispered.

“ _Enough?_ ”

James nodded, dipping his head down. He wanted to whisper in her ear and make her _want him._

“I’ve kissed some girls, yeah, and _I_ liked it…”

“Ever seen a girl starkers?” Lily was breathless, but he couldn’t tell whether it was from his fingers tracing his name on inner thigh or from the alcohol and the heat and many people around them.

“Yeah. Fucking fantastic.”

“But you’ve never…”

“No.” James nudged his fingers under her skirt, barely believing this was happening. “Everything except for the delightful act…almost everything, I mean…”

“Not the player we girls think you are, James?” Lily giggled and, to his utmost shock and pleasure, slid her hand into his hair and brushed it back from his face. “It’s a running joke in out dormitory whenever anyone mentions you to say you’re off with a girl going down on you…”

“No.” James would be purring if he were a cat, the way she was running her hand through his hair. “Unfortunately, no, and I’m quite sad about that. The only girls who…”

He stopped, not sure if he should continue. He had no idea why he was telling her this, but that was lie, just like Lily’s lie about not drinking, because he knew exactly why he was telling her. Pure, virginal, sexy, passionate Lily Evans…if she knew he were a virgin, if she knew exactly what he had done and what he had not, wouldn’t she be so much more willing to… _SHUT UP. YOU’RE GOING TO COME IF YOU KEEP GOING ON LIKE THAT._

“Yeah?”

James stopped moving his fingers and _thank Merlin,_ she look a little disappointed. “The only girls who ever let me make them come were few and far between, because well over half the girls I’ve known are too shy or embarrassed about anything having to do with sex, and none of them ever let me go down on them—”

Lily’s hand stiffened in his hair and her breath hitched, but he continued on, regardless. He was quite sure she couldn’t understand what he was saying, could only hear the words and react, but he had to go on, he had to tell her everything…

“But I got mine, yeah. Sometimes. Willing hands and all…” Had he just said? What a prattish thing to say. She didn’t notice.

“Lucky,” Lily accused, and James did not imagine what happened next, because Remus mentioned it to him the next day: Lily scooted forward and his hands went completely up her skirt—he had the sensation of his fingers brushing over lacy fabric, and then Lily jerked back, a strangled sound in her throat. She jumped off the stool and looked up at him, her face five different colors in the shifting lights. She looked unsure of what to say and she was swaying on her feet. She looked lovely. She looked romantically drunk. She looked…she just _looked like everything he wanted._

“Do you wanna dance?” he said, and Lily did not hesitate to say yes. He hopped off his own stool and took her hand, not daring, for all his bravery before, to lace his fingers with hers intimately. He led her out among the people and instead of pulling her back to him as they had seen with Sirius, he gently guided her forward until her breath was just above his collarbone and his head, if he wanted, could rest right on top of hers. One of her legs was in between his, her hand around his neck, the fingers of that hand playing with his hair, her other hand on his shoulder…he put both of his hands on her bare back and slowly, _hotly,_ began to run them up and down her skin. He felt like he had her on a bed, the way their hips were moving together to the the rhythm, the pulsing, shocking beat—James didn’t know how much more of this delicious game he could take.

_“James.”_

He looked down at her, only a couple inches or so, and his eyes slid over hers, which were languid and drunk and wanting. “Evans,” he said back, but he said it gently, like an endearment, and in the nanosecond between his speaking and her blink, he felt like crying.

“James, you’re hard.”

James gasped when she said it. As if he hadn’t noticed. He nodded, but refused to move his hips away from hers, and it was absolutely not his imagination that she pressed closer.

“The other night…in your room…”

He couldn’t even _speak._

“That felt so good, and it wasn’t even anything, really…”

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes…but James had to get himself under control. He couldn’t walk away from this floor like _this,_ walking as though he were in pain—which he was. The song was ending and James and Lily broke apart—the next one was Samba or Salsa or something like that and neither James nor Lily knew what they were doing, so they weaved back through the crowd (James leading Lily, since she would have otherwise walked into a wall) and returned to their previous table. Sirius was back, alone, and Remus had a girl with him; five shots were arranged in a circle on the table. James helped Lily onto the stool next to Sirius and stood next to her, for there wasn’t another seat. Remus’s girl had taken the extra. “Drink up, Prongs,” Sirius said, flushed and happy. “Turns out the bartender dated my cousin at school and she was _very_ nice to him. We finally got some of this stuff!”

“No _way_ ,” James said, leaning forward. The shots were deep, translucent red, a potent magical drink that no bartender would ever serve them (they all knew they were underage, they just didn’t care about less alcoholic and magical drinks), until now. James had totally forgotten the name. 

“Do you want some?” he asked Lily, and Sirius jerked his head up. 

“That’s yours, mate—he would only give me so many! I didn’t think you were the drinking type Evans, or I would have gotten you Peter’s—he plastered, you see. Sorry, Evans, but you understand, right? That’s just for Pr—James.”

James was humiliated for her. Lily, drunk as she was, seemed to notice she was being insulted. She pushed herself off the stool slowly, so slowly, and James reached out and put his hands on her hips so she wouldn’t flash everyone, even though he would have loved it.

“I’ll be right back,” she said quietly, and then she walked unsteadily off, shaking James’s hands away. James took one step after her but the girl next to Remus stood. 

“No,” she said, “let me go get her. She’s not okay, you know? I don’t think anyone with a penis can really help her right now.”

James agreed and he watched her go after Lily. “Did she go to Hogwarts?”

“Two years above us,” Remus said, and then he fell silent. No one spoke for a moment, and then James felt his fury grow and grow…he turned deliberately to Sirius, picked up the shot he had refused to give Lily, and put it down in the center of the table.

“Don’t you ever, ever do _anything_ like that again, you _shit,_ ” he said to Sirius, who glared back at him. 

“Look, Prongs—”

“Shut it, Sirius, I don’t want to hear it.”

The sound of his name quieted Sirius, who stared down into his drink.

“Prongs,” Remus said, shifting his now empty shot glass back and forth. “Maybe…”

“No, Moony!” He turned back to Sirius. “You did that on purpose, Sirius! You know Wormtail’s drunk too much already, why couldn’t you have gotten his for Evans? What possibly possessed you to be _such_ a prick to that girl? She’s _never_ done _anything_ to you, but you treat her like the scourge of the earth!”

Sirius said nothing, his jaw clench tight. James exhaled and put his hand to his forehead. “Fuck. What a mess.”

Sirius clenched his fist around his shot glass. James couldn’t have cared less whether Sirius was angry for no important reason; he turned away from his friends and went to make sure Lily hadn’t been kidnapped or raped or whatnot. He found Remus’s friend standing outside the door of the loo, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed.

“Hey,” he said quietly, looking around for Lily.

“She’s in there,” the girl said, “she kicked me right out.”

“Is she sick?” James asked, alarmed. The last thing he wanted was for Lily to get sick and hate drinking and never drink again—he quite liked her drunk side.

“Crying, actually. It’s rather sad, actually—you’re James, right?”

James nodded. “Yeah. And you’re…”

“Eva. Nice to meet you.” She jerked her thumb toward the bathroom. “Is that your girlfriend?”

James laughed. “No…no.” He paused. “So—you and Remus?”

Eva shrugged. “I don’t think so. Maybe. Nothing serious.”

James glanced at the door again. “Maybe I should go in.”

Eva snorted. “I wouldn’t if I were you. I’d just leave her to herself. She’ll come out eventually—I’ll wait for her if you want.”

James shook his head in wonder. “Girls can be such bitches to each other and so nice to each other the next second. It’s ridiculous.”

“No one likes to come down from a drunk high all alone, James. You should go back to your friends now.”

James paused—he felt as if something momentous was occurring just then. The feeling passed, and James turned back and returned to his friends.

**……**

James was sleeping at his desk on Monday, his head down on his crossed arms and, though he did not know it, his fingers resting in the small puddle of remaining extra-permanent ink that had been in his previously upright inkwell. He was startled out of his delightful nap by a sharp report right by his left ear: someone had rapped on the desk.

He jerked his head up. “Whatthehell!”

He met his father’s steely grey eyes and swallowed hard, immediately getting to his feet. “Sorry, sir.” His eyes slid over to the boy standing next to his father and he frowned; the boy’s name was just on the tip of his tongue. He wasn’t a boy, really, but not a man, either—he had to be only a year older than James. Suddenly James remembered that he had sat in on this bloke’s interview—and that he had voted yes for his admission to the company. 

“Hello…”

“Daniel. Daniel Carrow.” The other boy stuck out his hand and James made to shake it, but Carrow pulled his had away, glancing at James’s fingers.

“Oh—sorry, just a bit tired. My inkwell must have fallen over.” 

“Daniel here is just starting today. He would have started at beginning of the summer but he was up north caring for his ill grandfather. I expect you’ll behave, James?”

James frowned. “Of course.” His father had never told to behave in front of another person—it was a very embarrassing thing to say to one’s son. _Daniel?_ James thought. _Since when does he ever call employees by their first names?_

Chandler Potter clapped Carrow on the shoulder. “Well—James can take you around from here. That’s the extent of his job for now—trying to groom him for the later years, you see.” Chandler laughed loudly and several people looked over, but James said nothing, for he was gritting his teeth hard.

“I know how it is,” Carrow said, laughing along with the others, and James fought the urge to punch him in the face.

“I’ll see you in my office at three, Daniel. Make that grandfather of yours proud, eh?”

Carrow nodded, smiling, and turned to James once Chandler walked away. “So, Potter.”

_Ah, yes_ , James thought. He now knew exactly where he knew Carrow from. Carrow had been the seventh-year Ravenclaw prefect last year at school—one year ahead of James. He could perfectly remember that condescending tone of voice, that _“So, Potter…_ ” Carrow had not been a bad bloke, but he was not overly fond of James, and nor was James very fond of him (Carrow and Lily had talked once or twice about Prefect meetings in front of James, and it had set his blood boiling). Nonetheless, Carrow seemed a good person.

“How’ve you been, Carrow?”

“Just fine—and you? I heard you’re Head Boy.” He looked James up and down and raised an eyebrow.

_Oh, fuck him_ , James thought, his opinion of Carrow as a good person suddenly flying out the window. “Yeah. I am. So, let me show you around. Were you here over the Christmas Holidays last school year?” He came out from behind his desk and stood before Carrow, who had much more muscle and two inches on James.

Carrow nodded.

“So you’ll know the basics.” James pointed to the right of the twenty foot by twenty foot room, near the bank of windows that looked out over Butler Street. Several cubicles were arranged before these windows. “That’s where you’ll work when you’ve been here a year or so.” He pointed to the left, where an array of desks was arranged. “Two years. And right in front of us is where you’ll start now—go over to Marcia, the one with very blonde hair over there, and she’ll tell you what to do.” 

“Who’s this?”

Both James and Carrow looked to the left, at Becky Denby, whose face lit up when she caught sight of James’s companion. “Daniel!” she squealed, throwing herself in his arms. “Are you back now? I heard about your grandfather. Is he well?”

Carrow laughed, hugging her back. “He’s fine. I’ve missed you.”

“We’ll have to go out sometime for drinks and catch up. I—”

“I’ve really got to go,” Carrow said, cutting her off. “Can I talk to you later?”

Becky nodded enthusiastically and watched as he walked off toward Marcia Coleman’s desk. “What a great bum,” she sighed, and James grimaced. 

“Great, thanks. I’m sure that’s in his resume.”

“It should be! James, we have quite the dearth of dishy blokes around here. Blond hair, blue eyes, fantastic body—he was Quidditch Captain, you know. Maybe I’ll shag him.”

James snorted. “Okay, Bex. I’m sure you will.”

She pinched his cheek and he shoved her had away. “My little baby. Sorry you aren’t getting any, being cooped up here every other week. Maybe this year you’ll get someone to sleep with you.”

“Oh, haha. You’re hilarious. Go back to work.”

“You’re only mad because you’re suddenly not daddy’s favorite—or _my_ favorite, for that matter.”

“I’m a disappointment, I’ll never be my father’s favorite again,” retorted James. “And I never wanted to be your favorite. But I’m sure Daniel will do just fine for you.” 

Becky punched him lightly in the arm. “You’re great, James, you know? Any girl’d be lucky to get you.”

“Sentimental, are we?” James asked, crossing his arms as he watched Carrow flirt effortlessly with Marcia, who normally reserved her affections for James.

Becky put her arm around James’s shoulder. “Come on, back to work. Forget him—I’ll take _perfect_ care of him.”

James shrugged her arm off. “Yeah. See you later, okay? I think I’m going to leave.”

“James—”

“Not because of Carrow, Bex. I’ve already cleared it with my dad this morning. I’m helping Mum plan for a dinner party tomorrow. The company’s investors are coming.”

Bex wrinkled her nose. “Do you have to eat with them?”

James laughed. “Absolutely not, but I have to be there for the beginning of the shebang. Once in a while my dad takes pity on me and lets me sit out of the meal.”

“He just wants you to know what you’re doing when you take his place, James.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. So I’ll see you later, right?”

“Yeah.” Becky smiled at him before she went back to her desk. James glanced at Carrow, who was watching James. James gave him a cold glare and then picked up his wand. He didn’t look at Carrow again as he walked out the door, and he didn’t think of him either. He Disapparated from the lobby and he appeared right before his front door (the wards recognized him as one allowed to Apparate directly within).

“Mum! I’m home!”

“I’m in the parlor!” Annabelle called back, her voice drifting into the foyer. James entered the sunny parlor and shook his head at his mother, who was surrounded by brochures and menu choices and meal samples. He picked his way through the mess and sat down in an uncomfortable armchair near her. 

“Is this a big deal, or something?”

“Every single investor’s attending, so yes. Here, is this a good dessert?” She popped a white circular sample into his mouth and James sighed as a heavenly taste erupted within his mouth. 

“What is that?”

“No idea. So that, then?”

“Absolutely. And save me some.”

“We’ll see, James. Have you found a date, yet?”

James’s mind flashed to Lily, but then he shook his head. “No. Can’t I just bring Sirius?”

His mother raised her eyebrows at him. “As a date?” 

James rolled his eyes. “I can’t find a date, Mum.” Again, he thought of Lily, and he immediately dismissed the idea. Firstly, she would not want to meet his parents and bunch of company investors, and secondly, it would just be awkward. She didn’t seem to want anything more to do with him, not after the disastrous end to Remus’s birthday night.

_“Why don’t you just get the fuck out of here and stop insulting me?”_ Sirius had bellowed. 

“ _Fine!”_ Lily had shrieked, then completely sobered by Eva’s charm. _“I will! I never should have come in the first place!”_

James and Sirius were not speaking after that scene in Sirius’s apartment. Lily had mentioned Sirius’s insult to her, and Sirius, ever incapable of admitting that he was wrong, had blown up at her. James had never gone so long without speaking to Sirius—even after Sirius’s demonstration of extreme stupidity last year, during the February full moon. At least they had been on speaking terms for several days before the inevitable explosion once Remus woke up…

“Well, fine. Try to find a date, then. Now, we need a selection of music. Can you find something appropriate, please?”

James nodded. “Yeah.” He would ask Becky to come. That would be perfect. A friend. No strings. Nothing fishy. Just Becky.

**……**

Sirius showed up at James’s house two hours before his parents’ party was to begin. James was disgusted to see Sirius immaculately dressed, as if he were attending said party, when James was quite sure he was attending with Becky, _not_ with Sirius.

“What do you want?” he asked rudely when Sirius appeared in his bedroom doorway (obviously he had charmed—not magically—James’s Mum into letting him come in). 

“Take that stick out of your arse, Prongs,” Sirius said cheerfully, stepping into James’s room and striding over to the large side windows. He threw them open and walked out onto the small terrace, inhaling the fresh air deeply.

“Sirius—I’m not kidding around. We’ve got a problem.”

Sirius whirled around to face James. “Yeah. That bitch is our problem.”

James sighed. “Padfoot…”

“I don’t like her!”

“Not everyone likes everyone!”

Sirius snorted. “Great advice coming from _you,_ Prongs.”

James rolled his eyes and couldn’t help but smile a bit. “Yeah. I suppose.”

“She’s nothing special, James. There are other girls.”

“You’ve _always_ hated my girls,” James said. “My _few_ girls.” 

“Why her, James? Give me _one_ reason!”

James paused, then got up and walked over to where Sirius was standing. His breath always caught when he looked out from the house over at the garden below and the downward sloping hill that led to a wide, green pasture surrounded by tall trees that was perfect for unobtrusive flying. The sun shone over the entire vista before the two boys, illuminating the verdant and colorful scene.

“You know when we were dancing?”

Sirius nodded.

James sighed. “I got…I got a boner.”

Sirius burst out laughing. “You got hard dancing with _Evans?_ She must have chopped it off!”

James shook his head vehemently. “No—that’s just it. That’s the reason she’s so appealing…she didn’t mind. She actually…well, I thought she rather _liked_ it. She wasn’t embarrassed and she didn’t blush and she _mentioned_ it. Most girls ignore it, right? Or they act offended, as if grinding your pelvises together isn’t supposed to create a reaction!”

“Even so, Prongs. She’s—she’s uptight, and a bitch, and she rejected you all those times. She needs too much attention…she’ll be clingy! I hate clingy!”

James scoffed. “Clingy? Lily? She’s so sure of herself most of the time. She seems like she doesn’t even need me to speak to her for her to amuse herself, and then other times she looks like she can barely stand to be alone. It drives me mad, but it’s so exciting, Padfoot—”

“Are you going to meet her again?”

Sirius’s voice was clipped and loud. Hearing it, James had to wince. “Yes. On…on Monday. She sent me a note this morning.”

Sirius shook his head. “You _suck._ ”

James rubbed his hand over his face. “Padfoot—”

“No whatever. When does this shindig tonight start?”

“You’re not coming!” James cried, look at Sirius in surprise.

“Of course I am! Your Mum told me you couldn’t get a date.”

“I got a date,” James said indignantly. “Becky’s coming.”

Again, Sirius began to laugh. “Prongs, can you please get yourself laid tonight?”

“Shut it, you git. She didn’t sound very happy that I asked her at the last moment.”

“Of course not. It means you only asked her to come because you’re desperate.”

James groaned and went back into his room, dropping down onto his bed. “I’m so fucked.”

“You should hope so.”

James threw a pillow at him.

Sirius kicked James bed and the mattress shook. James threw him a dirty look and Sirius held out a hand to help him up. “Let’s play some Snap, Prongs.”

James sat up with a sigh. They whiled away an hour or so playing cars, playing so expertly that neither singed their eyebrows. At three of six James threw his cards aside and jumped up. “Shite! I’ve got to go get Bex!”

“Bex, is it?” Sirius waggled his eyebrows. James didn’t bother to respond; he was too busy throwing on his freshly-pressed robes and ruffling his hair so it stood up just right in the back. He surreptitiously glanced over at Sirius, who was staring into space. Without saying a word to his friend, James grabbed his wand and Disapparated.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” he said immediately, and then he paused. “But you really should put wards up to keep people out of your flat and in the hallway, you twit.”

Becky, sitting on her couch, glanced up at him with amused blue eyes. “You’re not late, you’re exactly on time.”

James raised his eyebrows. “And the _wards_?”

Becky rolled her eyes. “Worrywart. Can we go, please? You said we were going to help your mum.”

James rolled _his_ eyes. “I know. Come on, up you get. You look spectacular.”

Becky smiled and flicked her hair back from a face, shaking out the long mane of curls. Without warning, James thought that Lily Evans would have given him a quiet ‘thank you’ and not blushed, per se, but smiled in such way that...

_STOP._

James did stop. He smiled at Becky again and she picked up her wand from the side. “Do you know where my house is?”

Becky shook her head, and James explained to her how to reach his house. He let her go first, and then glanced around her colorful flat before Disapparating to attend his parents’ party.

**……**

For the remainder of his life after that night, James could not look Becky Denby in the eye. It was not the actual event that caused him embarrassment, but rather her reaction after it, her utter disgust and resignation. It could, perhaps, have been her flippant attitude afterward. For whatever reason, it was enough to finally, for the first time in his life, make James very uncomfortable after a sexual encounter.

_“I hate doing that,”_ she had said, while James was still sated and spaced out.

_“Hmm?”_ he had asked, reaching down to put his hand in her hair. He should not have asked.

_“I hate doing that,”_ Becky said louder, shaking off his hand and standing up. She pulled her hair back in a ponytail. _“Do you need anything? No? Still coming? Okay. Good to know.”_ She had shaken her head, smiling. 

_“You hate it?”_ James had been shocked. Then again, he had enjoyed it immensely.

_“It’s disgusting, James. Most girls hate giving head, you know.”_ Becky had sighed. _“We just do because it’s easier to deal with after than sex. Sorry to disappoint.”_

_“It’s not disappointing,”_ James had said automatically, quite lying and feeling rather foolish.

James cringed just thinking about it. She hadn’t felt the least bit awkward, but he felt gangly and inexperienced and immature. For once, James didn’t have the upper hand with a girl, and for once, James wasn’t looking forward to sex—not if the girl didn’t want it. _Stupid Becky,_ James thought, _destroying my damn ideals._

James sighed and glanced at his watch. He was waiting for Lily in the _Leaky Cauldron_ , and she was half-an-hour late. James rather thought she couldn’t stand to see him. James didn’t really want to see her, not after Becky. James put his head in his hands and groaned. As much as he was angry with Becky for doing something she obviously didn’t want to and then _telling_ him so, the image of her dark head moving up and down between his legs, dark blue nails on the sheets in plain sight, was never _ever_ going to leave him, not unless he had something better, _like red hair,_ to replace the idea….

 

“Fuck,” James whispered, and he sat up, blinking and looking around. The pub was full of people, but not as many as the day James and his friends had first seen Lily and Marlene and Evan Rosier in Diagon Alley. It was dark and crowded and James was two feet away from two hags discussing the best way to breastfeed infants—James didn’t have any problem with discomfort in his trousers after listening to that for five seconds.

Forty minutes late.

James wanted to leave by that point, but he didn’t want Lily to show up and have nowhere to go. Just after he thought this he jumped up. _Screw Lily_ , he thought. _She doesn’t fancy me anyways—I shouldn’t have agreed to this damn meeting in the first place._

She had promised to come. It was written in the note in James's pocket—telling James she really needed to see him and they had to get past her stupid spat with Black if they wanted to work together. She _promised._

_Well, I suppose she’s got more important things to do._

And with that, James left.

**……**

**Please review….reviews make the world go round…! Look for an interlude in the next five days or so that includes Mrs. Evans, Becky Denby (you’ll see the party and what happens after in her part), and Peter Pettigrew. The theme is _Frustration._ **

**Peace,**

**Sarina.**


	5. Chapter Four: Orange

**These first four chapters have been ultra-important, and they’ve been pretty long, especially Lily’s. This one is quite long, it’s over thirty pages in MS Word and a lot happens.**

**There’s some hard R in here, so be wary if that’s not your thing. This is how explicit any scenes in the story like this will be—actually, they may be less explicit. There aren’t many scenes like this, so don’t worry.**

**Chapter Four: Orange**

**{ _This Time Is the Last Time,_ by Mae}**

_\--flame, fire, luxury--_

**……**

_August of 1977_

James showed up at his house four hours after his and Lily’s appointed meeting time. As soon she saw him _pop!_ into existence in front of her, Lily jumped up and wiped her eyes. She had been waiting outside his house for two hours. She caught sight of the expression on his face and, seeing it, she felt as though someone had reached their hand inside her and begun juggling with her kidneys. He looked positively unruffled and unbothered by the fact that she hadn’t shown up at the _Leaky Cauldron_ earlier.

“Hey.”

Lily found her voice. “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?”

He didn’t say it rudely, but in such a way that Lily knew he didn’t want her there. Lily swallowed hard.

“I…er…I wanted to apologize for missing our meeting today.”

James raised his eyebrows and glanced at his watch. “That was at ten. Have you been waiting here since then? And have you been _crying_?”

“I have allergies,” Lily said. “And I’ve been here since one. First I went to Marlene’s, but she wasn’t home. Only her brother was.”

“You and Evan Rosier, eh? I always wondered.”

“Absolutely not,” Lily said. 

James fell silent. “Oh. Well—you can get a potion for allergies, you know.”

“Really? I’ll make sure to get one.”

His eyes were boring into hers. “So—you came here to apologize?”

Lily looked down at her feet and pushed her hair back from her face. “I need your help,” she said quietly, blinking hard.

“Okay.”

If only he would show some type of emotion besides impatience! Lily cleared her throat. “I…I need you to help me shrink my school stuff down. I’ll be expelled if I use magic one more time, and you’re already of age—I mean, I went to Sirius Black’s to find you and he pointed me here, and I didn’t want to ask him or Remus or Peter for help—they didn’t really look like they wanted to help me, you see…”

He did not ask her why she needed to shrink her things. He simply looked at his watch again and quite obviously tried not to sigh. “Fine. Your place, then?”

Lily had forgotten he would need to come to her flat to perform her request. She nodded. It was one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life.

“Lead the way, then.”

“I don’t think I should Apparate, you know. I don’t have a license, yet—Peter brought me here, and—”

“You had _Peter_ bring you here?”

“Yes!” Lily glared at him. “I needed to, you see. I really, really, really didn’t want Peter to see…” 

She trailed off and blushed furiously. _My sad little flat._ James did not press her. “Okay, Lily. Grab my arm. Tell me where to go.”

She told him, and then she gripped his arm tightly. She had been terrified when Peter brought her, terrified he would splinch them. But with James—of course she felt perfectly fine. _Of course._ Within moments they were outside her flat, and Lily was pulling open the door of her building with shaking fingers. She led James up the dark stairs and they stopped outside her door on the fourth floor.

“Not far from Sirius’s.”

“No,” Lily replied softly. She knew that once she opened the door there was no way things between her and James could ever be the same. Marlene was the only one who knew Lily was poor, the _only one_.

_Suck it up, Lily_ , she thought, and she opened the door quickly. She shut the door after James and was surprised that she felt decidedly _angry_ upon seeing the shock on his face. 

“What?” she burst out. “ _What?_ Is something wrong? Did you expect me to live like you, like a pampered and rich and spoiled child? This is where I live, Potter, this is where I’ve always lived—”

“I thought you were calling me James now.”

“Shut up. Don’t joke, James. It’s hard for me to bring people here; Marlene’s the only one who I have. And you—you’re here because I’m desperate, James, make no mistake, and I thought you wouldn’t care. I was hoping you wouldn’t, but obviously you do. So you can leave, now. Now!”

James rolled his eyes. “Don’t be melodramatic, Evans. I’m just surprised you’ve never mentioned before you’re not rich. I dunno why, but I thought you were.”

“You thought wrong.”

“Obviously. Now—shrinking?”

Lily considered kicking him out—but no, she needed him too much. He followed her to her room and Lily stepped aside so he could see her packed trunk. James waved his wand over it and in just a moment, it could fit into Lily’s pocket. “Is that all?”

Lily nodded.

“I don’t mean to pry, Evans—but this is strange.”

Lily nodded

“I mean, no one’s ever asked me to do something so utterly weird. You wanna explain?”

Lily nodded.

“Can I sit on your bed?”

Lily wanted to nod, but she shook her head. James leaned against the wall near the window and Lily sat on the bed.

“My mum had an accident this morning. That’s why I missed the meeting—I was at the hospital.”

James made a sympathetic sound. “Is she okay? What happened?”

“She—fell down the cellar stairs. She’ll be fine. Physically.”

“Oh.” He paused and narrowed his eyes. His head tilted slightly to the side as he looked at her intently. “And…not physically?”

Lily put her fingers to the bridge of her nose and shut her eyes. “She’s—she’s really stressed right now. She—um…she’s been under a lot of pressure.”

He was silent, waiting for her to continue.

“Life’s not going the way she wants it, because of t-t-the money, and her parents have been pr-pressuring her about her religion more, and suddenly, she fell down the stairs and she…she told me she didn’t want me to go back to school, James, she _said_ that. My dad asked her what would take away some of her stress, and she said _if Lily stops sinning, if Lily accepts God into her heart, if Lily stays home and becomes a doctor, like we used to plan…_ but I don’t want to be a doctor, and I’m going back to school…and I hate science, I can’t stand it—I love to draw, that’s what I’d love to do…” 

“I’m really sorry she’s sick, Evans.”

Lily wiped her tears away and hoped she didn’t look terrible. She swallowed around the painful lump in her throat; he looked utterly uncomfortable and she rather preferred him to leave instead of stay and be so—indifferent! She looked up at him. 

“And—look, Evans, I’m sorry for that night in my room, too,” he said carefully, still not shifting his eyes from her face.

Lily sighed.

“I hope you haven’t been worrying about me not mentioning to you. You know, I don’t think you’re loose at all—I know you’re not a slag. It’s just that you…right after you were a bit embarrassed that it happened, yeah? And then that stupid night out dancing for Remus’s birthday—I shouldn’t have asked you to come, I should have known something would go wrong. I just wanted to make things right. That’s all.”

“It’s fine. I’m not a baby—we hardly did anything, it’s not a big deal.” Lily held her breath. She needed him to believe this, for she couldn’t have him thinking she was pining away for him when he didn’t want a serious relationship. She cleared her throat. “My mum’ll be fine, I guess. I just needed someone to help with my trunk. My dad told me not to have anything magical around the house for a while.”

James nodded. “I understand. And yeah, I’m sure she’ll be fine in a little while. Maybe I’ll see you this weekend or something?”

_Absolutely not,_ Lily thought. “Perhaps. Bye, James. Thanks again.”

He glanced around her room again. “You like to draw?”

Lily nodded.

“You’re really good. You should apply to my dad’s company—he deals in architecture.”

Lily didn’t say anything.

“I can let myself out,” he said quietly, and she watched him leave. What most disappointed her about the conversation they had just had, she knew, was that he had not once hugged her, and that he hadn’t remembered to tell her an early happy birthday.

**……**

Her birthday dawned grey and wet, with a generous dose of rain just as she was waking up. Lily groaned at the idea of a cold or humid day; she hated both. She pulled her blankets up around her shoulders and curled up in a shivering ball, rubbing her face against her pillowcase. She sniffled and stopped moving, stopped making any sound, when she heard something just outside her bedroom door.

The door slowly creaked open. Lily instinctively slid her hand to her night table drawer and pulled it open. She fumbled around, grabbed her wand, and put her hand back under the covers.

_Honestly, you daft girl, who’s going to attack you in your home?_

Her mother’s head appeared around the edge of the doorway. This did not allow Lily to relax; instead, she became even tenser. She did not say a word as her mother crept into the room, because for some reason, Lily did not think this was an early happy birthday visit.

Her mother left the door open and tiptoed around Lily’s room, flipping through papers and quietly opening and shutting drawers. _She is looking for my sins,_ Lily thought calmly, and she remained still. Her mother pulled something out of the pocket in her robe and placed it on Lily’s desk, then snuck out of the room. Lily waited until the door was closed until she got up and went over to her desk.

Her mother had left her a picture of the Virgin Mary, inscribed on the back with the message:

_Dearest Lily,_

_Your acceptance and love has been a never-ending source of inspiration for me. I thank you for doing your best to return to the faith and hope this picture will always remind you of the sacrifices one must make for personal salvation._

_With love,_

_Mum_

Lily put the picture down carefully, looked at it again, and then went back to her bed. She sprawled out over the mattress and covered herself in blankets, before staring at the ceiling for an hour and going back to sleep.

She woke again at ten to an irritating tapping sound. She looked around wildly, disoriented, and scowled at the owl pecking insistently at her window. It was Marlene’s. Afraid the owl would break the glass, Lily hurried over and released the catch; the window flew open. She was hit by a blast of cool air and a spray of water—it was raining, and she had not realized. The owl burst into her room, shaking droplets of water off its feathers and hooting, rather angrily.

“Little berk,” Lily said, not affectionately. She grabbed the rain-spattered parchment in the owl’s beak and squinted so she could read the smeared ink. Only Marlene would be thoughtless enough to send a letter without an envelope. Well…Lily would be too, and James, and Sarah…and everyone, really.

Lily set the parchment aside after reading the short message and trudged out to the bathroom, where she groaned at the sight of her reflection. She didn’t even want to think about how horrendous she looked in the morning. She splashed icy cold water on her face and peeled off her clothes, dropping them onto the floor. She put the water on in the shower, making sure it was scalding. Then, she got in and began to cry.

Lily was a creature of habit.

She cried often; she did not know why. She was like her mother, that way—the only way she was like her mother, really. It was her only therapy, because there was no way Lily could ever articulate the innate sense of hopelessness and worthlessness she had within her. At school it was the worst, because she would be sitting in class and suddenly feel as though someone had slid dirty hands up and down her body or punched her in the stomach or said one phrase, one sentence that set her off. She would feel the burning in her throat and she always felt really _hot_ , like she was wrapped up in blankets on midsummer’s day. She would calmly raise her hand and ask to be excused, and then she would run to find the nearest hidden corner so she could sob quietly for several minutes. She _perfected_ cosmetic charms within her first five weeks at school. 

Lily thought Marlene knew, but her friend never mentioned it. She probably thought crying was a better way of coping than self-mutilation or rebellion.

Lily wasn’t so sure—about what she was coping with _or_ the rebellion.

She finished her shower and dressed, then brushed her teeth and left the bathroom. She left her dirty clothes in the hamper and walked down the corridor to the kitchenette. 

Her parents had already left for work and Petunia never told Lily where she was going. Lily found a birthday card on the dining table, along with a set of red balloons and wrapped package. It was a book. Lily didn’t plan on reading it. She glanced around and set the gift down with a sigh, then began to clean. Marlene was coming in an hour. 

When she arrived, Marlene was horrified by Lily’s mother’s picture. “What the bloody hell is going on, Lily? She’s acting like a complete fanatic!”

Lily sighed and pressed her fingers to her temples. “I know. Did I tell you what she said to me a few weeks ago? The day I met you in Diagon Alley and we saw James…”

“No, what?”

They were sitting on Lily’s bed. Both were curled into each other and Marlene’s head was resting on Lily’s chest as Lily’s fingers worked out the tangles in her dark hair.

“I told her Christ would have burned me at the stake for being a witch. And she…she told me Christ would have forgiven me for my sins. As if I’m doing something wrong!”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Christ wouldn’t have done anything to you, Lily—twisted _people,_ however, would have! Jason’s Squib cousin was Catholic and we had discussions about it several times.”

Lily’s head snapped to the side. “Jason—you haven’t said his name in ages, Marls! Finally over it?”

Marlene frowned. “I’ll never be over it, Lily. Not after…not after what Evan did.”

“Oh, Marlene…” Lily once more began to stroke her fingers through Marlene’s hair. Sometimes she forgot why Marlene had changed so much over the last year and become so much more calculating, so much more passive-aggressive than she used be. The old Marlene was forthright and unfailingly sweet. She would never do to Lily what this Marlene did to Lily around James Potter. Lily had just grown used to this new girl over the past year and never thought anything about it—not until now, when Marlene finally mentioned it.

“I talked to Jason yesterday.”

Lily gasped and sat up so Marlene rolled off her and lay sprawled over Lily’s rickety bed. “Marlene! You said you wouldn’t!”

“I had to, Lily. He hasn’t tried to contact me since last summer, and then he finally did. I had to talk to him.”

“If your _brother finds out—_

_“_ Evan won’t find out,” Marlene snapped, pushing herself up onto her elbows and looking up at Lily. “And I’m sick of being scared of him, anyways.”

“It’s not just him, Marls, it’s your parents, too…”

“Like I give a damn what my parents say, Lily. Not anymore. Not _now_.”

“Marlene, what happened?” It suddenly struck Lily that Marlene was talking about something new, something Lily didn’t know. “What’s happened?”

Marlene looked away. “I don’t want to trouble you, Lily. What with your mum and everything…”

“Well you’ve already told me something’s wrong, so I don’t see how not talking now is going to help.”

Marlene turned back to Lily and her eyes were glistening. “The day your mum had her accident I wasn’t home.”

“You told me you had a meeting—that’s why I…why I went to James Potter.”

Marlene didn’t react to his name as Lily had expected. She wiped her tears from beneath her eyes and pushed her dampened bangs away from her face. “My parents just told me they wanted to take me somewhere to make some contacts, you know, for a job or something. But they…they took me to a meeting and it wasn’t exactly what I expected.”

Lily just stared at Marlene, silently urging her to continue.

“They wanted me to meet a boy, Lily. They set me up on a date. A nice boy from a good family with no unsavory relatives. A nice boy who isn’t three years older than me.”

“An anti-Jason.”

Marlene nodded. “It was terrible,” she choked out, now crying in earnest. “He was dull and unexciting and immature and he was so shy—I hate that, and I had to act so _perfectly_! It was a nightmare, Lily, and they’ll do it again, I swear they will. I can’t go through it again.”

“And you spoke to Jason?” Lily picked at a thread on her coverlet.

“I met him in Diagon Alley, yesterday. I miss him so much, Lily, I can’t…I saw him and it’s made me realize that I don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past year. I don’t know how I’ve been living properly without him. How I’ve been _normal…._ ”

_You haven’t,_ Lily wanted to say, but she kept her mouth shut this time. 

“What did he say to you?”

Marlene put her shaking hands over her eyes. “He said…he said he’s sorry for leaving without more of a fight. He said he should have f-f-fought harder.”

“Evan would have killed him, Marls—”

“I told him that. And he said it didn’t matter, and he said he wanted to start things up again—”

“ _Marlene!_ You’ve just gotten your parents’ trust back. What if they find out? They’ll never let you leave home again—they _hate_ him.”

“It doesn’t matter, Lily.”

“It _does_ matter. How can you say it doesn’t after last year? How can you even _think_ it doesn’t matter?”

Marlene’s face was now strangely calm. “I’m going to school, Lily—they won’t find out. He’s going to come on week-ends—”

“ _School!_ Like that’s any protection. They can still find out Marlene, it’s not a good idea—”

“Not a good idea?” Marlene cried, jumping up from the bed. “Not a good idea, Lily? You’re mad, Lily. Absolutely mad. _You_ say you don’t date because your parents might find out but that’s ridiculous! You keep your parents so far removed from our world and you still pretend you’re afraid they’ll find out about something _hundreds of miles away!_ Well—well—not me!”

“Marlene—”

“You’re scared, you silly bitch! I hate how scared you are, it’s why you’re never happy. You are _never_ happy and you want to keep me just like you, it’s sick…”

“Don’t make this about me!” Lily shouted, getting to her knees on the bed. “You—you know how hard it is for me with blokes—”

“Stop it! JUST STOP! I don’t want to fight anymore, Lily. Please—stop. It’s your birthday.”

Lily shut her mouth, breathing hard. “Fine. Fine.”

“Look—I’ve really got to go. Come out with me tonight, please?”

“I don’t think so.”

“To my house? Please?” Marlene pouted. “Please, Lily? My parents won’t be home and Evan’s going to be out. I need to give you your gift, still.”

Lily sighed. “Okay, Marls. You’ll have to come get me.”

“Six, then.”

“Oh, can’t bloody wait.”

Marlene walked around the bed and hugged Lily tightly. “Let’s not fight. We’ll talk about this later.”

Lily nodded into her shoulder.

**……**

“Marlene, you said _your_ house.”

“I know, I know! I’m sorry. We’re going somewhere else.”

“Marlene…”

“Evan’s home, Lily.”

“Oh. Okay, where are we going?”

Marlene shook her head. “First, you’re going to change. Why am I always dressing you?”

Lily stuck her tongue out. “Because you’re too damn picky. Come on, hurry up. I told my mum I’m going out with an old Muggle friend. If she comes back and sees you you’ll finally witness an Evans explosion.”

“Where’d she go? And I’ve never seen her yell at you. She doesn’t look like she can yell.”

“Groceries. What do you want me to wear?”

“Let’s dress up! I brought pretty clothes.”

Lily tried to peer into Marlene’s bag and see her birthday gift but Marlene knocked it out of the way. 

“No, Miss Priss. I don’t think so. Do you have anything? Or shall you borrow my little black dress?”

Lily hesitated.

“Little black dress it is, then.” Marlene reached into her bag and yanked out her dress, throwing it at Lily. “Sex. That’s what that’s going to look like on you.”

“What are you wearing? Do we _really_ need to dress up? And where the hell are we going?”

“I asked Sarah if we could go over to her place. She said yes, because she’s quite sympathetic to my plight.”

“Your plight?” Lily snorted, pulling her shorts and tank top off. She shook out her hair and smoothed out a wrinkle in Marlene’s dress.

“Yes, my plight at home.” Marlene poked Lily with a pointy nail. “Hurry up, brat.”

Lily slid gently into the dress. It was silk. It was lovely. She wished she had one like it.

Of course, she didn’t have one like it. Lily pursed her lips and reached for the dress shoes she had stolen from Petunia some years ago. They were still in good condition—neither Petunia nor Lily went out very much.

“We’re going to go and get deliciously drunk. Then maybe we’ll go out and pick up some blokes.”

Suddenly Lily wished James would be there. She frowned. Where had that come from?

_Your trampy, slaggish mind, you whore._

Lily sighed.

“We’ll get you snogged, Lily. You need it.”

“Good luck finding someone to do that,” Lily muttered.

“Nonsense. If we can’t find you a bloke, Sarah will be more than happy to oblige.”

“You think?” Lily cocked her head to the side and finished slipping the back straps of the dress shoes over her heels and onto her ankles.

Marlene nodded, already undressing and reaching for a blue dress lying on the bed. Lily hadn’t noticed her take it out of her bag. “Remember the night we went to James Potter’s? For his birthday? Remember what she said in my bedroom?”

“How could I forget?” Lily said softly.

Marlene gave her a sidelong glance. “Does it bother you? That she likes girls?”

Lily shrugged. “I guess that…I never really thought about it. I can only imagine what Mum would say if she knew I slept in a room with a lesbian.”

Marlene laughed. “Nightmare, right!”

“It _would_ be a nightmare. Can you hand me that lotion? Thanks. I mean—my Mum would probably hit the ceiling. Once she told her step dad she was going to be a lesbian. She cringes every time she tells that story. She says it makes her feel sick.”

Marlene sighed.

“It’s stupid. Her Mum is just… _really_ Catholic though. Almost—almost a fundamentalist. It’s mad, I think, but that’s how she grew up and it’s hard to blame her for it. I mean, I know some people who don’t care, but most of the religious people I know…” Lily shook her head. She didn’t know how to properly describe it. 

“Well, that’s settled. You can have Sarah if all goes badly.” Marlene paused. “Lily…would you?”

“Would I what?”

“Hook up with Sarah.”

Lily laughed, and then she realized Marlene wasn’t joking. “Oh…well no, because she likes girls.” She smiled. “If she didn’t…”

“You _would_! That’s exciting. Tell James that story and he’ll come right there and then.”

Lily grimaced. “Well it’s so much easier to consider hooking up with a straight girl, because then you know there’s no danger of having to get into a messy romance. It’s just…for the fun of it. If you don’t like someone and you know they won’t fancy you either, it’s easier to hook up with them because nothing happens after—and you don’t want anything to happen!”

“That’s was pretty deep, Lily. Have you been thinking about this?”

Lily smiled. “Sure. Let’s go before Mummy gets home. I have to be back by one. That’s the latest I could get.”

“We’ll see—here, grab my arm.”

Lily did so. 

“Ready?”

Lily nodded. Then she stepped and turned with Marlene.

They appeared before a large, tall house. She had never been to Sarah’s house before. It was surprisingly larger than what Lily had expected, considering Sarah’s comments about her home. Lily and Marlene walked up the front path and Marlene rang the doorbell.

“You look hot, Lily.”

“You too, Marls.”

Lily was shocked when Jason McKinnon pulled open the door with Sarah standing next to him, dressed to kill, and then Lily shrieked when forty or so voices yelled “SURPRISE!”

“Oh my God!” Lily put her hand over her mouth as Marlene and Sarah dragged her inside. She barely knew half the people here—they were mostly acquaintances—but she saw many that she did know quite well. She smiled at them and shook her head in wonder. 

“Are you surprised?”

“Yes, Sarah! You terrible liars—I hadn’t any idea!”

“That was the _point._ ” Marlene grabbed Lily’s hand. “This is Jason’s house, by the way. He lives here with his family.” She tugged. “Come on, the party’s in the basement!”

Lily followed Marlene in a daze, smiling at people as they wished her a happy birthday. _They’re all just here for the free alcohol so they can get drunk_ , she thought wryly. The basement stairs led her directly into the main room—there was a large, ornate bar against the left wall and an array of tables and chairs took up most of the space at the other end of the room. There was multi-colored glitter and confetti everywhere and a constantly rearranging design on the table in the middle of the room displayed the words “Happy Birthday Lily!” She bumped into James immediately as she entered the basement and he smiled at her. 

“Hey, Evans. Happy birthday!”

“Thanks, Potter. James. Whatever you want to be called.”

He laughed. “Go get drunk and maybe I’ll talk you when you’re fun.”

“Bitch.”

He laughed again. “See you, Evans. Hope you were surprised.”

“I was. Thanks, James.”

“You said that before,” he teased, and then he grinned at her one more time before walking away. Marlene nudged Lily and waggled her eyebrows, and then James turned around. “Lily?”

“What?”

“ _Killer_ dress.”

Lily bit back her smile as he winked at her and resumed walking over to his friends, who looked quite unhappy and very much as if they didn’t want to be there. Lily tossed her head. _Forget them,_ she thought.

“That was quite cute, Lily. Come on—let’s go get some drinks.”

Lily was happy to oblige. Once she had a drink or two in her she forgot about being worried that Marlene and Jason were picking things up again and that they were in the McKinnon House, and that she wasn’t normally comfortable with these people, and that she was still a little awkward around James. She lost Marlene to Jason at some point, and she found she hardly minded—especially when it gave her a chance to go say hello to James again. He was sitting around a table at the other end of huge basement, laughing with a group of students in their seventh year.

“Hi!”

Everyone looked at her and it wasn’t Lily’s imagination that one or two people rolled their eyes, while some of the others looked rather happy to see her. She pushed her cone-shaped, silver birthday cap up from her forehead.

“Are you having a good time?” asked an unknown but still familiar girl to James’s right.

“Smashing. You? I’m Lily. Sorry, what’s your name?”

“She’s a fantastic drunk,” James said conversationally, drowning out the girl’s response. Lily smiled sweetly at him for Sirius’s sake, for Black was scowling openly at Lily. 

“Why, _thank you_ , James. Do you mind if I sit?”

“I would love for you to join us, Ev. Pull up a chair.”

“Oh, no, Mr. Potter. That’s quite too much work for my lovely and lazy body to do on my birthday.”

A smile spread slowly across his face. “So what do you suggest, Miss Evans?”

“Your lap, actually,” Lily said archly.

“By all means, birthday girl.” James pushed his chair back from the table a bit and Lily took a step forward, tripped, and fell against him, giggling. James poked her in the side and she laughed harder, swatting his hands away as she settled herself on his lap. James put his hands on her forearms and began to rub gently up and down. Lily was hot and flushed, but this made her infinitely hotter and made her tingle…everywhere.

“You and backless clothing, I swear,” he murmured in her ear. “You’ll kill me one day.”

“Oi! No secrets,” Miriam said across the table. 

“Quiet, you,” Sirius said, the first thing Lily had heard him say all night. Miriam stuck her tongue out at him.

“That’s such a pretty dress, Evans.”

“I’m Lily,” Lily said dazedly.

“Sam.” 

Lily frowned. “No. _Lily_.”

The girl raised her eyebrows and smiled. “I mean, I’m Sam. Samantha, actually.”

“Aha!” Lily cried. “I get it, sorry.”

James was tracing the fingers of his right hand over her back (the dress had large cutouts and much of her back was exposed). _Sitting on his lap was the best idea I had all night._

“We were talking about whether the top or the bottom is more dominating,” Miriam said. “It was quite a good conversation until you showed up, Lily.”

“Hardy har har,” Lily said, pouting. “Carry on, then. Not that I can give any input from experience, but I’ll try my best otherwise. The top is. There, that’s what I think.”

“That’s typical, though,” said another person at the table. There were eight people at the table besides Lily, and she knew three of them and the recently introduced Samantha. Lily didn’t bother with names anymore. The girl speaking didn’t seem to realize that she had a streak of black mascara on the side of her face. It was quite distracting. “I mean—the person on top has to do all the work and the one on the bottom is just lying there like…pleasure me, _bitch_.”

“But the person on top’s in control.”

“Yeah!” Lily said, raising her red cup. James gently pulled her hand down.

“Shush, Ev. You’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.”

“That’s okay! I’m perfectly willing to learn!”

James laughed low in her ear as the others continued their fierce discussion. From the corner of her eye, Lily saw Sirius watching darkly. James’s left hand slid around her side and came to rest at the hem of her dress. He flipped it up and rested his warm hand on the inside of her thigh, spreading his fingers and leaving them like that. He took her drink and finished the last several sips.

“I wasn’t _done_ , you jerk.”

“I could finish you in about ten seconds, Evans.”

“I could finish _you_ in about _five_ seconds, James.”

He wasn’t drunk and he kept his voice quiet. She was drunk and she spoke loudly. Everyone at the table stopped talking and stared at them. Lily frowned. “What?”

“Go fuck already, you two.”

Lily burst out into more giggles. “You’re funny!” she crowed, pointing to the boy who had spoken. He smiled a sardonic smile and then rolled his eyes. 

“My legs are falling asleep, Evans.”

 

“That means he’s getting a boner,” Miriam said loudly. Sirius let out a sharp bark of laughter.

“Well _I’m_ getting up, anyway. Whatever the reason.”

James’s fingers tightened against her thigh for a moment, and then he let her go. She didn’t get up, though. Suddenly she felt very serious and very sober (she was not). She knew something important was about to happen. She slowly turned her head to the side and found that her lips were right next to James’s. “Put your hand right back, Potter,” she whispered, dragging her own dress up. “Don’t be a pussy.” She heard Sirius gasp and James’s hand shot forward to push her hemline down.

“Twit,” he said, not unkindly, but she could feel his heart beating harder.

Lily giggled and turned to the rest of the table. “Hey, guys…did you know that a pregnant goldfish is called a twit?”

James shifted beneath her. “Really, Evs, my legs are falling asleep.”

“Could you please use one of my _actual_ names?

“No can do, _Evs_. Especially if I don’t get any feeling back in my legs after this torture.”

“Relax, Potter—you’re acting as though I’ve never felt one of your boners before!”

Someone laughed and Lily heard Miriam’s cat-call loud and clear. She felt dizzy. She wanted another drink. She wanted to rip James’s fingers off her trembling thigh.

“Shh,” James breathed in her ear. Lily’s eyes rolled up a bit at the sensation. James’s fingers started tripping back and forth on her thigh, leaving burning fingerprints in their wake. “Someone might think you remember Remus’s birthday.”

“I _remember everything_!” Lily said, affronted. “I swear! I have an excellent memory.”

“I’m sure you do,” James said, humoring her.

Lily gasped. “Are you implying that I am a _liar?_ ”

“Prongs.”

“I might be.”

“Prongs.”

“I don’t appreciate that, Mr. Potter.”

“James!”

“Holy shit, what?” James whipped his head around to look at Sirius and Lily jerked forward instinctively so he wouldn’t hit the back of her head with his own. 

Lily looked dizzily at Sirius, who was looking at James with the most heartbreaking combination of emotions on his face. _Doesn’t James see?_ Lily thought. Sirius Black was utterly lost without James—utterly, completely, and totally lost. A feeling crept into Lily then, a feeling she was quite familiar with. She always intruded where she did not belong. She could never really fit into another person’s life—except Marlene’s. This uncomfortable, scared feeling….how _familiar_ it was to Lily.

“I’ve…um…I’ve got to go,” Lily mumbled, rising from James’s lap. She stood for a second, then turned to looked back at him. He waved absently at her and then turned back to his conversation with Sirius. Lily swallowed whatever was threatening to come out of her and walked unsteadily back to where she had seen Sarah earlier. 

She ran into Marlene and felt an instant sense of dread when she saw her friend’s blotchy eyes and smudged eye-makeup. “What’s wrong?”

“J-J-Jason!”

“What’d he do?”

Marlene swiped at her eyes. “He-he—”

“What’d you _do,_ you sniveling fuck?” Lily cried, catching sight of Jason walking towards them.

“I didn’t—”

“Please take me home, Lily.”

“Okay, Marlene.”

“You are _drunk_ , Lily—”

“Shut it, McKinnon.” Lily grabbed Marlene’s arm and turned. She stumbled into Sarah.

“What’s going on?” Sarah asked ominously, glaring at Jason. 

“Marlene needs to get home. Now.”

“Drunk again, Lily? God—okay—Lily? Lily?”

But Lily couldn’t hear her anymore. The world swayed around her—or was she swaying? Everything was red and swirling and blurring into lines of color—she didn’t feel sick but, rather, simply….lost. 

She dropped to the ground.

**……**

Nine days later Lily’s mother looked up in surprise when Lily walked in the door of the flat, laden with her new school supplies. Lily’s eyes widened when she saw her mother and she dropped her heavy _Flourish and Blotts_ bag on the wooden floor.

“ _Shit,_ ” Lily whispered quietly.

“Lily? What’s that?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be at Grandmother’s?”

“She wasn’t feeling well. She called and told me to stay home. What do you have with you?”

“Just a little book shopping,” Lily said, trying to conceal the label on the bag. It was around eight and the light from outside was dying—the light by the door wasn’t on, so Lily’s mother wouldn’t be able to see any specifics…that is, if she  weren’t walking closer to Lily and trying to get a look at her bags.

“Lily…”

“I’m going to go to my room, Mum. I’m tired—

“Lily…”

“Mum—”

“Don’t you dare TRY to get out of this, Lily!” Lily jumped back at her mother’s sudden shout and she felt, with a cool sort of detachment, that this was _it_.

“Please don’t shout.”

Marigold grabbed Lily’s wrist and jerked her forward into the kitchen. “Don’t you _ever_ talk to me like that. What are you doing with those books, Lily? You’re stopping that nonsense this year.”

“I never agreed to that, Mum. You just _assumed—”_

“I am your mother, Lily, and _I_ know what’s best for you—not some old man with a stick who’s leading you down the path to hell. I love you, Lily—”

“You hate me!” Lily snapped, wrenching her wrist from her mother’s grasp. “You’ve always known that I’m not your _perfect little girl_ and you’ve always tried to make me cleaner and purer—”

“What is going on in here?” Lily’s father and sister burst into the kitchen from their respective rooms. Petunia was wearing her thin dressing gown and her father was dressed nicely— _is he going somewhere?_

“Lily’s bought books for that damned school of hers.”

Petunia gasped and Lily blanched when her mother swore.

“Marigold—”

“You _knew_ she was going back?” Her mother looked utterly betrayed by her husband. She put her hand over her heart. Reed did not go to her or comfort her.

“Was?” Lily squeaked. “ _Was?_ I _am_ going back, _mother_ , and don’t you dare think you can stop me now—”

“Lily, you are STAYING HOME—THIS—YEAR!” Her mother screamed the last four words, her face contorting into something Lily had never seen before, an expression vaguely reminiscent of a demon out of hell. 

“I am NOT, MUM! I refuse! I’m going to school no matter what you say—I’ve got an interview for a job tomorrow morning—a _magical_ job!”

Marigold slapped Lily across the face and everyone froze. Lily stared at her mother, shaking. Her mother had slapped her before, but never so hard—she had never hit Lily or Petunia with as much force as she had just hit Lily in this moment. Then Marigold raised her hands, stepped forward, and began to hit Lily in earnest. Lily cried out and told herself not to fight back, because of course her mother would stop soon.

But she did not. 

Marigold’s nails scraped across Lily’s face and she drew blood. Lily stumbled backwards and held up her hands. She couldn’t hit back— _I mustn’t hit back,_ she thought dumbly. Her father finally pulled her mother back and Petunia yanked Lily away. 

“Stop it, Mum! Stop now!” Petunia grabbed Lily’s shaking hands in her own and stroked her thumbs over Lily’s palms.

“GET OUT, LILY! GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

Lily choked on her own tears as she turned her face from her mother.

“Come with me, Lily, come on,” Petunia said, leading Lily out of the apartment.  She stepped over the shopping bags lying forlornly by the door, the books spilling out. Petunia took Lily into the hallway outside and then shut the door, muffling Marigold’s shrieks. Lily tore her hands from her elder sister’s and sank down to the floor, her back against the wall. She put her hands over her face and drew her knees up to her chest, biting her lip to keep from sobbing.

“I think you should—I think you should go, Lily,” Petunia said, clearing her throat. 

“I c-c-can’t,” Lily sobbed. “Where w-w-ill I go?”

Petunia knelt down nest to Lily and put her hands flat on the floor. “You can’t stay here, baby. You can’t.”

It had been so long since Petunia had used any sort of endearment with Lily—when Lily had been younger, until she was thirteen or so, Petunia would say _baby_ this and _sweetie_ that and _honey come here._ Her heart clenched at the familiar word rolling off her sister’s now bitter tongue. Lily had never acknowledged or fully appreciated that when she was school, Petunia was home with the ever-more religious and sharp Marigold.

“I have nowhere to go, Petty. I have no one.”

Petunia put her hands on the crown of Lily’s head and tilted her tearstained face up. “You’ll be fine, Lily. No matter what, _you_ will be fine.”

“How are you defining fine, Petty? Because I don’t feel particularly fine right now.”

Petunia did not laugh. She had tears in her eyes. “Oh, Lily. You don’t realize how lucky you are. You need to go. Really. Your friend Marlene—”

Lily shook her head vehemently. “ _No!_ Not there, I can’t _sleep_ at Marlene’s and eat there and stay there, not when her—her family is there.”

_Evan Rosier._

But Lily already knew where she was going. She knew it deep in her bones. She was going to go to James. 

“I’ll need my things from inside,” Lily said calmly, staring past Petunia and out the window. She would need to go to Sirius’s flat first. She couldn’t very well show up at James’s house and ring the doorbell—she had an interview with his father tomorrow and it wouldn’t look very good if she showed up at the man’s house the night before.

“I’ll get them. Just your books?”

Lily’s mother had quieted. Lily’s head snapped up. “I…and there’s a box on my dresser, in my room. It looks like a very, very, very small trunk.”

Lily waited while Petunia went inside. Her father had probably taken Marigold to bed, she mused. _If Mum at been at Grandmother’s, she would have still been there discussing the Bible and sin instead of trying to rip my hair out._ Her mother really had gotten a chunk of Lily’s hair in her fingers and tried to rip it out. Lily touched her hand to her cheek and she felt the dried blood there. 

Petunia came back into the hallway. “Here. I put everything I thought still fits you properly into this bag—it’s a bit heavy—”

Lily pulled out her wand from the holster strapped to her calf and made the bag weightless. Petunia shrieked and dropped it, then stared at Lily.

“I-i-it’s not so surprising, yeah?”

“What?” Lily said flatly, glancing up at her sister.

“That Mum thinks your ma—that it’s unnatural.”

                                                                                                  

Lily rose to her feet and picked up the bag, then took the miniscule trunk with its miniscule packed items and put it into a side pocket of the duffle bag. She put her wand back in her holster and nodded to Petunia. She didn’t very much feel like talking to her anymore. “I have to go, Petunia.”

“Bigger and better things to do, yeah?” 

It was the closest thing Lily had ever gotten by way of an explanation for Petunia’s behavior and coldness. She swallowed hard and nodded. “When Mum’s calmed down, can you tell her that I…tell her…let her know that I’m fine.”

“She won’t care to hear it,” Petunia said, and then she went back inside, leaving Lily alone in the hall. 

Lily let out a breath and looked around. She wanted to Apparate, but she didn’t know any alleys by Sirius’s flat where she could go. She would have to go to Diagon Alley and walk from the Leaky Cauldron. Nodding her head resolutely, Lily stepped and turned. 

Even though it was Sunday, hordes or people rushed around her immediately, most of them shopping for school supplies before the start of term on Thursday. Lily began walking immediately. She entered the pub and did not look around, but instead stepped out into Muggle London. She halted, looking around.

Why couldn’t Lily _ever_ do anything right?

Lily squared her shoulders and began walking to Sirius’s. It was warm out and not unpleasant, but all the same, she walked quickly and kept her head down. She was wearing the jeans Marlene had given her for her birthday. She found Sirius’s building and she walked into the dingy lobby, then up the rickety stairs. She had come here the day of her mother’s accident, desperate for James. Now she was back, and for the same reason. 

She knocked on Sirius’s door. She waited for a moment and when he didn’t open the door, she swore and turned to leave. She got to the stairs before Sirius opened his door and called out to her.

“Hey! Evans! What’re you doing here again?”

                                                                                                       

He had his wand in his hand and _dear lord,_ he wasn’t wearing a shirt. His hair was matted on one side and Lily assumed he had been sleeping. His pajama bottoms were slung low on his hips and Lily could see the trail of hair leading down below the waistband.

“You, Miss Evans, are staring.”

For once, Sirius Black didn’t seem hostile or jealous or angry. He was amused by her inability to look away.

“You are _always_ crying, you stupid twit. Get inside before Prongs kills me for being rude to you.”

“Is he here?”

“No. Do you need help getting to his house, again? Don’t you have your license?”

“Can you just get him to come here for me?”

Sirius regarded her with his dark, lazy eyes, twirling a toothpick back and forth in his fingers. “Sure. You wait in there.” He pointed off to the right and Lily automatically stepped into his kitchen. It was surprisingly clean.

It wasn’t long (Lily had no idea how long, and she never would) before James Potter stepped into the kitchen and pulled her weightless bag off her shoulder, dropping it onto the floor. “Hey,” he said, walking around to face her. “Are you okay? I heard you’re a tad upset.”

Lily laughed weakly.

“What’s this about? You don’t need me to shrink anything again, do you?”

Lily desperately wanted to hug him. She didn’t. “I—my mother’s kicked me out.”

James frowned. “You’re bleeding.”

“She did that.”

James made a sympathetic sound with his tongue and knelt beside her, putting his hands on her knees. “I can get Sirius to fix that for you so it doesn’t scar. He’s damn good at that.”

“Are you sure he won’t try to slit my throat?” 

James didn’t smile. “Padfoot! Get in here!”

Sirius shuffled into the room a minute later, smelling strongly of alcohol. “Whaddafuckd’yaneed?”

“You’re not drunk yet, you prat. Can you heal this cut on her face?”

“Poor Lily Evans’s vanity,” Sirius muttered, going back into the other room and returning with his wand. He came towards Lily and knelt next to James. He ran his fingers along the three scratches on Lily’s cheekbone and frowned, just as James had earlier.

“A human did that to you,” he said. It was a strange comment for him to make and Lily didn’t know how he knew. She breathed in the alcohol on his breath and wanted to get royally drunk herself as she took it in.

“Can you fix it?”

“Yeah.” He placed his fingers on her cheek and Lily held absolutely still. He brought his wand up and whispered an incantation—Lily didn’t hear it, because she was watching James glare at Sirius’s fingers, still lightly tracing Lily’s skin. A warm glow erupted somewhere within Lily’s chest as she saw that expression of jealousy on his face.

“There. Done. Can I go get pissed, now?”

“Go,” James said, his voice low. Lily shrank back in her chair. James waited until he was in the other room to speak. “Do you need a place to stay? Can you stay with Marlene?”

“Evan…”

“Oh, right. Yeah, I forgot. Er—you’ll stay with me.”

Lily was too drained to argue politely. “Your parents…” she attempted feebly.

“They’re asleep already—they sleep early on Sunday. We’ll explain in the morning—they won’t mind.”

“I have to leave early in the morning.”

“So do I. So does my dad. It’s all right, they won’t mind. They took Sirius in when he needed somewhere.”

Lily knew she was going to have to find another place to stay—perhaps Sarah’s? Miriam’s? She couldn’t stay at James’s after her interview with his father. It would be awkward and detrimental to her image.

“I have an interview at your father’s company tomorrow,” Lily confessed, raising her eyes to his.

James’s eyes moved over her face as he stilled her hand with his own and pushed her hair behind her ear himself.

“Okay. I didn’t think you’d take me up on my suggestion.”

Lily smiled. She had applied weeks before he mentioned it to her. It was why she had begun talking with him in the first place.

“We’ll see, then. Come on. Have you ever used the Floo Network before?”

Lily shook her head and James picked up her bag. Sirius was sitting before the dead fire, sipping quietly from a tiny bottle of whiskey. He glanced up at them as they entered. “You two done? Fantastic? What’s the consensus?”

“She’s coming to stay with me.”

Sirius laughed and saluted. “Aye aye, captain. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Lily simply sighed. James put a pinch of bright green powder into her hand. “Follow my lead, okay? Keep your elbows in and make sure you get out at the right grate.” He didn’t look at her to see if she nodded, but instead threw his powder into the dead fire, which immediately roared to life. He stepped into the fire and called out “Potter Residence!” 

Then he was gone. Lily took a step forward and threw her own powder into the fire. “Have fun!” Sirius called after her, as she did just as James had. She spun around and around and around, the finally fell out when she felt an invisible force on her body. She landed hard on the floor and scrambled to her feet. James was grinning at her. “That’s wasn’t so bad, yeah?”

Lily didn’t feel like listening to his jokes at the moment. The smile melted off his face. “Right. Come on. Upstairs.”

Lily wanted to look around, but she followed James and kept her eyes directly on his back.

“James,” she said softly when they passed his open bedroom door. 

“Okay,” he said quietly, stepping back from what she assumed was the guest room. She preceded him into his room and he shut the door, kicking some clothes out of the way. There was a vibrantly green couch near the window that hadn’t been there on the night of his birthday party. James put her bag down near it.

“James,” she said again, and she waited for his answer. There was a sense of purpose within Lily now. Why not defy her mother completely? _Why not?_

It was a long time coming. “Yes?” he finally said. 

“You know what we were talking about on your birthday?”

“When on my birthday?”

“When we were up here. And you asked me if I…wanted to know what good kissing…whether…”

“I remember,” James said, putting her out of her misery.

“Well I haven’t had a chance to find out, since then. I’m still a bit curious.”

James looked utterly conflicted. “You’re not…tonight isn’t the right time—”

But he didn’t really agree with that, because one second he was by the couch and the next he was right in front of her, pulling at her shirt and burying his face in her neck. Lily felt anticipation in her skin, in her lips, in her hair, _between her thighs_ …

He tugged her to the bed and fell on top of her, his hands everywhere. His face was inches above hers when he propped himself up on his elbows above her and kissed her. She didn’t tingle or feel sparks or anything, but there was something raw and desperate and invasive in his simple kiss—it wasn’t chaste and it wasn’t deep, but it was enough to convince Lily that she had been kissing all the wrong boys, and they had _nothing on James Potter._

She didn’t know how long it was until he pulled away, his eyes dark and glittering in the moonlight from the open window. His fingers were dragging her shirt up over her head, his skin blazing as it touched hers. It went up over her head and yanked her hair, but James didn’t pause. He threw her shirt across the room and that effortless and demanding movement completely undid Lily. 

“Let me do something, Lily, fuck, please, let me do something for you—”

Lily wriggled her hands beneath her flattened back and unhooked her bra.

“ _Fuck_ ,” James swore. “Fuck, yes.” He knelt between her legs, undid her jeans and shoved them down her hips, taking her knickers along with them. Her flip flops dropped off her feet and she kicked her jeans to the ground, her legs knocking into his as he tried to get out of the way. James looked down at her and laughed breathlessly. His stroked his fingers across her quivering stomach and pulled each of her arms from the straps of her bra. Without breaking eye contact, he leaned down and put her pretty, pure, virginal white bra on the floor. _Oh my God,_ Lily thought. _Oh, sweet lord—_ she was naked. She was naked. He was staring—she squeezed her eyes shut.

James gripped her hips and Lily sat up desperately so she was face to face with him. “James!”

James froze and his head dropped down—she thought she heard him whimper. She only leaned forward and pulled his glasses from behind his ears, secretly glad that he didn’t do this so often as to known to automatically take them off and, also, randomly, fervently glad that she had taken Marlene’s advice and begun shaving every inch of her legs.

She truly wanted him to continue with what she knew he was going to do, but he put and arm on either side of her torso and leaned against her, pushing her back on the bed. He kissed her neck, then her lips, then the dip between her collarbone—he gently moved the fingers of one hand over her face and then his calloused fingertips moved downwards. Lily threw her arms across his back and dug her nails in as he took advantage of her missing bra.

“What do you like?” he whispered in her ear.

“ _Fuck,_ James, I don’t know—I’ve never—”

But James had given a little shiver and shut his eyes, his mouth falling open against her shoulder.

“What—what?”

“I’ve near heard you say fuck before, Lily.”

“I don’t…normally.”

“It’s hot.”

Lily could only stare at him. “What?”

He didn’t answer—he put his mouth next to her ear and blew hot air over her neck. “What do you think you like?”

Why did he have to make this _so hard?_ He knew what he was doing—to some extent, at least! He didn’t have to make this challenging for her; he didn’t have to make her beg; he didn’t have to do _this!_

“I don’t know,” she mumbled. “I’ve never been able to make myself come before. I mean I lie in my bed and I lock the door so no one can get in and sometimes I take off my clothes but no matter how much I touch myself I can never get it to be enough, there’s always something there that my fingers can’t get me—”

“Fuck you, Lily, you’re trying to kill me! _Shit!_ I wanna make you come, fuck—”

“You said ten seconds and you could finish me—”

She had challenged his manhood. She laughed when he immediately tackled her and pressed his hands against her body, leaving pretty possessive bruises in his wake. “You’ll come if you give my fingers five minutes in your—”

“Laguage…behave yourself…do you know—how to say ‘come’ in French?”

James shook his head, trailing his fingers down over her stomach. Lily stopped his hand for a moment and took his shirt off for him. He was thin and pale and lanky but the way he was moving wasn’t awkward at all— _god_ , he made her _so hot._ She placed her hand low on his side as he bit her shoulder lightly and began to suck, his fingers in their favorite place, high on her inner thighs. He urged her legs apart with the lightest of touches and bent his head closer when he finally touched her.

“Don’t scream,” he breathed out. “Don’t let them hear you.”

Lily barely heard him.

“Are my fingers too rough? It’s the Quidditch—”

“Shut the _fuck_ up, James.”

He shivered and swore again. “You’ll make me come without fucking touching me, Lily, I swear—”

He began to whisper in her ear what he was doing to her and describing what she felt like—Lily’s hips strained against him—his were moving too even though he wasn’t on top of her, but instead lying beside her, propped up on one elbow. 

Lily had never come before.

She hoped she would again, and again, and again…

“ _J’ai joui_.”

James laughed, rubbing his slick fingers on her upper thighs. He hadn’t moved since—except to drop his head into the crook of her neck.

“Since when do you know French, brat?”

“Marlene taught me some.”

They were silent. Lily rolled towards him and into his body, her skin coming into direct contact with hers, his hands sliding around her back.

“Are you going to fuck me tonight, James?” 

“Goddammit—fucking, sodding hell, Evans!” James rolled off the bed and stumbled over to a door she had noticed but not taken note of. He wrenched it open and slammed it shut; Lily caught sight of light blue tiles and a shower before the door shut. She stayed quiet and the lack of noise allowed her to hear his harsh, rapid, uneven breathing and then his final, strangled cry.

_I made him need to do that._

Lily curled up and buried her face in his pillow. It smelled like him. She heard the shower turn on and an evil part of her hoped it was cold water running over his body. It didn’t take him long in the shower—he emerged with a dark blue towel wrapped around his waist. She averted her eyes. Maybe if she didn’t move he wouldn’t take notice of her, naked, on his bed.

“Where are my specs?”

“Here.” She handed them to him.

“You can actually get in that bed, you know. You don’t have to lie there without any blankets.”

“I’m really hot.”

“Shut your mouth, you stupid tease.”

Lily buried her grin in the pillow and began to pull back the blankets. She was beginning to feel self-conscious being naked while he was clothed. There was nothing to distract her now, not when he was all the way across the room by his bureau, yanking out some clothes to sleep in. Lily slammed her eyes shut—she still wasn’t ready to see him naked.

_Well that’s quite smart of you, considering he just had his fingers inside of you._

Lily frowned.

“What’s gone so wrong that your pretty face is all sad like that, Miss Evans?”

She rolled over to look at him and fixed him with a stern eye. “That was stupid of us, you know.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“No—listen. Your friends _hate_ me, James.”

He rolled his eyes. “They don’t _hate_ you, per se. Well—Sirius might. Remus told me you weren’t worth it. Peter told me to do what I want.”

“Remus said I wasn’t worth it?” Lily asked, affronted.

“He meant you weren’t worth a fight with Sirius.”

“Sodding Sirius,” Lily grumbled.

“He’s my best friend, Evans.” James toweled off his hair and threw the towel aside. He went to his closet and came out with a blanket, then collapsed on the couch with a groan.

“I can sleep on the couch.”

“Fuck no, Evans.”

“Why not, _Potter?_ ”

“‘Cause you’re naked. And you’ll have to get up and I’m not sure whether you’d put clothes on first. So then you’d be walking around naked while I got up to go to the bed. And then I’d see you naked. And then I’d have to fuck you. So if you want to get through the rest of the night with your virginity intact, I suggest you stay under those blankets.”

_You can do whatever you want to me,_ Lily thought. “I’d put on _clothes_ first.”

James didn’t respond. Then he tossed off his blanket and got up. Lily watched him walk around. He went to his chest of drawers and took out something, then crouched by the foot of the bed. He threw her knickers and one of his shirts at her.

“Goody! I love boy-shirts.”

“Whose shirts have you been wearing?”

“My secret lover’s. You might know him. His name is Sirius Black.”

James scowled at her. “That’s not funny, Evans.”

“Is too,” Lily said, yanking her knickers up. She donned his shirt—it smelled like his pillow. Like him. She pushed her blankets aside and went to join him on the couch.

“Two feet away, Evans.”

 

It was Lily’s turn to roll her eyes. She settled down on the opposite end from him and curled up as she had on his bed.

“Are you going to be okay, Lily?”

“I’m a big girl, James.”

“I meant about your mum.”

Lily bit her lip. “Should I be okay?”

James had his foot against the small of her back. He alternately flexed and pointed it. Lily arched against him. “Of course not. Evans—I can’t imagine what I’d do if my mum kicked me out.”

“Would your mum ever kick you out?”

James hesitated. “I…can’t see either of my parents telling me to get out. But it was unexpected, right?”

Lily shook her head. “I guess—I guess I saw it coming. It had to happen for me to go to school. Maybe…maybe I should go home and explain things again.”

“No. Don’t—if she makes you stay…”

Lily sighed.

“Hey, Evans?”

“What?”

“Will you go out with me?”

Lily smiled. “Absolutely not.”

“Miss Bitch, unless you want me to call you a slag, you’d best go out with me.”

“Well—okay, then.”

“That’s a relief.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t?”

James crawled over her and stepped on her leg. Lily winced but didn’t say anything. He laid down on top of her and Lily rolled over so they were chest-to-chest, their faces right next to each other. “You better fucking go out with me.”

“Don’t talk to me like that, Mr. Potter.”

“Sorry.”

He actually was. Lily laughed. “No—it’s okay.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s fine.” Lily paused. “I’m really happy right now, James.”

He didn’t say anything. 

“I’m not normally happy. Marlene says I sabotage myself—with you, I mean. Blokes, I mean. And she’s right, because I’ve never been able to…to do anything properly.”

“Is Marlene okay?”

_Why does he have to ask about her?_

“She’s okay. Jason McKinnon told her they couldn’t be together—two days after he told he wanted to start things up again.”

“That was a spectacular fall you had.”

Lily laughed and did her best to hit him in the chest.

“No, really. Sarah Mercer is talking to you and you just— _fall_. Bang. It was magnificent.”

“My mum almost killed me. You know, when I came home. I woke up at Sarah’s and it was just great, you know? My curfew was one. I told her I fell asleep at Marlene’s and she almost literally _took_ my head off.”

“And to think, all it took was a little shopping trip to get you kicked out."

“My arse is falling asleep, James.”

“Does that mean you’re getting a boner?”

Lily tired to knee him in the groin. “Whoa, whoa, Evans! What did we say about the hitting?”

“Nothing, as I recall.”

James shifted his weight. “Better?”

“Yes.”

“D’you know how long I’ve waited for this?” 

Lily blinked. “I didn’t—I didn’t really think you wanted that—anymore.”

James squeezed her sides. “Don’t say that, Evs.”

“You’re being way too sweet.”

“I’m just trying to make you happy.”

“Please don’t try, James.” 

“You’re going to go out with me, yeah?”

Lily smiled, hopefully enigmatically. “Can you please kiss me again?”

“You’re being way too forward.”

“ _Fuck_ you,” Lily said, poking him in the side.

“Are you trying to make me hard, you bitch?”

“So what if I am?”

James jerked his hips against hers. “Virginity, Lily.”

Lily was terrified to reach her hand up and brush his hair from his eyes. “You’re quite interested in me keeping my virginity.”

“I’m quite interested in _you_ keeping me.”

“You’re not normal.”

“I really need to get up early tomorrow.”

Lily hit him again. 

“We really need to work on this violence deal.”

“You should really just want to lie on top of this girl you’re about to date.”

“We’re not past dating, Evans?”

Lily wriggled under him. “James—I’m not normally like that, you know. No one’s ever even—no one’s _ever_ seen me naked, not even my family since I was like… _nine_. Not even Marlene.”

“Well that’d be really damn hot.”

“I’m serious, Potter.”

“I kind of liked seeing you naked, Evans.”

“James…”

“I kind of liked seeing you naked, _Lily._ ”

“You suck, James.”

“I liked…” He kissed her. “…making you come. I’ve never heard my name so many times.”

Lily pursed her lips. “Not even from the others?”

“Not even from the others.”

“That’s reassuring.”

“I aim to please.”

Lily nodded. James grinned. 

“So—you and Marlene, eh?”

“No! Me and Sarah, maybe—”

“You’d never!”

Lily leaned up on her elbows. “Excuse me! I so would! Me and Marlene talked about it right before we went to Jason McKinnon’s!”

“Oh did you now?”

“Yeah! We were wondering whether Sarah’s—you know, into girls. And Marlene asked me if I’d do anything with her.”

“And would you?” James raised an eyebrow.

“Well—okay, no. But that’s only because she likes girls!”

“You really know that?”

“We’re pretty sure.”

James nodded, staring past her head.

“What?”

“She is. Into girls. Maybe—maybe Miriam, too.”

Lily sat up fully. “ _What?_ ”

“It’s why Miriam and Sirius and broke up, Evans. I—I saw Miriam and Sarah together. I told Sirius.”

“Unbelievable!”

“It was really hot, actually.”

Lily smiled.

“Would you really, Lily?”

She knew what he meant. “I…don’t know. Maybe.”

“That’s hot.”

“You think everything’s hot.”

“Honestly, James. Can we sleep?”

James scrambled back. “Yeah. Go to bed.”

Lily got off the couch. Her shirt was pulled up over her thighs and she pulled it down. She heard James sigh in disappointment. Lily had never in her life felt as happy as she did at that moment. A part of her worried that she needed someone else so much in order to be truly happy, but she pushed the thought away and got into James’s bed.

“This is the best bed, James.”

“Good luck with my dad tomorrow, Evans.” Was it just Lily, or did he sound like he was smiling? She really wished he never found out when she applied to Potter Enterprises. It didn’t matter now, not when her motives for trying to be his friend were inconsequential.

“Good night, James.”

“Good night, Evs.”

**……**

The first familiar face Lily saw when she entered the ornate lobby of Potter Enterprises was that of Daniel Carrow, a boy who had finished Hogwarts at the end of June. Lily knew him from Prefect meetings—they had always been friendly.

“Daniel!” she called out, waving frantically to him across the lobby. He looked good—so very good.

_Not as good as James,_ she though happily.

Happily.

She had been waiting for this for so long.

“Hey! I never knew you wanted to work here, Daniel.”

“Yeah—hey, give me a hug!”

Lily reached up and put her arms around him. He hugged her tightly.

“What are _you_ doing here, Miss Lily Evans?”

“Interview!”

“Sounds exciting. Ready for Potter?”

Lily frowned. “For Potter?”

“Yeah,” Daniel said, stepping closer. Lily didn’t move away. “Potter sits in on daddy’s interviews. Gives advice on the good Hogwarts students. And—you know, the recruit deal.”

“Recruits?”

“Yeah—for the upcoming war. This company—it’s a front. Dumbledore’s involved and everything. Potter’s supposed to get recruits and all.”

Lily nodded. “Well—yeah, I suppose. Just—I’ve got to get to—”

“Oh, of course. Down a floor. Good luck.”

“Thanks.” Lily smiled at him and felt a brief flutter as he smiled at her. He turned to answer a pretty black-haired girl who called to him and Lily took the opportunity to leave. She decided to walk—it was only one floor. 

The stairs were not like Hogwarts’. They were simply normal stairs. Lily entered a tiny waiting room and stopped short when she saw the other people there. They were _all_ older than her by at least five years. Lily smiled tremulously and took a seat. She turned her head and glanced at the woman next to her.

“Er—is anyone inside?”

“They’re on the C’s.”

“Oh, thanks.”

Lily picked up a magazine and began to read. She put it back down. She crossed one leg, then the other. Lily sighed. Two more people went in and came back out over the next two hours. Lily glanced at her watch. It was almost eleven.

At eleven-thirty they called her inside. Lily jumped up and snatched her portfolio up from by her chair. She stepped into the room and immediately tucked her hair behind her ear. Arrayed before her was a long, curved table, behind which seven people were sitting. James was one of them. Lily took a deep breath. To James’s left was a tall man with gray eyes and shock of white hair. To James’s right was a young witch, some thirty years old, steely-eyed and straight-backed. Lily could not look away from James—he had the strangest, coldest expression on his face.

“Miss Lily Evans, seventeen years old, entering Year Seven at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,” James said, sounding quiet bored.

“Good morning,” Lily said.

“Good morning, Miss Evans. My name is Elphias Dodge,” said the wizard at the rightmost end of the table.

“Dorcas Meadowes,” said the witch, raising her right hand. Lily’s head jerked up—this was Bethany’s cousin.

“Edgar Bones,” said the leftmost wizard.

“Rupert Vere.”

“Augustus Rookwood.”

“Chandler Potter,” said the man sitting at the center of the table. “And—”

“James Potter,” James said. “But you _knew that_.”

Lily nodded. What on earth was going on here? She had left before James had woken and gone right over to Miriam’s. She had left a note. Perhaps he hadn’t seen it.

“We’d like to ask you a few questions, Miss Evans,” said Dorcas Meadowes. “Please have a seat.”

Lily sat down in the uncomfortable chair beside her. She shifted around, trying to ease the pain in her back.

“Why are you interested in working for Potter Enterprises?”

“The work interests me,” Lily said immediately. “I enjoy it—I’m good at it, if I may take the liberty to say so. It would be a wonderful opportunity to begin a career. This is a place where I can grow and evolve—where I can get better. I know I can make a difference here.”

“It requires great strength of character to work here, Miss Evans,” said the wizard Vere. “Do you think you have the necessary qualities to handle this kind of work?”

“I do,” Lily said. “I know I do. I have a strong personality and I have the ability to do enormous amounts of work under enormous amounts of pressure…”

Lily disliked talking about herself in such a way, but she knew she had to in order to get this kind of job. They traded these kinds of routine questions and answers for the next twenty minutes. Lily didn’t really think they got anywhere until the last question Chandler Potter asked her.

“Are you a loyal person, Miss Evans?”

Lily paused. She looked over at James’s impassive face. “To a fault,” she said quietly.

“Thank you, Miss Evans.”

“One more question, please,” James said immediately. Apparently this was not unusual, because no one looked surprised. No one was paying attention either; all the others were marking off points on the papers before them. 

“When you sent in your application on July 18, 1977—were you fully aware of what this job entails?”

Lily narrowed her eyes at him. “Absolutely.”

“Thanks.” James stopped talking for a moment. “That’s cleared up a lot for me.”

“You may go, Miss Evans. We’ll break for a quick lunch now—it’s noon,” Lily heard as she turned to leave. She got all the way up to the lobby when James caught up with her.

“Why the fuck’d you lie to me, Lily?”

“Come on, Potter—it’s not a big deal.”

“Is that why you started to talk to me? That day at the lake after the Transfiguration exam last year—”

“It wasn’t Transfiguration. It was Charms.”

“ _That_ isn’t the point, Lily. Is that why you talked to me? Because you wanted an in at—at my _dad’s_ company?”

Lily couldn’t see any way out except to tell the truth. She pulled him over to a more secluded corner of the lobby. “Okay—fine. Yeah, that’s why.”

“And in Diagon Alley,” James said, looking desperate. “Then, too?”

Lily saw her choices illuminated perfectly—two different and drastic choices. She could tell him she liked him—but he seemed so likely to want to leave her now—she knew suddenly, without a doubt, that he would. He was going to break it off with her. He was going to—and if she told him now…that she liked him so much she had worked up the courage to talk to him…she would look pathetic. Yes, she had tried to talk to him because of his dad, but also because she wanted to _talk_ to him. What good could that ever do her now?

“Yes—then, too. Because of your dad.”

“Well that’s fucking fantastic, Lily. Even how you—you sent me that note before I sent you one—”

“All of it, James. Almost all of it.”

James ran his fingers through his hair. “Lily—why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you ask me earlier? Why didn’t you mention it when I was in your room and I suggested this—” he gestured around the lobby, “—to you?”

“I don’t know, James.”

“You don’t _know?_ Please tell me that’s a joke, Lily.”

“I do—I do… _fancy_ you, James. And after last night, after everything this summer—you’ve been such a good friend—”

“A friend, yes,” James said flatly. “That’s hilarious. Last night—and I’m still a _friend_. I thought you—” He cut himself off and frowned, tugging at his hair.

“Tell me, James,” she demanded.

“I thought you had a different opinion of me.”

“A different…”

“Yes! A different opinion! I thought you’d realized I wasn’t such a prick anymore—and I was, Lily! There—I admit it—I was a sodding little shit. But you don’t—you don’t really care about me changing. Not really—you just want me to…you were going to use me!”

“I did, technically.”

James stared at her, breathing hard. “Holy shit—I never thought Sirius _and_ Remus could be right at the same time.”

Lily pushed her hair away from her face. “What are you on about, James? You’re the recruit-man, anyways. Daniel told me.”

“Daniel? _Daniel?_ Daniel _Carrow_ _?_ What the fuck is it with him? So what—I recruit! Is that a bad thing? At least I’m honest about it—if I’d been recruiting you, Lily, you would have known it! I would have told you!”

“James—”

“That’s an insult, Lily. That’s a horrendous, horrible insult. For a minute I thought—I thought your motives wouldn’t matter. But I guess you don’t trust me as much as we thought.”

“Don’t be stupid, James—”

“You best go back to calling me Potter, Miss Evans. And you’d better be glad we didn’t _fuck_ last night. We’re done. As of this moment, we’re _done_.” He let go of her wrist— _when_ had he grabbed it? He turned from her and strode purposefully back downstairs, his finely cut robes flying out behind him.

Lily had never been so angry at another person in her life. _How dare he_? she thought. _How dare he ever—ever—make so many terrible assumptions about me?_

And again, beneath it all came the knowledge that once more, she had done the worst possible thing she could ever do. Lily had never regretted her actions before—only her lack of action. James had managed to change that. The familiar regret washed over her, and she threw a hand over her eyes to block the tears. She glared her tears away before Disapparating back to Miriam’s.

**……**

**Stay tuned for Chapter Five: Cream and Becky Denby’s Interlude.**

**Feedback is very, very much appreciated. Beyond all possible belief, actually.**


	6. Chapter Five: Cream

**Chapter Five: Cream**

**{ _Always Love,_ by Nada Surf}**

_\--acceptance, tolerance, healing—_

**……**

_September of 1977_

“James—Remus—you’re going to be late!”

“Coming, Mum!” James yelled out his bedroom door, and then he resumed searching for his favorite boxers. Remus was doing his best to shut his trunk over an assortment of first aid materials.

“A little help, please?” he said breathlessly, throwing James an exasperated look.

“You’ve got a wand.”

Remus gritted his teeth. “And what spell, exactly, do you suggest I use?”

James rolled his eyes. “Perhaps one to _seal_ the trunk shut.”

“Don’t be stupid—you can’t seal something shut unless it’s already closed. Come on, you arse.”

James got up from his hands and knees and joined Remus by the heavy trunk. Remus always kept a ready supply of first aid materials in the dorm in case any of the boys needed a quick fix, and the trunk was overflowing with bandages, heal-potions, cotton swabs, some spools of thread, and a box of needles (even Sirius, at times, had to be more precise than his wand would allow and sew up a wound). James put his hands flat on the lid of the trunk and he and Remus strained to shut it. The lid shut with a _snick!_ and Remus whipped out his wand. “ _Colloportus_ _!”_ The trunk squelched shut.

“There. I’ve still got no idea where my boxers are, Moony.”

“Perchance Lily took them,” Remus said mildly, his lips twitching at the sides. James frowned.

“That’s far from funny. You really should be nice to me today.”

“Ah, yes. I do owe you.”

James was taking Remus to the train station, as his parents were in Russia. 

“Plus it’s my first day as esteemed Head Boy. So—be nice.”

“I’m being perfectly nice—you really need to stop acting like a girl and asking me to be nice, though.”

“You are _not_ being nice,” James said, glaring at Remus.

“You’re the one who cocked things up with Evans, not me.”

James groaned. “Don’t _remind_ me. I was so close, Moony! So close! I’m a fuck-up, is all. I’ll be lucky if she ever speaks to me again. I can’t believe I—I really need to be lucky, right?”

“Luckier than lucky. Whatever, Prongs. She’s not worth the trouble right now. Maybe in a little while. _Maybe_.”

“JAMES! REMUS!”

“COMING!” Remus called back. He flicked his wand at his trunk and it rose several inches into the air. James followed suit and they exited the room, rushing down the steps and into the foyer. 

“What _were_ you doing upstairs, boys? You’ve only twenty minutes and you have to get from The Leaky Cauldronto Kings’ Cross—honestly—”

“Bye, Mum,” James said, rolling his eyes. He leaned forward to hug her and Annabelle pulled him close. She leaned up four inches to kiss him on the cheek.

“You behave, James. Live up to the badge.”

“You’d think I was a disgrace, the way she carries on,” James mumbled, shooting Remus an exasperated look. Remus was taking his own hug from James’s mum.

“Thanks for letting me tag along,” he said.

“Not a problem—none at all.” Annabelle smiled at Remus, then at James. “Your father’s in the parlor by the fire. Come on now—go ahead. Oh—James, I need to give you something. Wait here, it’s in the kitchen.”

Remus went into the parlor and James waited for his mother to return from the kitchen. He heard Remus cry out the name of the pub just as James’s mother entered the room again.

“James? It’s time to go!”

“He’s coming, Chandler!” Annabelle called. “Here, James.” She held out a silver bracelet with a multitude of charms dangling off the silver links.

“What’s this?”

“Your friend Marlene must have dropped it yesterday. It wasn’t in the kitchen before she came but it was on the floor after she left.”

James held out his hand and Annabelle dropped the bracelet into his waiting palm. He closed his hand around the sharp, jagged edges of the charms. “I love you, James. I’ll see you for Christmas.” She threw her arms about him.

“ _James!”_

“I’ve got to go, Mum.”

“Yes, yes.” She kissed him on the cheek and let him go. James rushed into the parlor and followed his father to The Leaky Cauldron, then raced out into Muggle London. They made it to the train station, found trolleys, and burst through the barrier and onto Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters with seven minutes to go. James was just about to jump onto the train after Remus when his father put a hand on his shoulder.

_Here we go._

“I don’t need to tell you to behave this year, not with that badge you’ve got.”

James said nothing, but he looked straight at his father’s face, unflinchingly. Chandler Potter was regarding James with the most curious look in his eyes, a look James rarely saw. Then—it was gone. James frowned.

“Be careful around that Evans girl, James. I swear—if I weren’t bound to uphold all contractual employment acceptances—”

James sighed. “It’s fine, Dad. I’ve got to go.”

“Of course you do.” Chandler clapped James on the shoulder. “Go on, then. I’ll see you for Christmas.”

It was exactly what his mother had said to him. James couldn’t help but smile. “Bye, Dad!” He was on the train like a shot, rushing away from his father and home and tripping on his way into his friends’ compartment.

“That _sucked._ ”

“What’d he say?” Sirius asked, watching as James shoved his trunk onto the overhead rack.

“He told me to stay away from Lily, basically.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “What—why? And are you going to listen?”

“This is quite the story. I’d get ready for a heart attack if I were you,” said Remus, kicking Sirius’s legs so he would get out of the way.

James had not seen Sirius or Peter since his night with Lily. He had only this morning told Remus what had happened that night and over the past few days

Peter grunted as James stumbled over his feet to get to the seat by the window. “Well—you’re not going to like it.”

“You banged Evans!”

“No—Padfoot, don’t be stupid. She’s not a slag!”

“She came over with her stupid effing tears and her sob story and you shagged her, yeah? Idiot—what’d she do, tell you she was sorry it happened? Stupid bitch—”

James waited patiently. “Are you quite done?” he asked when Sirius took a breath.

“Sure! Why not? I can be done. I can stop giving you any advice at all, since you don’t listen to me anyways.” Sirius stubbornly looked away from James.

“We didn’t shag.”

“Aha! But you did _something!”_

“Of course we did—”

“Idiot.”

“Yeah, I fucking am,” James said, and Sirius stopped at his angry tone.

“All right then, out with it. Tell me.”

James glanced at Peter, who looked quite sullen that Sirius had said ‘me’ and not ‘us’, as Peter had not heard the story either. James faced both of his friends. “I hooked up with Evans again.”

No one said anything.

“ _And?”_ Sirius demanded. “How far did you go?”

“Third.”

“She went _down on you?_ ” Sirius’s face was aghast—not disgusted or horrified, but surprised.

“Third for _her_.”

Peter counted off on his fingers. “French-Feel-Finger—that’s all?” 

James rolled his eyes. “It seemed like more than enough at the time.”

“Did you see her starkers?”

“Yeah.”

Sirius very much looked like he wanted to ask what she looked like, but he held his tongue. James knew he was physically biting down to keep from asking him.

“She’s like a fucking wet dream personified, mate. Dammit—I can’t believe I blew it!”

“You’re getting ahead of yourself,” Remus pointed out. “Tell the rest.”

James nodded. “Yeah—okay, so the next day I woke up and she was gone, just completely gone, except she left this note. And it was all sweet and everything and she wrote that she was glad whatever happened happened and she didn’t regret it—that I was really growing on her and it was…so damn nice. She said it didn’t matter how we got where we were, just that we were there—I thought that was pretty weird and out there, but whatever. So I got ready and me and Dad when to the Company. You know, we got prepared for interviews. I had all the files in front of me and of course I went to look at Lily’s first…”

“ _And?”_ demanded Peter.

“She applied to work there in the middle of July—that’s a month before I mentioned working there to her.”

“So?”

“Don’t you see, Padfoot? The only reason she started to talk to me was—”

“Bloody _bitch_!”

“That’s what I thought! It was my first reaction and I was dwelling and dwelling as we went through the applicants—then Lily walked in and—and I was so terrible to her, so mean—she must have thought I was stark raving _mad_.”

“Keep going!” Peter said, leaning forward. 

“So we finished and broke from lunch and I ran after her—I yelled at her right there in the lobby. I asked her if the only reason she talked to me in the first place at all was to get a job and she said—she said _yes_. She looked so odd, mates. So odd, like she had no idea what was going on, really. Then she mentioned Carrow.”

“Daniel Carrow?” Peter asked sharply.

“Yes. I got bloody jealous, of course, imagine—her talking to _Carrow_ _!_ I told her we were done.”

“I still don’t get how you blew it,” Sirius said. “Sounds like she’s the one who fucked up.”

Remus snorted.

“Oh, I’m not done. I owled Marlene Rosier, then.”

“Oh boy.”

“Exactly. She came over yesterday.”

“And…?”

“What do you think? I asked her what she thought and she told me I’d screwed up phenomenally. Those exact words, she used. She gave me so much insight into Lily—I mean, I guess she thought I _knew_ how she felt, and everything, and that it wouldn’t matter how she started talking to me. And that’s when her note made sense, saying she was glad we were where we were.”

“How’d you fuck up?”

“Because I—I really _don’t_ care, Padfoot. I don’t care why she started talking to me, especially since I know that’s not why she hooked up with me. I could _tell_ —it was real. And Marlene said Lily’s furious with me and disappointed and completely disillusioned because I didn’t get her—she thought I understood her.”

Sirius sighed. “I didn’t think,” James muttered miserably. “I don’t really care. I shouldn’t care—it shouldn’t really matter. But it gets worse.”

“What?” asked Sirius, sitting back against the seat.

“My dad overheard me telling Marlene that Lily stayed over at the house. And he was so— _so mad_. He thinks badly of her now—but he’s already signed the letter accepting her to company—those go out in a week. He’s bound now, he can’t back out—he’s so hacked off. He scared me. He keeps telling me I shouldn’t talk to loose girls like that. He’s disgusted with her now—he doesn’t even know her.”

Sirius swiped his hair back from his forehead. “How come you fuck shit up all the time, Prongs?”

“I’ve _no_ idea.”

“Okay—so you’re screwed. It’s no big deal. Evans is bit closed-off, anyways. All the time.”

James ran his hand through his hair. “I suppose.”

“You don’t want someone like that,” said Remus quietly. James gave him a sidelong glance. Remus had not been malicious just then, but instead completely honest.

“I want her.” It seemed so _simple_ to James. He wanted Lily. He could still go after her. She would probably kill him, but that threat had never stopped him before.

“You don’t want her as she is,” said Peter. He paused and met James’s eyes. “You want the challenge of changing her. You want to make her feel good about herself.”

“That was pretty deep, Wormtail. Been swallowing any strange potions that we don’t know about?” Sirius stuck his elbow in Peter’s ribs. Peter didn’t laugh, but he smiled after a moment, looking out the window in the compartment door, and said nothing. 

“I need to go sit in the Prefects’ compartment. I’m already late—perfect way to start out the year.”

“So get going,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

It took all of ten minutes for James to reach the Prefects’ compartment. He paused outside the door and then rolled his eyes. “Pansy,” he muttered, steeling himself. He pushed open the door and froze as Lily Evans and twenty-two Prefects looked up at him.

“You’re late,” Lily said quietly, and she punctuated her statement with a file-folder slamming onto the small table before her.

“Sorry,” James said to the whole room, shutting the door behind him. “What’s going on right now?”

“We started without you,” Lily continued, as if he hadn’t asked anything.

“That’s fine.”

Lily frowned. “Well—we’re just going over basic rules right now for the new Prefects. Then we’ll assign patrols.”

James nodded. “Sounds good.”

“You want to actually _join_ the meeting?” a sixth-year Hufflepuff said, staring at James as if he were mad. James realized he was still standing right next to the door and he nodded again, striding forward and through the Prefects to get to Lily.

She raised one eyebrow at him and turned back to the Prefects.

“You all know James.”

James blinked. She was still calling him _James?_

There was a general expression of assent from those gathered and James gave them all a small wave. “Hey. Hope you all had a good summer—this year’s going to be a bit different from now on—especially with Hogsmeade visits.”

Lily said nothing. James gave her a sidelong glance, but she was focused on something in her plain folder.

“You are all required to go to every Hogsmeade visit and patrol in shifts—”

“Come on now! That’s not fair!”

“We should get to have fun too—”

“Bollocks, who came up with that daft rule—”

“Shut it!” James snapped.

“You’re all Prefects. It’s your job to _do your job,_ not bitch and moan about what you’re supposed to do.” Lily glared around the room. “Got that?”

She was met with silence and several grudging nods

“Moving on,” James said, taking a step away from Lily, fearing her coldness would…infect him, or something. “Some of you have done this before, but there are eight new fifth year Prefects—”

“You too, technically,” said the same sixth-year Hufflepuff who had been so rude to James when he entered.

“Pardon?” James asked, surprised.

“You only became a Prefect at the very end of last year. You missed the only meeting you were a Prefect _for._ ”

“Right,” said James after a moment. “Er…”

“You’ve got less experience than I do,” the Hufflepuff continued, glancing at the smirking Slytherin beside him.

“If you don’t want to be bloody Prefect,” Lily burst out, “you can get out of here immediately. Your job right now is to listen to us, not act like a stupid child.”

She glared at everyone again and James bit his lip when he saw the tears gathering there. He made a jerky motion toward her but then clenched his fists, watching her chest rise and fall. 

He wondered how Lily’s mother was doing.

“Excuse me,” Lily said quietly, placing her folder down with a deliberate motion. She maneuvered around James, making sure not to touch him. James stepped back to give her space and watched with the rest of the Prefects as she left the compartment.

“Nice going,” the Hufflepuff’s female counterpart whispered, giggling.

James ran a hand through his hair. “A note on respect,” he said quietly, catching everyone’s attention. “You all respect us, and we’ll respect you. No bickering, no fighting, no name-calling—”

He heard snickers from some of the Slytherins in the back. He did one of the hardest things he had ever done and tuned them out.

“Now,” James continued, picking up Lily’s folder. “Where were we?”

**……**

The first week of James’s last year at Hogwarts dragged on for ages. He was thoroughly disgusted with Potions and Slughorn by the second day and completely sick of Herbology when the second week began.

“I’m going to fucking die,” James groaned, collapsing on his bed on the twelfth of September.

“No, you aren’t,” Peter muttered, turning his back to James and pulling off his school shirt. James wasn’t really watching, anyway. He was too busy wondering how hard it would be to reach over and grab the Marauders’ Map from the floor by the bed to search for Remus and Sirius. 

Deciding it wasn’t worth the effort, James sighed and stared up at the top of his canopy. 

“I saw you talking to Evans today.”

“It was nothing.”

“She looked upset.”

James paused. “Doesn’t she always?”

Peter glanced at James from the corner of his eye. “This first week, yeah. I didn’t think you meant _that_ much to her.”

James snorted.

“No offense,” Peter added. 

It had been a three-minute-and-forty-five-second conversation about Prefects. Lily had been distant and distracted and completely disinterested. 

“Serves me right,” James whispered.

“Hmm?”

The door to the dormitory opened wide and Remus strode in, followed by Sirius.

“You bloody wanker!” Remus cried, pointing at James.

Sirius shoved past him. “You hooked up with Marlene!”

James sat up so fast his glasses slid down his nose and dangled of his ears. “What?!”

“You’re a whore, Prongs,” Sirius said, shaking his head.

Remus grinned. “I’m sorry to say I’m quite proud.”

“Listen,” James began, shoving his glasses back on.

“Listen? _Listen?_ ” Sirius threw his hands up in the air. “You are slowly ruining my chances of ever shagging _any_ moreGryffindor girls in our year!”

“Pardon? There’s always Beth! And Miriam and Sarah! ” _At the same time,_ James thought. He glanced at Peter. He rather didn’t feel like sharing in front of him _or_ Remus.

“How’d you find out, anyway?”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “She mentioned she had lost her charm bracelet. That she’d taken it off while hooking up with this bloke.”

James cleared his throat. He slid a leg slowly to the floor.

“Oh, no,” Sirius said. “Don’t even think about it, Prongs.”

His left leg joined his right. 

Sirius slammed the door shut. 

James jumped up and drew his wand. “I’ve got to go talk to Marlene, now,” he said quietly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “Oh, fine.” He rolled his eyes and stepped aside. James brushed past him and clattered down the stairs to the common room.

_What if Marlene told Lily?_

James didn’t even want to think about it. He made a mental note to return Marlene’s bracelet; it was somewhere upstairs in a drawer. When he reached the foot of the stairs, he looked around and found Marlene sitting by the fire with Lily, both of them staring into space, silent.

He approached quietly. “Er…hey.”

Both Lily and Marlene glanced up, a bit surprised.

“Could I…talk to you for a sec, Marlene?”

Lily’s eyes narrowed the _slightest_ bit; James ignored her and waited for Marlene to respond.

“Okay.”

“Privately,” James continued. He glanced at Lily, who didn’t react.

“Let’s go over here,” Marlene said, rising from her armchair and leading him over to one of the chess sets someone had donated for general use. They sat on opposite sides of the small table. The pieces were so old the magic was barely working. James didn’t bother to argue with his first pawn—he simply moved it with his fingers.

“I don’t want to play,” Marlene said, crossing her arms.

“Oh. Sorry. Habit.”

She shrugged.

James nodded and scratched his nose. “So you told Sirius and Remus about your bracelet?”

Marlene nodded. “They saw Lily’s and said it looked really familiar. I told them I had one but I lost it at some bloke’s house.” She winced. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t really thinking about what I was saying.”

“That’s obvious,” James said. He sighed. “Well…could you—I’d appreciate if you…”

“I wouldn’t _ever_ tell Lily what happened, James. Really.” Marlene kept her eyes on his, her gaze steady, her words so hypnotic, so honest.

“It wasn’t that bad,” James joked. 

For the first (and last) time in his life, James saw Marlene Rosier blush. “You’re such a flirt,” she muttered, and she looked away, towards Lily. She bit her lip. “You were so bad to her,” she whispered, turning back to look at him.

“She did her part, too,” he replied after a moment.

Marlene shook her head. “She’s not—she’s so—you can’t blame her, James. She’s never had anyone treat her like she mattered before—”

“Of course she has—”

“Not the way you did. She was so _scared_ to ever accept an invitation from you, all those times you asked her out. I think she…she always thought it was a bit of a cruel joke. No matter how much I tried to convince her it wasn’t.”

James rolled his eyes.

“It’s the way she _thinks,_ ” Marlene snapped. “You can’t really fault her for that! She never learned to have any self-confidence, and then when she finally did, you completely ruined it!” She paused, catching her breath. “James—what does it matter if she only wanted to talk to you so she could use you? That’s not how it ended.”

James shook his head. “I _know_ I screwed up, okay? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Just—please—don’t tell Lily what we did.”

“You should talk to her, you know. So there aren’t any misunderstandings.”

“We’re way ahead of you,” James said, laughing. “Misunderstandings—ha! This entire…fiasco has been about misunderstandings.”

Marlene just stared at him. “Sirius is trying to get your attention,” she finally said. James looked over his shoulder and swore when he almost squashed his face into Sirius’s chest. When he turned back to Marlene, she was gone. She was, once again, with Lily.

“I’d fancy an explanation,” Sirius said lightly, sitting down across from James.

James scowled.

“Don’t be childish.”

James stuck his tongue out. 

“You are such a prick,” said Sirius on a laugh. He moved a pawn to counter James’s earlier move.

“I don’t feel like playing chess, anymore,” said James. He stared down at the tops of pieces before him.

“Prongs.”

Sirius waited in silence. James didn’t look up at him.

“Look—I’m sorry I didn’t…I’m sorry I didn’t accept her. But it’s a good thing, yeah? Now it can be just the four of us this year. No drama.”

James blinked. He looked up. “Yeah,” he finally said. “Okay.”

**……**

_Would you just talk to him?_

Lily sent Marlene an irritated look and snatched up her quill. 

_Would you just talk to Jason?_

She made sure Slughorn wasn’t looking and carefully lobbed the crumpled up note back at Marlene. Marlene grabbed it before James, her partner for the day, could pick it up and look at it. She read the note, narrowed her eyes, and gave Lily a dirty look. She tossed it underneath her cauldron and the parchment crinkled as it caught fire.

“What’s that?” James said, panic in his voice. The class was brewing a potion that was particularly volatile and the sound of anything burning could mean a terrible disaster was coming.

“Nothing, James. Go back to watching to potion.” James made a face but turned back to the potion without another word. Marlene took out a fresh piece of parchment and used her new, eagle-feather quill to write another note.

_If you just spoke to him I’m sure he’d throw you right down and shag you._

Lily clapped a hand over her eyes. A moment later she handed her partner the vial of belladonna. “Add three drops,” she said, already concentrating on her reply.

_Don’t tease me with that thought. Can you just drop it?_

She threw the note over at Marlene, who missed. It skidded across the table and stopped in front of James, who looked down and picked it up.

“Wait!” Lily heard Marlene hiss. “Don’t read that!”

James looked at Marlene, an eyebrow raised. “Oh really? Why not?”

Marlene moved closer to James and said something Lily didn’t hear. James paled and handed the ball of parchment over. Marlene received it with a disdainful sniff. Lily rolled her eyes and went back to instructing her idiot partner. She watched Marlene from the corner of her eye, examining the dark circles under her eyes and her hunched posture. Marlene was a wreck all on her own just now—she didn’t need to be worrying about Lily.

When the bell finally rang everyone gathered up their books, quite carefully, and left their cauldrons to simmer overnight. Lily and Marlene went straight to Gryffindor tower to put their things away. 

“This has been the worst two weeks,” Lily said, kicking off her shoes and loosening her tie. 

“I know.” Marlene nudged one of the errant shoes over near Lily’s bed. “You and your stupid James drama. Jason. Miriam and Sirius and whatever the hell is going on with Sarah. Everyone needs to relax.”

“How’s Jason’s dad?” 

Marlene frowned. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Lily, propped up against her pillows, beckoned Marlene over. She climbed onto Lily’s bed and they curled up together so they could whisper—when the other girls came in, Lily and Marlene wouldn’t want to be overheard.

“He’s still not going to fucking work. He’s going to run that family into the ground, Lily.”

“I’m sorry you’re so sad, Marlene.”

“I’m ecstatic compared to you, Lils.”

Lily shook her head. “I’m sick of talking about me. We haven’t talked about you in too long. Just…tell me more about Jason. Tell me exactly what’s been going on.”

Marlene squeezed her eyes shut. “I knew something was wrong,” she said dully. “I _knew it_.” She paused and stared over Lily’s shoulder into nothingness. “The moment I spoke to him, I could tell.” 

Marlene bit her lip. “And then we were—we were on his sodding bed, Lily, when he stopped and said he was sorry, so sorry, but this was too _much_.”

Lily stroked Marlene’s hair back just as the door opened and Beth entered the room. She smiled at the two girls on the bed before Lily flicked her wand and shut her bedcurtains. 

“As soon as everything was going right! As soon as I thought I was going to have something really great going, something familiar and wonderful…his fucking father, I could kill him for being so selfish—he makes me so angry _!”_

“You can’t fault him for being depressed,” Lily ventured in a quiet voice.

“I can. I will. He’s ruining Jason. Ruining his future and his present. Jason’ll never love him the same again.” Marlene shook her head once more. “It’s like…it’s like I couldn’t stop listening to him talk about it, because I knew he wouldn’t talk about it to anyone else.”

“You mean so much to him, Marlene—naturally you’d be the only one—” 

Marlene sighed. “Then I shouldn’t have been so terrible. I shouldn’t have given him that…that _bloody_ ultimatum! But he won’t…I love him, Lily. Honestly. I love him.” 

Lily smiled. “I believe you.”

Marlene’s face was perfectly expressionless. “Stop it, Lily. Please leave me alone. I’m sorry. Please go—I—”

“No,” Lily whispered. “I’m staying. Take a nap, Marls. _I_ love you.”

Marlene gripped Lily’s shoulder in thanks. Her grip only slackened when she fell asleep. Lily watched her friend in slumber for a while, taking in the tears and the perfect skin and delicate nose. She kissed Marlene’s wet cheek and pulled up the throw blanket at the foot of the bed to cover her.

“Is she okay?” Miriam asked when Lily emerged from her curtains.

“Just overwhelmed. She’ll be fine. Where’s Sarah?”

Miriam shrugged, flipping through the pages of her magazine. “Dunno. She disappeared right after Care of Magical Creatures.”

Lily pulled her curtains closed to keep Marlene in peace. “What, did Kettleburn hit on her or something?”

Miriam giggled. “I heard he can’t even get it up anymore.”

Lily laughed. “And just how would someone know that?”

“By getting in the sack with him, I’d suppose.”

Lily made a gagging sound. “Please. Don’t make me sick.”

“Do you want to go to dinner?” Miriam asked, throwing her magazine aside.

Lily nodded and peeked behind the curtains on her bed to make sure Marlene was still sleeping. She jerked her head toward the door and Miriam followed her out onto the landing.

“I feel so bad for her.”

“She just needs sleep,” said Lily. “I’ll bring her some food later.”

They walked to the Great Hall in the awkward silence that always befell them when they were together alone for more than three minutes or so. Marlene was much better at talking to the other girls, while Lily watched from the sidelines. She dreaded spending an entire dinner hour with Miriam.

“There’s Sarah—she’s with…well, we’ll just sit over here, okay?” Miriam sent Lily a nervous smile and Lily returned it.

“Er—no, it’s fine. I’m actually just going to take some food up to Marlene.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. You go ahead.”

Sarah was sitting with James, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. Miriam walked over to them and Lily picked up a plate from the end of the table and heaped it with food. She glanced over at the faculty and waved at Professor Slughorn, then waited until he turned away to Disillusion the plate and pick up two forks and spoons. She watched James from under her lashes as she did so, swallowing a lump in her throat.

He didn’t look at her.

Not once.

_He really is done with me_ , Lily thought, strangely awed. She picked up her plate and walked mechanically from the room. She squeezed into the first niche she could find behind a suit of armor and set the full plate down.

The food was cold by the time she was done crying and everyone had left dinner. She performed a quick charm on her face, cleared her throat, and carried the food up to Marlene, who thanked Lily and said nothing about the inordinate amount of time Lily had taken, nor the obvious streak of running mascara that had made its way down to Lily’s neck.

**……**

The last two weeks of September continued in just that fashion; Lily had never gone through so many mood swings as she went through then. It took the slightest tilt of James’s or Marlene’s or Sirius’s or _anyone’s_ head away from her, and Lily really didn’t see the point of smiling anymore. 

It wasn’t healthy, and Lily knew that. She knew that she was slipping and her grades were falling. She had become too attached to the _idea_ of finally having someone to be with. The mere thought of what she was missing—the ability to throw her arms around James, her put her hand on his thigh, or kiss him hello and goodbye—it made her unbelievably sad...she couldn’t have that with him.

She couldn’t have that with anyone.

She was quite alone. James didn’t want anything to do with her; that much was clear by the way he ignored her. He was perfectly content with his life at the moment. He never looked at her or made an effort to speak to her outside of the necessary small talk needed to complete their tasks as Head Boy and Girl. He wasn’t going mad, not like she was. He wasn’t agonizing over what to do, not like she was.

She kept running into Sirius Black. She was quite sure he wasn’t following her (that would be absurd) and that it was merely coincidence, but it unsettled her nonetheless. Right around the end of September Lily was doing rounds by herself—for she and James never did them together, even though they were supposed to—when she literally ran into Black.

“Ow,” she muttered, rubbing her squashed nose. “Hello.”

Black nodded. “Yeah. Hey. Pardon me—I’ve got to get through.”

Lily stepped with him to cut him off. “And where, exactly, do you think you’re going?”

“I just had detention. Sluggy kept me late.”

“And you’re heading down toward the Entrance Hall instead of up from the dungeons because….?”

Sirius’s impatient gaze turned into an all-out glare. “Look, Evans—I’ve got something important to do—”

“Tell it to Potter. I can’t just let you—”

“I’m not taking the mickey, I really mean that I’ve got somewhere to be! About three hours ago, thank you!”

“Well then perhaps you should have gone then and you could’ve avoided me doing my rounds.”

“I fell asleep—sorry if that offends you. But now I’ve got to get outside. And I do mean now!”

“If you’re stupid enough to walk right into the Head Girl, then—”

“ _This_ is why no one likes you!” Black exclaimed, throwing up his hands. “Because you can be so uptight!”

“I’m not uptight,” Lily snapped. “I let plenty of people by. I just happen to dislike you.”

“You’re just bitter, is all,” Sirius said viciously, taking a step toward her. Lily dug her fingernails into her palms and stood her ground, holding his angry gaze. “Bitter about James. You deserve it, after what you did to him—”

Something cracked within her and Lily stepped back, breaking their stare. 

His mouth was set and she tried not to cower before his sudden rage. How volatile he was…how rash…how mad—utterly and completely mad but sane at the same time.

“I don’t want to talk about it with you,” Lily managed archly. “Go on, go do what you need to do.”

“You could just say fuck pride and talk to him, you know,” Sirius continued, ignoring her.

“I _said_ you can _go._ ”

Sirius scoffed. “Daft. You’re completely daft, the both of you.”

“Get out of here, Black,” Lily said, her voice barely trembling. “Now. You said you needed to go now.”

He shoved past her and she sidestepped him to avoid toppling over. She frowned after his back.

They were both daft, were they? _Both_ of them? 

Not just her?

Lily couldn’t help but smile.

…… 


	7. Chapter Six: Azure

**Chapter Six: Azure**

**{ _Azure,_ by Ella Fitzgerald}**

\-- _royalty_ _, beauty, serenity, air, chameleon, Venus--_

**……**

_October 1977_

Lily and James had planned during the first week of school to meet every other week to discuss their duties as Head Boy and Girl, and Lily found herself waiting for him to come over near the fire in the common room one evening in early October. He was sitting on the opposite side of the room, obviously telling a hilarious story to his friends. Lily’s eyes were fixated on his arms, his hands—his fingers.

She shivered and tore her gaze away, shifting her thighs. She shut her eyes and pressed her fingertips to the bridge of her nose, trying to recall exactly how that night in his bedroom had felt. She couldn’t. She simply couldn’t duplicate the feeling of the way he had _looked_ at her, and then the way he had done exactly what she wanted, what she didn’t know she wanted.

“Sorry. Got caught up. What’s on the agenda today?”

He was in an abnormally good mood. Lately he had not been sullen, but instead…quiet. He had been much quieter than he used to be, and Lily didn’t dare assume that it was her absence in his life that had caused this taciturn side of James to rise to the surface. She hadn’t had that much of an effect on him. 

Tonight, however, he was breathtakingly _normal._ Lily smiled before she even knew what she was doing and pushed her notes over to him.

“Point deductions are at a record high. Seems the students are acting up.”

The smiled slowly disappeared from his face when she said nothing else. He sighed and looked down at the parchments. 

“Guess we’ll have to talk to the Prefects. If they’re not careful they’ll get the privilege to take points taken away.”

“Well then I suppose we can say goodbye to that,” said Lily, scratching out a doodle on the corner of the parchment. “Professor Dumbledore also wanted us to hand out sign-up sheets for patrols the first Hogsmeade visit.”

“Okay.”

“That’s really it,” Lily said, setting her quill carefully to the side. “You can go back, now.”

“Okay,” he repeated. “I”ll see you later, Lily.”

“See you, James.”

He rose and pushed in his chair. Before he had taken one step away from the table Lily called out, “Wait!”

Several people looked over, but no one paid them any more attention. James turned to look back at her. “Hmm?”

“Can we…can we talk, James?”

His eyebrows drew together. “I don’t really…”

“Not about _that_. Not about our…issue, or whatever. Just talk. In general.”

He nodded, looking utterly perplexed. He sat back down. “Sure, Lily.”

Where had this momentary burst of courage come from? 

And now what?”

He seemed to know. “How’s your mum?” His voice was quiet and intimate. Lily wanted to hug him. 

“Sucky,” she replied instead. “She’s depressed and bitter and she’s going to quit her job.”

James bit his lip. “Like McKinnon.”

Lily’s head shot up. “Pardon?”

“Jason McKinnon’s father? He’s stopped going to work.”

“I…I didn’t know people knew that,” said Lily faintly. She glanced around the room but Marlene was not there.

“It’s hot gossip. They’re a pretty important family.”

“I suppose.”

They paused together.

“So,” James said. “Your mum. Not going to go back to work?”

Lily sighed. “Petunia…my sister—she asked me to come home for a weekend and use my magic on Mum to make her better.”

James’s eyebrows raised a ridiculous amount. “Oh, really?”

“I said no, of course.”

“What? Why?”

“My mum doesn’t _like_ magic right now. She wouldn’t want me using it on her!”

“She doesn’t have to know.” James stretched his arms (hands! fingers!) out and crossed them behind his head, leaning back in his chair.

“It’s wrong. I told Petunia so. And I wouldn’t know what to do, anyway. I wouldn’t know how to make it last. Petunia told me not to write home until I was going to help.”

“I’m sorry, Lily.”

“Well, you know…life and all that. Sucks.”

He laughed a little. “So what about your dad?”

“He has to work all the time—because there’s only one income, yeah? Petunia’s applying for a job as a secretary at some company that makes drills—they’re things Muggles use for building to make holes and…drill in nails—and she might get it, so that’ll help.”

“Lots of stress, eh? Well, Lily—I’ve really gotta go.”

“Oh. Oh, yes! Of course. Go ahead. Sorry to keep you.”

She waited a moment as he got to his feet.

“One more thing.”

“Yeah?”

“I am so, so, _so_ sorry.”

He fixed her with a level stare. “For keeping me after, you mean.”

Lily shook her head. He let out a breath and, once more, sat back down.

“You—” he began, his forehead wrinkled in thought. “You…you don’t have as much to be sorry for as I do.”

She held her breath, waiting to see what he said next. 

“ _I_ am sorry,” he finally said. “I knew by then that whatever…whatever you started talking to me for, you still wanted…wanted…damn!” He ruffled his hair. “Sorry. I can’t even _speak_ properly right now. I’m really tired.”

Lily didn’t know what to say. Nothing seemed adequate. “Could we please just be friends?”

James nodded slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.”

Lily smiled slightly. “Well…now you can go for real.” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Lily.” He paused, looked like he wanted to say something else, and then gave her a rueful smile before he walked back to his friends.

Lily’s smile instantly disappeared—they were supposed to do rounds later that night.

_See you_ tomorrow.

Lily shoved her parchments into her bag and went up to her room until it was time for her patrols. 

**……**

“You are such a twit, Lily.”

“Oh, terribly funny, Marlene. Oh yes, you _amaze_ me by stating the bloody _ob_ vious every chance you _poss_ ibly get.”

“No, you imbecile—I mean he obviously wanted you to say something about rounds!”

Lily stopped pretending she was focusing on Professor Flitwick and turned to look at Marlene. “Well how in bloody hell was I supposed to know that?”

Marlene covered her face with her palm and shook her head. “You. Are. Obnoxious.”

“And _you_ are being a bitch.”

“I am not, Miss Lily Evans. Why can’t you just trust that he likes you?”

“Trust _your_ judgment? You’ve barely ever held a real conversation with him! Oooh—Flitty’s looking, take some notes.”

“I have _too_ had a real conversation with him. You just don’t want to admit that your self-confidence is shit and you never put yourself out there.”

Lily smiled. “You mean I don’t throw myself out there for some bloke to pick up.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t want James to pick you up.” Marlene scratched some notes onto her parchment and looked over to Lily. “That’s a lie and we both know it.”

Lily hesitated. “Okay.”

“Ha!” Marlene grinned. “See! True!”

“But—I mean—I shouldn’t…”

“What do you mean?”

Lily bit her lip and began doodling a Gryffindor crest on the corner of her parchment. “It’s really telling of me, don’t you think? That I’m willing to jump right back into his arms, that I’m pining for him…I can’t even bring myself to care that he thought _so low_ of me, that he didn’t really respect me like he should have, that he knew I needed him right then—”

“You kind of deserved it,” Marlene said, pulling away from Lily lest she explode.

Lily shrugged, ducking her head down. “I know. I know that.”

“So maybe you should make a move on him.”

Lily shook her head violently. “Absolutely _not_. What if he’s done with me, like he said?”

“That’s not going to happen. Don’t be a ninny.”

Lily poked Marlene with her quill, leaving an ink stain on her blouse. “Don’t call me a ninny. And even if he’s not done with me—I _can’t_ make a first move!”

“It’s not a first move!”

“A first _new_ move, then! I can’t. No way.”

 

“Pussy.”

Lily frowned. “Shut it, Marls.”

The bell rang and Lily’s hand jerked, her quill leaving a bold black line over her two lines of notes and her full piece of parchment. She stared at the parchment—she was already running low and she couldn’t afford to ruin what she had.

“For heaven’s sake,” she muttered, remembering that she _was_ in a school for magic. She took out her wand and cleaned the parchment. There hadn’t been any important notes on it anyway.

“Lily? Are you awake?”

She glanced up at Marlene. The classroom was steadily emptying and they were still at their seats. “Yeah. Sorry.” She gathered up her things and placed them carefully in her bag, then followed Marlene out of the classroom. They went their separate ways at the end of the corridor, Marlene to Arithmancy, Lily to Ancient Runes.

Ancient Runes happened to be Lily’s favorite class this year. Not only was she especially interested in the subject matter, but also in her classmates—or, more specifically, her _lack_ of classmates: the only one with an annoyingly animal-centered nickname was Sirius Black, and he rather left her alone. She was always surprised to see him in class, as he and James never really did anything without one another. 

Strangely enough, he accosted her as soon as she walked in the door.

“Hey, Evans. Want to be my partner?”

She raised one eyebrow. “What?”

“Partner.”

She shook her head, still confused.

Black grinned. “In bed. Obviously. See, I—”

She pushed past him and put her things down on her desk; she turned to face him with her lips pursed.

“You’re late. We’re doing a project and we need partners for the next two weeks. Papers and a joint presentation is the scoop. So—partners?”

Lily frowned. “Well…okay. Are you going to call me daft again?”

Black stopped smiling. “Let’s not go there.”

“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

“Sorry! Yes, it is. I’ve never been especially _mean_ to you, now have I? That’s what I thought. Professor! Put me and Lily Evans down as partners, please. Okay, now let’s go off to the library.”

He picked up her things and left the room with them. Lily looked around the room (it was quite empty, with only several students reading in their textbooks), grabbed Sirius’s materials from his desk, and followed him from the room.

“You,” she said quietly, “need severe, serious, and immediate help. Immediately.”

Sirius, of course, was too far ahead of her to see her. _How strange this all is,_ Lily thought, until she reached the library and realized exactly why Sirius had asked her to be his partner.

“You shallow, insensitive, rude little piece of trash,” Lily said deliberately, throwing his book, roll of parchment, and quill in front of him.

“I beg your pardon?” Sirius said, raising an eyebrow, just as she had earlier, and tipping his chair back on two legs.

“You just didn’t want to work with the others. I’m simply your choice by elimination.” Two Slytherins, an unfortunate-looking Hufflepuff, three bookish girls and one underclassman from Ravenclaw rounded out their class (none of whom, Lily refused to notice, she wanted to work with, either).

Sirius looked very grave as he replied. He was no longer smiling, no longer exuding that careless good feeling he often did. “Did you expect to be my choice for any other reason?”

Stung, Lily dropped down in a seat and looked at the table. “No. Not really. Let’s get on with this, shall we?”

“I am sorry for calling you daft, though. Sometimes when I’m telling the truth I can get a little nasty.”

“I can see that,” she responded flatly, flipping open her book. “I don’t want to talk about anything except this project for the rest of the period, okay? I can take a hint, and pretty well, thank you.”

“Whatever you say, Evs.”

Lily’s head shot up. “ _Don’t_ call me that.”

Sirius looked taken aback. “Whoa. Okay. Whatever you say.”

“And stop saying _that_ , too,” she snapped.

“You’re so mean,” he sighed shaking his head.

“So I’m told. Often.”

“Ever thought of doing something about that?”

_Considering it’s people like you rejecting me that made me this way… no,_ Lily thought, and then she shook her head to clear her thoughts. “No, not really.” 

“Choose an excerpt of at least twenty-one lines from one the provided, obscure texts,” Sirius said, not taking his eyes off Lily. He then looked down at his paper. “Translate it. Research the text. What bearing does this excerpt have on the full text? What bearing does the text have on the field of runic studies? Examine the choice of runes for each sentence of the excerpt. Could other runes have been chosen? Papers must be at least twenty inches. Joint presentation must be more than five minutes but not exceed ten.”

“Sounds like a complete bitch to do.”

“Like you?” Sirius said, looking back up at her and smiling.

Lily surprised herself by smiling back. “Of course. Just like me.”

Sirius cleared his throat. “Considering I’ve been such a shit to you lately, how about you pick a text. There’s like twenty here.”

“No.”

“Come on, you pick.”

“Too many choices. First you eliminate some.”

Sirius sighed, picked up his quill, and began scratching lines across the parchment. He handed it to her and she tried to read through his messy cross-outs.

“You should work on your handwriting.”

“Hardy har har,” he said dryly. “Pick, will you?”

“I’m assuming the one with the three stars next to it is the one you like?”

“You can assume all you want.”

“Well, if you’re not going to tell me…” Lily crossed it out. Sirius actually winced. She read the title through her crooked line. “ _Human Transformations._ ” She tapped the feather of her quill to her mouth. “Why this one?”

“I’ve done research on it before, and we’ve got enough work as it is so it’ll be easier.” 

“ _You_ ’ve done research?”

“Yes, actually. I have.”

“We’ll do that one, then. Do you want to start now?” Sirius started to gather his materials. “No. How about later? We get every three classes or something in the library but we can do this outside of class, too.”

“Oh. Okay. That’s fine.”

“See you later, Evans.”

She nodded. “Yeah. See you later.”

She didn’t watch him leave, but she was thinking about him long after he left.

**……**

James was napping in the Quidditch changing rooms after the first game of the season (Gryffindor v. Slytherin, with a win for the lions at 240 to 200 points) when Sirius barged in to get him.

“Where the hell’re you at, mate? There’s a party waiting for you back in the common room.”

“Not up for it, Pads,” James rasped, reaching for his glasses and knocking them to the floor. He saw a tall blur shorten and then elongate. 

“I’ve got them now, Prongs. Get up and shower. Then come up to the castle.”

“What, you don’t want me to get dressed? I’ve always suspected you wanted to bugger me but I’ve got to tell you—”

Sirius shoved James’s glasses hastily into his hands. James slipped them on and the world came back into focus. He shook his hair from his eyes and sighed, glaring at the ceiling.

“Fucking prick,” Sirius muttered. “You’re still hacked off. You act like I—”

“If you’re going to say I act like a child,” James said hotly, suddenly sitting up, “then you should shut your shitfaced mouth. _You_ can’t even talk about childish and still be serious.”

“Sometimes you are just such a _cunt_ ,” Sirius said emphatically, and James frowned. Sirius rolled his eyes. “Want me to watch my language?”

“That’s not it—just—”

“I don’t talk to Lily like that, don’t worry, she doesn’t get her sexual satisfaction from me—”

“If you ever said cunt in front of Lily she’d murder you.”

Sirius snorted. “That’s a lie. Blatant lie, and you know it. She’d probably go get herself off.”

“And obviously you would know.” James crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.

Sirius held out his hands as if he were strangling someone. “It’s a _stupid_ project. Would you rather I worked with that fucking dirty Slytherin with lice crawling all over her?”

James looked stubbornly down at the floor.

“I did this shit for you, Prongs. I thought you’d like me getting to know her so you can make your move!” 

“She doesn’t _want_ my move,” James burst out, shoving away from the couch and striding over to his locker. “She doesn’t ever make an effort to come near me and touch me. I mean _nothing_ to her now. We became friends but it’s really just some sort of shitty truce—it means nothing, it’s worthless, this entire effort is worthless!”

“Weak,” Sirius spat.

“NO!” James yelled, surprised at his own volume. He slammed his locker shut, clutching his robes, almost ripping them. “No, no, no! She’s sick to _death_ of me. She won’t give me the time of day—”

“Maybe she—”

“You shut your goddamn, _fucking_ mouth,” James hissed, settling his school robes over his shoulders. “Don’t come here and act like you know her better than I do—neither of us have _any_ idea about her.”

Sirius sighed, fixing James with level eyes. They rarely fought—it was normally Sirius and Remus at each other’s throats. “You put her on a pedestal. You can’t _do_ that and still want her for real.”

“I’m not an idiot,” James said, putting a hand over his eyes. _Sodding_ _hell,_ he thought, _I’m_ _almost in tears._ He wrenched his hand away, dry-eyed. “I know that. I’ve always known she’s not as good as I want her to be, and I guess she proved that, yeah?”

Sirius was silent.

“It makes her _better,_ ” James finally managed, breathing hard, felling strangely hot, but not at all about to cry. “She says _fuck_ and it’s so hot, and she’s a bitch and it’s so fucking like hard to get, and she can be such a sap but I’m damned if I don’t want to shag her for all of that.”

Sirius waited.

“I. Don’t. Understand.” James punched his fist into his palm with each word. “I’ve never wanted a girl more. Ever. You know that.”

Sirius nodded.

“You _know_ that,” James said helplessly.

“So…give up,” Sirius finally said, shrugging.

James stared at him incredulously. “ _What?”_

“Give up. Forget her. Let her do the work if she wants it.”

“I want to _make her_ want it, I don’t want to let her decide on her own!”

“Prongs—”

“I want her begging me, Padfoot. I want her _panting_ for me.”

“Then you’re a fool. She won’t.”

“I _want_ it.”

“Stop whining!” Sirius exclaimed. “You want it—fine, then go and fucking get it. Otherwise I don’t see the point of this shit right here!”

James gripped his hair and yanked. “Let’s just go back. I want to sleep.”

“You don’t want to go to your own party? They’re all expecting you.”

“Well that’s too _fucking bad._ ” 

James made sure he bumped into Sirius and pushed him aside as he walked out into the cool October air.

**……**

It was hardly his imagination that Lily began popping up everywhere he went and that she looked at him as if he was a leper looking to spread his disease. He was still furious with Sirius for choosing Lily as a partner but he did his best not to show it—the last thing James needed was a succession of irritating stories about Lily doing this and Lily doing that to make its way into conversation. James and Sirius simply kept their mouths shut about the topic.

It was _infuriating._

James had meant every word he had said in the Quidditch changing rooms. He didn’t want to chase after Lily. What he wanted was her red head between his fucking thighs, bobbing up and down and…

James shifted from side to side, glancing around the Great Hall to make sure no one saw the bulge in his trousers. He yanked his robes in closer. 

“Stop thinking dirty thoughts,” Sirius said, not even looking up from his dirty (the cover showed broomsticks, but James was no fool) magazine.

“Mongrel,” James growled, jerking his spoon to the side and dripping oatmeal on the racy picture in Sirius’s magazine. Sirius’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. He shoved the magazine against James’s freshly laundered robes and smashed the oatmeal into the fabric.

“You’ve just ruined Clarissa Halliwell’s tits!” James gasped, batting at the sticky pages with his hands and sending it right back at Sirius.

“Watch your bloody language,” said Sirius calmly, taking out his wand and cleaning the pages. He paused, the cleaned James’s robes too.

“Prick.”

“Tosser,” Sirius threw back, grinning and flipping his hair from his eyes. James rolled his eyes and caught sight of Lily watching Sirius. James waited until her gaze met his and then waved.

He would _kill her_ with friendliness.

“I’m off,” Sirius said, rolling up his magazine and hitting James on the back of his head. 

“Skiving?”

“Forgot my books.”

“But not the trashy magazine.”

Sirius frowned and flipped the magazine open to the now pristine picture of a naked, gorgeous Clarissa. “That, Prongs, is not trashy.”

“I hate you.”

“Have a nice free period, you boob.”

James lobbed a bit of toast at Sirius but his friend darted out of the way and it hit a first year in the head. The girl shook it out of her hair and sent a nervous glare James’s way. James bit his lip and shrugged, offering a smile. She glanced away quickly and giggled with her friends.

James grinned.

Remus sat down next to him. “Don’t look so chuffed, she’s eleven.” He pushed James’s plate to the side. “Perv.”

“Bloody cute, that’s what she is. What do you say to a little double team?”

“I say I’m hard, let’s go.”

James laughed. “Too far. We were done a minute ago.”

“We were done even before your opened your trap. Where’s Peter?”

“He had a late detention and then he got drunk with me. He should be sleeping it off. Weren’t you in the dormitory?”

“I left early to go send a letter.” Remus frowned, slathering his pancakes with syrup. “You don’t look hungover.”

“My dear old daddy taught me a charm to fix that but Peter tried to chop off my balls when I woke him up, so I let him be and went to breakfast with Padfoot. Don’t you have class?”

Remus stuffed a huge forkful of fluffy pancakes into his mouth. “It’s just Herbology. I can be late.”

“Worthless N.E.W.T.,” James remarked, twirling his fork on his plate.

Remus winced. “Don’t do that. It screeches.”

“Sorry, mate.” Lycanthropy made both Remus’s hearing and his sense of smell exceptionally sensitive. 

“Bollocks, I need to go.”

“I’ll walk you out—come on.” James wrapped some toast is a napkin for Peter. He waited until they left the Great Hall to ask, “Moony?”

“Yeah?” Remus asked, stopping by the open doors.

“Was Lily looking at me?”

Remus shook his head, rolled his eyes, and fixed James with a pointed stare. “Would you get over her already?”

James rolled his own eyes. “You’re as bad as Pa—”

“ _Don’t_ say it. I get the message. Get over her, will you?”

James grimaced. “I hope a tentacula _eats_ you, you furry monster.”

“Actually, the correct name is _Venomous_ Tentacula,” Remus said brightly, ducking through the doors before James could hit him. “See you, Prongs!” he called out. 

“ _Venomous_ Tentacula,” James muttered. He fiddled with the napkin covering Peter’s buttered toast. “Git.”

**......**

 


	8. Chapter Seven: Blue

**Chapter Seven: Blue**

**{ _Coffee and Cigarettes,_ by Michelle Featherstone}**

_\--immensity, truth, transparency, constancy, ghosts--_

**……**

_November 1977_

James often sat against the goal hoop closest to the Gryffindor stands on his team’s side. He only liked it when the grass was wet with dew and the sun was just rising, so all he could see around him was knives of sunlight slicing through the spaces between the stands. He could _smell_ the damp and the new morning and it always hurt just a little bit (he didn’t cry or anything), though he did not know why.

It had been a while since he last came here. James was not one to sit alone and think—he was perfectly fine sitting silent with his friends and thinking then. It was Sirius who had to disappear to get his thoughts out of his system—and rightly so, James sometimes thought, because Sirius’s memories and thoughts would be toxic to anyone else. James could barely stand to be around Sirius when he was in one of his moods—that was Remus’s unfortunate job. James was the one who made Sirius shake off the vestiges of his bitter time spent in self-exploration.

James clenched his left fist and brought it up to rest on his knee, dropping his head back against the cool golden hoop. He glanced at his hand and frowned: his father did that when he was angry.

“I’m not angry,” James groaned. He tightened his fist and then relaxed his fingers.

James had cancelled Quidditch practice that morning. He had woken everyone up five in the morning and nearly lost his testicles doing so, but he had managed to inform everyone before leaving the castle for some peace and much-needed quiet. Now he was regretting it—Quidditch would have kept his mind occupied.

When James had dubbed Remus’s lycanthropy his “furry little problem,” Remus had wryly responded by calling James’s moods after receiving a letter from Chandler Potter as a “pesky little daddy-dearest problem.” It didn’t roll of the tongue quite as nicely as James’s creation, but James was willing to accept his superiority in the witty nickname department. It killed him that Remus was _right_ , though. James couldn’t receive a letter from his father without going into a foul mood, and he didn’t very much enjoy showing his bad moods. People saw James as a happy person, and he saw no reason to disillusion them. 

His father hadn’t always _been_ like this. As James got older his father liked him less and less—part of James felt that it was ten times worse to lose the love of a parent instead of never having it at all, but then he had to look at Sirius and take it back. James hated to admit it, but Sirius was more than a little messed up. There was something off balance inside of Sirius and there was no way to fix it. No one would ever be able to do so.

A shaft of sunlight hit James in the eyes and he squinted, waited a moment, and then rose to his feet. He picked up his robes from the dewy grass and slung them over his shoulder, trekking back to the castle in under five minutes. He waved to Hagrid when he caught sight of him and then continued into the castle and up to Gryffindor tower. 

He was delighted to collide with Lily, who was entering at the same time he was.

“Lily,” he said, trying to hide the surprise in his voice.

“Hey,” she said softly, giving him a wry smile. She glanced at his shoulder. “Tryst in the grass?”

“Pardon?”

She pointed at his robes. “You have grass all over your robes.”

“I got a letter from my father.”

The vixen raised an eyebrow and James scuffed his shoe against the floor.

“So…?”

“I need alone time when I get letters from Mr. Potter.”

Lily smiled in earnest. “Are you just going to stand here all day or are you going to go inside?”

“Veni vidi vici,” James said rapidly in a decent Italian accent, suppressing a smile when Lily chuckled. The Fat Lady swung open at the password and he allowed Lily, as the lady, to enter first. “Where were you so early in the morning?”

“Sending a letter,” she answered, twisting a bit of hair in her fingers. She glanced quickly around the common room and James did as well. Everyone was at breakfast and they were completely alone.

“Home?” he asked after a moment.

She shrugged. “To my sister.”

James knew very well that Petunia wasn’t talking to Lily as long as she refused to return home and use magic on Mrs. Evans. All the same, he hesitated, not wanting to look too attached to Lily’s life. “Petunia’s her name, right?”

He didn’t look at Lily so he couldn’t see her expression. “Yes,” she said after an age. “Petunia.” Her voice was very quiet.

“You two don’t get along, yeah?”

“Haven’t we had this conversation?” Lily asked stiffly. James looked up at her face, raised eyebrow and all, and he bit his lip. “Don’t really remember.”

Lily pursed her lips. “I’m going to breakfast. I’ll see you in class.”

James nodded. “All right. See you.”

“James”

“Mmm?” He began to pick grass off his robes.

“Let Sirius know I’m free to have a final run-through for our presentation tonight. And if he needs any help on his essay…”

James looked at her when she stopped talking. She had a hand on her hip. “What?”

“Then tell him to suck it the fuck up and do it himself.”

James’s heart _clenched_ at the dirty words coming from her mouth but he just shrugged, astounded by his own self-control. “Will do.”

She smiled, nodded, and left the common room. As soon as she left James threw his roebs down on the carpet and groaned. “ _Fuck_ ,” he said, simple as that. “Sod it.” He snatched up his robes and trudge up the stairs to his dormitory, readying for a good twenty minutes of getting over Lily’s little cursing escapade.

_Bloody tease._

**……**

“ _What_ did you just say?”

James’s Quidditch teammate took a step back. “Slytherin asked for a rematch and Hooch is giving it—”

“I heard what you said!” James snapped, violently stabbing his fork into a sausage. “Pansies!”

Peter let out a chuckle when Remus coughed. James whirled towards them. “Taking the mickey, are you? Think this is _funny?_ I don’t need you and your bleeding amused, sarcastic coughs to let me know you think I’m a fanatic! Slytherin just got a bloody rematch, and I have plenty of reason to be waving this sausage around!” 

James poked his fork in Remus’s direction. He glanced at the end and reached over to re-stab the sausage, which had flown off and landed on the table.

Remus leaned back. “I’m sick!” he rasped, holding up his hands. “Honestly!”

“Well… _good_ ,” James said, pulling the sausage from under Remus’s nose. He paused. “Sorry, mate.”

“You carry right on,” Remus said, tentatively clearing his throat and wincing.

“How could Minnie let this _happen?_ ” James howled, dropping his head into his hands. “Fuckwits. Slytherins. Waste of my _time_.”

“One day she’ll hear you calling her Minnie and throw you to the dogs. What’s going on?” Sirius picked up James’s discarded sausage and stuffed it in his mouth.

“Slytherin’s gotten a rematch.”

Sirius spat out his mouthful. James stared at the mess on the plate before him and dropped a napkin over it. Sirius skipped the remaining sausage and went for toast.

“That sausage is finally done with,” Remus muttered.

“Er…ah…can I go?”

“Yeah, leave,” Sirius said, glancing over James’s shoulder at the messenger. “And thanks!” he called after him. “So why the rematch? Bloody Slytherin pansies.”

“They’re claiming the Quaffle was dented and that it contributed to their loss! I was there! NO DENT!”

Several people around them looked over. James glared at them. “Shut it. I don’t want to hear it. And we’re replaying Slytherin on Saturday.”

James left them in outrage and turned to his friends. Sirius was asking Remus how he felt.

Remus just stared at him. “I can’t talk,” he said, clearing his throat again when his voice cracked.

“You sound like a ten-year-old girl.” Sirius reached over and ruffled Remus’s hair.

Remus pursed his lips, unable to snap back. Sarcasm didn’t work very well with a weak voice.

“Now you _look_ like a ten-year-old girl,” Peter remarked, and he ducked Remus’s attempted blow.

“Fucking pricks. Dented _quaffles_ _._ Stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.”

James choked on his morsel of waffle when someone slid a hand into his hair and tugged. He forced it down his throat and took Sirius’s proffered glass of water to wash it down. “What?” he gasped.

“Can I talk to you, please?”

It was Marlene. Warily, James got up. _What if she wants to talk about…?_ James shook his head. She did not seem like the type to get hung up on few kisses. James swung his legs over the bench, wondering whether his team could beat Slytherin again, or not. He walked with Marlene out of the Great Hall and she led him outside so they could sit on the castle steps in the early morning sunlight.

He got a good look at her then and winced. Her hair needed a wash and she was thinner, or at least he thought so. Her lips were drawn into a tight line and she kept rubbing her temples, then her eyes. 

“Do you even sleep, Marlene?”

She laughed. “Not lately. I’m sorry to pull you away from your friends.”

“Not a problem. What’s going on?”

“I can’t talk to Lily.” She bit her lip. “I need someone to talk to.” 

James wanted to ask what about, but he had learned from experience to hold his tongue when girls were trying to tell him something.

“You are like…you are like Lily, except better, because you aren’t as close to me, you know? You are like Lily, except objective.”

“Sure. I get it. Sometimes I can’t talk to Sirius.” That was a bald-faced lie. There was _nothing_ James did not talk to Sirius about. 

Marlene blinked, looked out at the grey sky. 

“It started,” she began, “like this…”

**……**

_Lily,_

_Mother’s moved out and is staying with Grandmother. I don’t really want to get into how you could have prevented this, but I don’t think you should expect a warm welcome at Christmas. Dad’s a mess. I wasn’t planning on writing to you, but you might as well know what your stubborn, idealistic naiveté has done. There are some things, Lily, that are more important than rules. Your family should be one of them. Your mother…she should be one of those things. I don’t expect a response, and if I receive one, I won’t be opening it. It’ll just end up as a pile of ashes._

_Petunia_

Lily folded the letter in half and ripped it, then again, then again. She threw the pieces into the roaring common room fire. 

“Bad letter?”

Lily sighed and managed a smile for Marlene. “Yes. Horrendous letter.”

“What did she say?”

Lily shrugged. “Usual drivel.” 

Marlene pulled her hair into a ponytail. “Breakfast?”

“Yeah. What happened to your bracelet?”

“Hmm?” Marlene raised her eyebrows in askance.

“Remember Christmas last year? You used to wear that bracelet a lot.”

Marlene rolled her eyes and grinned. “Lily, where’s _your_ bracelet?”

Lily pursed her lips. “Well…”

Marlene waited.

Lily bit back a smile. “Somewhere in the bottom of my trunk, maybe.”

“You’re one to talk, then. Come _on_. I’m hungry. I’m ready for a day of rubbing in our win.”

Lily sighed, rising to her feet. “Slughorn will be unbearable. And so early, too…”

Marlene poked her. “Don’t be a ninny. Slugger loves you more than he should.”

“That’s a bit disgusting.”

“Relax. He probably can’t get it up anymore, anyway.”

Lily groaned.

They were halfway to breakfast when Lily remembered her books. “You’re the ninny,” she said to Marlene. “You should have reminded me.”

“I’ll get you some toast and bacon. Meet me at the dungeons.”

Lily raced back up to her dormitory. She stuffed her books into her rucksack and zipped it in one quick motion. She bumped her shin into her trunk and cursed loudly. Then she paused, looking hard at her trunk.

Her bag hit the floor and she fell to her knees. She threw back the lid, absolutely unable to explain why it was so important for her to find her bracelet from Marlene. She froze when her fingers brushed against a ruffle, and then she yanked out the black skirt she had worn out for Remus’s birthday.

_Oh, no._ Lily thought, furrowing her brow. “Not _now_ ,” she said aloud. _No. No. “No!”_

It was too late. Lily dropped the skirt back into her trunk and shut the lid, her bracelet the last thing she wanted to look for anymore. 

She paced the room, threading her hands through the hair at her temples. The last time she had worn that skirt her legs had been _in between_ James’s. That night she was so close to him and his warm, calloused hands were sliding over her bare back, smoothing out her warped, pitted self-confidence. His hands were all _over_ her.

The last time she was in that skirt, James had _wanted_ her.

“Fuck you, James,” she said quietly. 

It took her less than minute to collect her materials and get out of Gryffindor Tower. Another three minutes and she was crossing the Great Hall. One more and she was in sight of the dungeons. She raced into the Potions dungeon and slid into her seat with ten seconds to spare.

Marlene grabbed Lily’s hand, squeezed, and set down a thick letter in front of her. Lily stared at the letter without comprehending, then met her friend’s shining eyes and was overcome with a wave of nausea.

“Oh, God.”

“Open it!” Marlene hissed, jabbing Lily in the upper arm.

Lily adored Potions and she never did other work or talked too much while class was going on. Today she slid trembling fingers over the seam where the envelope closed and swallowed hard, tuning Slughorn out completely. She cleared her throat and slid one long nail into the corner of the envelope. With painstaking care, she opened the envelope and sat staring at the loose flap.

“Open the _letter,_ ” Marlene urged, gripping Lily’s wrist. Lily shook her head.

“James might have badmouthed me. Do you think James would do that?” Lily ran her fingers through her hair.

“Think I would do what?”

Lily had forgotten James was sitting at the table behind her. She turned to look at him; he was lounging back in his chair, his arms folded behind his head, an eyebrow raised. Her gut _twisted_ and her entire body stiffened, thinking back to that all-encompassing feeling from that flood of memories in her room.

Lily turned back in her seat without responding.

While she had been staring at James, Marlene had grabbed her letter and was skimming it. Lily almost choked at the stoic look on her face.

“Dear Miss Evans,” Marlene whispered, her voice barely audible, “we are pleased to inform you that you have been offered a place as—”

“Okay,” Lily said, snatching the letter from Marlene.

“Don’t you want to—”

“No,” Lily whispered back, closing the conversation. She stuffed the letter back in its envelope and shoved it down to the bottom of her bag. She cleared her throat.

“What’s wrong, Lily?”

“I’m perfectly fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Marlene put her hand on Lily’s arm. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily could see James was not looking at her. “Lily. Come on.”

Lily blinked slowly. “I found the skirt I wore to Remus’s birthday.”

Marlene sighed. “You can’t get down every time something like that happens.”

Lily shrugged. “I think I sabotage myself.”

Marlene bit her bottom lip. “Let’s talk about it later, okay?” Lily shrugged again. 

“Later.” Marlene took her hand away.

Lily began to copy down notes. She wrote until her hand cramped, knowing in the back of her mind that she and Marlene would not talk about it. Lily was aware of how annoying she was to Marlene, always needing assurance, always needing a pep talk. Sometimes Lily didn’t know how Marlene could stand to deal with her.

When class ended Marlene turned to Lily and opened her mouth. Lily shook her head. “I have a free period and I want to take a nap,” she said firmly, gathering her books up. She closed her rucksack.

“Lily…”

“Not again,” Lily said, as strongly as she could. “I just want…I just need a nap.”

“You woke up less than two _hours_ ago,” Marlene hissed.

“ _You_ have Herbology, worthless as it is. I’m going up to the dormitory.”

Marlene slapped her hand down on the table. Lily regarded her coolly. 

“Fine,” Marlene said, snatching her bag from the floor. She flounced out of the room, nose in the air. Lily wanted to laugh, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Little tiff?” said a quiet voice to her left. It was Remus Lupin.

Lily had not forgotten James telling her what Remus had said about her, that she “wasn’t worth it.” She frowned at Remus, then picked up her bag. “Yes,” she answered, leaving him behind with that curt response. Her walk to Gryffindor Tower was slow, and she tried her best not to think of James, who had not even glanced at her as he left Potions. She did not succeed—by the time she reached the Fat Lady, she ready for a good cry.

She shrugged out of her robes and collapsed on a couch in the empty common room. Students normally spent their free periods in the library, but today she needed somewhere quieter. She stretched her legs to the end of the couch and stared up at the ceiling.

“It’s pointless to agonize,” she whispered. “He’s never going to know. He’s very much done with me.” She trailed her fingers down the front of her buttondown shirt. “He doesn’t care what I look like, and that night in his room was just…”

Lily’s breath hitched. “Give the _hell_ up,” she whispered. “Give up give up give up…”

The way he had _looked_ her, with his eyes dark and his hands slipping downwards. He would do that if he were here right now, wouldn’t he? Untuck her shirt and unhook her skirt, slide a warm hand beneath the waistband. No, that was her hand. James didn’t give a damn about her getting off anymore. He was more interested in what he had. He didn’t want anything new. No one really did. Lily opened her eyes to make sure no one was in the room with her and then tentatively reached her hand into her knickers.

Her toes pointed and she shifted her hips just slightly. Her mouth dropped open. She wished James were here right now—

She jerked her hand away and fastened the buttons of her skirt again as the portrait hole swung open. She dropped her hand to the side, as if someone would really be able to _tell_ what she had been doing…

It was Remus Lupin and, strangely enough, Sarah. Remus looked straight at Lily and sniffed the air, then frowned, then…leered at her.

_Impossible_ , Lily thought, pulling her hand in. _There is_ no _way he can…_

Remus whispered something to Sarah. Lily got up and smiled nervously, then darted upstairs to wash her hands. She cleared her throat when Sarah opened the door to the wash room and shut the door.

“So,” she said.

Lily nodded. “Mmm.”

“Did you come?”

Lily had a coughing fit.

“Remus smelled it on you right away. I guess he has a very sensitive nose.”

Lily turned off the tap. Sarah took several steps closer and placed her hands on Lily’s hips. Lily watched in the mirror while Sarah pushed red hair away from Lily’s left shoulder and tugged her shirt down a bit to reveal some skin. 

“I always knew you were hot for something beneath all the bitchy comments.”

“Sarah—”

“You’re just the kind of repressed girl I specialize in.” Sarah smiled, showing every tooth. She tossed her hair back and traced her nail down the side of Lily’s throat. Lily tensed.

Sarah laughed. “Oh, don’t worry. I’m not going to try to convert you. I’m just going to help you out…a little.”

Lily squirmed.

“Not like _that_ ,” Sarah said, giggling. “Just a little...advice. I’m the expert at getting girls to come.”

“Sarah, come on—”

Sarah pressed Lily’s hips against the sink with her own and drew her wand from her pocket. “Did you know that these vibrate?”

She should have been trying to get away, but her gaze was fixed on the wand. Lily shook her head. “I mean—yes, but I don’t know—”

“How. No one’s ever taught you.”

Lily swallowed. “Would…”

“I could share a couple spells with you. But you have to do something for me first. Nothing extreme. Just something simple.”

Lily turned, not even trying to get away any more. “Tell me what you want first, then I’ll see.”

Sarah sighed. “I supposed that’s only fair. A kiss and an honest answer.”

“And honest answer?”

“To my question. The one I’m going to ask.”

Lily shrugged. “Okay.” She leaned forward, but Sarah put a hand on her shoulder. “That kiss…”

“Yes, what about it?” Lily asked impatiently, thinking of what a vibrating wand could do for her.

“In front of Remus.”

“ _What?_ ”

“I bet him a galleon you would kiss me. I can’t be losing money, now can I?”

Lily hesitated. Sarah’s wand suddenly began buzzing and she pressed the tip into Lily’s navel. Lily let out a little moan and shrank away from it. 

“Do you want to fuck Potter?” Sarah asked, putting one hand on the sink and letting her wand buzz its way up Lily’s leg, from her knee to her thigh. Lily was almost in tears, tears entirely different from the earlier ones today—good tears. “That’s not…”

“Answer, or I’ll—”

“ _Yes_ ,” Lily whispered, and Sarah took her wand away. It stopped vibrating. Lily was quivering, arching away from Sarah, Sarah who had slept in her room every night for nine months since she was _eleven_ , Sarah who was asking to make out with her in front of a bloke, Sarah who was smiling so wantonly...

“In the back of the library, where everyone goes to hook up, the last book on the bottommost shelf, the one closest to the wall, that’s what you’re looking for.”

Lily inched away from Sarah, who let her do it. “What about—”

“When you least expect it, I’ll cash in on that kiss.”

Lily nodded, feeling rather lightheaded. Sarah held the door open for her and Lily stumbled down the stairs to the common room. She could hear Sarah’s steady steps and occasional giggles behind her. Lily stopped just before turning the corner to enter the common room and she heard Sarah stop, as well, but the other girl did not say anything. Lily took in a deep breath and collected her thoughts. That had been so very unexpected, but perhaps the fact that Lily had taken it in stride meant something.

Perhaps Lily was not so dull as she, as everyone, thought.

_It happened. It’s not a big deal._ Lily shook it off and walked back over to her couch, locking eyes with Remus Lupin, who was in the armchair nearest her resting place, arms folded behind his head and his feet propped up on an ottoman.

“Ready to go, Sarah?” he asked. “We can leave in a moment.”

He had been talking to Sarah while still looking straight at Lily. Lily frowned. Did Remus…no—no way.

“Sarah,” Lily said quietly, tearing her gaze from Remus’s.

“Mmm.”

“Come here.”

She saw Remus’s eyebrows go up. Sarah sat down on the sofa beside Lily. She was a very pretty girl, and Lily could not help but reach out and push a curl back from her delicate face.

“Why Lily, you’re turning me on.”

Lily laughed. She got up, wondering whether Sarah could settle something for her once and for all, and wondering whether she could really give Remus a slap in the face. Not worth it, indeed. She straddled Sarah’s lap, suppressing a smile at Remus’s gasp and tilting her head to the side at Sarah’s bemused expression.

“Am I shocking you?” 

“Oh, yes.”

“You know,” Lily breathed in Sarah’s ear, “I don’t like girls for real.”

“I know.”

Lily paused, swallowing hard. She really was a mess, about to cry all over again. “And I know Miriam…I know she hurt you.”

“Yes,” Sarah said matter-of-factly.

“And James…he really hurt me.”

Sarah stroked Lily’s hair back from her face. “He shouldn’t have done that…you’re very sexy.”

Lily giggled around the lump in her throat. “He doesn’t want me, though,” she continued, sighing into Sarah’s hair. “I don’t why. Maybe I’m not a good kisser.”

Sarah’s hands settled on Lily’s waist and she clenched. “Oh, really?”

“Mmm,” Lily assented.

“Remus,” Sarah said, sounding quite breathless. “Could you excuse us?”

Remus let out a strangled sound.

“No,” Lily whispered. “I want him to stay.”

“No, Remus,” Sarah corrected. “Stay, actually. Get up, Lily.”

Lily did so. Sarah shoved her over to the armchair across from Remus and literally pounced on her. “If I were a guy,” she said to Remus, “I’d have a boner larger than yours right now.”

“You’re hurting poor Lily,” Remus rasped, his eyes aflame.

“No, I’m not. She likes it. We’re going to make out, now. You owe me a galleon.”

“Sarah—in about a minute we’re going to have—”

“I _know_. That’s the point. Shut it.” Sarah looked down at Lily, who could see down the other girl’s blouse quite clearly. “He’s not enjoying the moment as he should. Tilt your pretty little mouth up, Lily.”

Lily swallowed hard, and then Sarah kissed her.

_Oh. Oh. Okay._

This was very different from James. Sarah’s lips were softer and her teeth were smaller. Her tongue was less aggressive, gentler, and her hands were just barely skimming Lily’s skin. She slipped her right under Lily’s skirt and pressed her fingers into the flesh of Lily’s thigh. The other hand went under Lily’s blouse.

“You _are_ a mess, Lily,” Sarah said quietly, pulling her mouth away. “You’re crying.”

Lily shook her head. Sarah bent her head and began to kiss Lily’s neck. Lily threw her head back, opening her eyes just the slightest bit to look at Remus, who was panting.

“Holy _fuck_ ,” Lily heard, but it was not Remus who said it, it was someone else. Lily tangled her hand in Sarah’s hair to stop her, eyes moving lazily to the portrait hole, where James and Sirius Black stood.

Sarah got up abruptly and straightened her blouse and her hair. “Lovely,” she said earnestly to Lily. “Remus, Sirius?”

“In a minute,” Sirius squeaked. He cleared his throat. _Something we both do when we’re nervous,_ Lily thought idly. She had not thought Sirius ever became nervous.

“ _Bitch_ ,” Remus erupted, grabbing Sarah’s wrist. “I—”

“Wanted something that isn’t yours,” Sarah said, kneeling before him. Remus let go of her wrist.

“You’re a bitch,” he repeated. “Do yourself yourself. I…”

Sarah shrugged. Remus shoved her aside and walked over to Sirius, who held up his hands. He said something to Remus in a quiet tone. Lily could only stay where she was and watch James, who was biting his lip, looking between her and Sarah and her and Sarah.

_I need professional help,_ Lily decided. _I just made out with Sarah Mercer in front of Remus Lupin and was interrupted by…_

 

Remus and leaving and Sirius and Sarah were following. Lily sat up in her chair and started to tuck her shirt in, to pull her hair away from her face.

“Leave it,” James said hoarsely.

“Leave,” Lily replied, inexplicably angry at him.

“I…”

“I’m really sorry you had to see that,” Lily continued, smoothing out some wrinkles in her skirt. They didn’t go away.

“Don’t be.” He paused, letting then sink in. Then, “I think that was a setup.”

Lily sighed, so very curious but unwilling to ask for an explanation. He never spoke to her if she did not prompt him, and she rather expected him to leave.

He did not. He walked over to her sofa and sat down. “Sirius nearly dragged me up here. I never come up here during free periods—it’s so far away. They obviously wanted us to talk while they go off and have their threesome.”

Lily tied her hair back. “And Sarah deciding she wanted a kiss—”

“It gave us something to talk about, didn’t it?” James grinned, inviting her to share his joke. Lily frowned. “Or maybe she just wanted to make out with you,” he said then, his voice painfully quiet.

Lily blinked.

James leaned back against the couch and folded her hands behind his head. “Who wouldn’t?” he asked, looking her up and down.

“You, obviously.” Lily blinked again and really began to fix her clothes, finishing her shirt and using her wand to straighten her skirt.

“Evans…”

Lily squeezed her eyes shut. His pliant, teasing, saddened tone drove her _mad_. “It’s not that. You just…”

“Me?” Lily cried, outraged. “I’ve been…I’m not a fool, James!”

James raked his fingers through his hair and sat forward. “Okay—fine. Calm down. Let’s—let’s talk about this. About us.”

“I am _sorry,_ ” Lily said, aware that she was whining. She shook her head and moved over to the sofa to sit next to him, surprised at her own audacity.

“Lily—”

“I know I started to talk to for all the wrong reasons, James, but by the time we were about to fuck on your bed it wasn’t about that, okay? It was about—”

James almost took her hand.

“It was about me liking you,” Lily blurted, rushing on, not thinking for fear that she would stop talking. “About my fancying you for so long and finally, for once, getting what I wanted, getting something even _Marlene_ couldn’t…”

“So I’m just an object to be won, then?” he quipped, but Lily was not amused.

“I get that you’re not into me for real anymore.”

“I never _said_ that.” James did take her hand. “You—you have been ignoring _me._ You don’t even _look_ at me.”

“I can’t!” Lily cried. “And you don’t look at me—that’s what the problem is! I wanted this to be easy. I just wanted us to fall into a relationship and let it flow but something…something got derailed, in the end. But if you don’t let me know you want me I can’t do anything about it!”

“You can be such a bitch, Lily. Don’t…don’t _want_ you! Are you—mad? Is that it? I get hard as fuck just _looking_ at you. I walk in on you making out with another _girl_ and you think I don’t have a—you think I don’t _want_ you? I think about the way you look when you’re getting off and I want to jerk off in the middle of Potions. We came back to school and you barely spoke to me that first meeting in the train, and you expect me to act like a pining…a pining, desperate fool!”

“I am a _mess,_ James. It’s my fault, yes, but yours, too! I don’t speak to you because when I do I can’t stand to have you not remember things I told you. I don’t speak to you because when I do I want to ask you to bend me over the table and—”

James groaned and shifted his legs, putting his face in his hands. “I remember things, Lily. I remember everything you told me about your mother, and I remember, for god’s sake, than your sister’s name is Petunia and that she is a bitch—”

“Then why do you pretend you don’t?” Lily erupted, slapping on hand down on his thigh. James took hold of that one, as well.

“I couldn’t have you thinking that I was waiting around for you and thinking about you. I…I have too much pride for that.”

“James.”

He squeezed her hands.

“James, I…”

_Say it._

“James.”

“Say it,” he said. 

“James, I fancy you. Right now. I have for a while.”

James paused. “Is it that hard to say?”

Lily nodded, and sniffled.

“We rushed,” James decided. “That’s what happened. We rushed, and we didn’t think enough…we should slow down.”

Lily swallowed. 

“A little,” he amended.

“I just need to be your friend,” said Lily. There was something inside her, something that knew they would not actually make it past friends. Not anytime soon, at least. “I love talking to you—I…I should shut up, but I’ve been crying all over the place because it _sucks_ to be alone, you know?”

“I get it,” he said hesitantly. 

“I don’t want to scare you,” Lily went on, “but we need…we really just need to be friends for a little while. Just to make sure we…”

“We can do it. Okay…I…okay. And—you don’t need to shut up. Don’t do that.”

Lily nodded. “Sorry I’m so annoying.”

James laughed, just a little. “Don’t worry about it.”

Lily itched to hug him, but she restrained herself. She pulled her hands from his. “I have class soon.”

“I do, too. But we—you and me—we are friends.”

“Just for a little while. I mean, I love Marlene. I love her. But she has her own problems and sometimes I think she’s sick of me. People get sick of me easily.” Lily got up from the couch. 

“Wait, no.” James gestured to the seat next to him. “I want a hug.”

He said it so simply and with such conviction that Lily actually wanted to be him. She wanted to express herself so freely, without fear of rejection. She sat next to him and waited, but he didn’t move. He just…looked at her. Finally, Lily reached her arms out and threw them around his neck. He turned towards her in an instant and pulled her closer.

Lily couldn’t help herself. She pulled back just a bit and kissed the corner of his mouth. “Yeah,” she whispered.

James’s fingers pushed into the small of her back. His fingers ghosted over a lock of her hair and he wouldn’t meet her eyes, but he breathed the word out, just like her. “Yeah.”

**......**   



	9. Chapter Eight: Rose

**Thirty-seven pages…reviews are much appreciated.**

**Chapter Eight: Rose**

**{ _Forever Young_ , by Youth Group}**

_\--virginity, passion, sensuality, sexuality—_

**……**

_December 1977_

Lily ran the razor over her skin, up and down, trying not to blink. 

“Lily? Aren’t you done already? I need to talk to you.”

Lily blinked and nicked herself. She swore and pressed her finger against the cut, frowning as the water hit her leg and washed her shaving cream away.

“In a minute. You made me cut myself!”

“What do you think wands are for? I’ll wait.”

Lily rolled her eyes and reached for the can of shaving cream. She finished her legs, rinsed once more for good measure, and turned off the water. She pulled her towel into the steamy stall and wrapped it tightly around her body, then stepped gingerly out into the bathroom. “What?”

Marlene handed her a bottle of lotion meant to inhibit hair growth. “Here.” She sat down on the ledge the girls used as a bench, settled her hands in her lap, and tapped her fingers against her thighs. She scratched an itch and stayed silent.

Lily raised her eyebrows. Marlene obviously did not want to talk right away. “You’re up early.”

Marlene nodded. “I’ve been awake since before you got in the shower. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this hour of day. I suppose I should get used to it.”

“Why’s that?” Lily opened the bottle, plopped down on the bench, and began to spread it over her thighs. Marlene reached out her hands and helped with Lily’s calves. 

“Dunno. Leaving school means getting up early for work, I suppose.”

“That’s not for months, though.”

“Mmm.” Marlene nodded. “So how goes it with James?”

“That’s what you want to talk about?”

“Among other things.”

Lily smiled and capped the lotion battle. “It goes fine.”

“Fine. Don’t be a brat, tell me more.”

“I am _not_ a brat!” Lily exclaimed, wringing out her wet hair on Marlene’s shorts. Marlene slapped Lily’s hands out of the air, grinning all the while. “Fine. But please give me more on James.”

“There isn’t more.” Lily began to finger-comb the tangles from her hair. “Well, I’m lying. He mentioned yesterday that we should meet up over the holidays. Outside of work.”

“That’s fab, right? It’s what you want?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

They fell silent. Lily cast about for something to say. “So James mentioned something else to me a while ago. About you.”

Marlene’s head shot up. “What? What was it?”

Lily paused at Marlene’s excessive reaction. “He…he was talking about what happened between me and Sarah. He said it was a set-up or something. Do you know what he meant?”

Marlene grinned. “Don’t be mad, but yes. I asked him about you and he said he really wanted to talk to you, but there was nothing for you two to talk about. He said…he meant that something big needed to happen. So I enlisted some help. Sirius was hacked off, and Remus…Remus was terribly strange about it. I don’t even know what was going on there.”

Lily nodded. “Yes, he was very strange. Talking nonsense.”

 

“Maybe he fancies you.” Marlene giggled, stood, and held out a hand to help Lily stand. Lily took it and got to her feet. “Oh, yes. I’m sure.”

“Come on. I bet you and James spend all day together.”

Lily slapped Marlene on the arm, hoping the same thing.

Marlene clapped her hands together. “Can I make you pretty?”

Lily hit Marlene again.

“Ow, twit! Come on, Lils, let me do your makeup!”

“I hate you, you know? You make me sound incompetent.”

“Yeah, okay. Come on, let’s get you all gussied up for _James_.”

Lily tightened her towel and followed Marlene out. “He just…gets me so hot.”

Marlene tugged a lock of Lily’s hair. “It’s the Quidditch. Muscles, you know how it goes.”

Lily rolled her eyes as they entered the dormitory. “He doesn’t have _muscles._ I mean…he has nice arms. From all the throwing and catching and stuff. And his hands…I love his hands. But he’s actually kind of scrawny.” Lily paused. “From what I’ve seen.”

“Lily,” Marlene said, her voice no longer light, but quite serious. “I love you.”

Lily turned to look at Marlene. She was the only person who knew how much Lily needed to hear it. “I know.”

“I need to tell you something. Important. Sad. Thrilling.”

Lily swallowed. “Sure. Let me get dressed.” She collected her best jeans and a pretty blue jumper. Bethany was gone, as she often was in the mornings, but Sarah and Miriam were still abed. Lily dressed quickly, then sat down on her bed, legs crossed, and patted the coverlet beside her. Marlene sat.

“Spill, please.”

Marlene inched away from Lily. “I don’t want you to take this like I’m…like it’s about you. At all.”

That slimy, disgusting, unwelcome seed Lily was so familiar with began to grown deep within her. She pushed her hair back behind her ear and clenched her fingers together.

“Last Hogsmeade weekend I left you alone for a bit. I had to meet someone.”

“You said you had to pick up a gift.”

Marlene smiled—shakily. “I lied.”

Lily picked at the threads in the bedspread with her nails. “Was it…James?”

“Oh—Oh _no!_ Lily, I said it didn’t have anything to do with you—well, not directly. I mean—it was Jason.”

Lily took in Marlene’s pale skin. “I thought you had stopped talking.”

“I lied about that, too.”

“His dad…”

“Is still down and out. That’s not the point. The point is…” Marlene bit her lip, then held out her left hand. On her ring finger was a ring.

One. Big. Ring.

“Marlene…”

“It’s a deep blue moonstone. Set in a band of six unicorn hairs hardened by three days of boiling in Scintillating Solution. It’s very interesting—he explained all of it to me—”

“ _Marlene._ ”

Marlene put her hands in her lap and began to twist her ring around. “I couldn’t say _no_.”

“Couldn’t…couldn’t say no? You are _seventeen._ You aren’t even done with school yet and you think you can get engaged?”

Marlene took Lily’s hands in hers. “You’ll know what it’s like soon enough, with James. Then you’ll get why I can do this.”

Lily discarded the notion that James was going to propose any time in the near future. “Why—why would he even ask you to do that? Why would he think it’s okay to lay this on you?”

“It’s different, Lily. Muggles get married late in life but in this world…we do it young. We do it for our families. We do it to get away from our families. It’s different here and that’s why it’s okay.” Marlene swept her hair from her face and turned away.

Lily squeezed her hands. “Don’t cry. Just tell me more. Tell me _exactly_ what is going on.”

Marlene glanced at the sleeping girls. 

“Shh,” Lily said. “They’re fast asleep for now.”

Marlene twisted to face Lily and sat without speaking for a moment. “His dad always thought that when he retired…Jason would already be married and there would already be insurance.”

Lily narrowed her eyes. “An heir?”

Marlene sighed out a yes. 

“That’s kind of insulting.”

“No—that’s not the only reason!” Marlene tossed her head. “Anyways, Jason knows I’ve been trying to find a way to get out of Mum and Dad and Evan’s way, so I can keep out of their…their nonsense! It’s perfect, really. We’ll get married over the holidays and I’ll finish out my coursework by December, I’ve already talked to McGonagall about it, and by this March I can start informal training before I apply to Auror Academy—”

“Wait—finish in December? What’s that mean?”

Marlene looked stricken. “Oh. I…I won’t be coming back. After the holidays.” 

Lily’s mouth was dry as cotton, as if she had just woken from a deep slumber and was still lying in bed. Perhaps she was. She shook her head. “What?”

Marlene got up. She paced before Lily, brushing out her hair and twisting that blasted ring around her finger. “Look, Lily—”

Lily jumped up from her bed. “I…I need a minute, okay? I’ll talk to you later—end of the day. Okay?”

“Lily—”

Lily shoved past her and was out the door in seconds. She clattered down the steps to the common room and marched right over to the boys’ staircase before she stopped.

She couldn’t go up there.

Lily gritted her teeth. She had no idea what was really going on between her and James. She did not know how much he cared for her or whether they were really, _truly_ on the way to a real relationship. She put her hand on the wall, but the yanked it away as if burned. There was a morning…one morning when she had run into James, covered in grass.

Where else would a bloke like that go, if not the Quidditch Pitch?

It was a long walk but she made it in record time. The wind bit at her face and she pulled her sleeves over her hands, regretting not bringing a cloak. The sun was just rising, but Lily could not bear to look at it. The sound of the wind echoed in the Pitch, but she glanced around anyway, ready to bear it out if she could just…

Talk to him.

He was not there. Lily wrapped her arm around one of the goalposts. She gulped down a breath of air, then stumbled out to the very middle of the Pitch. She got down on the ground and sprawled out in the frosty grass.

_Marlene. Gone._

Lily turned her hands over and dug her nails in, ripping out two sizable chunks of frozen grass. It was surreal. There was _no way_ Marlene could just up and go, to get married for God’s sake….

Lily brought her frigid hands to her face. It was much too cold to remain outside, so she got up and dusted the ice of her clothes. She wiped her face, but she was not crying. She began a slow, mechanical walk back up to the castle. She had only been outside for ten minutes, but she was already freezing. She let herself back in and went straight into the warm Great Hall, ready to eat something. No, not ready. How could she eat with this _feeling_ in her stomach?

James was at the table with Sirius, who had his head on his elbow and was snoring grotesquely. Lily took two steps toward them, but then stopped. Sirius still hated her, even after that dreadful project they had done together.

“Lily,” James called, and waved her over. Sirius’s head shot up and he looked from side to side, then finally settled on Lily. She swung her legs over the bench a respectful distance from James and put one waffle on her plate.

“Could you please pass the syrup?”

It was next to Sirius. Lily waited a moment. Then she reached over to get it herself—she had to stand to do so. James pushed her hand back, grasped the sticky handle, and set it down beside Lily’s plate. He gave Sirius a clear look of warning. Lily sat again.

“Good morning. Where’s Marlene?”

Lily frowned. “Somewhere around here.”

James was _staring_ at her, tapping his fork on his plate. “Oh, really. Having a row, are you?”

Lily narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, actually.”

James quirked an eyebrow, but went back to his stack of pancakes. “Do you know what she’s doing over the hols yet?”

Lily watched him lift a forkful of fluffy pancake in his mouth, almost daintily. “Why, James, you sound as though you already know.”

“I might have some idea, yeah.” James shrugged, swallowing. Lily let her own fork fall onto the table with a sharp sound. 

Sirius looked disgusted. “Get a _room_.”

“We aren’t even acting like… _anything_ ,” Lily told him, gripping her fork again and waving it in his disgustingly handsome face. “Sirius Black, I have _tried_ with you. I have tried so hard and you shut me out at every turn, as though I’m here to wreck your life. And you know I’m not—”

Sirius simply got up and left. He did not say a word to James, nor to Lily. She threw up her hands. “Worst morning. Ever. Ever, ever, ever.”

James had obviously stopped eating when Lily started complaining. “Yeah, sorry. I…I know about Marlene.”

Lily had no words.

 

“I want—need to talk to you—about everything, Evs. But I’ve got to…” he jerked his thumb in the direction Sirius had gone and trailed off. Lily nodded. 

“Go on, then.”

James brushed his fingers over her knuckles before he left, and somehow, that was quite enough to get her through the next several hours.

**……**

“Hey, Evs.”

Lily jumped and the papers she was holding flew into the air. “Shi—what are you doing here?”

James raised his eyebrows. “Er…I work here.”

“Oh, yes. Well. Do you think you could—”

“You aren’t about to ask me for _help_ , are you?” James stooped to gather her papers and Lily resisted the urge to kick him in the nose.

“No…”

“Good. I can’t help you, anyway. It’s against the rules. Only your—”

“First-year guide can help me, yes, yes, I remember.”

“So who’d you get?” James handed her the papers.

“Some girl who left Hogwarts a couple years before us. Becky Denby. You know her, right?”

James adjusted his glasses. “You could say that.”

“Mmm.” Lily glanced around. They were standing in a dark corner of one of the vast filing rooms, hemmed in on three sides by shelves. “How’d you find me down here?”

“I asked around.” He lifted his wand higher and grinned at her. “Then I just sniffed you out. You wear a lot of perfume, you know.”

She shoved him.

“Violence!”

She blinked. It was the first reference either had made to that night in his room since their decision to be real friends. “Yes. I’ll work on that.”

“So, I found you for a reason. I’m off to lunch with Padfoot—I mean Sirius—and I’m not coming in tomorrow—I’m helping Mum with some stuff. I just wanted to ask you something to make sure you don’t put it off any longer.”

Lily fixed him with a pointed stare.

“Your Mum,” he said quietly.

“You came all the way down and over here to talk to me about my Mum?”

“Obviously. So…what? Are you going to go see her?”

Lily shrugged. “I have several days left.”

James laughed. “Oh, right. And obviously you won’t spend too much time here and ignore what you have to do. That’s not like you at all, is it?”

Lily began to look at the files again.

“I’ll go with you. You know, for moral support.”

She cut her finger along the edge of a folder and cursed.

“Evans…”

Lily pursed her lips and turned towards him. He was suddenly too close. A little too far away, though.

“Why would you want to come with me?”

James’s eyes went the slightest bit duller and he moved away from her. “Okay, then.”

“Wait! No…”

“I don’t care about this friends shit,” said James, finally. “Just—you know I fancy you, so please just answer. Do you want me to come with you? We can go…later today.”

Hearing him say things like that always did it for her. “Okay. But how about tomorrow?”

“I can’t—Mum, remember?”

Lily chewed her lip. “I’m off at three today—Becky’s got somewhere to be. Three-thirty?”

“I’ll dodge Sirius. Your flat, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He reached out and squeezed her hand. “See you.”

And he Disapparated. 

The hours had never moved faster. Lily filed and watched some designing but could barely pay attention, and by three-twenty-five she was out the door and all ready, turning, squeezing, appearing inside her bedroom and then hurrying downstairs so she could meet James at the door.

Three-thirty came and went. Lily tapped her foot on the stone and steps and glanced about. Where was he? She found out when the door behind her slammed open and James whacked her on the back of her head with his hand. 

“Oh—sorry, Evans. Your sister’s a right bitch, yeah? Kicked me out!”

Lily rubbed the back of her head and smiled weakly. “Oh…I thought you meant to meet out here.”

James put an arm around her shoulders. “Not important. So—where are we off to? Let’s take our time, we’ve got plenty to chat about.”

Lily hesitated, then reached her hand up and took hold of the one resting on her shoulder. “It’s a long walk.”

“Fine with me. If I’m with you, I mean.”

Lily looked down at the ground, astounded, as always, by his casual comments. How wonderful to be so sure of one’s self…

“Hey there, Lily Evans. Remember me? Shall we be on our way?”

“My mum is staying with her mother. I don’t know if she’ll see me.”

James began to lead her down the steps. “Two days before Christmas—maybe she’s in a forgiving, spiritual mood.”

Lily let herself smile. “Well…yeah. Maybe.”

James tightened his arm and squeezed her hand, still caught in his. “So I wanted to talk to you about some stuff.”

“Mmhm. You said.”

“Marlene, first of all.”

Lily let go of his hand and crossed her arms. “I think we covered it all in the last discussion.”

James rolled his eyes and made a grab for one of her hands again. She twisted out of his reach, her nose in the air. She was bit angry, actually. It was not all an act. James laughed and pulled her back. “Come on. She just…needed someone to talk to.”

“And you told her to _go for it._ ”

“Should I have told her not to?” He paused. “For your sake, maybe?”

A sigh escaped her. “No…I’m not pathetic. I mean…I don’t need people thinking I am.”

“What I didn’t tell you is that—well, she wasn’t going to do it. Because of you. That’s really why she was talking to me, I know it. She wanted to go and she wanted me there for you when she did. I’m convinced she orchestrated the whole Sarah thing, you know.”

“She did, I asked her. So…you’re here right now for Marlene’s sake? Okay, you can go home.” Lily ducked her head down to hide her smile as he stopped short and put his arms around her. He was warm and alive and it was just lovely—she imagined how they looked to the busy people on the street, two people wrapped up in each other…were the envious? She would be, watching two people like that.

“Listen, Evans.” He cradled her face in his gloved hands. “I could bribe you and hopefully make your knees weak if I wanted but instead I’m just going to ask you _nicely_ to let everything that’s happened before now go.” He hesitated, then pressed his cold lips to her cheek. “Sound good?”

She tightened his scarf around his neck. 

“I guess not, as you’re trying to _choke me_.” Another moment of hesitation…and then he brushed his thumbs across the sides of her face and kissed her on the other cheek.

“You could not make my knees week. And we can just Apparate now.” Lily licked her lips.

“It’s nice walking with you.”

Lily shut her eyes, feeling as though she should be on the verge of tears from the strangeness and greatness of this. She wasn’t, though. She was getting used to this. How odd. How odd that he should be turning again and pressing his hand into the small of her back, leading her forward. How very, very, very odd.

“They’re not getting married right away, you know. They were going to, but now they’re waiting until next month.”

“That’s smart.” James shrugged. “And you know, it’s not that strange. When my dad and mum went to Hogwarts, girls used to get married during their sixth or seventh year. Sometimes they would finish school from home, and other times they would stay at school and go to their husband’s house for the school holidays.”

“But that was ages ago, right? When did your dad go to Hogwarts?” asked Lily.

“Well, that was _rude_. My dad’s not that old right now.” James gave her a one armed hug and Lily laughed.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah. Er…he started in 1921.”

“1921!”

“Yeah. He’s ten years older than Mum, and she had me when she was forty. He was the class of ’28.” 

“Wow. That was way back when.”

James pinched her arm. “No more quips, Miss Evans. So really—are you okay about Marlene? You’re not lying, are you?”

Lily stayed quiet so she could think. “It’s not…it’s selfish of me if I say I want her to stay. Not because she loves him, but…”

James waited for a moment. “Go on.”

“Because she’s a better person when she knows he’s there for her,” said Lily in a rush. “I mean this past summer, when I ran into you in Diagon Alley, and at your birthday, it was like…like she was trying to make you like her. She was flirting with you even though she…even though she wasn’t really interested.”

James cleared his throat.

Lily blinked away sudden tears. “I…she never used to _be_ like that. It started the year before, when her parents found out she was seeing him. Evan Rosier, her brother, he…he went after Jason like it was his job to do it. He threatened him, said he would kill him, _tried_ to kill him—I think he ordered a hit, but that’s just me, Marlene doesn’t believe he went that far—and Jason couldn’t do anything but leave—”

James shook his head. “That’s not true.”

“Well, they broke up. And to Marlene it was the ultimate betrayal, from everyone involved. And after that she just got… _snide_. Hurtful, sometimes. Like putting me down made her better, and then other times she was so _sweet_. I couldn’t hate her, you know?” Lily wiped her cold nose. “And now when she talks to me is like she used to be. She’s nice all the time because she knows she’s in control. She’s doing this because she can, and maybe that’s a mistake, but it makes her _so happy!_ ”

It took another fifteen minutes for them to navigate the crowded streets and reach the address Lily knew by heart, even though she had only visited her grandmother’s three times in her seventeen years. Lily glanced at James. He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, fixing her with an expectant stare. 

“What?”

He laughed, somewhat incredulously. “Er…aren’t you going to go up?”

Lily tapped her foot on the wet sidewalk. She reached her finger out and pushed the buzzer for her grandmother’s flat.

“Yes?” 

Lily jumped and snatched her hand back, cradling it to her chest. She looked to James for guidance, but _he_ was looking at _her_ , quite bemused. “What?”

“That’s my line.”

“For Merlin’s sake—what, Evans?”

“That was my mum.”

James’s gaze softened, and then he stepped forward and pressed the buzzer for her. “Yes? Who is it?” said Marigold’s voice again, sounding irritated. James waited, but Lily still said nothing. James pressed again.

A window opened on an upper floor. It was a small building, only four stories. Lily looked up and met her mother’s eyes. She couldn’t see James, who was under the ledge over the door. There was a pregnant pause, and then the outer door unlocked with a sharp _clickunk_. James grabbed the handle and pulled it open before Lily waited too long. “Go on.”

What would she say? Would they need to say everything, or would they let some things be understood?

She wanted to ask him to come with her. Instead, she walked into the stark lobby and went directly to the stairwell—she knew the lift was rather unreliable. Her journey up the stairs was surprisingly swift, and she was panting by the time she got to the fourth floor. She looked up from her feet and bumped into her mother, who was standing at the open door. Marigold looked at her, then stepped aside to allow Lily in.

Immediately, the sound of claws scrabbling over tile met Lily’s ears and a small terrier stood before her, snarling and nearly _yipping_ , a high-pitched bark that made her clap her hands over her ears. “What the—what is _that?_ ”

“It’s a dog, Lily. What do you think it is?”

Lily took a step back. “It doesn’t…it doesn’t seem to like me very much.”

“She’s not very friendly with strangers.” Marigold reached down to pet the dog. “I’m sure she’ll get used to you.”

Here, at least, was something about which they could safely talk. “What’s her name?”

“Eden.”

Lily looked down at her mother, still crouched over the dog, whose tail was now wagging.

“When did you get her?”

Lily’s mother stood and looked at her. “Honestly?”

Lily frowned.

“Honestly, I bought her a year ago. Mum’s kept her. We didn’t really have the space back home. It was a rash decision, really. Your Grandmother’s at the Church—it’s a busy time of year. I was about to take Eden out for a quick walk.”

There was a silence.

“Do you want to come, Lily?”

Lily might not have, if her mother hadn’t called their apartment, and not this place, _home._ As it was, she nodded and waited for her mother to get the dog’s leash. She clipped it onto her collar and led Lily outside. She locked the door behind her and let the dog precede them down the dark stairs. Lily had her hand on the wall so as not to tumble down. She held the door open for her mother and jumped when the dog began that horrendous _bark_ again.

“Oh—sorry, ma’am. Cute dog—whoa. Sorry, about that. Not very friendly, yeah?”

Marigold looked helplessly and suspiciously at James, putting an arm in front of Lily, as if to shield her from view.

“Mum,” Lily began, about to introduce him, but he sent a look that said _don’t._

“Sorry,” he said again, and he gallantly held out his arm and inclined his head, motioning for them to pass. Marigold went down first, and James tucked Lily’s hair behind her ear before letting her follow. “See you,” he breathed, and then he walked her down the steps, let go of her arm, and turned in the opposite direction before Lily’s mum turned around.

“Boys can be so _odd,_ ” Marigold said disapprovingly, and Lily cleared her throat. She still didn’t know what to say. Marigold tugged on Eden’s leash when she tried to force a harried shopper into a corner by way of yipping and the dog raced back to her mistress, panting. She would be cute if she weren’t trying to bite Lily’s ankles. “I was wondering when you would come see me.”

“You knew I was back?”

Marigold nodded. “Of course. Your father leaves messages if something important happens. Mum hates it. She’s extra tetchy, after Dad had to go away on business for Christmas...”

“He leaves messages? You don’t take his calls?”

Marigold sighed. “Lily…”

She expected Lily to say something, but Lily couldn’t bring herself to respond.

“I won’t—no, that’s not it…I simply _can’t_ talk about it with him. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this.” Marigold adjusted her leather gloves and blinked several times in quick succession. “But I supposed I owe you an explanation—I owe you one more than anything.”

Lily also blinked.

“I don’t know what came over me, Lily. I don’t know who I was, that night. I’m glad you don’t have any scars.” Marigold ran her fingers along Lily’s cheek, where her scratches has been all those months ago.

This time, Lily blinked to alleviate the burning in her eyes. She took her mother’s free hand, and then she wondered when she had gotten up the nerve to do so. 

“After that everything fell apart. Your dad—he could barely look at me. He tried to find you, but Petty finally convinced him you would get in touch if you…if you were in real trouble. We didn’t speak for weeks, me and your dad.” Marigold squeezed and Lily felt oddly detached as the sensation traveled up her arm and to her brain. “I spent more time here than there, and finally I just…I left in November. I sleep in the guest room. Mum and Dad are half ecstatic—they never did like Reed, but they’re also…they’re disappointed. I never thought Mum admired me for going after what I wanted but she…she told me she did.”

“I’m sorry about all this, Mum,” Lily managed to say. It was hard to talk when she was keeping herself from crying.

“I’m…proud of you, too, Lily. The way you refused to give in. I knew right then that I was wrong and I just…I _couldn’t_ admit. I’ve always been like this. I want to go back home but I can’t, not when there’s so much left to say, and I—” Marigold stopped and took her hand from Lily’s. She stopped walking and put it over her mouth, squeezing her eyes shut. Lily had never seen her mother so vulnerable.

“Mum,” she tried, “don’t…”

Eden barked at their feet, startling them both. Marigold shook her head and wiped away her tears. She held her fingers against her lips and moment more and then turned to Lily. “I’m glad you came,” she said hoarsely. “Look at me—I haven’t even said a proper hello.” She lopped Eden’s leash around her wrist and put both her arms around Lily. Lily returned the embrace stiffly, but when her mother said her name, she tightened her arms and dropped her head onto Marigold’s shoulder, rubbing away her tears.

“How about a cuppa? I daresay Eden’s had enough of the great outdoors.”

Lily looked down at the dog, who looked up at her with something close to dislike in her brown eyes. She stepped away from the dog, who barked again. She thought suddenly of James, walking with her all the way to her mother’s, waiting outside in the cold, and then leaving.

“That sounds good. And—I have a lot to talk to you about, Mum. About Dad…”

Late in the evening, when she was again walking in London’s cold air on her way home, Lily buried her hands in her pockets and thought of James again. What was he doing, right now? Would she see him tomorrow? No—he was _helping his mum with some stuff,_ that’s what he had said. Lily paused in the snowy streets and tilted her head back so she could see the stars. Her mother had once told her that for every person in the world who ever loved another in any way from the beginning of time, a star was born.

They were so _bright._

She fell into bed as soon as she got home. Preparations for Christmas Eve dinner began as soon as Petunia stalked into Lily’s room the next morning and yanked her blankets off, depositing Lily on the floor as a fringe benefit. Lily stayed on the floor, clutching her pillow, for a good ten minutes until Petunia walked back in and stood over her.

“Get. Up.”

“ _Petty…_ I have work in a bloody hour!”

“Work?” Petunia asked. “On Christmas Eve? That’s barbaric.”

“Eight until two. It’s not that bad. Why are you up the effing early anyway?”

“Grandmother called last night.”

Lily’s head shot up from her pillow and she struggled to get up from the floor. “Oh?” she squeaked, worried that Petunia would find out about her visit to Marigold yesterday.

“Yes. She and Mum are going to stop by around four. Do you have any idea how much we need to clean? Grandmother has _never_ come here.”

“Yeah, okay—so I’ll help you now, and then can you do the cooking, and then when I get home at two I’ll do whatever you need—I’m of age, so I can do magic to clean, but I’m not experienced with food—”

Petunia stepped back. “I’m—I’m going to Marcie’s—they’re closing at two, but I’ll get everything now and…”

“Yeah, um…I’ll have everything clean when you get back. Where’s Dad?”

“Asleep. Stay quiet.”

“Yeah,” said Lily yet again. She waited until Petunia left the bedroom, still glancing around as though expecting Lily to jump up and start waving her wand around. Lily did just that, but she waited until Petunia was out the door and on her way to the market. It didn’t take more then half and hour to do the dishes in the sink, dust all the necessary surfaces, mop the floors, and put away the assorted knickknacks. She took a quick shower and was just finished fastening her robes when her dad knocked on her bedroom door.

“Come in!” she called, placing her wand in her bag and hefting it over her shoulder. 

“Lily? Going to work?”

“Yeah—I’ll be back at two. Are you…I mean, Petunia’s gone to the market, and she’ll start cooking sometime during the day…I suppose we’ll have an early dinner, around four.”

Reed nodded, then shut the door. Lily heard his slow footsteps, and then the sound of his own bedroom door opening and closing. She shivered, shaking off the feeling she always seemed to have in his presence, nowadays. Lily picked up her wand, turned on the spot, and opened her eyes in the lobby of Potter Enterprises. She stowed her wand back in her bag and began walking towards the lifts, but instead bounced off someone’s chest.

“Oof—I’m sorry—oh, hello, Daniel.”

He smiled at her and Lily went a bit weak in the knees. She was human, after all. “Hello there, Lady Lily.” He saluted her. “I thought the troops were coming in at eight.”

Lily glanced at the huge clock behind the main desk. “Well, yes…I just—I came a bit early.”

Daniel draped a friendly arm across Lily’s shoulder. Lily stiffened, but supposed he wasn’t doing any serious harm. “So have they got you working designs yet, or are you still doing mounds of filing?”

“Filing,” she muttered, jerking her head to the lifts. “Becky won’t let me near a designing board except to instruct me on how to do things she then doesn’t let me actually do! She barely lets me carry them from room to room.” She stabbed the up button with her pointer finger. “She’s on the Gringotts project, which is obviously very hush-hush and important, but honestly, I’m not an idiot. I can carry a big _board_ down a corridor.” 

 

Daniel laughed as they got into the lift. “Sorry about that—she’s not inclined to like you, yeah? I’m responsible—someone threw a list of names at me and said pair them up. It was only after the first day that I thought what a disaster the two of you could be.”

Lily shrugged his arm off her shoulders, uncomfortable now that he had kept it there for so long. She glanced at her reflection in the mirror, saying, “What do you mean?”

“Well—James Potter, of course.”

Lily whipped her head around to look at him. “What?”

The lift doors opened and an uncharacteristic amount of sound startled Lily, but she kept her eyes on Daniel, whose mind was already elsewhere. “What’s all this, then? Crisis, it seems.”

“Daniel Carrow—”

He was gone. 

Lily, too, stepped out of the lift. Becky immediately accosted her. “Thank _Merlin_ you are here early. Even twenty minutes counts. Come on, the goblins must be having a field day. Even Potter’s come in today after that stunt they pulled!” She grabbed Lily’s arm and pulled her over to one of the small back rooms. “They’ve pushed up our deadline and said they won’t pay full price if we don’t meet it. A mess, that’s what this all is! I’ve got in here a _master copy_ of the biggest set of vaults they want to put in. I need you to make sixty copies and _check them_ to make sure they’re all good.”

“ _Sixty!_ And check them! That’ll take hours!”

“I have you until two. Get to it. I’ll see about getting you some help.” Becky pushed open the door to the room and left. Lily glanced inside. It was small, probably as big as her apartment’s sitting room. There was a wooden box in one corner where Lily would put finished copies when she was done with them—it was divided into slots and descended for processing when it had ten copies in it. There was a shelf against the right wall with paper and design boards, as well as easels to set up stations.

Copying finished blueprints was a strange task: it was scut work that required responsibility. Normally, a client only needed five to ten copies, but this was such a huge project and the goblins were so _fussy_ that they needed more. Lily could not just wave her wand and create a copy—it took at least five minutes for her to copy the three layers of the design, and at least ten to check that they were perfect as she went along. She threw her bag down and took off her cloak and outer robes. It was inordinately hot in the room—it was good for the ink, though.

_“Descripito substructio!”_

The first layer of ink began to appear on her copy; lines shot out from the center of the paper and went every which way, detailing the basics of the new vaults soon to be built in Gringotts. She matched these lines up with the original, squinting to see the bottom layer and distinguish it from the other two. Satisfied, she uttered _“Descripito modus!”_

The measurements appeared on the paper. Rolling her eyes, Lily leaned closer and cross checked those on the original with those on the copy. Perfect. _I am so good at this._

_“Descripito medicates!”_

She had to shut her eyes for a second as bright colors flared over the paper. She blinked away the spots in her eyes. The last layer of design was the protective spells, and copying the charms meant bright lights, glittery lines, and nightmarish authentication.

“Hello!”

“ _Shit!”_ Lily jumped and whirled around, almost knocking over her completed copy.

James tilted his head to the side and grinned at her. “At your service.”

Lily had to grin. “Glad to hear it. Quite the coincidence.”

“Hell, no. I asked around to see what you were doing and offered my skills up for the taking. Dad stole me from Mum today.”

“So I get you.” Lily looked over her shoulder at him. “Sounds okay.”

James scratched his head. “Er…there’s kind of a catch.”

“What’s that?”

“We have another helper.”

Lily raised her eyebrows. 

“Prongs, could you _tell_ me where you are going next time? Please? It makes sense, if you stop to think about it for _five_ bloody seconds. Cuts down on the time I spend looking _everywhere_ for you. Oh, hello, Evans.”

Lily put her wand down. “Sirius. Hey.”

James shrugged. “He’s spending Christmas with us, so…”

“No, of course. I can use all the help I can get. Do you two know what you need to do?”

James produced his wand from his sleeve and nodded. “We spent two days last winter doing this in this same stupid room.” He shrugged off his cloak, robes, and locked his eyes on hers. “It gets hot, I’m warning you.”

Lily ducked her head to keep her smile from Sirius. “Is that right? Well, let’s get to it, then.”

Sirius removed his heavy outer coverings as well and took a stack of paper. He picked up the original board and took a step toward the back wall of the tiny room.

“What are you doing?” Lily asked putting out a hand to stop him.

“I’m hanging it up so we all three can see it without crowding around. Okay with you, Evans?”

Lily sighed at his tone and gritted her teeth. This was James’s _best friend._ “That’s fine, Sirius.” 

He attached the board to two clamps that were obviously there for just such a purpose. He returned to the station on Lily’s left and began working. She kept an eye on his work as she carefully rolled up the copy she had made, labeled it, and sealed it. She went over to the corner of the room and dropped it into one of the slots, then went back to her board. 

By nine, they had almost completed fourteen copies between them and they took a break. James was their slowest worker. “You think you’d be _good_ at this,” Lily said, and he reached out a hand to pinch her. Lily pulled back, smacking his hand away.

“He’s worried he’ll make a mistake,” Sirius explained. “Chandler would have his head.”

“I’m not _scared,_ ” James said scathingly, finishing the fourteenth copy and sealing it. He stowed it away.

“I never said scared,” Sirius said without missing a beat. “I said worried.”

Lily heard Becky’s voice in the hall. “Oh, damn! Double damn! No breaks!” She snatched up her wand and raced over to her board, almost tripping over her own feet in the process. She was bent over the fifteenth copy of the day when Becky threw open the door.

“ _Sodding_ _HELL!”_ Sirius yowled, gripping his nose. “What the bloody hell was that, Becky? Couldn’t you exercise a little _caution_?”

In the chaos, James had walked back at his board and was (apparently) hard at work. He looked up, saying nothing. Lily watched with interest, remembering what Daniel had said in the lift. “Stop yelling, Padfoot. _Episkey_ _._ ”

Becky examined Sirius’s nose, gripping his chin and turning his face from side to side. 

“Good one,” Lily said to James. “Where’d you learn to do that so well?”

“You should be glad, Evans, or I’d sue Becky for ruining my bloody face!”

“We’ve had a lot of broken noses over the years,” James said, ignoring Sirius. “And bloody is right. _Evanesco_ _!”_

The blood on Sirius’s face, clothes, and Becky’s fingers disappeared. Sirius grimaced. “It’s in my mouth. I’ll be right back.” He walked out the door, presumably to the loo. 

“Sorry!” Becky called after him. She turned back to Lily. “Now, how are we doing?”

“Fine, Becky. This is the fifteenth.”

“Looks good. Don’t screw up, or it’s my head on Mr. Potter’s desk.” Becky looked at James (did she think Lily was not _noticing?_ ) and then back at Lily. “Okay, I’ll be back in a couple hours. You can leave when you’ve finished.”

Lily wanted to argue (what if this took until after two?) but she kept her mouth shut. She nodded. “Yeah. All right.”

Becky left the room. Lily finished checking her second layer and turned to James. “Daniel Carrow said something strange to me today.”

James froze. “You’ve been talking to Carrow?”

“I was in the lift with him. He said something about me and Becky being a bad match because of you. Well, he was apologizing. He was the one who made the pairs and he said he didn’t realize—”

“That’s bollocks,” James burst out, finally dropping his wand. “He knew exactly what he was doing if _he_ put you together!”

“What’s the problem? Did you go out with her?”

“Kind of.” James shrugged, picking up his wand.

Lily hesitated. “Can you…be more specific?”

James twirled his wand in his fingers. “I hooked up with her this summer.”

“This summer?” Lily repeated, swallowing.

“Yeah, Lily. This summer. The hot season that came before fall.”

Lily put a hand on her hip. “James, come on. Don’t be like that—I’m just curious.”

“You’re _jealous._ ”

She went back to her copy. “Is that some sort of problem?”

“No, just…Pad—Sirius is going to be back soon. Can we have this conversation later?”

“I think the conversation is _over_.”

She finished her third layer. James was tapping his wand on his board, and she knew he was looking at her. Sirius returned, and James turned him just as Lily sealed her copy. “Listen, can you go down a level and ask for some more copy paper?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, but he turned and went, grumbling all the while.

“What are you on about? There’s more paper in the cabinet—you can call him back.”

“I know that. He doesn’t. Come on, listen to me.”

“I’m listening. I’m just working at the same time.”

James waited a moment, then took her wand from her hand as she looked up. He set it down and took her hand. “It was only once. It was like…a week before that day you missed the meeting and needed me to shrink stuff for you, ‘cause of your mum.”

Lily shook her head. “I’m not mad. I was just confused.”

“And jealous?” He grinned at her, pulling her closer.

“Depends. What do you mean by hooked up?”

James (actually) gulped. “Well—”

“More than making out, then,” said Lily shrewdly, looking into his eyes. 

James mumbled something. Lily leaned forward and he tried to kiss her, but she twisted her head to the side, smiling up at him. He sighed. “She gave me head.”

Lily’s eyes dropped shut and she could just _see_ it. She tightened her hand on his shoulder. 

“Are you angry?”

“No,” she said, her voice a little too high pitched even to her own ears. “I just think I’m a bit of a voyeur.”

James’s head turned to the side and he stared at her. He jumped back when they heard Sirius in the hall. 

“Here,” Sirius barked, dropping the huge stack of paper on the side shelf. He looked at Lily and James. “Now let’s finish already.”

**......**

Everything was going so well. Obviously, then, James was waiting, waiting for the thunderclap that would signal the swiftly falling hand of fate, coming to end his lucky streak. He supposed he could do that himself, by talking to Sirius about Lily. He refrained from doing so, knowing it would only bring about misery. For instance, on his way to Sirius’s apartment for a little time with the boys, he tried to think up a story for the guest he was going to bring. He would have to mention Lily, but he would have to do it in a way that did not arouse Padfoot’s suspicions. He pressed the buzzer for Sirius’s apartment.

“What?”

“It’s me.”

“What’s that sound?”

“Er, nothing. Well, I’ll explain when I get up there.”

Sirius let him in. James winced, hurrying up the stairs. Sirius was waiting at the open door and he shook his head as soon as he saw James. “No! No way! Get it out of here!”

“Come on, Padfoot! You like dogs!”

“Not dogs that are smaller then my left arsecheek! What’s that thing _doing_ here?” 

Eden gave three high-pitched barks in quick succession. Remus and Peter appeared behind Sirius.

“Prongs, what is—”

“It’s a dog! Are these questions truly necessary? Could you move _out_ of the way so I can come in?”

“No mongrels allowed.” Sirius crossed his arms and tried to stare James down.

“Oh, come on, Padfoot,” Remus cajoled. “Wormtail’s a rat and you’re…you. I doubt one more mongrel is going to be a problem.” He clapped Peter on the shoulder.

“There!” cried James. “Thank you! Eden! Heel!”

Eden obviously had no idea was this meant, and the look she gave James said as much. She strained at her leash, snarling at the three boys in the doorway. 

A door opened down the corridor and a young girl, perhaps around eleven or so, poked her head out. Seeing the dog, she put her hands on her hips and marched towards them. “Mr. Black, pets aren’t _allowed_ in here. Especially loud, scary, dogs!”

Eden began to chase her own tail, twisting the leash around and around. James held fast. Eden stopped, faced the young girl, and barked.

Sirius sighed. “Go back to where you belong, or I’ll tell the super about that cat you’ve got hiding under your bed.”

The girl sniffed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, right.” Sirius rolled his eyes, then went into his flat. He came out with a lollipop, which he threw down the hallway. “Fetch.”

The girl gave him a scathing look, walking away with as much dignity as she could muster. They watcher her snatch up the lolly before disappearing back into her flat.

“A little young, isn’t she?” asked Peter. He ducked Sirius’s swat and backed out of the hall.

“Get in, then,” Sirius mumbled, “before someone hears it.”

“It’s a her. Her name is Eden.” James followed Sirius inside and shut the door. “I promise she’ll behave.”

“You named your dog Eden?” Remus asked. He paused and sniffed the air, then gave James a knowing look. “ _Your_ dog? Smells—”

“Er…” James was saved from answering by Sirius, who tripped over Eden’s leash and went sprawling. James clamped his mouth shut and pulled Eden back. She was yipping in Sirius’s face, snapping her teeth right by his nose. Sirius glared at her.

“Little bitch,” he said grumpily.

James reached down to pet her. “Hey, be nice to—goddammit, you need to learn how to behave with strangers, you little piece of—”

He stopped himself, breathing heavily. During the long walk from Lily’s mother’s flat to Sirius’s, Eden and he had reached an impasse of sorts. Now Eden had just tried to bite off his fingers.

“That’s it,” said Sirius, and suddenly he was Padfoot. He growled at Eden, barked, and took a step forward. Eden began to bark frantically and she scampered around to hide behind James’s legs, tangling the leash around James’s body. Padfoot stalked forward and barked at Eden again. She whined and James’s winced. 

“That’s enough, I think she’s terrified by now—Padfoot, stop!” Padfoot growled at James and for once, James was scared. “What? What’s wrong?”

Padfoot transformed back into Sirius.

“That’s your dog, is it?”

“Er…”

“Smells an _awful_ lot like Lily Evans.”

“Yeah, about that…”

“That’s Lily’s dog?” asked Remus.

“It’s her mum’s!”

“Yeah…because that’s better,” said Sirius, throwing himself down on the couch. “She’s got you bonding with her mum’s dog!”

“She’s supposed to be watching her for a couple days but she has to go to work and her sister won’t do it today! Eden, will you please get away from my leg?” In the 

Eden poked her head between James’s ankles and whimpered, looking at Sirius. 

“You realize we were all supposed to hang out today?”

“So what’s that got to do with this little thing? She’s harmless now that you’ve given her a heart attack.”

“Shut up, I don’t like little dogs.”

“Look—I’m just doing Lily a favor. I owe her for all the grief I give her when we’re working out patrols and stuff. I’ll tie her up to the doorknob and we’ll play some exploding snap.”

Remus pulled out his wand. “Silencing charm?”

“Oh, absolutely,” said James, sighing as Eden went dead silent. He tied her leash to the doorknob, rubbed the top of her head, and grinned in relief. “Much better. Thanks, Moony.”

“No problem. She was giving me a headache.”

“You?” James said. “The first time I ran into her she tried to rip my foot from my leg.”

“Been hanging around her a lot, have you?” demanded Sirius. “Spending lots of time with Lily and her _mummy_?”

James ignored this. “Why don’t we talk about New Year’s? We’ve only got two days left to plan.”

“Obviously, because Lily is the be all and end all of your manhood—you do just what she says—”

“Dad’s hosting the island party on Barbuda this year—he’s going to run out of islands eventually—”

“It was Saba last year, yeah?” asked Peter. “And what was it the year before? Something French?”

Sirius was done ranting about Lily, now that James was obviously ignoring him. “Terre-de-Haut,” he called from the sofa, his voice muffled by a cushion. He was the only one of the four who could speak French. Girls loved it. He was by no means fluent, but he could hold his own in a conversation, which was more than James could do.

“Yeah, that’s it,” said James. He took a seat in the armchair by the crackling fire. “So my dad’s putting everyone up overnight and they’re both going to stay there, so we’ll have the house to ourselves.”

“The usual crowd?” Remus crossed his arms behind his head and put his feet on the coffee table.

James hesitated. “Yeah. Everyone.”

“Y’know,” Sirius said, his voice clear now that he was lying on his back, “Lily seems like the kind of bitch who doesn’t like dogs.”

“She does like them,” responded James stiffly.

“Makes you wonder why she’s agreed to watch that little monster,” said Remus thoughtfully.

There was a silence. James glared at Sirius.

“Maybe she uses her to get off.”

“Ah—Sirius!” James said, covering his eyes. “Can’t you just leave well enough alone, you prick?”

“Okay, okay.” Sirius held up his hands. “Truce, yeah?”

“We’ll see,” grumbled James. Peter laughed.

“Hello?”

“What the—”

“Dad!” said James, cutting across Peter’s curse. “Hey!”

“Hello, boys.” Chandler’s head was in the fire—even then, he looked exhausted. “James, I know it’s the holidays and you’ve been working hard, but it would really help if you could come in today. We’re giving the final presentation to Gringotts today and it’s chaos—just answering mail would be enough—”

“Er…” James hesitated. He sighed. “Okay, Dad. I’ll be right there…”

Chandler was already gone.

“Sorry, mates. Guess we’ll have to—”

“Oh, no!” said Sirius, jumping up from the couch. “You are not leaving that—mouse-puppy crossbreed here with us!”

“But I’ve really got to go,” James said, inching toward to fire and the floo powder on the mantle. “You three can handle it. She needs a walk around three, and I think I should be back around six—”

“James—” warned Remus, as James threw a pinch of floo powder into the flames.

“Gotta go! Be nice to her! Potter Enterprises!”

“JAMES!”

James was still laughing as he stumbled out of the fireplace in the ornate lobby of Potter Enterprises. He patted his pocket, where his wand was, then drew it out after a moment and transfigured his jeans into a pair of decent trousers. He was smoothing out a wrinkle in his shirt when he heard someone call his name. 

He spun toward the fireplace behind him, terrified that it was Sirius holding Eden. He heard his name again and realized it was coming from the lounge area. He walked by several potted plants and spotted Marlene in a chair, reading a magazine.

“Hey!” he said, trying to hide his surprise. “What’re you doing here?”

“Lily’s on lunch in a couple minutes. Wanna come?”

“Er…yeah, but I can’t. I’ve gotta stay here.” There was an awkward pause. Marlene tapped her foot on the granite floor. “So…how goes it?”

“Oh, the regular arguments with my parents, settling in at Jason’s, this and that…it’s hard. I’m trying.” Marlene gave him a rueful smile. “I’ve been hearing nice things about _you._ ”

“About me?”

“Yeah. Lily’s really gone on you, you know. She was…really torn up about her mother, but you were good at helping her there. Better than me, I reckon. I couldn’t have gotten Lily to go see her.”

James smiled. “Thanks. I—well, thanks. Anyways, we’re doing New Year’s at my house. You should bring Jason.”

“Sounds good—we might not be able to stay the whole time, but we’ll come by.”

“Great—could you let Lily know? I don’t know if I’m going to see her—”

“Yes, you will,” Marlene said, going back to her magazine. “She’s just come out of the lift.”

James turned and caught sight of her hair. She was laughing. With Daniel Carrow. “Oh, fucker,” James cursed, clenching his teeth.

“Pardon?”

“Nothing, Marlene. I’ll see you around.” James strode forward towards Lily. She glanced up, saw him, and such a smile stole across her face that Daniel Carrow flew from his mind. He met her in the middle of the lobby and gave her a smile of his own.

“Afternoon, Potter,” said Carrow.

“Yeah, hey. Excuse us for a moment.” He took Lily’s arm and led her over to the side of the large square room.

“What are you doing here?” she asked softly, tilting her face up.

She was just so _pretty._

“Dad needed some extra help. Everyone’s running around for the presentation today—it’s at three, right?”

Lily sighed, putting a hand to her forehead. “Yes.” She looked down at the ground and frowned. “Do you even…do you even want to do this?”

“What?” _Them?_ James thought with panic. _Is she wavering on whether she wants me?_

She motioned around them with her hand. “ _This._ This place. Do what he does.”

James squeezed her waist in relief. Just work, then. “It’s not important.”

She raised one eyebrow.

“No,” he said exasperatedly. “I mean—I’m trying to find a way to break it to him, that I’m not interested. I used to think I wanted to—do we have to talk about this now? Can we save this topic for when it’s actually important? Actually, no, let’s talk about it. Why are you asking?”

She brushed her hair away from her face. “You only come here when you need to. And you never really do anything important. I’d think if you wanted to take over at some point you would be in the thick of it, charming goblins and making more contacts and showing everyone how great you are—”

“I’m great, am I?”

“Shush—I’m being observant. Take this presentation today. You’re not even coming here for it. You’re coming to hold things together while other people are working on it.”

“True. But I am getting more involved, you know. I’m giving a speech at my dad’s New Year’s party.”

“Are you, now? A party?”

There was something wrong with her voice. “Yeah. And that’s happening on some lightly populated island in the Caribbean, so the Potter house is empty and I’m having people over. You’re coming.”

She tossed her head. “Really? Are you asking or telling?”

“I’m knowing. You’re coming. You adore me and you wouldn’t miss it.”

“I _adore_ you? Aren’t you being a little too cocky?”

“No, you definitely do.”

“And how do you know that?” She stroked the muscle in his upper arm. James had never been so glad he played Chaser before.

“Because you haven’t looked at anyone else since you saw me, and you’ve just spent ten of your forty minutes for lunch talking to me while Marlene sits over there and waits for you.”

She squeezed his arm. “Ten points to you for figuring it out. But now you’ve reminded and I really do have to go.” She took a step away from him. James caught her arm again and dragged her back.

“Wait. I’m not done yet. I haven’t talked to you since Christmas Eve—”

“I know, and my mum came, by the way, but I’ve _really—_ ” Lily stopped short.

“James.”

James pursed his lips, because he could feel what was coming. “Yeah?”

“ _Where_ is Eden?”

“About that—see, I was with the boys and—”

“You left my mother’s dog with Sirius, Remus, and Peter?!” Lily hit him on the chest. “Is she going to be _alive_? My grandparents are coming back today and they’re picking her up at five—they are going to be _furious_ if I tell them I pawned her off on you, and then even angrier when they find out she wasn’t with the person I gave her to in the first place and—”

James grabbed Lily’s other arm. “Evans—calm down!” 

“James, come _on._ They aren’t big fans of me to begin with and now _this_. They love that little dog and they are going to ask question after question if she’s not there when they come because that’s the way they _are_ —oh, you suck. You suck. Are you even going to be out of here at five?”

James hesitated.

“You aren’t! Oh my god, I have to go to Sirius’s and pick her up! Alone! That dog hates me, she tried to bite me just this morning—”

“Me too! See, we’re equally hated—”

“And she is going to hate me even more after I let you take her and give her to Sirius Black—”

“Okay, I’ll take a break and go with you to get her—”

Lily rolled her eyes. “No, there’s no need to do that. Don’t be silly. I’m completely overreacting and I’ll get her, just—let him know I’m coming so I don’t get in trouble or anything. He doesn’t know, does he?”

James looked up. “Know what?”

“About us, of course. Do any of them know?”

“What us?”

Lily’s mouth snapped shut. “I mean—just—well, we—”

“I’m kidding.”

“I—knew that.”

“No, you didn’t.”

There was a silence. Lily gripped the fastening of his cloak with one hand and put the other on his chest. She leaned her weight against him, not looking him in the eye. 

There were a lot of people going in and out of the lobby. It was a huge room with sparkling granite floors and walls of the same material, just several shades lighter. The company logo was engraved into the wall at eye-level every couple feet around the room, and the guard at the reception desk saw everything from his place by the lifts. 

It was a public place.

James now dragged her over to the reception area, where only Marlene was sitting. She was still reading her magazine. Imported trees surrounding the couches and fire made it more secluded than the rest of the lobby. 

“Keep that magazine in front of your eyes,” said James to Marlene, and he caught her quick smile before she lifted her reading material a few inches higher. James turned back to Lily, who was looking at him ruefully. 

“I wasn’t really angry about Eden, you know. Just anxious,” she whispered.

James knew this and didn’t need to be told. He was more interested in what she knew. “I know I haven’t asked you out, but I—I thought I was clear about what I wanted.” He glanced over at Marlene, who had begun to whistle. “You know I want you, but I want you to know that I…that I really mean it. For the long run. A real, bona fide relationship.”

“How can you be so open?” she blurted out. “It’s not fair how it’s so easy for you to come out and say stuff like that.”

“I know what I want, and I know you want it, too.”

She shook her head. “Well, yeah, but I’ll never get how you can be so…confident—you know what, never mind. I wasn’t looking for an invitation to Hogsmeade, just…something concrete.”

“Concrete?” James repeated. He put his lips next to her ear. “I’m fucking over Sirius for you. I’ve never done that before. That should tell you something.”

“Lily and James,” she murmured. 

“Exactly. Sounds nice, yeah?” He forgot to whisper. “So—what do you say?”

“I say lunch is useless now,” called Marlene from her couch.

“Shut it,” Lily said. She looked back at James and lowered her voice so Marlene couldn’t here. “I say we shouldn’t tell your friends, that’s what I say. Sometimes I can barely deal with…” She colored. “Forget that, it’s just that I want them to like me. I _need_ them to like me, and if I’m with you and they know it they’ll just see it as me ruining whatever you four have got going, and I should… _we_ should see if it can work. Because it can’t if they hate me—I don’t want to be sniping at Sirius all day and night—”

“Night?”

“You know what I mean.”

James glanced at the clock. She had twenty minutes left to eat.

“Okay, fine, but if I can’t tell the boys then _you_ shouldn’t tell Marlene we’re set in stone.”

Lily’s mouth dropped open. “That is _not_ fair!”

“Neither is that fact that I’m starving, but I let you have your huge discussion and I want to talk to Lily now.”

“Shut it,” said James and Lily.

Marlene gave them the finger and ripped open her magazine again.

“Fine, I’ll tell her we’re not sure yet, if you at least tell the boys we’re good friends so they don’t freak out over me hanging out with you sometimes.” Lily raised an eyebrow and looked at him. “Okay?”

“Yeah—I’ve got to go now, too.”

Lily’s eyes flitted to Marlene, who was leaning back with her eyes closed. No one in the lobby was looking past the trees at them, either. No one they could see, at least. Lily stood on her tiptoes and caught James’s bottom lip with her teeth, gnawing lightly. She kissed him then, rubbing her mouth against him, and put her hand on his thigh. “You deserve a punishment for making me go and get Eden, though.”

Just like that, James was _hard._

“Wait until New Year’s,” she said then, pulling back. “And I make no promises about Marlene. She’s a smart girl. And she’s not really sleeping, she definitely just saw that.”

James said nothing.

“Well, quick lunch today, I suppose.” Her voice was back at it normal level. “I’ll see you around. Come on, Marlene.”

“Oh, finally?” Marlene stood and picked up her handbag. She and Lily linked arms. “That was some kiss,” she said as they walked away.

“We’re working things out. Nothing _concrete,_ not yet.”

“You two were being too quiet, I couldn’t even hear what you were saying, but he’s totally going to have to take care of his blue balls now…”

James did, indeed, make a stop at the restroom before reporting to his father.

**……**

He dug his bare feet into the warm sand and wriggled his toes, sighing. He swirled the champagne in his glass around, imitating the motion with his head to stretch out his neck. His eyes fell on the bright sky and he titled his head back in the wake of the warm breeze coming toward him. The pavilion just behind him, filled with guests, graced the top of a large slope. At the base, gentle waves lapped at the white sand, teasing the ankles of the young children trying and failing to build beautiful sand castles. To James’s left was an inlet, and on the other side was an outcropping of rocks that acted as a barrier for the pounding waves on the far side. James sipped from his glass.

“Beautiful water,” said Sirius, coming up behind him.

James nodded. He could not find a color or shade to do it justice, but it was the gorgeous blue advertised in adverts for trips to the Caribbean. His mind jumped to Lily and he wondered what she was doing. Here he was, on an isolated island near the equator, drunken women in coconut bras swaying their hips to whatever music was playing all around him, and he thought about Lily.

As he very well should.

“Bet it’s warm, as well,” he said, giving Sirius a sidelong glance. He had learned not to mention Lily around Sirius by now. Sirius had played his part in Marlene’s ploy to give James and Lily something to talk about, but he was unwilling to hear anything about the results. 

Sirius gave no reply. He toyed with a tiny paper umbrella. “Your dad,” he began, turning his face to James.

“What about him?”

“Your mum, too. They’re proud of you.”

James blinked. “Why do you say that?”

Sirius tucked the umbrella behind James’s ear and pinched his cheek. James knocked his hand away. “He’s never as happy as he is when he can be proud of you.”

“He can only be proud of me when I’m doing exactly as he wants.”

“Like you didn’t enjoy all that attention,” scoffed Sirius. “Hundreds of people…”

James shrugged.

“It was good. Not too long. You kept it funny. Who knows how you did that without _my_ help.”

“Thanks for coming,” James said, fighting a smile.

Sirius clapped James on the back. He took James’s glass and raised it to the sky. “Thank you, for this lovely chance to have a party without Mother and Father Potter around. Can I bring a friend?”

Sirius was still gazing upward, purposefully not looking James in the eye.

“The blonde?”

“The brunette.”

“Do I even know her?”

“Sure. She’s your father’s top engineer’s youngest daughter. Nice laugh.”

James shrugged. “Yeah. Let me tell them I’m leaving.” He turned and stepped onto the wooden pavilion, bypassing dancing couples until he found his parents. He studiously ignored Becky Denby, who was flirting with James’s least favorite person in the room, Daniel Carrow. “Mum. Dad.”

Chandler Potter twirled Annabelle out and then in, then gave James an uncharacteristic grin. “James! Fine job today, son. Brilliant, I’d say. Wouldn’t you, love?”

“Just marvelous,” Annabelle replied, steadying herself against her husband. “Need something, dear?”

“Sirius and I are going to take off and go home.”

“Are you sure you boys don’t want to stay the night?”

“Nah.” James shook his head.

His parents exchanged a _look,_ one that said they knew what James was planning. “I want my home just as I left it last night,” Annabelle warned.

James grinned. “No worries.”

“I’m still worried,” Chandler said. “We’ll check in…about three hours from now, a little before midnight there, all right?”

“Everything will be under control,” James said, and he saluted.

His father laughed—actually laughed. 

James swallowed hard and went to get Sirius before he screwed anything up. He bumped into his friend on the way to the Apparition point. The brunette was right behind him.

“ _Voila_! James, this is Helene. Helene, _il_ _s’appelle James_.”

“ _Bonjour_ ,” she greeted throatily.

“She’s no good with English. I suppose she’ll have to rely on me to show her around.” Sirius poked her in the side and she giggled.

“Hello,” James said, bemused. “I have a friend who speaks French—she’s much better than this bloke. Maybe you and she can chat.” He paused, realizing she wouldn’t understand.

“Who’s that?” Sirius said sharply.

James glanced at him. “Marlene. Something wrong?”

Sirius shrugged, too casually. “No. I just never knew there was someone around I could practice my skills with. _Nous avons une copine qui peut parler francais,_ ” he told the girl, translating James’s message. “ _Mais elle n’est pas aussi captivante que moi.”_

“Well…now you know about Marlene. Not that it’ll do you any good, since she’s not coming back. Ready to go? Er— _prete_ _a partir?_ ” he tried, not sure if he had gotten it right. It was passable, because Helene nodded, giggling again.

“ _Oui_ ,” Sirius said, graciously offering Helene his arm.

James rolled his eyes.

The house was already lit up and ready to go, thanks to Remus and Marlene. James wondered if…he let himself think it, now that Sirius was occupied. He wanted to know if Lily was inside. He walked just a bit faster, throwing open the front door and letting Sirius-and-girl trail behind. “Hello? Anybody here?”

Jason McKinnon’s face appeared from around the corner at the end of the hall. “James. Happy New Year!”

“Same to you. And…congratulations, yes?”

“Oh yes,” McKinnon said, grinning. James hoped they hadn’t shagged in his bed or something.

“Where’s Marlene?”

A smile spread across McKinnon’s face again. “Upstairs somewhere. Remus is in the kitchen.”

“Tell him I say hello, will you? I need to change into something a bit warmer.” James hurried up the stairs and nudged the door to his room open. Marlene was standing at the dresser, capping a lipstick or an eyeliner pen or…well, capping something. James waved. “Happy New Year.”

Marlene turned and leaned against the dresser. For once, she did not hug him. “Happy New Year,” she returned quietly.

James cocked his head to the side. “You’re quiet.”

“Peaceful,” she corrected instantly, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “It’s almost nine. People should show up any minute now.”

“Yeah. Sirius brought some girl whose dad works for mine. She only speaks and understands French—maybe you could help her out.”

Marlene raised her eyebrows. “James, that’s like…impossible. Obviously her dad knows English, so she should, too. _She_ _eez_ _probably pretending because she theenks eet eez sexy.”_

“Yeah, well…her names Helene.” James didn’t know whether he should ask the next question. Perhaps it was not his place. “And about Lily…are you two…”

“We’re okay. Well, she says she’s okay with it. I hope she is.”

“Mmm. Where—” James stopped talking. He had not realized it, but the shower had been running and it had just turned off.

“We’ll all be downstairs waiting,” Marlene said, squeezing past him. She paused, then reached up to hug him. “I know you two aren’t all the way there yet.”

_Good job, Evans,_ James thought.

“But I know how Sirius is, so I’ll cover for you two. I hope you work it out.” She walked down the hall and James shut his door, then crossed the room to the adjacent loo and opened that door.

It _was_ Lily, wearing _his_ robe and carefully applying something shiny to her mouth. She looked up at him as he entered. “Why, hello.”

“Hey,” James managed. There was no doubt that she was naked…in his robe.

“Remus said it was okay if I showered here. Do you mind?”

“Not at all.” 

She smiled and shrugged her shoulder so his robe slipped down a little, revealing bare skin. “You’re out of shampoo, you know.”

James took a step closer. “Yeah?”

“Mmm. Shall I pull up the robe or just…leave it?”

“You’re being quite forward.”

Lily pushed her hair back from her face. “D’you fancy me?”

“I’ve told you about a hundred times….”

“Exactly. So I can be as forward as I please since I know you like it. Do you?” She met his eyes in the mirror.

James did not answer her question direction. He waited until he couldn’t bear to keep the words in. “Can I touch you?”

Lily did not blink. “I suppose. It doesn’t matter very much to me.”

James’s eyes widened. “Doesn’t matter!”

She shrugged. James came right up behind her. He wondered if Sirius wondered where he was. He hoped not. His hand went to the sash of his robe and he tugged it open, immediately slipping his hand in so he could feel flesh. Her skin was still damp from her shower.

“No knickers,” he said, taking inventory. He trailed his fingers up her stomach and she quivered under his touch. So much for it not mattering all that much to her. His fingers reached the underside of her breast. “No bra.” He drew his hands away and backed up two steps. 

“Come back,” she said after a moment, reaching a hand out behind her. James let the tips of his fingers touch hers. She turned, leaning against the sink. “It’s only fair that I get to touch you.”

James swallowed. “I…need to change. You get dressed.” He turned, rather unsteadily, and left the room, hoping she would follow. He did move slower than usual as he crossed the room to his closet, to give her time to put something on. Perhaps he should have let her come out in his robe. He opened the door (it took an age) and the bright lights went on automatically.

He squinted, dimmed them with his wand, and began to change into clothes that better suited the weather. His jeans were on and then his shirt hit the floor, and then Lily walked in and shut the door behind her.

Hair down and dry. Jeans. Bra.

“Planning to kill me, yeah?”

She didn’t say a word. Her hands started on his chest, slid up his shoulders, and went around his neck, where they stopped. For once, her face was set, she was not nervous, and it was so _different_ from what he knew her to be.

What he _thought_ he knew her to be.

“Fucking jeans,” he said against her mouth. “Take them off.”

How was she not hesitating? She backed up until she hit the door, and then, instead of taking off her jeans, she eased a hand inside and tilted her head back. “They’re a bit _tight_ ,” she murmured. 

She was too good to be true. James finally found his voice.

“Let me help you…”

She made a little sound.

“…with that.”

His fingers were rough and clumsy as he worked them over her moving hand to undo the buttons and let down the zipper. He yanked them down just enough to give her room to maneuver, pulling her knickers down a bit in the process.

“Oh… _Jesus_ …”

James wanted to say something clever to counter that but he wasn’t thinking very quickly, so he put his arms around her and dug his fingers into her backside. Lily stilled and trailed her hand up her torso, hooking her heel around his ankle and pulling his leg closer. “Why don’t you take over? You know, punishment, for Eden.”

There was no way he could stand to resist. One hand went in her hair and the other dragged around her side so he could slip his fingers into her knickers, where hers and just been. 

“I’ll have to ask Sirius how that went, one day,” he breathed.

“Don’t _fucking_ mention Sirius right now,” she said fiercely, and James shivered. He bent his face to her neck but her hand on his neck moved to his chin and she tightened her grip, turning his face to hers. “Look at me.”

He did, not moving at all, not making a single sound, just looking, just panting. Her face was mostly shadows in the dim lights, and her lips were glistening. James felt her foot against his leg again.

“I never knew you could be like this,” was his first thought, and he voiced it.

She stayed silent, her eyes never straying from his.

“Normally you’re so…insecure.”

He’d said the wrong thing, because she smiled tightly and shrugged. “Yeah. We should—”

“Wait.”

She did.

“My fingers’re still in your—”

“James?”

Lily contracted against him, around him, with him, everywhere. She hastily tugged her jeans and knickers over her hips, knocking his hands away. 

“James!”

“Changing. In the closet,” he called.

“Hurry up. Word’s out and there are a couple more people than we expected.”

“I’ll be right down.”

“Okay.”

They waited until Sirius closed James’s bedroom door. 

“Ten more minutes,” James burst out in a whisper, pressing her harder against the closet door. 

“That’s too long. We should—”

He fumbled yet again at the fastenings of her jeans, jerking his hips against hers.

“James…”

“Evans, come _on._ ” He put his lips near her ear. “Come on…remember that night on my bed?”

“Uhn,” Lily managed, her mouth open, her eyes glassy. James almost came right there and then. She surprised him, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his neck.

“James! What the fuck’re you doing in there?”

“I’m—”

The door opened and James rocked back on his heels to avoid falling over, making a grab for Lily at the same time. They fell backwards and her knee slammed down on top of his thigh, so his boner was taken care of right then. Then one look at her cleavage in that bra and it was a battle to keep the blood circulating around his body properly.

“McKinnon, you shit—”

“Sorry,” Jason said, holding up his hands. “Marlene sent me. Er…I’ll just…turn around then, yeah?”

His eyes lingered on Lily’s chest, for she had just rolled off James and flopped onto her back. She picked up James’s discarded shirt and covered herself with it.

“Don’t bother,” she muttered. “You two go on down. I’ll be right there.” 

James was standing by now and he held out a hand to help her up. She grabbed it, giving Jason a pointed glare. 

“Oh, right,” he said. He whirled around. Lily plucked a shirt from a hanger and handed it to James, then shoved him out the door. She slammed it behind him and he jumped, then motioned for Jason to leave with him. 

“Sorry about that, James.” Jason clapped him on the back as they started down the corridor. “Didn’t mean to—”

“S’okay. She’s fucking hot.” James brushed the wrinkles out of his shirt. “You can appreciated…as long as there’s no—intent, you know?”

“Of course not. Marlene. Love and all that.” He paused. “I sound like it’s nothing. It’s…not.”

James smiled. “Yeah. Listen, please don’t tell anyone about…y’know. Me and Lily together.”

Jason frowned. “Er, yeah. If you don’t want me too, then I won’t.”

Lily caught up with them then. She squeezed James’s shoulder. “Hey.”

He twisted around to smile at her. “Yeah.”

“I know,” she said quietly in his ear, letting Jason go ahead of them. “Keep it quiet.”

James stopped her at the bottom of the stairs. “You know I haven’t _kissed_ you in ages?” His words were quiet, covered by the clamor coming from the kitchen.

Lily wound her arms around his neck and pressed closer. “I know…it’s quite sad. You’re not much a go-getter, now are you?”

James laughed and pushed her back against the wall. He tried to keep the kiss soft and teasing, but she threaded one hand in his hair and began to run the nails of her other along the nape of his neck. He kissed her harder, rubbing his tongue against her palette and gently biting her lip. Lily put her hand on his cheek as he pulled away.

“James,” she sighed, but she was smiling.

“I know,” he said, even though he didn’t. Couldn’t possibly. Never would. “Happy New Year.”

**......**   



	10. Chapter Nine: Vermillion

**Chapter Nine: Vermilion**

**{ _Little House_ , by The Fray}**

**\--** _unrighteousness_ _, lust, rust, false covering_ **\--**

**……**

_January 1978_

 

Honestly, what kind of idiot agrees to keep something like this quiet from three people he normally tells everything to? How stupid does a person have to be to pretend he’s not dating a girl he’s been obsessed with for years? How much fortitude does it take to pull something like that off?

_“Yeah, Evans, just like that…”_

The kind of bloke who gets to have dreams like this and not feel like the _slightest_ bit of guilt, that’s who.

_“Lilyyyyyy…”_ he hissed, and then a bright light flashed in his eyes. James jerked awake and blinked. Something sharp hit him in the cheek; upon closer inspection, he realized they were his glasses. He crammed them on his face and met Remus’s eyes. James wiped a little drool from his chin.

“Er…hey. Morning.”

“Take care of that before you come downstairs,” Remus said, nodding towards James’s tented pajama bottoms, “or finish the wet dream. Padfoot was so irritated that he left without waking you.”

“Could I, uh…have some privacy?”

“By all means,” snapped Remus, and then he crossed the room.

“What the fuck’s eating you?” James called at his back.

Remus slammed the door shut. The sound, oddly enough, triggered guilt held at bay by sleep. James closed his eyes, then opened them and got up, glancing at his bedside clock. He would be missing breakfast today. Twenty minutes, one freezing cold shower, and a stubbed toe later, James raced into Advanced Transfiguration and threw his stuff down on his desk. Sirius glanced up. “ _Dessicato_ _!_ ” he muttered, pointing his wand at James’s hair. James was instantly warmer. “Trying to land yourself in the hospital wing for a dose or two of Pepper-Up, Prongs?”

“No, some hairy git decided not to wake me this morning.”

Sirius held up his hands. “Hey, I had my reasons. I didn’t want to ruin your dream. And I was scared that you would cream yourself just when I opened the hangings or something. Had an enjoyable evening, did you?”

Class began, saving James from answering. With ten minutes left in the class, Sirius threw a ball of parchment at Remus. Remus glanced at it, looked back at Sirius and James to roll his eyes, and then began scribbling a response. James tapped his fingers on the desk, waiting to see what was going on, when he felt something that felt suspiciously like parchment collide with the back of _his_ head. He turned in his seat and picked it up from the ground, meeting Lily’s eyes on the way back up. She was sitting behind him, by herself. 

_So I suppose WE were entertaining your friends last night?_

James looked slantwise at Sirius, but he was busy having a war on paper with Remus and Peter.

_Yeah…this is killing me, Lils._

_Care to tell me about it?_

_I can’t stop having dreams about you and needing cold showers in the morning._

Lily cleared her throat at this. He heard her scratching out her response, her quill moving across the parchment, forming words that were sure to drive him mad.

_Maybe we can try to recreate some of them._

James didn’t bother to write anything down. He turned around completely in his seat and stared at her.

“Potter!”

James spun back to the front of the classroom. “Yes, Professor?” he asked, saluting her.

“I am teaching at the front of the room, not seated next to Miss Evans.”

“I’m terribly sorry, Professor McGonagall. Lily won’t stop throwing balls of parchment at me. Quite distracting.”

“ _What?”_ Lily asked from behind him. James took in the people staring at him and smiled.

McGonagall walked down the length of the long classroom toward him and held out her hand. “Has it occurred to you, Mr. Potter, that there may perhaps be a _purpose_ for these projectiles? Messages, perhaps?”

“Well, no, Professor, I can’t say it has. I wasn’t thinking that way, but we’re in Transfiguration, you know, so I did a little extra credit.” James opened his hand and revealed not a ball of parchment, but instead a yawning, tabby kitten. It was no secret what McGonagall’s Animagus form was. James did not imagine that the professor softened the slightest bit and took the kitten from his hand. Just then, the bell rang.

“Detention, Mr. Potter, for sheer cheek. And you, Miss Evans, for giving him reason to put on a show of his numerous talents. Eight o’clock.”

Lily literally squeaked in outrage. McGonagall must have been in a particularly bad mood—she normally took points away for those who did not pay attention in class.

Sirius nudged James. “She thinks you have _numerous talents._ ”

James stifled a laugh. “It’s a he, Professor,” he called to the front of the room, but McGonagall waved him off, no smile visible on her face.

“James Potter—I have loads of work tonight, and now I’ve got to do it all after spending hours in detention with you?” Lily grabbed the sleeve on his robe as they entered the hall.

“Like you couldn’t do your work in say, two seconds, Evans,” Sirius said, smiling at her.

James, Lily, Remus, and Peter fell silent and stared at him.

“What?”

“Nothing,” said Lily hastily. “I’ll be going now.” She turned, but this time James caught _her_ sleeve. She said nothing, simply looking at him with an expression of curiosity on her face.

“Evans.”

“I gathered you have something to say, James, as you won’t let go.”

“Yeah. Sit with us at lunch today.” He let her go and she shook his hand off, nodding. She walked away from them down the hall and James threw his arm around Sirius’s shoulders. “What was that?”

“What?” Sirius met his friends’ eyes with his own widened pair.

“You smiled at her,” pointed out Remus. “For real. And—I’m _not_ making this up—you compliment here.”

“I think I know what’s going on here,” Peter said ominously looking at James, then Sirius. He crossed his arms. “Something to tell us?”

James cleared his throat.

“Oh, never mind, Padfoot. It’s obvious. You’re a prick to Prongs about Lily Evans because you want her for yourself.”

Peter’s comment broke the tension and the four boys laughed. Sirius began leading them down the hall toward Charms. “Oh, yes. No—come on now, lads. I can be nice when I want to. She’s being respectful of my space and I’m rewarding her for it.”

“She’s not a _dog_ ,” Remus said, laughing.

“She sure takes orders well. I’m sure she’ll be sitting with us at lunch.”

James hit Sirius. “ _You_ come on now. Her best friend’s gone—who else is she going to sit with? You know, I fully intend to be at least good friends with her in under a week. You’ll just have to get used to her.”

“Only if she stays this amusing, Prongs.” He let out a bark of laughter at James, Remus, and Peter’s confused expressions. “She has Charms with us.”

He waited. 

“She went in the _opposite_ direction. Trying to get away from me being nice. Supposed I scared her, yeah?”

“Oh, yeah!” said Peter, laughing. Remus and James exchanged looks. 

“Like that’s the only entertaining she’s good for,” said James slyly, grinning.

“No talk about your wet dreams,” warned Remus, as Lily rushed into the room, panting, and took her seat. 

Charms was endless, and James was ecstatic to get out. Lily was conspicuously absent during lunch. James resolved not to show his disappointment and made a point of laughing with Sirius, glancing at the door every few minutes. No one mentioned her, and James did not want to inject her name into the conversation, fearing what it would bring. 

“So tomorrow we’re going down early to the Shrieking Shack, all right?”

James focused on Sirius. “Yeah. Sounds good. Wait—why?”

“It’s January.”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay.” Every January, the four boys spent the entire day after classes of the first full moon in the Shrieking Shack, instead of going down an hour or so before moonrise. 

“Oh, you’ve got to be shitting me,” Sirius exclaimed, putting down his fork and pinning James with a glare.

“What?”

“You’re thinking about Evans, aren’t you? And that fucking whelp, the dog that nearly tried to bite Peter’s bits off—”

“Did not,” Peter grumbled.

“Little bitch. She was a suck-up to Remus because she could tell he was a big bad wolf and she didn’t go anywhere near me—”

“Well of course not,” cut in James, rolling his eyes, “not after that stunt you pulled with— _Snuffles_ the big black dog!”

“ _Snuffles?_ Snuffles? Do you want to throw down right now? My name is not _Snuff—_ ”

“Fine—and I’m not thinking about Evans’s dog—I was thinking about—” James cast about for something other than “her eyes (actually, her arse),” and settled on, “her mum.”

The boys were silent, and then Remus sputtered, “Her _mum_?”

James hesitated. He hadn’t shared any specifics about Lily’s situation with his friends—he had, for once in his life, restrained himself from spilling everything. It has not sounded like something Lily wanted to share.

“Lily doesn’t…she had some problems with her mum this summer.”

“What kind of problems?” asked Sirius, his voice vibrating like a taut string, vibrating with familiarity—who knew better than Sirius, the frustration and loss that came with estranged family members?

James had the decency to make sure no one else was listening, and then he began telling her story. He was clumsy with it, mostly because he knew, deep within, that he should be keeping this to himself. 

“Wow,” said Sirius when James had finished. “I never even suspected.”

“Yeah, well—”

The bell rang and James jumped, looking around. His felt slightly sick—his stomach was clenching.

He needed to see Lily.

“I have Runes,” said Sirius.

James, Remus, and Peter took Arithmancy, and the two classes were in opposite directions. James knew Sirius and Lily had Ancient Runes together, and he wondered whether Sirius would say anything about Lily’s problems with her mother…

James was jittery all through Potions, because Lily did not look at him once, and later in the day, he anxiously awaited her arrival in the trophy room for their detention, pacing back and forth and glaring at Argus Filch, who was smiling gleefully.

“Double detention that’ll be,” he muttered, “for being late to this one—”

“You can’t do that,” James sneered, just as the clock chimed the hour.

Filch opened his mouth to respond, showing his yellow teeth, but then Lily burst into the room. “I’m here!”

“Late,” snapped Filch.

“By thirty seconds!”

“Late,” Filch repeated. “Get to it, all the gold—polish and rags are right there, and don’t break anything, or I’ll be getting out the chains, rules or no…give me your wand.” Lily handed it over with a regretful look and he placed it next to James’s—they would be able to pick them up when they had finished polishing trophies and medals. “Two Heads in detention,” he sneered. “Seems Professor McGonagall thinks you can handle yourselves, but you’ll have company all the same.” He looked pointedly at his cat and shuffled from the room, muttering about disrespectful students and dastardly rules.

“I’m cross with you, you know,” stated Lily, folding her arms over her chest. “Why don’t you get started on this job, yeah?”

James shook his head, ignoring Filch’s cat’s accusing gaze. “No way. It’s your detention, too.”

Mrs. Norris meowed insistently. James and Lily ignored her.

“ _You_ got me into this with a lie,” she said loftily, hopping onto a glass case that reached waist-height and crossing her legs. Looking hard enough, James could see up her skirt. He was silent, examining the long line of her legs as they disappeared into the darkness that hid—

He looked up and caught her eyes. She was all-knowing, Lily Evans, jiggling her foot and making her skirt lift up and down.

“You’re appallingly randy,” she said conversationally and James did not reply, though he agreed wholeheartedly. He bent and picked up a rag, then opened a standing curio. Mrs. Norris raised her paw to swipe at Lily’s leg and get her working, but Lily reached a hand down and scratched her between the ears, calming her. James was shocked.

“This won’t take long,” was all he said, still surprised by how easily Mrs. Norris left Lily alone.

Lily made a disbelieving sound. “Oh, really? There are about five hundred different trophies in here.”

James turned to grin at her. “He said all the gold, before he left. There’s plenty of silver and bronze in here, but not really that much gold, you know. I would, I’ve spent enough detentions in here. Gold’s reserved for really _special_ awards.”

“Oh.” She flicked a lock of red hair back over her shoulder. “Well—even so, I suppose I’ll help you, then. I was passing notes, I did deserve this. A little,” she amended firmly, staring James down. He held up his hands in capitulation. She shrugged out of her robes and tossed them over the case she had just been sitting on. Mrs. Norris rubbed her face against Lily’s ankle.

“You can punish me however you want.”

Lily was biting back a smile—he could tell. “Shh.”

They worked in companionable silence, while Mrs. Norris walked back and forth in front of the entrance to the room. There were three gold trophies and two medals in James’s case, and he finished with those before moving onto the next one. He glanced over at Lily and almost choked—she had dropped her rag and had bent over to get it and her knickers were sky blue and there was a bit of lace, wasn’t there? James blinked and she was upright again, but he was suddenly right behind her.

“Wha—”

“Your turn to _shh_ ,” he teased, glad she had taken off her robes. He pulled up her skirt a little and rubbed his fingers over her upper thighs.

“James, you’ve got polish all over your fingers.”

“Oh, come on, it’s made from herbs, it’s not going to do any damage to your—”

“It just doesn’t _feel right_ ,” she said hotly, pulling from his grasp and seizing a medal. She rubbed at it with great concentration. “This—I mean, we’re dating! And no one knows!”

“You suggested that,” James pointed out, deciding not to let her know she was working on a bronze medal. He started to polish, as well.

“I know I did, but…I thought you’d fight me on it, honestly. I feel wrong, with your friends not knowing and Marlene still in the dark.”

“I’d have thought you were the kind of girl who’d get off on sneaking around.” James kicked at Mrs. Norris to get her away from them.

“Oh, don’t tease like that, James—I always feel—desperately uncomfortable that someone might turn the corner and see us and tell your friends and just—start this whole big thing—”

“So, what? You want to tell them?”

Lily stopped polishing. “What?”

“I said—”

“Yes—I do—but if you’re sure, and if you’re not, then I give in and we can stop discussing it for a very long time—””

“Well, good. Tomorrow after classes, then. We’ll tell them. And you can tell Marlene. And you can stop polishing bronze medals, you’re just wasting time.”

“Oh—bollocks. This is stupid.”

James gently took her rag from her hands. “How about this—I’ll finish polishing all this shit if you promise to dole out that punishment you’ve been promising since you had to pick up Eden.”

Lily smiled. “That’s hardly fair. If you finishing polishing I’m sure we can call it even.”

“I was quite certain I’d _enjoy_ whatever you wanted to give me.”

“All right, then,” said Lily, lifting her chin. “You finish here, and I’m yours until midnight.”

James swallowed. He looked down, took in her trembling fingers, wanted to pull her terribly close, and then softened. “Mine, is it?”

“Yeah. Yours.” She paused, opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. “Within reason.”

“A condition?” asked James, already moving his cloth over an old, battered trophy. “That’s not very nice.”

“I’m not the bravest of souls, here.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“Fine, then. Agreed. Take a seat and let the master work.”

She did, petting Mrs. Norris absently. They did not speak, but it was the most comfortable silence they had shared since that day in the lobby of Potter Enterprises. There was an acceptance and unification in deciding to tell their friends they were dating. It was hardly surprising to James that time passed with aching slowness, as if every minute ticking by caused the great castle clock immeasurable pain, and led to the inevitable and agonizing retarding of time. James closed the last glass case of the night and the dome of light around their wands disappeared. As if this were her cue, Mrs. Norris jumped from Lily’s lap, hit the floor, and trotted out of the room, meowing for her master.

Lily picked them up. She gave James his and began to twirl hers with long, slim fingers. “So.”

The word charged the very air around them. James gave her a slow smile, then took her hand. “I’m warning you now, we’re about to break some serious rules.”

Lily pulled back, laughing. “What do you mean?”

“I’m going to show you something—it’s kind of a secret.”

James had been debating showing her the Marauder’s Map for some time now, but after spilling her secrets to his friends, he supposed it was okay to show her one of their secrets. He pulled it out from his pocket and spread the parchment out over a counter. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” he said solemnly, then watched Lily’s face as ink bloomed on the paper. 

“What—wow, James, what’s this?”

“The Marauder’s Map.”

Lily raised her eyes to his. “This is brilliant—did you four _do this_?”

James shrugged. “Oh, yeah. We _are_ brilliant, as you know—”

Lily was no longer listening. Her eyes were glued to the map.

“Enough marveling—”

“There we are!”

“Yes, now let me see—” He leaned over the map and placed his finger near their dots on the third-floor trophy room. “All clear—we’ll be able to get through with no problem.”

“Get through?” “Mischief managed!” James said, sidestepping her question. He folded the map and put it back in his pocket, then took her hand. “I reckon we have until midnight before anyone wonders why we aren’t back from detention, so we’ve got almost two hours. Come on.” He tugged on her hand then led her out of the room, down the corridor, and up a staircase. Down another corridor, this one dimly lit, and they stood before a huge, ornate mirror. 

“Ready?”

“Ready for _what?_ ” asked Lily, still utterly bemused.

James lined up his hands with the tiniest of cracks near the side of the mirror, at waist-height for him. “Do what I do,” he said to Lily, and then his real hands met his image hands, and the mirror dissolved and he was able to walk through it without so much as a moment’s hesitation. He lit his wand and held it above his hand, then waited anxiously for Lily. She appeared, her eyes dazed.

“Sometimes—things here are just so magical…” she trailed off. “Where to?”

“Hogsmeade. Well—outskirts, really. A nice, dank cave.”

“You’re taking me to a cave,” stated Lily, lighting her own wand and beginning to walk with him.

“I reckon your charm work will make it a bit cozier. We can stay in the castle if you prefer, but there’s zero chance of anyone walking in on us this way.”

“Walking in on us doing what?”

James ignored the question, trying not to think too hard about it. 

“Let’s be quiet, we wouldn’t want anyone to hear us.”

James _felt_ Lily roll her eyes. They walked down a narrow, long stairwell. At the bottom, when they were deep below the castle, he reached out and took her hand, gladly letting her lead him along the curving passageway. There were no forks and no splits—just one path to take. The passage was flat for several minutes, and then it climbed steeply uphill, far from and above where they had started and, it seemed to James, with no way of getting back to where they had begun. They walked for a good quarter of an hour before Lily smacked into a stone wall.

“ _Ouch._ ”

James stifled a laugh. “Okay, there?”

“Been better. How do you—”

James touched his wand to the wall and it melted away. Lily held up her lighted wand and they stepped onto level ground, and into their destination.

“Oh…” said Lily, already shivering. The cave was about as big as James’s dormitory, but one entire side was open to the elements and the blistering cold weather outside. The moon, almost full, was as bright as James had ever seen it—the stars beamed down upon the white expanse of mountains as far as the eye could see, all the way out to the horizon, where the mountains dropped down to sea level.

“I am _such_ a romantic,” realized James, with a great deal of pride. 

Lily spun on the spot. “Yes, you _are_. But it’s _freezing._ ”

“I had a dream we came here, that’s why I brought you,” James told her. He pulled her closer to him and the wall reappeared, blocking them in. He waved his wand over a massive boulder, transfiguring it into a bed that resembled the one he slept on nightly. Lily pointed her wand at the many rocks surrounding them, muttering charms to heat them; frost and ice began to melt. James dragged her onto the bed to avoid the icy rivulets of water that were lapping at their booted feet.

“A dream? You mentioned that this morning.” Lily paused as James, now affected by the heated rocks, shook off his robes and hung them from the bedpost. “What, exactly, were we doing?” 

He began to unbutton his shirt—not because needed to cool down anymore, but instead because he didn’t think he’d need it for what they were going to be doing. He kept watching her face from the corner of his eye. She seemed fine with his undressing to him. He did not take off his shirt, but he left it undone, leaning forward to whisper in her ear _exactly_ what they had done in his dream the night before. Lily pulled back a bit, finally surprised, and turned her head to the side. “I don’t know, James.”

“Come on, Lily, please…I brought you here—”

“I know, and it’s great, but I…I don’t know…if I can do that yet…”

James swallowed, trying to hide his disappointment. “Well. Okay, then.”

“I don’t mean never, you know.”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

She put her hand on his leg. “Come on, James. You can’t spring that on me and—”

“I didn’t spring it on you.”

Lily met his eyes, and then something changed in her face. He would never be able to say what, and he would never be able to duplicate the feeling of uneasiness and sorrow he felt from seeing her thoughts moving right over her face, hanging between them.

The feeling was gone, and Lily moved it closer. “We can do _something_.”

“I don’t feel like making out,” he replied quietly.

“That’s not what I mean.”

James breathed in deeply. “Don’t say that unless you mean it.”

Lily tucked her hair behind her ears, smiling at him, and he did _not_ imagine that she was being deliberately sensual. “So I need a bit more time for that, so what? There are other things I can do for you, right? If you tell me how.”

James threw himself back on the bed. “You’re fucking with me, Evans. You’re going to drive me mad.”

“You’ll have to show me what you want—I’m sure you know just how to use your hands after years of jerking off to pictures of pretty witches. And I’ve never even seen…well, I’ll do my best.”

James nodded, letting her comment about his wanking slide. She hung her robes next to his and leaned over him so he could see down her shirt. “Don’t be disappointed. Give me some time.”

 

James grunted, shut his eyes, and shifted his hips at her words. “Take all the sodding time you want.”

“Okay,” Lily said, not sounding at all nervous, even though James (oh, he might as well admit it) was. “I said I was yours, so…how do you want me?”

James shrugged, knowing, without being told, that she wanted to know what would turn him _really_ on. “Whatever you want.”

Lily shook her head in the orange light pulsing from the heated rocks. She bent forward, breasts pressed against his chest, and bit his ear lightly. “No, James. How do you _fucking_ want me dressed for what you’re about to get?”

James let out a long breath, then snaked his arms around her and pressed his mouth to hers, hard. “Take off your shirt.”

She sat up and cocked her head to the side, snagging James’s gaze with hers as she unbuttoned her shirt and carefully hung that up with their robes. James wrenched his arms from his own shirt and chucked it on the wet ground. Lily laughed.

“Eager, are we?”

“I think it’s obvious.”

She settled her hand on his thigh. “Okay, yeah, I’d say I agree.”

James rolled his pelvis toward her hand but she pulled it away, laying her fingers on his shoulder and stroking. “C’mere,” muttered James, wrapping his hand around the back of her neck and pulling her down so she was lying on top of him, her palm now stroking over his thigh. He rubbed his hand down her back, fiddling with her bra strap, not trying to take it off because he knew a clumsy fumble would ruin this moment and perhaps, just perhaps, scare her off, and he wasn’t going to risk that.

No way.

His hand traveled to the small of her back and over the fabric of her skirt. He debated shoving it down her hips as they kissed, but instead he jerked up the hem in a quick movement, exposing her to the air. Lily stopped kissing him, met his eyes, then closed them and squeezed his thigh, urging his mouth open under hers. He used one hand to start pulling her knickers down over the curve of her backside, digging his fingers into her skin. Lily broke their kiss again and rubbed her lips against his bare shoulder, groaning quietly against him.

James pushed her hand down with a gentle motion, helping her unbuckle his belt so she could relieve the awful pressure in his tight trousers. He turned his attention back to her knickers and inched them down little by little, first down one thigh, then the other, until Lily eased her legs out of them and they suddenly weren’t an issue.

“That’s hot,” he whispered in her ear, and it certainly wasn’t the most romantic thing to say by far, but she didn’t seem to mind, and it really was driving him mad, just the thought of her skirt hiding the fact that he’d taken off her knickers and he could think about it all he wanted during what was to follow.

“I know it’s not your dream, exactly,” said Lily, and she sounded as nervous as he had ever heard her.

“No worries…you’re a quick study, and I’m sure you’re not gonna be some sorta slouch with your hand.” James grabbed said hand and kissed it, closing his eyes, and Lily began by dropping a kiss on his pulse point.

**……**

“You’re making me _blush_.”

“I can make you blush all I want now.” 

Lily pushed him back, glancing around the common room. “We haven’t _told_ them yet. Can you get your hands off me for—I don’t know, two seconds?”

James pulled away. “Fine.” Then he flicked her robe aside and put his hand down on the bare skin of her knee. “Are you wearing your skirt shorter these days?”

“One extra roll. Hardly as bad as some other girls.”

“I never said I didn’t _like_ it.”

“Down, James,” Lily ordered, putting her hand on his shoulder and giving him a stern look. “No repeats of last night in here. Where are they, anyways? Did you tell them to come here?”

“No, but they’ll show up eventually. They had Herbology—I botched that O.W.L. Sprout refused to even talk about letting me into the class.”

Lily laughed, covering his hand with hers on his knee. “Good thing, or we’d never have free time together.”

“Good thing _you_ hate plants,” muttered James, “because I’m sure you did perfectly well and could have slept through N.E.W.T. level classes, taken the exam, and still have done an outstanding job.”

“ _You_ give me too much credit,” she said, poking him in the chest, “but it’s good to know you think so highly of me.”

He squeezed her knee again. “They _are_ taking a really long time.”

“Maybe you can use your map.”

James looked around. Classes for the day had ended twenty minutes ago, aside from the people who had doubles. There were clusters of students all around the room. “There’s too many people in here.”

“No one’s looking. Live a little.”

James shook his head. “Oh, no, Evans. I breached protocol even _showing_ it to you without permission. I’m not exposing it to the prying eyes of ickle firsties who still suck their thumbs at night.”

Lily’s eyes widened and she grinned. “Are you…taking the mickey? Protocol? _Protocol?_ ”

James laughed. “A joke, Miss Evans. Relax. And Padfoot—Sirius, I mean, has the map, he took it this morning.”

“Mmm. Black. What’s with the names, anyway?”

“Pardon?”

“Prongs. Padfoot. Moony. Wormtail. What’s the story?”

James shrugged, meeting her eyes. He was a good liar. “Boys will be boys. We even have nicknames for our pricks, you know.”

“Ugh,” Lily said emphatically, lowering her voice. “I don’t want to hear _anything_ about Peter Pettigrew’s cock.”

James’s hand tightened. He was sure she would have bruises on her thigh not too far in the future.

“Are you looking to get shagged? That’s what’s going to happen if you say something like that again.”

Lily frowned. “You get _turned on_ hearing me talk about _Peter Pettigrew’s—?_ ”

“Isn’t this _cozy!_ ”

James jumped at the sound of Sirius’s voice. “Padfoot,” he said, relieved. “I’ve been waiting for you. Where are—”

Sirius didn’t let him finish. He glared and said: “Where they always are on this kind of day at this time during the month of January.”

Their conversation from yesterday morning jumped into James’s head. “Oh—oh, shit. Fuck, Sirius. I completely forgot. Come on, let’s go. I’ll see you, Lily—”

“James, aren’t we going to—”

James shook his head fiercely. “Not right now. We’ll talk about it—”

“Later? I guessed as much.” She pursed her lips. “Let me know when you—”

“Buggering. Bloody. _Fuck._ ” Sirius put his hands down flat on the table and leaned over toward Lily until his eyes were mere centimeters from hers, taking her attention from James.

“ _Sirius_ ,” said James, trying to stop his friend from doing what he was about to do, which couldn’t be anything good, considering the look on his face.

“Why don’t you stop nagging my friend about your stupid rounds and rules and responsibilities and go off and have a good cry about your poor, pitiful, pathetic mum, so we two can get on with our lives, which have been _perfectly_ fucking _fine_ without you in the picture for the last. seven. years.”

James had never seen an expression quite like Lily’s. She swallowed; her face flushed and her eyes glittered. Lightning fast, she pushed Sirius’s face away from hers, catching his cheek with her nails and ignoring his cry of outrage. “Don’t you _ever_ speak to me AGAIN!” she yelled in a hoarse voice, jumping up and flinging James’s hand from her leg. Everyone in the common room turned to stare at her as she walked around the table, shoving Sirius into it. He winced and took a step after her, as if he was going to hit her, but she spun on the spot and drew her wand.

“Get out of my face, Black. I mean it. I curse better than you and you know it, so don’t you take one _step_ closer. And you,” she said, her voice very quiet now, and her eyes on James, “you stay away from me. I didn’t tell you anything so that it would get back to _him.”_

James, for some reason, was still expecting her to cry. That wasn’t her reaction—instead, she was furious with him. “Ah, Lily—”

She didn’t stay to listen. She left her bag and her books on the table and disappeared up the stairs before James could blink, it seemed. “What are you looking at?” he shouted at the onlookers, before getting to his feet and storming past Sirius.

“Where are you going?”

“To spend some time with my bloody friend,” spat James over his shoulder, bursting out of the portrait hole and lengthening his strides to get away from Sirius.

“And it’s about time!” called Sirius, hurrying to catch James up. “When have you _ever_ forgotten the January full moon? When? You’re the one who decided we should do this—”

“I didn’t know you cared so much about our days in the Shrieking Shack that you would ruin what I have—whatever chance I had,” corrected James, “with Lily Evans! She might not ever speak to me again—”

“Good thing!”

“NO!” roared James, turning on his heel and shoving Sirius back several steps. “NOT a good thing, you miserable piece of shit! You didn’t just one up her, Sirius, you really hurt her! Didn’t you see her face?”

“She’ll get over it,” hissed Sirius, pushing James to the side so he could continue out to the grounds. 

“Get over it? You always do this, you never think, you’re absolutely ridiculous. What if she came up to you and said vicious, shitty things about your family? Wouldn’t you want to kill her? Wouldn’t you want to kill _me_ for even talking about it with—”

“You’ve told her _my_ private business?” asked Sirius, outraged. He slammed open the doors and they walked into the cold night air. 

“No! But maybe I should have, since telling you _her_ private business was a huge mistake! I knew, I knew I shouldn’t, I knew it would be a disaster, but if I hadn’t you would have thought…just shut it. Go away.”

“Thought what? That you’re into her? Trust me, that I know. But you don’t get it, if you date her…”

James sped up, his mind working. Did Sirius know? 

“Well,” he continued, “I know you’re not a complete idiot.”

“Shut up, Sirius,” James said through gritted teeth.

“It’s not a big deal, she’ll get over it.”

“No! You have to learn!” James pulled his robes closer around him, slogging through the snow on the ground. “You treated Miriam like shit and look what happened! She fucked another girl, you treated her so badly—and then you and Remus and Sarah had your thing, and you only did that to get back at Miriam. What _is it_ with you and girls?” James pushed him on the chest. “Why can you never—why are you always such a mess about girls?”

Sirius laughed derisively, knocking James’s hands away. “ _You’re_ the one who hasn’t even gotten laid yet, so I don’t think asking me why I’m a mess is what you want to do—”

“At least I don’t treat girls like they’re _scum of the earth._ Do you like blokes? Is that it? Should I not have undressed in front of you all these years? Have you been scoping out Moony’s prick in the—?”

Sirius punched James.

“What the _fuck_?” James bellowed, pressing his fingers to his bleeding lip. “You _bitch,_ Sirius. I know you don’t like blokes!”

“I don’t want to talk about this!”

“Socking me isn’t going to help, you’re still a prick and I still want to fucking wring your neck.”

“What are you doing?”

Sirius and James looked toward the Whomping Willow. There was no one there. 

“It’s me,” said Peter’s voice. “What are you two doing? Are you bleeding, James?”

“Sirius is being a bitch,” said James.

“You two,” said Peter’s voice, “need to work your shit out. I’ll keep Remus company, you two stay out until you’re not acting like little girls.”

They couldn’t see him under the invisibility cloak, but they could see his footsteps heading back toward the Whomping Willow.

“Nice,” Sirius said, holding out a hand to help James up. “ _Wormtail’s_ telling us what to do.”

James stared up at Sirius incredulously. “You—you really think we’re okay, don’t you? You think you can stick out your bloody hand and make it all better. You’ve been sabotaging me since the _moment_ Evans showed an interest in me, and if one us needs to work out our issues, it’s YOU, not ME!”

Sirius set his jaw and stretched his hand out farther.

After a moment, James took it and Sirius hauled him up from the ground. James brushed snow from his robes, trying not to look enviously at Sirius’s cozy-looking cloak.

“I’m sorry I was a prick to Evans.”

James rubbed his chin, wincing in pain. “Why can’t you…I don’t understand, Padfoot. She never did anything to you.”

“She treated you like shit.”

“I was no picnic a couple years ago.”

“Even so. She’s…”

“She’s _great_.”

“I don’t agree.”

James met Sirius’s eyes. _Are you jealous?_ he wanted to ask. “Do you think she’ll get in between us four?”

Sirius blinked. “Something…like that.”

“What if I promise she won’t?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right. Look what happened today! You completely forgot because you were talking about stupid Head Boy stuff with her.”

_Not exactly Head Boy stuff,_ James thought. “Well, yeah, but I can…work on it.”

Sirius shrugged. “Whatever. I don’t care.”

“Yes, you do.”

“ _I don’t care_ ,” hissed Sirius. “Date her. Fuck her. She’d jump at the chance. She doesn’t _like_ me, Prongs, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to satisfy me and her—that’s what your dad’s raised you as, a diplomat, a bleeding—”

“I’m not listening to this,” James said, finally fed up. He began to walk up to the castle, ignoring Sirius’s calls after him. Miriam accosted him the moment he entered the common room and told him that Lily had left to take a walk. James immediately turned and clambered back out into the castle, wondering where she might be. 

“Looking for me?” he heard her voice say in an acid tone when he was searching the fifth floor. He turned to face her, chewing on his bottom lip. She was only a few feet away, standing in front of Boris the Bewildered stone statue.

“Hey.”

“Shut up,” she spat, crossing her arms.

“Lily…”

“Don’t _do_ that! It’s not going to work with me, not tonight. I can’t believe you, James. You—you’ll tell them all about my most personal problems, but you can’t even give me a truthful answer about some stupid nicknames!” Lily pushed her hair out of her eyes and shook her head. “I don’t _get_ you,” she continued. “You tell me how much you fancy me all the time, you tell me you’re screwing over your friends to date me, you’re _just_ fine begging for a bloody blowjob as if you’re entitled to it, and you can’t keep my confidence? Is that what a good boyfriend does? Let me know—I’ve never had one before, you see, and I’m not really liking the experience right now!”

James let her talk, casting about for something to say that wouldn’t set her off even more. “Shh,” was all he came up with, and he moved closer to her.

“ _Don’t_ tell me to be quiet!” she cried. “I really trusted you.”

“I’m sorry,” he tried.

“Not good enough.” Lily tapped her foot on the floor and jiggled her leg. “ _Not_ good enough.”

“I’m not…used to this…being on the outs with him,” he said, trailing off.

Lily’s face crumpled and she put her hand over her eyes, but then flung it away. “God damnit, you’re infuriating!”

“I’m scum, I know—”

“That’s not what I mean! Every time I start to think it’s time we tell your friends, you give me one more reason not to do it!”

“I wasn’t trying—”

“And that’s just it! You don’t think about it, you do it unconsciously. If you don’t want to tell them, then that’s it, I told you—”

“I do!” cried James, trying to keep her from saying it was over. “But I…I know it’s not going to be okay if we do. I just…Sirius is a disaster right now. I’ve even…well, I’ve got to go soon, I won’t be at dinner—”

“There you go again,” Lily began tiredly, rubbing her hand over her forehead. “I suppose you can’t tell me why, can you?”

“No, not really.”

“I want Sirius to apologize.”

James raked his hand through his hair. “I…well. I’ll try to get him to.”

“I don’t want you telling him things about me.”

James’s head shot up. “What?”

“What, you thought I wouldn’t say that? You think I want him to know what I’ve got to cry about?”

“No, I meant—I thought you were going to dump me.”

She paused. “I considered it, but I’ve rather grown to like you.”

James grinned. “Have you, now?”

“ _Don’t_ get cocky.” Lily wasn’t smiling—not even close.

“Can I make this up to you?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “You’re disgusting, sometimes. You think making me come is going to make me forget this? Why don’t you try something other than sex for once?”

“You’re being really loud,” said James, trying to make his tone soothing.

“I don’t _care!_ Everyone’s at dinner, no one’s going to hear us!”

James stilled just next to her and leaned against the wall. He put his back flat against it and slid down, patting the floor next to him. Lily sighed, then relented, taking a seat next to him. James surreptitiously began to put his arm around her shoulders.

“I know what you’re doing James, spare me the embarrassment.”

James gave her a sheepish shrug and pulled her close, breathing into her hair. “I really am sorry, you know.”

“It doesn’t make it okay.”

“I know. But it counts for something, yeah?”

Lily looked at him, her face half shadowed in the corridor’s torchlight. She straightened his tie and touched his split lip. James flinched.

“How’d that happen?”

“Sirius.”

Lily pursed her lips and he detected a hint of sympathy in her eyes. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“You don’t think I deserved it?”

“Not from him, no. From me? Yes. But I’d hardly be able to hit you as hard, and my aim is terrible.”

“Glad to hear you can still muster up some pity for your poor old friend James Potter.” 

“Not pity,” she murmured, leaning up and licking away a little dried blood at the corner of his mouth. She grimaced and James laughed.

“That’s gross, Evans.”

“You’re not a friend, either. Come on,” she urged, taking his hand and standing, dragging him up. “The Prefect’s bathroom is right here.” She stood before the door and said “Foxglove,” the password. She led James over to the sinks and sat him down on a marble ledge, stroking his cheek.

“You could use a healing charm,” he called as she crossed the room to get a towel.

“I’m as good at healing as you are with plants. You could do it yourself.”

James rather liked the idea of her taking care of him. “I’m really not up to it right now,” he lied.

Lily finally smiled. “Yeah, right. I saw you heal Sirius’s nose on Christmas Eve.”

James shrugged. “I do broken bones. Sirius does cuts and scratches. Remus does infections. Peter…well, Peter’s good at conjuring bandages and the like.”

“Strange boys,” Lily sighed, taking on towel and running it under hot water. She dabbed at James lip, poking him in the side when he pulled back. “Boiling water. It’ll take care of the germs. You never know what Sirius has on his hands.”

“Oh, how kind of—ow.”

“Baby.” Lily put down her towel and picked up another. She ran it under the tap again and held it to his lip. It was freezing cold. “For the swelling,” she explained, running her fingers over his temple again. She removed the towel. James took out his wand and healed his cut.

Lily pouted. “Aren’t you handy with a wand!”

“I just wanted you to touch me. I didn’t think you ever would again.”

“Nonsense. Are you hungry?”

James put his arm around her waist, pulled her in, and rested his head against her breasts. She threaded her hands through his hair and kissed the top of his head. James held her tighter. “I’m not going to dinner. I really should go…you know, find the boys.” He had to leave soon if he was to catch up with his friends. Remus had probably already transformed, as the moon rose early on winter nights.

“All right, then. I’m starving. Come on, let’s go.”

“Are you going to sit with Miriam and Sarah?”

Lily sighed. “James, I’m a big girl, and I can handle eating dinner alone. I feel awkward around Sarah.”

“I’m _sure_ she doesn’t feel awkward around you. She probably wants to rip your clothes right off.”

Lily gripped his hand harder. “Yeah, well, I doubt it. I just don’t get along with them that well…”

James watched her eyes turn thoughtful. “Missing Marlene a lot, are you?”

“Not as much as I thought I would,” she said, sounding surprised. “We write a lot. Last night I sent her a letter and I asked her to meet me—the end of the month, the Hogsmeade weekend. You’ll have to do rounds alone for a while, but we only need to patrol for a little while so I’m sure that we can work it out so—” “You were going to tell her about us, weren’t you?”

“Is it that obvious? I babble when I’m trying not to talk about things.” She shrugged. “I…yeah, I was.”

“You still should. Maybe, when she has the wedding, she can make me a groomsman and then we can spend lots of time together and say we’re just doing our jobs!”

Lily laughed. “Yeah, right. I’ll tell her, then? She can keep a secret.”

“Yeah, tell her everything, including how gorgeous and hot I am—”

“Shut it. You still owe me for last night, you know—I never got anything out of you after _you_ collapsed, all exhausted. And for tonight, as well. You did say you’d make it up to me.”

“You told me not to use sex!”

“But it’s not sex, is it? Not exactly.”

“There’s a girl,” said James quietly, “finding the best loopholes.”

Lily stopped in front of the Great Hall. “I’ll see you later, all right?”

James gathered her in for a hug, resisting the urge to kiss her, because he knew he would not be able to stop. “Yeah.” He waited until she disappeared behind the doors for dinner and then crept out onto the grounds. He couldn’t wait to transform into Prongs—he always thought more about the adventure ahead as the stag, and less about what being without Lily felt like.

**……**

Sirius Black remained, to Lily, the most confusing individual on earth. With James, things were almost easy by now. She could tell when he was angry with her, and when he was feeling particularly affectionate, and when he wanted to be left alone. Even with Peter and Remus, whom she spoke to every once in a while, she could almost guess what they were thinking.

Sirius, on the other hand, was a veritable impossibility. 

He had, before that evening in the common room where he said unforgivable things about her mother, been nice to her on occasion—someone she could see becoming a friend in the future. There was that night she went to James’s house for his birthday and Sirius had given her a drink and talked about how good she looked in a bikini—the night she had run into him when he was anxious to get outside, and he had told her she and James were daft for ignoring each other—the time he had admitted behaving like a beast when they were working on their Ancients Runes project, and he had actually give her a say on the topic they chose—and the one night where he had been nicest of all, when he had healed her face after her own mother hit her.

But for every time he acted like a human being around her, there was a time had treated her like a worthless bit of rubbish. Remus’s birthday, her _own_ birthday, the morning she had discovered what was going on with Marlene…

That night in the common room.

_So it’s understandable,_ Lily thought, sitting at a corner table in the Three Broomsticks, waiting for Marlene, and leveling a wary stare at Sirius Black, _for me to think he’s gone mad._

Sirius stared down into his tankard, absolutely still. He had not said a word since asking to join her and taking the seat reserved for Marlene without receiving a response.

“Sirius,” she said quietly.

“Why d’you call me that?” he said abruptly, lifting his head and meeting her eyes. Lily caught her breath.

“Your…name?”

“I call you Evans. And you used to call me Black. Why do you call me Sirius now?”

“It’s…whenever I speak to James, he calls you Sirius. Sometimes Padfoot, whatever that means, but mostly Sirius. It’s rubbed off.” Lily bit her lip, trying to keep her thoughts away from the state of her and James’s relationship at the moment.

“You two talk about me?”

“When we’re trying to work and get things done and he has to apologize for whatever it is you’ve done to me so that _I’ll_ speak to _him_ , yes, we do.”

Sirius laughed. He really was fantastically good looking—more handsome than James, if Lily wanted to be honest…but without James’s openness, without his affection and warmth. Cold. A little unhinged.

Sirius Black was a scary kind of handsome.

“I shouldn’t be telling you this,” Sirius was saying, “but he really fancied you.”

“Did he? He doesn’t anymore?”

“I wouldn’t know, he stopped talking about you with me. And I didn’t make it any better.”

Lily raised her eyebrows.

“You remember that day you two got detention in Transfiguration?”

Lily tried not to blush. She rarely thought about the day, just the night. “Yeah, I remember.”

“In the corridor, I told you that you were smart or something, remember?”

“Yeah, I do. You teased me—you were being nice, actually.”

Sirius gave her a wry smile. “I know. I must have confused you. It’s just…you’d been so cool up until that point. On Christmas Eve, you remember? You came to pick up your mother’s dog, and you let me know that you forced James into it—”

That had been a lie. Lily had not wanted Sirius to cause problems.

“—and ever since then, you kept your distance. James wasn’t mooning over you, for once. He didn’t spend time with you, instead of us, and I…I thought things were getting better.”

“Obviously you didn’t think that for long.”

“No, I didn’t. It’s just…one day in January, ever since third year, we spend some time together. And he’s never forgotten, he’s the one who thought it up. But that day, he was late, and I came to get him and I found him with _you,_ and I wanted to wring your fucking neck.” Sirius paused, letting that marinade. “I had to hurt you. I had to.”

“You didn’t _have_ to. You could have been…” Lily shrugged, resisting the urge to pull her jumper away from her throat. “Less vicious.”

Sirius’s knuckles went white around the handle of his mug. “Yeah, well. I was pretty shitty to you. You looked…well, I don’t normally treat people like that.”

“I was surprised at first.” Lily smiled wryly. “See, you had _excellent_ alliteration. Rounds and rules and responsibilities. Poor, pitiful, pathetic. It was impressive.”

Sirius looked at her as though he had never seen anything of the like and burst into laughter. “I’m apologizing right now, in case you haven’t noticed,” he said, calming down.

“I assumed. James got through to you, did he?”

Sirius’s face was confused. “What?”

Lily crossed her legs. “Nothing. I just supposed James would have told you to.”

“He hasn’t mentioned it. I’m here on my own. I do function separately from him, you know.”

Lily frowned, irritated that James had said nothing to Sirius. “I thought he was persuading you all these three weeks.”

Sirius winced. “Don’t remind me how long it’s been. He’s been pretty short with me.”

“I would be, too. You got him in a lot of trouble with me.”

He shrugged again.

“When I told him about my mum…” Lily began, forcing herself to look Sirius in the eye, “when I told him all that, it was this summer. Before he found out why I started talking to him. And then…well, you know how things got messed up. And we’ve gotten past it, and we’ve become friends, but he’s—”

“I’m glad you’re friends,” said Sirius, but he looked pained to say it.

“No, you’re not,” snapped Lily. She was making an effort to be honest and kind and diplomatic, but now he was lying to her. “You’d be happy if we went back to pretending the other doesn’t exist.”

Sirius did not respond. “He’s less whenever he’s talking to me,” Lily continued angrily, but still being careful not to betray she and James were still dating. “He knows he can’t go farther, like he wants to, because you’ll be standing around the corridor like a possessive—a boyfriend, that’s what you’re like—”

“Everyone thinks I’m a poofter these days!” cried Sirius exasperatedly, and Lily giggled, her bad mood dissipating just like that; several people looked over with interest. Sirius hunched over his drink. “Shit.”

“Can you blame people? I talked to Miriam about you the other day, and I never knew you were so…indifferent toward her.”

“I just didn’t want her to fuck me over.”

Lily sat back slowly. “How…” she started. “I…what _is_ it with you and girls?”

Sirius knocked over his drink, but the tankard was empty. “Been talking about me with James, have you?” he asked again, his voice dangerously low, and Lily realized her mistake. She had used the exact words James had used when talking about Sirius. The two boys must have had this discussion.

“No,” she said, trying to look bewildered. “But I’ve noticed that you…even though you’ve a reputation with girls, you haven’t actually had a lot of real girlfriends. Just Miriam, last year. In seven years, that’s it. And you’re a prick to most people, except your friends.”

Sirius righted his tankard.

“What is it, a bad experience? Is that it?” Lily did not know what possessed her to do it—perhaps she had gone mad, because she reached over and covered his hand with hers. 

Sirius looked down at their hands, back up at her, and then pulled his back. Very slowly, he nodded, and in the silence that followed this admission, he pushed his chair back and rose. “I’m really sorry about what I said before, Evans. We shouldn’t—have this animosity between us. We’re both Gryffindors, yeah?”

“Sirius,” she said again, more curious now that he had clued her in a little.

“I’ve got to go meet James, and it’s just past three, so I’m sure Marlene’s coming in soon. Tell her hello for me, will you?” Sirius gave Lily a quick wave and left the pub. Lily stared after him, then picked up their two drinks and took them to the bar. She got a refill on hers and went back to her seat.

The foam on top of her butterbeer was thick, and she fixed her eyes on the opaque top of her drink. How could Sirius Black, charmer and stud, have had any sort _bad_ experience with a girl? Girls fell over themselves for him. Perhaps and it was Miriam and Sarah, together, but no—he had treated Miriam badly before he had found out about that…

“Well, that’s a lovely welcome! I thought you’d actually be waiting for me, not thinking about becoming an alcoholic!”

“Marlene!” Lily shrieked, jumping up and throwing her arms around the other girl. Marlene hugged her back, and neither girl let go for a good thirty seconds. They sat down, pulling their chairs close together. Marlene grabbed Lily’s hands and held them.

“So? How is everything? How’s Hogwarts?”

“The same—well, sad without you, but never mind Hogwarts—how are _you?_ ”

“Lovely,” sighed Marlene. “Your letter sounded exciting, and I know you’ve got loads to tell me, so we’re starting with you, okay? What is it—James? Is that it?”

Lily sighed and nodded.

Marlene clapped her hands together. “Yes!”

“Keep your voice down—no one knows.”

“No one knows? Why the hell’s that? You’re dating, right?”

“Well, yeah. Since that day we were going to lunch and I ended up talking to him for about five days.”

“I remember quite well, we only had fifteen minutes to eat that day. And you told me you two weren’t sure.”

“It was worth it. And I lied. And about keeping it secret…I’m the one who suggested it, that day. And then I took it back. And then we decided to keep it quiet anyways, because Sirius hates me so much—”

“Sirius?”

“Yeah, Sirius Black—”

“No, I mean, you called him Sirius.”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” Lily cried, “does everyone pick up on that? He was just in here apologizing—”

“Apologizing?”

“James told him what I told him about my mum, and Sirius threw it back in my face several weeks ago. He’s only just gotten around to apologizing.”

Marlene’s eyes widened. “He _told_ Sirius about that?”

“Trust me, James is being properly punished. And making up for it. Trying, at least. I’m not helping with that…” Lily trailed off.

Marlene leaned in. “That sounds interesting. Lils—you’re _blushing!_ Tell _all_. Now.”

Lily held up her hands. “Fine—just no interruptions, or I’ll never be able to finish.”

“I swear!” Marlene said solemnly.

Lily took a very deep breath. “About a week into this month, James wanted…I can barely say it…he wanted me to give him head.” Lily waited, but Marlene kept her words to herself. “But I couldn’t—I was nervous, I suppose, and on top of that, I’ve never done anything like that for him, I’d never even seen…”

“A prick,” Marlene put in, her eyes twinkling.

“You said you wouldn’t interrupt!”

“Sorry—go on.”

“Right, so now I’m having some serious problems. I found out he told his friends all that stuff, and he promised to make it up to me…in _every_ way.” Lily paused here so Marlene could catch her meaning.

“I get it. Sex. Or…well, everything but sex. Go on, I’m not an idiot.” Lily cleared her throat. “Marlene…I…well, I _can’t._ ”

Marlene shook her head. “Pardon? Did you just say you can’t…”

“Yeah! Well—that’s not exactly true. I can…just…it’s never really intense. It’s always really quick, and not the great. Nothing like that time in his room, and he tries everything, he touches me, he _licks_ me…” Lily shifted in her seat. She wasn’t used to talking about things like this. “He’s getting sick of it, and I haven’t touched him since I gave him that handjob—”

“You _what?”_

“Instead of the blowjob, don’t you listen?”

“You didn’t mention you jerked him off, Lily,” Marlene pointed out reasonably. 

“I didn’t?”

“No.”

“Anyway, I did. Okay, so, I told him I wrote to you so I could tell you about us, but that’s not why.”

“Well, why?”

“I need advice.”

“About getting off?” asked Marlene. “Lily—I’m not sure I’m the best—”

“No, I’ll have to figure that out myself, but what I mentioned earlier, I need to know how to…”

Marlene covered her mouth with her hand. “Merlin,” she breathed. “You want advice on how to _suck him off_?!”

“Quiet!” Lily hissed, yanking her hand down. “I’ve never done it before! And I don’t want him directing me, like he did before.”

“You don’t understand, I’ve been waiting _years_ to have this kind of conversation with you,” Marlene said, unable to stop grinning. “Maybe we should go somewhere more private.”

“What?” asked Lily sarcastically, “Are you looking to give me a demonstration?”

“Good idea, but no. I just don’t want anyone overhearing.”

“We could go back to the castle, but I’m supposed to meet James at around five, so…”

“You asked for it.” Marlene cleared her throat. “It’s an art, a good blowjob. So, you have to get him hard, first—”

“ _Really?_ I never would have guessed.”

“Do you _want_ me to talk louder?”

“No, continue as you were.” Lily leaned closer, partly mortified, and partly riveted.

“Well…what do you want to know? I mean, it’s not like you’re going to be able to take him all the way down your throat the first time you do it.”

“Down my throat?” asked Lily faintly.

Marlene paused. “Maybe we _should_ go somewhere more private.”

Lily bit her lip. “Well, it’s four now, so let’s talk about the wedding, and then we can meet up with James, and _then_ we can talk. James will know a place we can go privately.”

“I’m sure James knows a lot of private places where people don’t disturb you.”

“Hardy _har_ _har_ ,” Lily said. “We’re moving on to _you_ , remember? Have you finally set a date?”

Marlene snapped her fingers. “The sixteenth of April.”

“That’s Easter Holidays.”

“I was thinking of you when I set the date, and I wanted you to be able to come for the week, all the wedding party is staying at Jason’s.” Marlene clasped one of Lily’s hands in her own. “Lily…you’ll be my maid of honor, won’t you?”

“Oh—of course, Marlene! Why didn’t you ask sooner?” Lily drew Marlene into a hug and relaxed against her body. It was odd—she and Marlene used to hug all the time, and now, even after several weeks, it felt as though they hadn’t spent any time apart. “And your parents?” she asked, pulling back. “What about them?”

“They’re in,” said Marlene in a rush. “They’re splitting the cost with the McKinnons, thank Merlin, because Jason’s dad is only just back on his feet and they’re not rolling in excess gold, at the moment.”

“Tell me more,” prompted Lily, knowing it would completely distract from the subject of James, and she and Marlene were able to spend the next hour or so talking about decorations, dresses, food, and how fabulous Jason was in bed. As five o’clock approached, Marlene asked whether James was coming to the pub or whether Lily was going to meet him somewhere.

“He’s coming here.” Lily picked at her split ends. She and James had begun fighting more and more as she grew frustrated with herself for not being able to relieve her stress and he found fault in his actions for not telling his friends about them. They hadn’t had a real conversation in at least five days, just two nights that ended in disappointment after Lily could not, once again—

“I need to step outside for a moment.”

“Oh…okay. I’ll get drinks.” Lily went back to the bar while Marlene went to the front of the pub and out to the door. The Three Broomsticks was a popular spot, and as it got later it got busier. It was ten minutes before Lily managed to get two butterbeers and a water from a harried Madame Rosmerta. When she turned, Marlene and James were already back at the table. She set the drinks down, almost spilling her water on James’s lap.

“Whoa,” he said smiling up at her and taking the water from the crook of her elbow. “I could’ve helped you.”

“How’d you shake Sirius?”

“Told him I had to patrol. I didn’t mention you.”

“He was in here earlier, apologizing.”

“He mentioned. Briefly. What’d you say to him? He was really quiet when he found me.”

Lily didn’t think it wise to mention their conversation about girls. “I…don’t know. Let’s not talk about him right now.”

James laughed and looked into his mug. “Hmm.”

“What, you didn’t want butterbeer?”

James shrugged. “It’s okay.”

“James probably likes something stronger,” Marlene said knowingly. 

“Well, yeah, but this is fine.”

Lily absently sipped her water and watching Marlene bore James with the details she and Lily had shared about the wedding. 

“So Lily gets to stay at the McKinnon Manor for an entire week?” James whistled. He nudged her. “Don’t get drunk and fall over in the basement this time.”

Marlene laughed, and Lily was inexplicably rankled by this.

“I won’t. Who’s the best man? I suppose I’ll be dancing with him all night?”

James scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lily asked sharply. Marlene glanced at her in surprise.

“You okay, Lily?”

Lily didn’t answer her. “Well?” she asked James.

“I didn’t know you disliked the possessive bit,” he said quietly, not taking his eyes from hers. “I’ll make sure not to do that again.”

Lily pushed her hair behind her ears. “Good.” It had not been the jealousy she disliked—she had completely misread him. She had thought he intended to say she…wouldn’t be able to find someone else to dance with her.

James opened his mouth to say something, looked at Marlene, reddened, and then shook his head. Taking the hint, Marlene excused herself to go to the loo.

“What’s _with_ you?” James asked, scooting his chair closer to hers.

“Sometimes you talk about me as if the only bloke who could ever want me is you,” Lily burst out, the words spilling from her before she even thought them through.

James recoiled. “Lily, come on, I just meant that I don’t want anyone else—”

“But you still—”

“No, I don’t.” He paused. Is this about Sirius, again?”

Lily threw up her hands. “I hope you aren’t ser—you really need to stop bringing Sirius into every one of our conversations. I just…I don’t like the way you act around me with Marlene sometimes. You two gang up on me.”

“You’re fucking paranoid.”

“Am I? Together the pair of you treat me like a child.”

“I thought you worked through these issues, I thought you and Marlene were fine now that she and McKinnon are shacked up!”

“Issues?” Lily demanded in a low voice. “You think I have issues?”

“You’re picking a fight with me!” James hissed, reaching for one of her hands. “You don’t do that—are you stressed?”

“Am I stressed?” asked Lily in a shrill voice, lowering it when she attracted the attention of others in the pub. “What do you think?”

James leaned in to her. “You need to _stop_ being angry with me because _you_ can’t fucking get off the way you want to. I do everything I’m supposed to, and you just can’t let yourself go and really enjoy it, and then you blame me when you can’t—”

“I _don’t_ ,” Lily muttered, shoving him away.

“Yeah, you do,” he went on, shooting a glare at Marlene as she appeared from the corridor leading to the bathroom. She hung back, obviously not wanting to get involved. “You blame me, and _that’s_ why you don’t fucking touch me, and why I spend more time with my erections than _you_ do!”

“I’m not here to take care of your hard-ons, James, that’s not my function in life!”

“You’re unbelievable,” he said, sitting back in his chair. “What d’you want?”

“What do _you_ want?” Lily asked in return. “Do you want to break up, is that it?”

“Oh--grow up! A fight doesn’t mean we’re over.”

“All we _do_ is fight,” Lily rejoined, clenching her hands into fists, tears pricking at her eyes. To think she had just been asking Marlene for advice on how to…and now he was acting like…Lily trembled with anger.

James laughed. “You’re such a coward sometimes.”

“ _Don’t_ be a prick to me.”

“ _Don’t_. That’s all you say anymore. Fine—you go do whatever you want with Marlene. I’m going to find Sirius.”

“James!” she said vehemently, but he ignored her and left the pub, slamming the door behind him, so the little bell on top tinkled madly. 

“Argh,” was all Lily managed to get out, her glare falling on Marlene, who had just returned to the table.

“Had a row?”

“A bad one. Worse than the others.”

Marlene hesitated. “From what you were asking me, one would never think you two were having problems.”

Lily tugged on her hair, feeling hopeless. “I was trying to stave off disaster, I suppose. He’s completely forgive me if I’d just…I need him to forgive me. Anything for that.”

“That’s…Lily, that’s kind of—unhealthy.”

Lily shrugged. “So?”

Marlene looked disturbed. “Lily, don’t you think…?”

“Let’s finish the conversation, okay?”

Marlene looked around the pub. “Yeah…okay…”

Lily resolved to listen.

**……**

Armed with her short tutorial from Marlene, Lily approached James on the last day of January with the intent to make up with him, once and for all.

“Ah, Lily,” he said, pushing aside an essay as she approached. “I was wondering when you’d turn up.”

“You could’ve come to me.”

His face was impassive. This corner of the library was dark and secluded, so hopefully there was no danger of anyone hearing them. “Maybe I should’ve. Look—I’m sorry.”

“Me, too.”

“We keep saying that to each other, but it’s not getting any better.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her closer, urging her into his lap. She put her arms round her neck and pillowed her head on his shoulder, her lips a breath from his throat.

“I know,” she replied.

He craned his neck at the feel on her breath on his skin. “I miss you.”

This time, she kissed his neck, flicking her tongue out against his pulse point and moving a bit lower, biting him gently just below his Adam’s Apple. James’s hips jerked in his seat and Lily felt him, hard and thick, against the back of her thigh, clear through their robes. 

“Are we going to try you again?” he asked, and he sounded a little weary. Lily shook her head immediately, scared by his tone. 

“I’m not a coward, you know.”

“Oh, Lily—come on, I know. I just hate fighting, and I say stupid shit when I don’t like what’s happening around me. I know you haven’t been a coward.”

“I didn’t say I haven’t been, I said I’m not.”

James was shaking. “Same difference. I need you to get off my lap, all right?”

“No way.” Lily reached a hand awkwardly behind her and pressed against the bulge beneath her leg. It twitched, and Lily had to steel herself not to take her hand away.

“Lily, you really need to get up, because I am not going to deal with one of these things where you stop and I need to go wank like some git who can’t get a girl—”

Lily eased herself off his lap. “You—” she began, and her voice cracked. “You act like I owe you something.”

James bit his lip. “Lily—”

Lily forgot, sometimes, that James was still a virgin, as she was. More often than not, it did not seem so, because he was, where it counted, more experienced than her. 

“You’re so charming,” she said to him calmly, “that I forget you’re still just a seventeen year old bloke who wants to get off. And that you’ll do and say anything for that to happen.”

“Not _anything_ ,” he muttered.

“Let me talk!”

He shut his mouth.

“You’re pressuring me.” Lily shook her head in wonder. “God help me, I never thought I’d care because I never thought you would do that. I thought I could deal with this. I came here to tell you I would…I came here to make up, and all you can do is act like I’m the one treating you like crap.”

James shifted his eyes to the floor, his mouth drawn into a thin line.

“James, I—”

But Lily stopped herself from saying it, because the words about to spill from her lips were _I love you._

“I care about you, a lot. I don’t like thinking of you as that bloke who won’t leave me alone about sex—even though it’s not sex.” 

“I care about you, too,” he whispered, so quietly that Lily moved closer to hear the rest of him. She rested her hip against the table and he caught her hand in his and kissed it gently. “A lot. More than a lot.”

“I get nervous!” Lily blurted out.

James’s mouth twitched. “I _promise_ I won’t laugh at you.”

Lily groaned. “I wasn’t worried about that, but thanks for adding that to the list.”

“Remember that time in my bedroom?” he breathed, pulling her head down and pressing his forehead against hers.

“How could I forget?” 

“Well don’t you want to feel like that again? You’ve got to ignore your nerves if that’s what you want.”

“We were talking about me being nervous to get _you_ off, not the other way around.”

James shook his head, locking his eyes on hers. “ _I_ think it’s all the same to you.” He moved one hand from the small of her back to her front and un-tucked her shirt, pressing his fingers into her skin. He moved the fabric of her bra aside and pinched her. Lily inhaled sharply at the sensation. “I don’t mean to pressure you. I get frustrated because I can’t satisfy you, and until I can, you won’t feel comfortable—”

“So…your solution is feeling me up in the library?”

“Any better ideas?”

“There’s always the reason I came here.”

“What’s that?”

“You…well, give in. Give you what you want.”

James took in a very deliberate breath. “You really see that as giving in?”

Lily kissed his cheek. “I misspoke. I like…I would like to make you feel good.”

And now, when Lily was finally offering what he had been asking for relentlessly over the past few weeks, James hesitated. “I don’t want you doing it like that,” he said. “I mean that…it’s not about me anymore, I made it about you and your insecurities and I’m sorry, really, it was wrong.”

Lily ran her fingers through his soft hair. “James, are you actually going to resist? This is a limited time offer, you know. Let’s go somewhere private.”

“You mean it?”

“I wouldn’t tease you that badly, of course I mean it.”

It took a moment for her to register that James was hauling her up, throwing and shoving books haphazardly in his bag with his other hand. They emerged into a more lighted part of the library, James still trying to zip up his bag with one hand and lead Lily with the other. Lily walked a bit faster and began leading him, taking him out of the library and down the corridor, to the secret passageway that hid away the cave they had not visited for weeks. Lily passed through, then squeaked when James appeared, snatched her hand, and dragged her down the stairs. Lily tripped at the bottom and hit the ground, taking James down with her.

“Oof—you’re heavy—”

“Stay there—”

“It’s dirty!” Lily lit her wand. James followed suit.

James rummaged through his bag. In the light, Lily saw his face was awash with anticipation, and a shiver on apprehension went through her. James drew her attention back to his hands when he yanked something from his bag and spread it over the floor. Lily scampered onto it.

“It’s your invisibility cloak!” she said, dismayed.

“It doesn’t get dirty,” he muttered. “It’s better than my robes, those would have to be washed, the dirt’ll just slide right—shut up! This isn’t important. Lie back!” he commanded fiercely.

“You can’t make it to the cave?”

“Probably not, but that’s not what we’re doing right now.” James tossed his bag aside and crawled on top of her, kissing her forehead.

“I’m confused.”

“I’ve been acting like a fucking prat to you, and it’s time I really make it up. We’re not leaving from here and I’m not getting anything from you until you bloody come the way you deserve to. Take off your robes, come on.” James held out a hand.

“What makes you think it’s going to work now?” said Lily, unclasping her robes.

James loomed over her, blocking the light. “You _never_ let me go far enough, or do enough,” he insisted. It was his favorite argument.

Lily put her hands on his chest and pushed, but he wouldn’t budge. “That’s not true.” 

“I’ll tie you up if I have to.” James tugged off her knickers and unbuttoned her shirt, fumbling in the dark.

“Liar,” Lily muttered, but she was willing to try again. To try anything.

“Don’t fight me off this time,” he warned.

Lily squeezed her eyes shut in embarrassment. _That_ incidenthad been humiliating. “I won’t,” she assured him miserably, helping him take off her bra. “You forgot my skirt,” she point out as he sank down onto her, crumpling the fabric.

“Shit,” he cursed, pulling at it for a good ten seconds before realizing he had never unbuttoned it. Lily did not bother to help him. He propped himself up on his elbows and regarded her naked body. He had his back to the light and she couldn’t make out his face or the expression in his eyes, but she could feel his appreciation in the way he stroked her arm, the way he pushed back her hair. “You are so…”

Lily swallowed.

James stopped talking. He took off his own shirt and pressed his naked chest against hers, kissing her neck. He put one hand on the floor next to her head and gripped her thigh with the other one, hard enough to bruise her pale skin. He relaxed his hold, pushing her leg out to the side and spreading her open. The air in the passage was chilly, and Lily felt more exposed than ever, lying on the ground as she was. 

“ _God,_ ” she murmured, pulling on his hair, arching up to his mouth. “It’s too good…”

James slipped a hand down her side and between her legs. James took her free hand in his own and laced his fingers through hers, at the same time pressing harder with the fingers of his other hand. Panic blinded Lily, and she kicked her legs out to get away.

“I can’t,” she panted, pushing his head away and trying to sit up.

“ _Lily_ ,” James said firmly, but she dragged herself out from under him.

“I can’t,” she repeated, having caught her breath. “You don’t understand. I can’t, anymore. There’s something wrong with me.”

James put his hands against his temples. “You’re mad—Lily, if you want to talk about _can’t_ , then look at me, because I can’t keep doing this if you won’t let yourself go.”

Lily picked up her robes and wrapped them around her body.

“And there’s nothing wrong with you. _Nothing._ ”

“I thought this was going to be me getting you off.”

James sighed. “Yeah.”

“You don’t sound very excited.”

James picked his cloak up off the ground and dusted it off. “How can I be?”

She didn’t know how to answer. “We…can get past this, can’t we?”

James adjusted his glasses and crawled over to her, putting his back against the wall and stretching out his legs. “I want to, yeah.”

Lily dropped her head onto his shoulder. “Maybe we should just have sex.”

“You think that’ll help?”

“Don’t you?”

He picked up a lock of her hair and began to play with it, idly. “No, not really. Not yet, if we can’t even manage to…well, it’ll hurt, I guess. You.”

Lily shuddered. “Yeah.” She turned into him and wrapped both her arms around one of his, rubbing her cheek against his skin. “I like sitting like this.”

“Lily.”

She twisted her neck so she could see his face. 

“You take…” He blinked several times in quick succession. “You take _however_ long you need. I’m not going anywhere. I…I waited years. There’s no giving up, here.”

She nodded.

“Just—is it me? Am I the problem, here? I realize I might have been…too aggressive. Might have ruined any chance I even had…but that’s not even the point. I’m scared I’m not…enough, and that I’ll never satisfy you.” He dusted some dirt from his trouser leg, giving her a fierce look that told her not to talk. “So many years of waiting, and so much time spent dreaming of how much you’d love to get into bed with me and shag me, and I can’t even manage to…”

“It’s _not_ you,” Lily swore.

“I think it is. Fuck.” James clasped his hands, then spread his fingers wide and looked at them. “I think I let you persuade me not to do more, because I get some sick sort of pleasure from knowing that you’re not getting off, just like me.”

“No,” Lily said, taking hold of his hand. “I don’t think that’s it.”

“I…I sabotage you. Out of selfishness. I make you miserable so I’ll get what I want.”

However angry she was with James, she saw, in his intensity, how difficult it was for him to admit this to her. He was rarely so honest about his own flaws, especially when it came to her. “I went to Marlene,” confessed Lily after a moment, not knowing what to do with his words. “That’s why I wrote her. To ask her for advice on how to…how to give good head. I thought it would make things better.”

James clenched his fists.

“Would it?” she asked quietly.

He didn’t answer. He turned his head away and started to get up, but Lily grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back down to the ground.

“I told you I’d do it,” she reminded him. “You came in here and wanted to do something for me, but that’s not why _I_ came here. I came here…for you.”

“I don’t want you doing anything you don’t want to do,” he said suddenly, with surprising fervor. “That doesn’t turn me on. It’s only good if you want to do it.”

Lily inhaled deeply. “You mean that?”

“Of course I mean it.”

“It’s good of you to understand.”

She couldn’t tell if he was disappointed. It didn’t matter, not really. She put her hand on his chest to keep him against the wall and clambered around him, pushing his legs apart so she rested between them. He said not a single word, but his gaze went darkly and lustfully over her, resting for a long time on the flashes of skin visible through the opening of her robes.

“I really, really, _really_ want to.” She took his cloak from the ground next to him and balled it up, placing it next to him as a pillow. She picked up his robes and spread them over the floor. “Come on,” she urged. “Lie down.”

“I’ll make a mess on my robes,” he pointed out.

“No, there won’t be any mess.” Holding his eyes with hers, she put her hand on her throat and swallowed. James eyes widened and she noticed, with satisfaction and no small amount of pride, and he closed his legs and adjusted himself, wincing.

“Did Marlene teach you that?”

“No. She said spit it out, but I’d rather prefer to swallow.”

“Oh—sodding _hell,_ ” James gasped, closing his eyes and breathing so loud she could hear every hitch. James rolled over onto his robes and lay, spread-eagled, waiting. To stop her hands from shaking, Lily put them to use, working them over his lean chest and down his arms. She straddled him, bending her knees on either side of his pelvis.

He suddenly writhed, almost throwing her off. “What?” she asked, panicked, snatching her hands away. “Did I hurt you?”

“I can feel you on me,” he panted, reaching his hands under her robes to place them on her hips and hold her in place. “You’re so…wet…and hot…smooth.” His fingers trailed across her stomach and dipped down. Lily threw her head back, but remembered herself and pushed his hand away.

“ _No,_ James _._ ” 

He growled—actually growled, Lily thought, amused. He rocked his hips up and Lily pitched forward, sprawling over his chest. He kissed her violently, scraping his teeth along the inside of her lip and whimpering into her mouth. She kissed him back, then slid her hand down, swung her leg off of him to give herself space, and unbuckled his belt, then his trousers, then his boxers. It was hard, because she wasn’t looking, and it took her some time, but she managed.

“Lily, Lily…oh sweet…Evans…”

She grinned at that, and for the first time in weeks, she felt one hundred percent in control. 

“Take it all off, I can’t stand it, I’m so hard…”

Lily waited, gathered her courage, and then worked everything off his hips so he was completely naked. It was different from the night in the cave—he wasn’t moving her hands, he wasn’t helping her along—he was panting, and moaning, and _dying_ , from the sound of it. 

Lily lowered her mouth.

James let out a long, long breath, and then a sound made it halfway out his throat, before he choked on it. His hands shot into her hair and he moved his fingers in tight circles, not forcing her head down or holding her in place, but…there. With her.

_I have no idea what I’m doing_ , Lily thought, but he didn’t seem to mind. It didn’t take very long, which was something she had never considered before, but it made sense—he wasn’t nearly as experienced as he acted. Then he tugged at her hair hard enough for her to wince and remind herself to be mindful of her teeth, and minutes after she began she was moving up and over him, and he rolled on top of her and kissed her, sweeping his tongue inside her mouth.

“Lily,” he moaned, “you may have just saved my life.”

She couldn’t believe he was kissing her after…

“I can’t believe—you swallowed,”he gasped into her ear. “I can’t believe it.”

Lily tried not to grin. “We, ah…should get dressed. I came to get you at curfew—it must be past midnight.”

“You’re thinking about curfew?” he demanded, pulling his boxers on. Lily got up to get her clothes but he stopped. “Don’t even—don’t move. Don’t do anything. Just…relax.”

“I’m not delicate.”

“No, not delicate. You’re amazing. Fantastic,” he told her, putting her bra in her hands. He put her knickers on her, dropping a kiss on her thigh as he did. Then her crumpled skirt, and he helped her to button her shirt. “You look…”

She stretched her neck out to kiss his cheek. “Like you just came in my mouth?” she asked, giggling and rolling away when he swatted at her.

“Tease,” he muttered. “Do you have, like…split personalities? You’re totally different from how you were earlier. And less sad.”

“Oh, I don’t _know_ ,” said Lily, flopping back onto his robes, watching his fingers as he fastened the buttons on his shirt. “It’s like…knowing I affect you so much gives me confidence.”

She saw him frown in the dim light and he reached for his tie. He rolled it up and put it in his pants pocket. 

“Like…knowing that you like what I do to you and it makes you happy…I love that. I like it when you’re happy.”

He crouched down and put out a hand to help her up, his face still troubled. She took it and they got to their feet. He pulled her close, and for a moment, Lily was not herself. She forgot, in that instant, that she was just one person, and did not know she and James were two separate entities, two entirely different souls.

And then the earth began to rumble.

**……**


End file.
